Quick Update

I am still here! It has just been a very full and exciting week, with lots of family around, and not much time to write. I will be brief, because tomorrow morning Henry gets his stints out at 5:30 in the morning, so I need to get some good rest. Also, I don't have all the pictures I need to post all the details of the weeks events, and so I will have to do that later.

For now I will just say I am so excited because William got baptized, and Daniel was ordained a Deacon! Hooray! It was a full and exciting weekend for us, with all 3 of the boys birthdays in a row. By the end of the day on Sunday, our family was so tired from all the spiritual excitement. We were all exhausted, but it felt good.

I will write much more later when I have the time, the pictures, and when my brain isn't so fuzzy (I've been a little sick today). It's hard to write with a fuzzy brain. I just wanted to say we are all still alive and well. I will be back with more details sometime soon!

Running to Him

I ran for the first time in a month. My legs are starting to really heal up nicely. I have been walking almost daily to keep my muscle memory in place, and to keep things circulating, and healthy. As the days go by, and I completely heal, I should continue to get stronger and stronger, and eventually I should be free! Yippee!

I was not planning on running yesterday. I originally set out for a long walk in the beautiful evening air and light. As I started walking, I felt a surge of energy inside of me, and a great desire to really move. I had an ace bandage securely fastened on my most recently operated on leg, to keep things in place. My legs felt great, without any pain, and so I slowly started to lift my knees and move forward in a slow jog.

As I began jogging, I felt another rush come over me, and I felt sure I could go at a normal pace. I was shocked as I ran with near full strength and ability. My running legs still work! Hooray! It did not feel perfect, as I could feel the left over lumpy residue on my calf kind of shifting around (this will break up and disappear over time). But with the ace bandage keeping that area secure, I felt very comfortable moving around freely.

I cannot even describe what a joy it was to run again. I was so worried that it might take forever to get back to where I was before the surgery, and running 8 miles with ease. After running 3 miles last night, I have total confidence that I will be able to fly freely again soon; better than ever before, with improved circulation and freedom. How exciting!

I have said this many times before; healing is hard.

Any kind of healing is such a challenge. My last month has been filled with all sorts of physical and emotional challenges that have sometimes left me whimpering in the night. I have been plagued by a new fear that has been creeping into my mind at night. I think the fear has gone along with the pain. My body has been traumatized, and my mind was responding with worry and doubt. There have been many nights where all I could do is cry out to my Heavenly Father for the strength to make it, and endure the pain; especially when my wounds got infected. Physical pain can definitely play games with your mind.

It is not easy to endure pain alone. Charles would have caressed my hair, soothed my soul, or tended to my healing needs. Not this time. This time, I had to rely on Heavenly Father, and even the strength of my children. Much of the time I had to rely on my own strength to make it through the fire. Taking care of a 3 year old, while not having full use of my legs, was a uniquely interesting challenge for me.  Somehow, I was able to manage, and God gave me the strength I needed, to do what needed to be done. It was a miracle. (Henry is a 3 year old, and he performs his 3 year old duties with great enthusiasm, and spirit.)

I cannot express my gratitude enough for having such wonderful children. They are my angels who lift me up. Just today they helped hoist me onto the trampoline, because I could not quite maneuver my leg right to get on. I just wanted to lay on the trampoline for a bit and ponder, and when I was done, Sammi came out and lifted me off using her amazing strength. What a funny thing to have my child wrap her arms around me, helping me down, as if I were a little baby. I am so grateful to have such strong and capable children, whom I adore and love beyond words. I just love them so much.

As I continue to heal both physically and emotionally, I can feel this new creature being created within me; I am not the same. Each day I grow one step closer to knowing my Savior on a more personal level, and for that, I must give thanks.

My relationship with my Savior is everything.

Because of Him, I can run again; both body, and soul.

P.S. That is my most recently operated on leg right after my run. It is healing well. Eventually all the scarring and bruising will disappear, and both of my legs will be whole. I look forward to that day!

A Visit to Idaho City

We went for a little drive up to Idaho City. It was a beautiful day, and it had been a long time since we visited the cemetery. It is closed during the winter, so we just don't get there much, which is actually fine with me, and the kids. 

It is a beautiful place to visit, but we prefer to just celebrate him living, rather than grieving at his place of burial. We actually feel the closest to him in our home. Though the cemetery is peaceful and pleasant; he is not there. His body has not yet risen, but his spirit has, and he has work to do. When he has a moment, he pops back home for a visit. I did not feel close to him at all there, while looking at the dirt that covers his mortal husk. 

We walked around a bit, but did not stay too long, since it was a school night. We also stopped at the school park to let the kids play. My parents are here visiting from Alaska, so we all got to enjoy the journey together. It was nice just to get out for a ride. It has been awhile since we have done any traveling. I was able to keep some ice packs on my legs while riding in the backseat, so that was nice. Sometimes it is just so nice to ride. I am the only driver in our family now, so riding is a pleasure I do not often get to enjoy. 

When we got to the cemetery, we found that someone had left a snickers bar on Charles' headstone. I don't know if it was randomly placed, or meaningfully left there by someone? It made the kids smile though, we just left it there... we will see if the animals ever come for it.

There was a moment when the sun was shining right on the headstone. It was really beautiful. I really do love it there. Just to be there is a blessing, and a miracle the way that the location came about in the first place. I have seen more than my fair share of miracles, that is for sure. 

I desperately miss Charles, but I know that he still lives. He is as alive as I am. He is just through another door; one that I cannot open quite yet. I will see him again, and we will be together always. Death is not the end. It is just another beginning... 

"End? No, the journey doesn't end here. Death is just another path, one that we all must take. The grey rain curtain of this world rolls back, and all turns to silver glass, and then you see it... white shores, and beyond, a far green country under a swift sunrise." - Gandalf. 

The journey doesn't end here. Actually, the journey never ends. It continues on forever, and ever. I suppose we might as well enjoy it, right? 

Courage to continue, my friends. 

Here are some pictures from our little trip... it was a beautiful evening. 

Into the Woods

I love to walk in the woods. I am supposed to go for a walk daily, to help my legs heal. I have had to stop running for awhile, but it will not be long now, and I will be able to start picking up the pace again. I am excited to run, but for now, I have been enjoying my walks. It is my time to communicate with my Heavenly Father. It is just easier for me to feel the Spirit when I am out in His beautiful world. 

Yesterday was amazing. I felt so good. Even though my leg is a little sore -- mostly from bruising -- it still feels great to move. I went for a walk by the river, about 4 miles, and enjoyed every minute of it. I could have stayed out there forever. The weather was perfect, and the smell was like Heaven. There are certain areas around the river and trees where I just stop and suck in the amazing aroma of Spring. It is an overwhelming sensation that makes my mind burst with pure joy. There are no words to describe the beauty of the smell. You know the smell I am talking about though, don't you? 

Mmmmmm...yummy! 

I love Spring. It just makes me feel so hopeful. It is such a beautiful and glorious time of life. 

I love the smell of mowed grass, it is also a favorite Spring smell. It brings back childhood memories. I can remember waking up on a lazy summer day in Alaska to the sound of a lawn mower. I would lay in my bed with the window open and soak in the beauty of the sunlight. The smell of grass would tickle my nose, and cause me to feel a sense of happiness. I would flip my pillow over to the cool side, and thrill in the fact that life was good. Summer in Alaska... there is nothing like it. The smells there are incredible, especially in the woods. Talk about fresh air! Yum!  

Isn't it funny how smells can take you back to different memories in time? 

Spring is full of smells and memories. Charles and I started dating in the Spring, in Alaska. 

I brought my camera along my walk, and took some pictures... 

Perfect Love Can Conquer Fear

I hobbled my way to Stake Conference on Sunday. My leg was still pretty sore, but I did not want to miss it. I love to hear the messages, and be uplifted. I decided we would just find an empty room so I could put my feet up, and we could all listen. It worked out great. I even brought a pillow. Daniel helped me slowly limp from the car to the room, and back. I sure am grateful to have kids with such strength. 

The kids walked around and colored, and kept Henry mostly quiet so we could hear. I was able to hear all the talks, and take some notes. As I was listening to a talk, a message came to my mind. It was not a message that was spoken, but one that was felt in my heart. 

I had been having a hard time with feelings of fear lately, especially in the night. I just sometimes get worried about the future, and what is to come. I am not only concerned for my family, but for our country, and even the world. There is so much contention in the world as of late, and it makes me sad that people are so very angry. I sense a climax coming, and I am not sure the results will have a positive effect on the hearts of the people. We live in strange, contentious, times. People love to contend against each other. People seem to thrive on debate. There is so much harshness, and so much hate. Looking back over history, these kind of times don't usually end well. 

My heart had been considering this concerning reality, when the message was broadcast loud and clear to my mind:

"Perfect love casteth out all fear." 

My heart swirled and felt instantly calmed, and comforted. I know it is true that perfect love can conquer fear. How beautiful is that? I felt within myself that I need to love more. I especially need to love and trust God more. Though the world is fraught with peril and contention, He is in control. If I cleave to Him, there is no need for me to be afraid of anything. 

Fear is not of God; love is of God. 

As Yoda said: "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering."  

So many people are suffering. So many people suffer from the gnawing poison of fear, hate, and doubt. All I have to do is take a look at Facebook to have a glimpse into the anger that dominants the lives of so many. I see so much doubt and confusion, leaving people empty and without hope, or direction. This breaks my heart. People find it easier to cleave to the ways of the world, than the truths of the gospel. 

I know life is not easy, and full of troubles, and peril; but it is also possible to create our own storm clouds that follow wherever we go. It is possible to take a disappointment and transform it into despair, just by our attitudes and decisions. 

It is also possible to focus on what is good and hopeful, even in your darkest hours. It is possible to have a heart full of love, that can conquer all fear, and help you to fly, rather than fall. As we focus our hearts and love more on the God who gave us life, our perspective can change, and our hope can carry us through all of life's battles. 

As for me, I am going to pray for it. I am going to pray to have my heart filled with a more perfect love. It really is the only way to get rid of fear. And I want to rid myself of fear, and fill myself with an even brighter faith. 

These scriptures are a great reminder... 

John 4:16-21

 16 And we have known and believed the love that God hath to us. God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him.

 17 Herein is our love made perfect, that we may have boldness in the day of judgment: because as he is, so are we in this world.

 18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.

 19 We love him, because he first loved us.

 20 If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?

 21 And this commandment have we from him, That he who loveth God love his brother also.

Love is powerful. 

Let it fill your heart with hope and joy, and allow love to conquer your fears.