Returning to My Savior Broken and Weary

I saw myself being presented to the Savior. The veil began to be taken from my mind. My eyes came upon the Savior and He looked like me.

How great shall be my joy when I can stand blameless with my Savior, Jesus Christ. After living my life on Earth, after being tested, and tested, by the Lord. Being constantly tempered, and chastened, and perfected....

If I can make it through all of these tests and meet my Savior, if I do well at all of my tests, I may just find I have become like Him. How great would be my joy if I could have that moment. To return to my Savior broken and weary from this life, to find I had become like him. That he might be pleased with me.

That would be the best!

-Charles

Charles' Testimony

Charles was a very diligent journal writer. It was not daily, but it was often. I have journals from the first day of his mission, to a few days before he died. It is such a blessing to have his words with me. I have a stack of his journals that I keep on my nightstand, I can pull them out whenever I want to hear his voice and learn from his thoughts and records. 

Reading his journals makes me a better person. I have the rare privilege of seeing inside the mind of a man -- luckily for me, he was a man of many words. If you are a man -- or if you know a man -- gently encourage them to write their life and thoughts down in some form. Women should, of course, do the same. Everyone should write in a journal, or on a blog, or find some other way to record life. Your life is of value. Your words will be a treasure to your family and others -- you never know who! 

I promise it is worth the time it takes. Just take 5-10 minutes a day, or a week, and scribble down some thoughts. It is amazing to watch yourself grow too! Even I am able to look over old blog posts and think, "Really? Was I that crazy?" Yes, yes I was. And I still am. And that is OK. 

Charles was a busy guy, working through undergrad and law school, and then running his own law firm -- but he took some time to write his testimony of the gospel down. His conviction is on almost every page of his many journals. I wanted to share parts of it here, so that he can still share his testimony, though he is no longer a mere mortal. I feel driven to share his words, so I will. 

This is from the year 2003... His testimony grew and changed over time, of course, but his words were a solid foundation for things to come... 

Just a brief reminder that Charles was 17 when he joined The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Before that he was a great rascal, but God came to his rescue, and changed his life forever. 

Charles' Testimony: 

I am taking this brief pause in my day to record some of my thoughts and feelings. Sometimes I am not sure how my record keeping will be useful to any who may read it in the future. I have been commanded to keep a journal and so I do. 

My hope is that besides making my posterity aware of my weaknesses, especially in writing, the record of my life will be an example of how the Lord blesses those who try to keep the commandments. My children and my children's children will be able to read my words and recognize the pattern for themselves of faith preceding the miracle. 

I have been highly blessed of the Lord. I am about to finish a Math degree, my health has never been better, my family survives day to day with little income and no car. In addition the spirit of the Lord is with my family. Each day we are led and directed in the path we should travel. True we must choose for ourselves and work out our own salvation with fear and trembling, but I believe the truly wise would also choose to know the mind and will of the Almighty Father of Heaven and Earth concerning the many directions they should take. 

The Lord has led us this far. The true power of these records that I keep will be for my children to see where the Lord takes us from here. I have no doubt that the Lord will provide us, Mari and I, with many opportunities to serve Him in the future, for it is our true desire. And I know that Father wants and needs our help in accomplishing His purposes. 

My children will read these records and see the slow refining process of the Lord. He can take any man or woman who is willing to be obedient and make them into something great. 

My decision to follow Jesus Christ has been the greatest choice I have ever made. The eyes of my understanding have been opened. My deaf ears have been unstopped. I have been taken out of darkness and brought into the Light of God. It is marvelous to me that the Lord was aware of me even in my most imperfect state. 

Each time you are obedient to the commands of God and the promptings of the Holy Ghost your vision of things spiritual becomes more clear and more refined. Your desire to do evil fades until the evil one has no power over your heart or mind. The only sadness you feel is for sin, whether it be your own, or the sins of another. 

Fear fades away. There is nothing to fear when you know the Lord is on your side. To be in the care of the Savior is the safest place to be. 

If we suffer, it is only for our own benefit, and we will one day thank the Lord for our trials, which it may be hard to do in the midst of. Each challenge is a new opportunity to grow, to show who you are, and how deep your testimony runs. 

Will you follow the Lord Jesus Christ? 

There is so much weight on my shoulders, so many pressures... I am tempted with fear and anger, but I have faced these temptations before: they will not have me now. 

Strangely enough, I have come to enjoy this battle. I have learned that I have an incredible will to live. I could fight and will fight to the death. I will make myself right before the Lord. I will do His will to the best of my abilities. I love life. 

My strength comes in the battle, it comes in the fight. I will never have rest. Not in this life, or in the existence to come. I catch a better view of the role I will play in the Lord's work here on Earth. 

I have always had ambition. My ambitions have grown as my understanding of what I am capable of has grown. I never began to understand my abilities, or my worth very well until I had the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life. I now know that no matter how weak I am, with the Lord all things are possible. 

My life has never been filled with so many grand dreams, hopes, and visions as it has since I have joined the church. I grow more confident that the Lord will allow these things to come to pass as I do what is right. I have never been disappointed by the Lord. Sometimes I have my doubts, but in the end I am always able to see how the Lord has only been preparing me for the really wonderful things in life. 

I pray the fire of the living gospel never dies in my heart. I pray for the day when I might give service 24 hours a day to help build up the Church and Kingdom of God. 

- Charles 

The Best Anniversary Gift EVER

Today is our 15th anniversary. I never thought I would be spending it without Charles. I had my life planned out, and living out the majority of my days as a widow was not part of my awesome plan. Sure, I would occasionally ask myself, "What if Charles died?" But I never actually thought it would happen -- not to me -- not so abruptly, and certainly not so soon!

But here I am.

I am living the story I had never planned. And, somehow, miraculously, I find myself completely surprised with how I am handling it. I never knew I was so strong, and capable of joy despite sorrow. I never knew that I could survive truly horrible things and still smile. I am finding out who I really am, and what I am really made of. I am discovering that I am made of some pretty sturdy stuff -- and that "stuff" is the gospel of Jesus Christ. It is because of Jesus that I still find reason to smile everyday. My heart bursts with joy lately, not pain.

What a miracle!

I have not spent one second of this meaningful day mourning or crying in the corner. I have had a really fabulous day, actually. I will write more about it later. But for now I want to write about a most treasured gift that Charles left for me. It was an unexpected gift, but so timely, and so powerful.

As I was looking for Christmas decorations, I found a random box that was open, that had a few books in it. I decided I should look inside the box and sift through the books. Right near the top was a journal -- Charles' journal -- a missing book from the years 2003-2004. I screeched with delight as I pulled it from the box and held it close to me. I was so excited to find more of his words, and records of his life and thoughts. It was an amazing moment of discovery!

I spent the evening into the wee hours of the morning reading the entire journal from front to back. I could not get enough of Charles' "voice" and thoughts. What was most amazing was that the entire journal is filled with optimism, hope, joy, and snippets of his love for me and the children. His other journals are great -- but not like this one. This one is different. It is the very best of Charles. He seems to be infused with hope and confidence. He had said some nice things about me in some of his other journals, but this one held snippets that made my heart soar to new heights of joy, and love for him.

Forgive me for sharing some of my favorite passages... it may not be as interesting to you as it is to me. But I love his words of wisdom, and love. He even recorded his testimony for his children, which I will write out some other time. I read it out loud to them last night. Talk about powerful! Whew!

WRITE.YOUR.LIFE.DOWN.

It is worth it! 

Here is Charles around the time of this new found journal. Whenever I dream of him he looks like this picture.

Here are some of my favorite snippets from his journal: 

"Mari is growing stronger. She seems more prepared for the challenges ahead. She is positive and looking forward to the future as much as I am. Our goals are one. We are one in mind, heart, and purpose. It feels great. We will see what the Lord can do with completely ordinary people." 

"Mari is my favorite Mother. I am so proud of her and how much she does for our children. My children are very lucky to have a mother who loves them so much." 

"Life is good for our family, even though we only have $30 in the bank." 

"Mari has been struggling recently with many different things. It is hard on her to be alone with our children every day. She is a wonderful mother and our children are superior, but Mari likes to get out and do things. I do love her for all of the sacrifices that she has made for the last few years for our family. I will be sure to make it worth her while." 

"I look forward to the day that the Lord returns -- sure I do -- but I am really enjoying life here right now. I want to see my children grow up and I want to serve my special mission (from his Patriarchal blessing), whatever that may be. I am not ready for things to end just yet." 

"I think a lot about my family during the day. I love them. I do desire to provide a good life for my family. Sammi is growing up so fast. She is a smart and beautiful little girl. I love to make her laugh. I love it when she throws her arms around my neck and says, "Daddy!" 

"Mari is my pillar of support. She is encouraging me on in a miraculous way. I hope I am making her as happy as she has made me." 

"This world is full of danger. It is sad when good people place themselves in it willingly." 

"One question that I have been hearing in my head is the one regarding whether or not I should actually become a lawyer, or not. I had a blessing from the Lord under the Bishop and I was told to "consider a career where I could work with the youth." I have considered it, yet here I am plugging off to Law School. Is my decision the correct one? I have always felt that there are some things that you are meant to decide and that while the Lord may be interested, He has no strong position concerning the issue. Maybe I did not explain myself very well. I will give an example... I made the decision to marry Mari. I could have made the decision to marry a hundred other girls, none of which would have been right or wrong, as long as they were good righteous girls. Would I choose to marry anyone else, certainly not. I could not imagine life without Mari. I could not imagine being happier with anyone else." *Interesting to me that he became a lawyer and was later called to be the Young Men's President and "worked with the youth."

"I have a choice. I have decided to go to law school. It is almost like going to another planet. I don't know what to expect, if I will survive, or if I can even make it. But, I love the challenge." 

"I love a good challenge. I love a good fight against the odds. Maybe that is why I love the church so much. We are involved in a fight that would seem to some to be a lost cause, but for those of us who fight it, the outcome is certain, we will be victorious. I, on the other hand, have no guarantees about my fights and battles. I could fail, I suppose it is possible, although I doubt it." 

"Mari is behind me of course. She will follow me even if she does not like it. I love her for it. Mari is a true pioneer. She usually gets tired part way through and wants to give up, admittedly, sometimes so do I. But Mari is tough. I hate to put her through so much agony and hard times, but that is where we will stay if I do not do anything with myself. I need to get to work. I pray for a miracle." 

"I love my children so much. I want them to grow into good and happy people who will be full of love and kindness." 

"We have had many adventures, Mari and I. I am consumed with a desire to finish school and to begin providing for my family. This semester has been so hard for me and my family. Mari and the children have stayed strong through it all. We are better for our trials." 

"I find it amazing how much some paint and a little carpet can improve a home. I feel so much better in my home. It looks so much cleaner and presentable. My surroundings have such an impact on how I feel and how I live." 

"I feel tempted with fear and doubt, but there is excitement in the air, and my hopes and trust in the Lord keep me moving forward in the face of my foe. My family is strong and healthy and is in complete support of the direction we have taken in life, and I am determined to be the sole support of my family." 

"Mari and I are going to an orientation meeting where ushers in the temple rededication will be instructed on their duties. We received invitations to serve as ushers and we are excited about our opportunity!" 

"I cannot describe my feelings right now. I am excited about life. I have many hopes and dreams that are alive and are wonderful to me." 

"I have never ceased to serve even in my most stressful times. I have even spent most of my holidays and break times out serving. I cannot say if there has been any change in my heart that has warranted the Lord opening the windows of Heaven, or if, perhaps, the Lord has heard the prayers of my sweet wife, Mari, and our lovely children. Whatever the case may be, I am certain that what has happened in my life is a miracle and must and will be attributed to the hand of an all powerful God." 

"I am beginning to realize the promise of the Lord to me that I will have joy and enjoy the good things in life. I also believe that this realization could not come until we had a change of heart, or, this is to say, until we were prepared to receive these things. I feel that the Lord would rather have kept our family humbled to the dust than to have blessed us only to see our family grow rich and proud and forget God." 

"If I could change one thing about myself, what would it be? I wish that I was not so judgmental. It's a good thing that it is something I am capable of changing." 

"Mari and I can see it. We are being prepared for something, if not simply to raise good children who love the Lord with all their hearts, for we do." 

"Selfishness is the great curse of the earth. So many want and want more of the material things of this world, and take no thought of the people around them, or even the planet they are destroying. Still, we move forward. We have seen much of the good that still exists in the people, and we have hope. What a blessing that simple attribute has become in the life of my family, not to mention my own life. We have hope, faith, and charity." 

"I was so happy yesterday that I thought I was going to cry, and I did. Heavenly Father has been so kind to me. I have been treated so well despite bad things I have done in the past." 

"I am afraid that Mari will not miss Alaska as much as I will. I love life anywhere I go, but Alaska will always have a special place in my heart." 

"I hope that in the end, Mari and I prove to be truly faithful people." 

My MOST favorite thought from Charles... 

"Mari and I have grown close, so close to each other in these last few years of preparation. I love my wife. I finally know what the phrase "the wife of my bosom" means." 

You can see why his journal is the best gift ever. What a treasure. What perfect timing right before our Anniversary. I have been flying high ever since I found it. His final journal (written in 2014) was filled with so much pain from the debilatating physical ailments he struggled with, it is extremely hard for me to read. But this new journal is the Charles that I remember -- the full-of-life, optimistic, hopeful, and happy Charles. I absolutely love it.

Thank you, Charles. As always, your timing was perfect.

Best.Gift.Ever.

Happy Anniversary to you, my beautiful love! I can't wait to see you again. It is nice to feel you near me, but dang boy, I miss your shining brown eyes. And your smooches. You were a really good kisser. ;)

P.S. I was looking through old anniversary posts and I noticed that Charles had made a comment... here it is:

Charles said...

There is not space enough to contain a complete expression of love and gratitude for the one person in my life (other than Heavenly Father), who has always been able to see the best in me, and who has been such an inspiration to me. But let it suffice to say that if I could have been an given eternity to conceptualize the perfect woman, wife, and mother, I could not have put together a person half as good as Mari is to me. She took me as I was when she first met me, and Lord bless her for it. Looking back, even I can see the terrible risk she was "engaging" herself in when she took up with the likes of me. But, like a true gambler, she knew when to hold him, knew when to fold him, she didn't walk, away, although, she did try to run. Here we are seven years and 2.4 children later, and we are better than we have ever been. What a woman--what a time!

10:36 AM

And in case you miss seeing Charles, here is another treasure of us singing "our song" together at my niece's wedding... I have posted it before, but I love it. And I just love the way he is looking at me. I sure miss that face and his voice. He is my favorite person in the whole world. He told me he was so happy to be singing with me that day. It was his first time ever singing a solo in public. It was a very romantic day for us. ;) 

Standing on the Shore

Charles had dreams about standing on the edge of a beautiful water. In his dreams he did not want to leave the water because it was so wonderful, healing, and caused him great joy.

He had a few similar dreams about the water, dreams he felt were connected. He had one dream where we, his family, were with him in the water. But in the most recent dream, he tried to convince us to go back to search for the waters with him, but he was unable to persuade us to go. He said he was not sure why, but we were not eager to leave home, and go to the place he had dreamed about.

He said of the waters, "There was something wonderful about the water. It cooled us, healed us, and gave us joy. The water was clear and pure. It glistened in the sun. We played and splashed. We explored and waded. It was wonderful and perhaps the happiest and most free I have felt in a great long while." 

He had this dream about going to search for the water, exactly one month before he died.

After his dream he kept trying to figure out what it meant. He wanted to know what the waters represented, and why we would not go with him to such a glorious place -- he wanted to know if God was trying to tell him something.

He even shared the dream with some of my family, and we discussed it in great detail together. I did not know then as we gathered on the couch at my brother's house, listening to Charles describe his dream, that his dream would soon become very important to me. He sat describing in detail his visions and dreams, with an icepack on his leg. As he spoke the words of his dream, he was enduring a burning blood clot in his upper thigh -- the very clot that would travel to his lung, and end his life, just 2 weeks later.

It was just a dream, right?

I don't think so.

Charles was being prepared for what was to come. I don't think he knew he was going to die, but I do know he was ready to meet his Savior, and his thoughts were turning towards seeing Him again. Sure, Charles was imperfect like all of us are, but I know he would have readily run up to Jesus, and given Him a big hug, without hesitation. Where others might be a little unsure about that Heavenly reunion, Charles would have rejoiced at seeing his brother, his Savior, his friend. Jesus saved him after all. He was a lost boy of 17, and Jesus came for him. He rescued him. Charles knew Jesus. Once he learned of Him, he loved Him, trusted Him, and served Him. Charles' greatest desire was to see Jesus while in mortality, so I just know he was ready to reunite with his Savior again.

Charles was being prepared for his step into the next world. Of course I have no idea what it is really like there, but I am guessing there is a beautiful water that is wonderful, healing, and that Charles is full of joy. Whether the water is symbolic, or not -- it doesn't matter. What matters is that Charles is happy, and free from pain and sorrow that truly plagued him at the end of his days on earth. Though it hurts to be parted from him, I am happy that he is happy. I really am.

I was hoping we would die together, hand-in-hand, when we were really old... but I guess Charles will just have to help guide us back to where he is. We, his family, may not want to leave this earth "home" now to be with him in the "waters," but one day... one day we will join him, and then we will all know supreme joy and happiness. My heart bursts at the thought!

This thought of his dream came to mind, because Sammi recently received a blessing. She was told in her blessing that, "Your Father and your Heavenly Father stand on the shore watching over you -- remember that when times get rough." When those words were spoken, his dream flashed in my mind and I could vividly imagine Charles standing on the edge of the beautiful waters that he had dreamed about. I could see him there waiting for us, watching over us... always mindful of us, and our lives. Just like our Heavenly Father.

I have not seen my Heavenly Father while in this mortal sphere, but I have seen His miracles, and I have had an undeniable witness that He is there, He lives, He loves me, and He knows me. I have not seen God face-to-Face in this life, but I have seen Charles. Charles was my whole life, my everything -- but now he is no longer visible to me like he once was. He was once daily in my physical presence, until we were parted by the veil of death. Because of that death and separation of the physical body, Charles lives in another sphere right now -- but does that mean he has ceased to exist, just because I cannot see him?

NO! 

I know Charles still lives on. I cannot see him, but I know it. I know he lives as much as I know that I live! And I know God lives too. Believing is seeing. I get that now more than ever. I have always known God is in His Heaven, but now I sure do think about that reality more often. I may be separated by the veil of birth from my Father in Heaven, but I once walked in His presence, I have seen Him before -- just like I have seen Charles. There is a physical separation, for now. But not forever. I will see them all again!

That veil of birth and death is strong, but it can be made thin. The Spirit can touch your soul, and allow you to see with your heart that which you cannot see with your veiled eyes. Close your doubting eyes, and feel that your Heavenly Father is there, and He loves you.

I know that Charles, my Heavenly Father, my Savior, and even my ancestors are standing on the shore, waiting, and watching -- for that most beautiful day when we will all be reunited again.

I can only imagine what that will be like! But I know it will all be worth it. I just have to endure.

I will keep my eyes -- and my heart -- pointed towards the Heavenly Shore as I maneuver my ship through the storms of life.

They are waiting for me there.

And then... forever. 


I love this picture for many reasons, but especially since he is wearing his special shirt, the only one I have saved in my closet. (The rest are packed away.) For more on the special shirt go: HERE. 

Charles' Thoughts and Testimony

I am so grateful for Charles' journals. I feel so close to him when I am reading his own words, written by his own hand. It makes me smile when I think his hand touched the pages and pushed the ink against the paper. It is a way to travel back in time, through history -- our history -- from his perspective. It is like becoming acquainted with him in a new even more personal way.

I know him better now than I ever did while he was alive mortal. I have been allowed a glimpse into his deepest, raw, unfiltered, feelings. It can bring joy to my heart, but also sometimes sadness and regret. Sometimes when reading certain feelings I will say out loud, "Charles, I am sorry you went through that! I wish I could have done more to help!" I will better understand him when I am reunited with him again. And he will better understand me, since he has been watching me in moments he would have never seen any other way. Sometimes when I am doing something difficult I will say, "What do you think of me now, Charles!" 

As I read his words, I marvel at his thoughts and determination. He inspires me as I read of his solid faith in God, despite what he would consider his weaknesses. I sure love this man. I sure got lucky when I found him out of the billions of people in the world. I know we were meant to be together. We have both influenced each other for good. Oh, how I needed his influence in my life. He taught me so much.

I am home sick from church today (nasty head cold), so I thought I would go through his journals and look for pieces of his testimony and thoughts on faith. His journals are filled with his faith, it is mostly just woven into the fabric of his everyday life and words, but sometimes he would stop and write out his testimony, or a complete spiritual thought. I would like to share some of his words. (I may share more in the future.) 

Just an additional note first... Charles is a convert to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. He was a royal rascal in his youth (that is putting it gently) and was literally rescued by Heavenly Father, who changed his life completely. He was 17 when he was baptized -- turning from darkness to the light -- and 19 when he served a 2 year mission for the church. We met after his mission, got married, and became a family. He went on to graduate with a degree in Math, continued on to law school, became and attorney, and was running his own law firm when he passed away. The course of his life was completely altered for good by coming to know his Savior, and by living the gospel of Jesus Christ. He changed from a rowdy rascal into a respectable man. It is an honor to be connected to such a wonderful man. People can change. Anything is possible with Jesus. Charles is living proof of that.

Here are some pieces of Charles' Journal Entries:

October 21, 2000 (We had been married for almost a year.)

I have come to recognize more and more the kind of man I would like to become. I am gaining a clearer picture of how I want to live my life. And I desire to be that man more and more each day. 

I want my church membership to make a difference. I want to be a part of blessing the lives of others. I look forward to greater joys and closer associations with many people. I expect to come to understand better the love that our Savior has for me as I work to love and serve my brothers and sisters. And I hope that I might be worthy to behold my Savior in this life. To bow myself at His feet, to be worthy of his address and embrace. 

I know that God lives. It was His love that saved me from a life of misery. I know that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and that he lives. I love him. I have felt his presence so strong that at times I feel guilty admitting that I have not had the privilege of laying my eyes upon him in the flesh as of yet. It was my faith in him and the power of his atonement that has made it possible to overcome so many weaknesses, and encourages my pursuit of godliness. 

At times I have been less than faithful, but I will never give up. 

October 28, 2000

If I had a desire to see the Savior while in the flesh would it be for my glory, or for the glory of God? I had a hard time answering that question. I would, of course, say that it would have to be for the glory of God, but I am sure that Heavenly Father knows what my reasons would be. 

What purpose would it serve to see the Savior? It would be a responsibility once you have had that experience, it would then be your responsibility to then go out to the world and teach them that Jesus Christ lives and that they need to follow him. It would be a hard thing to live up to. You would be so much more accountable for your actions. It would take a lot of work to be prepared for an interview with the Savior. 

I have not seen him eye to eye, yet. But I have had a witness that I cannot deny. I know that Jesus Christ lives, and this has been made known to me by the power of the Holy Ghost. I have felt his presence and it's comforting. I have felt the weight of sin being taken from my soul. I have felt his love. Having this humble witness, I feel duty bound to share it. I must use my testimony. I cannot afford to waste it, it must be shared. 

April 11, 2002

I have not been feeling good lately. Both times I have lifted weights this week I have fell nauseous and weak afterwards. Yesterday was so bad that all I could do was lay down from 7pm until I woke-up this morning. I hope that nothing is seriously wrong with me. 

I began to think, as I lay sick on the couch, what would happen if I were to die? I would miss being here to see Sammi grow up and growing old with Mari. I just hope that I don't die soon. I don't believe that I will die, but you never know when death may take you. Am I prepared to pass on to the spirit world? Am I prepared to meet the Savior? Could I stand before him with clean hands and a pure heart? 

I suppose my first mistake in answering these questions would be to presume that I am prepared enough. Because I am mortal and imperfect, I can never be completely prepared to meet the Lord. There is always room for improvement. I believe that the one thing I have going for me is that I am willing to repent and change when I recognize some area in my life that needs some improvement. I suppose that as long as I repent as frequently as possible and keep the commandments, I should be fine. 

February 5, 2003

What is it really going to be like when we finally pass from this existence to the next? What will it be like when someone close to me passes on? Some things I would rather know later than sooner. All I know is what I read in the scriptures. Those who pass from this life and are in good standing with the Lord, will enter into a paradise for spirits, and I have the understanding that it is a wonderful place to be. 

- Charles 

Happy Sunday!