The Crossroads of Life

The backpacks are stuffed, and the house is empty. School has started, and so has the return to schedules and routine. I do love summer and all of the activity that fills the house with the children around, but I think I might like this all-day-to-myself routine. It feels to me like I have had a job shift change; I have more free time during the day, and more activity in the afternoons and evenings.

I do not have trouble filling my hours at home, and I look forward to being able to go out freely during the day, like to the temple, and maybe even to Costco... the opportunities are really endless! I love being home though, it makes me happy. My home is a sanctuary for me, and my family, and I am happy to be a homemaker as my profession. I love to make our home a soft-landing for us, in a sometimes harsh world. I feel like my home is just an extension of me, and my love for my family.

When you enter my home, you enter my world, and I try to fill my world with love! (Make no mistake, there is plenty of crazy noise and activity when the kids are home! My children squabble and thrash about with the best of them.) But home means love. And that is what I do, I create love, through homemaking. And I love it! (How many times can I say the word love? Start counting...)

I am so grateful to be able to stay home, it is truly a blessing, and I do not take it for granted. I know it is not for everyone, but homemaking and motherhood is my chosen profession, and Charles has always made it possible for me to stay home, and sometimes that has required tremendous sacrifice.

He always promised me, if I had other aspirations away from homemaking, that one day, he would make it possible for me to pursue those dreams. We always worked hard together to support our family in different roles, and it worked beautifully for us. And one day... I will make some of my other dreams come true, because anything is possible! (A lot of my dreams can be done from home, like writing a book, for example.) One day I would love to go to Scotland... and travel around the world with a camera in hand. Not today, but someday.

My children have been my greatest joys in this life, and motherhood has been my greatest calling. (My role as wife came even before motherhood, but I am currently not operating under that title.) I would not trade how we chose to manage our family dynamic way back at the very beginning, when Sammi was born. I am grateful I listened to the counsel of my wise husband. I am a woman who respects men, and their wisdom, and insights. I value the connection they can have with God, and the power that men are for good in this world. I sure wish men were not so downgraded in society today.

That needs to change.

We need to be nice to men.

Men can be so in-tune with Heaven when they are lifted up, praised often, and allowed to lead with love. I think, as women, we can do better at encouraging the men around us, rather than tearing them down. I was informed by my tough-guy son, that he has intense feelings and emotional needs, just as strong as those of women, and his feelings need to be handled with love and kindness. Men always have to be "tough," even when they feel anything but strong. They just need a soft place to land, and they need love... so much love. I am trying to do better to listen, as the men (and boys) in my life speak.

Sometimes, all that men (and boys) need is a hug. And sometimes, we as women need to hear (and heed) what they have to say. That takes humility. Being humble is not a hot-commodity now-a-days. I am a feisty head-strong woman, and I totally get the need to be strong and empowered in womanhood. But we do not empower ourselves by stripping men of their self-worth, and their power for doing good. We need each other. Men and women need each other. I say this as a single mom, and I speak from experience.

So, I found a little piece of Charles' journal, regarding his feelings of me staying home with our children. It was not an easy decision for me to make, originally. But after lots of prayer, pondering, and counseling with Charles, the way was made clear for me. I value and appreciate the fact that Charles relentlessly supported me as a wife and mother, and even though he is gone, his influence is still felt, and he continues to provide for our family needs.

Charles' Journal Entries:

March 27, 2001

Mari and I still seem to be having a difficult time deciding whether she should stay home with the baby [Sammi], or not. I feel that she should. I think that we would be safe if we did this, but there are so many advantages for her to go to work, or at least it seems that way. I am certain what seems like an advantage right now is only to lure us away from what we should be doing, and the real blessings. I hope that Mari makes the decision to stay at home. She may be able to go and make a little bit of money that we could probably find elsewhere, but we might be sacrificing spiritual security, and our happiness. It's still up to Mari. I am worried that she is taking too long to decide. 

April 6, 2001

I am so happy that Mari is staying home. I know it will be difficult, but I am sure it will only be a short time. Mari and I are living by faith, we have faith in the word of the Lord from a living prophet on Earth. Less and less families are living in this way, if we let this standard slip, our children will not have a proper example to follow. I hope to be able to live every command of the Lord, and show my children the right way to live; it is possible, the Lord will help us if we are obedient. 



Charles knew the value of having a mother in the home, he had some unique life experiences to back up his strong desires. He wanted safety and security, so badly for his children. He left it to me to decide, but he strongly encouraged me -- with all of his powers of persuasion and deep passion -- to consider the blessings of being home with the children. You might think it was an easy decision for me to make, but it was not. I was not over-eager to starve, and live off of nothing while we were in school. But we were always provided for, always. And I have seen so many blessings that have flowed from our original decision. And the blessings continue to flow.

I recognize that there are a million different life-circumstances that might prevent women from staying home with their children. My heart goes out to the women whose greatest desire is to be home, and yet that is sometimes not an option. May Heaven bless you Mothers, and your tremendous efforts. I pray that the angels will attend to you, and lift you up. My heart aches for you, truly.

I stand in awe of what women are capable of, and all that they handle with grace and beauty. I admire women who stay home, and I admire women who choose to work. The choice is an individual one, and the answers will be different for everyone. I had to wrestle with the Lord to receive my answers, but I know -- that for our family -- being home has absolutely been the right thing to do. I love being at the crossroads for my children, and I would not change it.

We all just need to love and support each other as women and men, mothers and fathers, boys and girls, as we travel on our individual journeys through life. Whether we are at home, or work, or play... may Heaven bless our efforts, because life is not easy!

(Wow, I am not sure where that came from? I wasn't planning on going off on a deep tangent today. But there it is!)

Let's move on to some pictures...

Ahhh... the school supply sorting. It is super nice now, because I take Sammi and Daniel with me to the store, give them all the lists, and they find everything and throw it in the basket. (They like to do it!) Nice and easy! I love it!

Okay... so I am pretty sure this is a real pumpkin growing in my garden! Yes, yes, YES! I cannot wait for pumpkin season. I allow pumpkin/autumn decor starting September first. I am super excited for the change in the seasons. I am SO very tired of the hot and smokey skies.

Look at the pumpkins out at Albertsons! Hooray! That pumpkin carriage is so cute... it might need to roll its way into my home.

Sammi passed her driving tests! She is now licensed and driving alone. This is great, and also scary. Time to up the power behind the "safety and protection" portion of my prayers! This sign was in the lobby of the driving instruction office. 

I took her out for Sushi afterwards. We hid in the car, and ate it away from the boys. Shhhh... they'll never know. (They LOVE Sushi.)

Sammi was elected as section leader in choir, and she is in charge of helping with the choir room and facilities. She has been working hard at home to do her job.

I saw this sign out while I was running, and I stopped to walk and think for a minute. It is a simple sign, but it struck me as profound that day, as summer was coming to a close. It is important to slow down in life, and let the children play. We do not have to always be pushing them to their limits, and breaking points, with constant activities. Children need to be children, they need to play and have fun, and explore. (Adults need to play, too!) Slow down... life is not a race towards death. Trust me.

I got to my bed, ready to climb in, and I found this... my bed was already full! I just pushed them both over, and nestled in besides Sammi. It was a horrible nights sleep, but sometimes showing love as a mother requires some sacrifice.

The first day of School. Sammi is a Senior! Notice the sign above her head, that is how I feel about things! Never grow up! Not ever!

The kids all go to school at different times. Daniel is a sophomore.

William is at the top of his school as a sixth grader. He is at that please-stop-growing-so-fast-my-son stage.

 Henry is loving being a first grader! Woo-Hoo!

 And I am free! Hooray!

 I went for a run on the first day of school, and soaked it all in. I wish I could say it was beautiful, but the sky was still so smoke-filled, and it is really getting sad. Blue sky and fresh air, where are you?

 The gunk in the air.

We went to Michael's for a few Autumn items. I just love the word "pumpkin." I think it might be my favorite word.

Before school started, I went to the temple. I had a very nice time there. I love the temple. Sometimes there are moments that can be a little hard too. I like to sit in the the Celestial room, and ponder. This last time, there seemed to be a lot of couples there being loving and affectionate. There was a moment when a man walked across the room, he winked at his wife, and then he rushed to be by her side, and he embraced her. They were clearly in love. It seemed to be loving-couples day, or something, and I felt surrounded.

I am happy to see people in love, but sometimes, it can be a little... hard? Of course I want couples to be affectionate, and I had such affection when Charles was alive. But I see the world differently now. I feel things differently now. I am different. And not in a bad way. I took note of the other more forlorn-looking people in the room, and I wondered what their story was, and I just felt love gushing from my heart towards them. My heart just keeps getting more and more squishy with time. And, you know, I don't mind. It means I am growing.

So, do I feel close to Charles at the temple? Nope, not really. I was told in a blessing that if I want to connect with Charles, then I need to be in nature. I go to the temple to connect with God. I did learn some other beautiful things there, and I will keep those things close to my heart.

I did come away feeling peace and light, and I am grateful for that.

I have a few places that feel like "sanctuaries" for me: my home, nature, and the temple. Home is where I stand at the crossroads for my children, nature is where Charles is at the crossroads for me, and the temple is the crossroad between Earth and Heaven. 

I am grateful to have places in my life, where the mundane and the majestic intertwine. This life is so much more than it seems. The path I have traveled has been an interesting one, but it has been beautiful. And I am learning that God really does have His hand in my life -- even the small details. I trust Him, and I even trust His timing, even though sometimes I do not understand. 

God has always been good to me. 

May the crossroads be ever in your favor. :)