When Marriage Lessons are Hard

I sat squirming in my chair during Sunday School. We were visiting a different ward, so David and I were able to attend the adult Sunday School class together. We knew what the lessons topic was going to be about, so we were prepared for the potential discomfort that could arise from the topic of the day.

The topic for discussion was on eternal marriage, and divorce.

A "fun" lesson for a divorcee and a widow, who just got married.

I began to squeeze David's hand, to make sure he was doing alright, as the comments during the lesson became a little piercing for us personally. He sat there like a peaceful rock of confidence. But I continued to anxiously squeeze his hand very hard, perhaps more for my sake, than for his.

Enduring the divorce-comment-discomfort in class was new for me, but it was not an unfamiliar feeling. It was the first time I could feel the sting from comments directly about divorce, and the devastation that can come from it. This topic is now a reality -- much more near and dear to my heart -- as the effects of divorce have become a new element in my life, through marrying David.

However, even though the divorce-dialogue was a new prickly feeling for me, I am personally very familiar with the puncturing pain that can come, from uncomfortable comments at church. As a widow, there have been many times where I have wanted to walk out of class. There were times when my heart was breaking in sadness and grief, and the lessons were just too close to home, or some comments became too painful, while sitting in such a vulnerable state.

Over the last 5 years of widowhood, I only left class once. All of the other times, I endured the personal pain quietly, saturated in tears, in my seat of sacred soul-stretching sorrow.

Church is a beautiful place of peace; but it can also be a place of pain, because of the imperfections of the people.

But the pain from the people, does not have to be a bad thing.

Surrounding ourselves with imperfect people can be for our good!

We all need each other.

I have learned that church is a place for diverse and deep spiritual-growth experiences and feelings, it is not just a place for peace. Sometimes the most powerful lessons permeate the heart, when accompanied by sorrow and suffering caused by others. We learn so much from going to church, even when the learning comes from harsh exposure to the thoughts and insights, from our fellow imperfect followers of Christ.

In fact, I believe we each take our turn in being the one who might ruffle the feathers of our faith-filled friends, that flock to church. We are all learning, and growing together. We are each spiritual fledglings, over eager to fly, despite the fact that our "flight feathers" have not developed yet. We are all awkward and inexperienced. But in order to grow, and fly, we must also be stretched -- sometimes to the very end of our limits -- so that one day, we can fly away from the nest, and return to our Heavenly Father.

Those around us -- even those who test us the most -- will help us to grow and become who we are meant to be.

Yesterday, at church, there was certainly a great advantage to being prepared for the lesson ahead of time. We knew the sensitive topic of marriage and divorce was coming, and so we were both on spiritual high-alert.

With David's experiences from divorce, and with my experiences as a widow, we could potentially become offended -- under a much larger emotional umbrella -- by questionable comments in class, based on our combined union of temperamental triggers.

When it comes to marriage and family, we certainly do not have an "ideal family" situation. What we have now, with our combined family dynamic, was not something we ever planned on experiencing in this life.

We do not have the ideal, but what we do have is delightful.

The wrath of death and divorce, has been swallowed up in the Divine.

As the Sunday School lesson progressed, and the unkind comment regarding divorce begin to dissipate, that is when David decided to raise his hand and speak. The teacher of the class was phenomenal, perhaps one of the best I have seen, and he brought the Spirit into the classroom in a beautiful way. He handled all of the comments and questions with grace and kindness.

The teacher asked if anyone had an experience with asking the Lord, "What lack I yet?"

At just the right moment in the lesson, David began to speak in his gentle way. He briefly mentioned that he was divorced. He then expressed how much he loves his children. He talked about how making the change in what we lack is often not a physical challenge, but more of an emotional one. To really let go of what keeps us from fully following the Lord, requires great humility. David had a very deep and personal experience with the Lord, when he asked, "What lack I yet?" in a humble way.

Tears slipped gently from his eyes, as he expressed that he is doing his best to love and take care of his family, with help from the Lord, even though it is not the ideal. His hand was shaking in mine, but his voice and words were clear and vulnerable, and my love for him grew even more.

Directly after class, a sweet woman came right over to David, and with tears in her eyes, she thanked him. She said her mother had been visiting that day, her mother had been through a divorce, and she did the best she could to raise the children. I had noticed her Mother's tears throughout the class, but I did not know why she had been crying. It all made sense after the tears and the sweet hug from this girl, who was so grateful for David's willingness to be vulnerable, and share his personal and real feelings.

He was able to touch the hearts of those who needed it most.

I am so grateful he was willing to open his mouth, and speak from his heart.

I fully believe if we speak from the heart, like-hearted people will feel it too.

It really is so important to be sensitive to those around us, especially at church. We cannot completely avoid offending others, but I think we can all be more gentle. I know I can do better. We do not see the sorrow that is held so carefully in the smiling faces around us.

We each have vastly different life experiences, that create little targets on our hearts. We have vulnerable places that can be pierced and wounded by thoughtless words and actions. Sometimes it is hard to be patient and respond to offense with kindness, but it is always the better way.

If you are sitting at church, and your heart is pounding out of your chest -- because you are feeling something piercing your heart profoundly -- do not be afraid to follow the Spirit, and speak.

Someone else might be waiting for you to rescue their aching heart, with the comfort of your shared feelings.

I have learned over the years that our best defense against offense is the Holy Ghost. The Holy Ghost can fill our hearts with love for God, and love for our neighbors. That love acts as a protectant shield to the heart, helping us to see and love others more clearly. We may still feel the initial sting from harsh words and actions, but with the help of the Holy Ghost, the dialogue-daggers need not create a festering spiritual flesh wound, that won't heal. If we are humble, we can use that protectant shield to shelter the hearts of others too.

So, when lessons are feeling a little hard at church, speak up!

Share your pounding heart.

You might just be the answer to prayer.

You might just change a life, or two.

You might just bring someone closer to Christ.

And that is what church is all about.

Death, Judgement, and the Time that is Given to Us

I belong to a Facebook support group for widows. It is a place where those who have lost a spouse can go to receive support and encouragement; it is also a safe place to vent the hard grief-filled feelings that others might not understand.

I have learned so much from my fellow widows and widowers over the years, and I am grateful to have had access to so many, who have shared such difficult life experiences. It is such a blessing to be able to connect with others, who walk a similar path in life.

Sometimes in this sacred widow-filled space, questions are asked, or feelings are expressed, that are very hard and heartbreaking. I have been there in that space myself, searching, pleading, and begging for answers. I have felt and asked those hard questions repeatedly, over the course of my journey. There have been times, when I have asked my questions out loud, and other times my questions remain quaking in the fault lines of my heart.

One question that comes up often, and repeatedly, is simply, "Why?" 

Asking "why" is such a powerful and profound question. But I have learned that asking why can sometimes leave a gapping hole in the heart, that cannot be filled with continuous question marks.

What I have found, is that often peace comes from letting go of the question. It is not an easy thing to do, to let go of the need to know. In fact, it can feel torturous at times, to live with unanswered questions. As mortal beings, we want to know things. Believing can feel like too much for God to ask of us. Living by faith can feel like a harder path; but once you let go of the need to know, it is the more excellent way.

We are here to believe, to have faith.

It is kind of the point of earth life.

We are born to believe!

Some of the questions I have heard often -- including from myself -- have been:

Why do good people die, when others who are "not-so-good" still live? 

Why do some die far too young, while others get to live out their lives with arms full of grandchildren, and heads covered with grey hair? 

Why do some people suffer tragic terminal illnesses, and others die unexpectedly? 

Why was I left behind to suffer? 

Why are my children left without a father, or mother? 

Why me? Why now? 

Why God? Oh why? 

I have been pondering these questions a bit lately.

In my pondering, I found a beautiful yet simple answer, from the story The Lord of the Rings. In the middle of a very treacherous journey, Gandalf spoke to Frodo about judging who deserves life and death. Here is the short, yet powerful, dialogue...

Gandalf: "Many that live deserve death. Some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them? Do not be too eager to deal out death and judgement. Even the very wise cannot see all ends....

Frodo: "I wish none of this had happened."

Gandalf: "So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us." 

The raw answers to the many "why?" questions of life, will likely not change the course of the past. The past is over, it is gone, and complete. Spinning spiritually on a hamster-wheel of whys, won't bring back the dead. But if asking "why?" can be a question that is placed towards the course and direction of the future, I believe therein lies the beautiful answer, and places us on the path to future joy and happiness.

I believe, for those of us who are still living on the earth, we can determine the answers to our own questions, by the choices we make going forward.

With God's heavenly help, we can change our question marks into exclamation points!

If you are alive today, make the "why me?" question count!

All you have to decide, is what to do with the time that is given to you.

Leave the rest to God, and take solace in Jesus.

God is not the keeper of unanswered questions:

He is The Answer.

A Whole Lot of Living and Finding a Wedding Location

Life has been moving at an interesting pace. There have been some very big life-changing events, and some very small and simple special moments. I want to capture all of it, and I feel the need to be more diligent in my efforts. My children love to be able to look back over our lives, and see their memories and special moments. Life is a wonderful journey, and I value the fact that I have a space to capture the wonder!

This post is simply meant to capture some of those wonder-filled moments.

Here we go... the pictures are not in order or anything, I am just going to throw it all out very randomly...

Here we have Sammi and Daniel ready for Prom. Daniel was able to go as a Sophomore because his 16th birthday was two days before Prom, and he was asked by a Senior girl.

Sammi and Daniel went on a choir trip to Disneyland. How amazing is that? They were so excited and they had a wonderful time! Their school walked away with superior ratings in band, choir, and orchestra.

Here is Sammi with her choir teacher Mr. Kane. He is phenomenal. He does tremendous things with the choirs. My kids are super lucky to have him as their choir director!

 A cute picture of Sammi in California.

Daniel is showing off his beach body. He has been working out and taking care of himself lately, and he is feeling and looking very handsome.

They had a parent night for Encore. They performed a bunch of music from past concerts. It was a fun and entertaining night, and the students especially enjoyed the fun.

Daniel being Daniel.

Sammi and Daniel at Disneyland.

Dole Whip. Need I say more? Yum!

Beach time in California.

Sammi and Katie. They have known each other since First grade!

My beautiful girl.

Henry's birthday cake. We had all three of the boy's birthdays... Henry on April 24th, Daniel on April 25th, and William on April 26th. Yes, it is crazy!

This right here is one of those life-changing events. One night, David introduced me to the most wondrous creation... Cookie Butter. He served it to me on Cheesecake factory bread, and I became hooked. Well, at first I thought it was good, but then later that night, I started to crave it like crazy. The next time I tried it I LOVED it! I highly recommend this delectable treat. Make sure when you purchase it, get the CRUNCHY kind. You can find it in the peanut butter section at Albertsons. Choose a super yummy bread to put it on, and enjoy your new addiction. :)

You are welcome.


This picture is from a random Sunday night walk back when it was cold outside.

William had a band concert and grandma was super proud of him. I was too! William rocked it! He plays the trombone, and he did an awesome job. William is growing like crazy right now, he is almost as tall as me, and he is only 12!

We had a bunch of cousins and family come to see Sammi in Cinderella. It was so fun to be surrounded by family.

I loved having my sister around to enjoy the event. You can barely tell we are sisters, right? ;)

Our house was full of love and family.

Two cute angels. Joy and Sammi.

Precious girls.

Throwing rocks by the river.

More precious girls. McKinley and Joy.

I love these girls!

We went to see Wicked just a few days after Cinderella was over. It was AMAZING. We were totally blown away by the talent and magic.

Sammi and I saw it only two weeks after Charles died 5 years ago. That was hard. This time I enjoyed it much more. Daniel was SO impressed by all of it. He loves musical theater and it rocked his world.

This table was made by David. It is so beautiful. I love having it in our home. He is a man of many talents!

Daniel and Sammi... these two are so funny together. They really are so different and yet they are the best of buddies. They always have been, I hope they always will be.

William can now throw a rock all the way across the river. That is a big deal.

I love my sweet Sammi.

Daniel giving Henry a thrill ride.

I took Sammi to the Cheesecake factory on a date. It is fun spending time with just Sammi. She is so pleasant to be with. We ordered way too much food. It was so yummy, and it was a precious time with her.

I love the nighttime ambiance of the restaurant. I love how it is so darkly lit.

The Nachos there... SO good.

Here is where David asked me to marry him. We went back to the bench we sat on during our very first date. That first date was so awkward for me, and yet, I felt strangely comfortable with him, despite my inability to relax. We talked for hours and hours on the bench that first night, as the sun went down. He was friendly, and I was a bit emotionally-cold, but he was patient with my widow-dating-again-weirdness. I am sure I will write more about some of the weirdness later.

Here is Daniel getting ready to leave home for Disneyland.

They rode on buses the whole way there and back.

Springtime is such a glorious thing!

Henry loves jumping on the trampoline!

I love to go down by the river and enjoy the beauty of nature.

Tulips!

We have a beautiful tree in our front yard with pink blossoms, but the pink flowers only last for a short time. The wind seems to blow them away really fast. But it is lovely while it lasts.

My parents came and stayed with my children during our honeymoon. Here is grandma teaching Henry how to make peanut butter cup easter eggs. They were dangerous. Henry loved the grandma attention.

We were trying to find a location where we could get married. It was not an easy task! We went all over the place, looking for somewhere in nature that would be a beautiful and appropriate location.

As we were up in the foothills, on a beautiful Sunday night, I had some time by myself. David ran up ahead to scout out some other possible places farther up the dirt trail. We thought maybe the foothills would be a symbolic substitute for going up a mountain, since we could not be married in the temple. It was the Sunday night before we were to get married, and we still did not know where we would perform the ceremony!

While alone in the hills, I prayed asking for guidance about our marriage location. It had been a real struggle for me to accept a location other than the temple. The answer to my prayer that night was quick, and straightforward. My answer was, "It does not matter where you get married at this point, you just need to get married."

I had really been struggling with the fact that we could not be married in the temple (because of current handbook policies for widows/divorcees), and it was causing me to drag my feet a bit. My greatest desire was to be married to David in the temple -- even if only for time -- since we cannot currently be sealed. I just could not imagine settling for something less than marriage in the temple, especially since it is a place I attend often, and I love it so much.

Of course, I also wanted the temple to be the standard I set for my children. For example, on the way out the door to our wedding, Henry heard we were getting married at a park, and he said, "Why are you getting married at a park? I thought you are supposed to get married at the temple." I just let that one go, without trying to explain the details to his little mind... especially since I didn't have an answer myself. Hard stuff, I tell you what.

I wrestled with God over this for many, many, months. I cried, and cried, and pled with the Lord, hoping for some guidance and understanding, or at least some peace. We talked with many people in our search for answers. David was super supportive, and he was open and willing to marry me anywhere, thank goodness. He is of the opinion that it will all work out, and he is right, of course. But sometimes the in-between space that exists somewhere in the middle of "it will all" and "work out" can be difficult.

I never did receive the answers I was seeking for, and I never gained a solid understanding. In fact, I still do not have peace regarding the fact that we could not be married in the temple. It causes my heart to flop back and forth from time-to-time, with a bit of pain. The wedding ceremony was beautiful, but we both agree it felt incomplete, and secondary, in comparison to the power of the temple sealing. We still made marriage covenants before God, but the wording was something like, "while you walk this mortal life/until death do you part," and it felt like a dam blocking forever.

We are still holding on to hope, that one day, it might be possible to be sealed to each other. No, I will never cancel my sealing to Charles; but I would happily be sealed to both Charles and David, and then work out the details with God later.

Despite my lack of answers and peace on the important subject, what I ultimately decided to do, was take a leap of faith and get married.

I know that God knows all things, and that He can work miracles, as we take the leap of faith, into His loving arms.

I have faith in God and His timing in my life.

Am I disappointed that my prayers have not been answered, the way that I would like? Yes. Will it stop me from walking by faith, and continuing on with hope? No. I believe that God will reveal His will and wisdom to me in His own time. I just have to be patient.

I am not very good at patient.

But I will try and leave the eternal details to God.

He knows better than I do.

In the meantime, all we can do is live worthy and strive to love each other in a way that will last forever.

We have to choose each other everyday... forever. 

There is beauty in that kind of love.

(This was the sunset that night.)

I sure love this guy. He has brought light back into my life. Yes, we have hard times, and weird newly-married, figuring-things-out kind of discussions; but being married again feels like I am myself again, and I am just grateful. I can't explain it, but I like it!

I love David!

Here I am, just moments before getting married. It felt so strangely weird, and normal, at the same time. David got ready downstairs, and then we drove to our wedding together. Nothing about our wedding was traditional. It was just meant to be simple and sweet. We will be having a big reception where everyone can come and celebrate with us!

Sammi was the only one who came to the wedding, other than our parents, and the bishop. The reason was simply because she wanted to come, and the relationship I have with Sammi is not something I can explain to other people. She has been my dearest daughter, friend, and companion, and it just felt right that she should be there. David was all for it. She also represented the angels -- on both sides of the veil -- who were witnessing, and blessing, our union. I loved having her there. I also wanted her to see firsthand that the temple is a far superior place to get married than a local park.

Moments like these make my heart melt. Sammi said to me, "I hope David will think of me as at least half of his daughter." He is super sweet to her, and he knows to bring her mint chocolate chip ice cream when she needs it.

After all our searching, we ended up getting married at a park near our house. I was still scoping out the location the day of the wedding, and we did not know exactly where we would be, until the very moment of the ceremony. We were trying to find a mostly secluded spot. It goes against my very nature to be so spontaneous with something so important, but after the answer I received from God to hurry up and make it happen, I was open to pretty much anywhere. I just wanted to marry David.

David has the sweetest family, the Youngbergs. I love them, and I am thrilled to be part of their family. David has 8 siblings, and it seems like everyone I run into knows a Youngberg!

I love Sammi in this picture... my kids have put up with a lot of kissing over the last 8 months. ;)

Here we have Daniel getting ready for Prom. He is quite the Dapper Dan.

Oh man, I love them!

The kids have had all sorts of choir concerts.


I love the temple. It is my source of peace when peace is gone.

Sammi performing at the Encore parent night.

We hiked/jogged up Table Rock. The yellow flowers were out and so glorious!

David and I went with Daniel. Daniel flew up the mountain a lot faster than us, but we made it too!

Daniel has been really working out and getting healthy.

Here he is doing some modified rock climbing.

He spent last summer at Scout camp teaching rock climbing. This year he will be working at the YMCA as a lifeguard.

David had to climb too.

We went to the Youngbergs for a family gathering. Their family is musical too! Daniel spent some time singing with the brothers. We really missed Sammi (she was sick), we could have used her piano skills. But it was so adorable watching the boys all working together making music! It made David's mom really happy. And me too!

A new way to jump on the trampoline...

We went to the Village in Meridian, to watch the Avengers movie. The movie was tolerable, I suppose. ;) But what was really nice, was walking around the Village fountains at night. Did you know this location was where David and I first kissed? I will share more about that later... but it was the first time we had been back there since. It is such a romantic place!

I love this guy!

So fun!

More Prom pics...



Watch out world, here they come!

Beautiful ladies...

Daniel as a sophomore, and his senior date. Does it scare me that he can date now? Yep. 

Fun in the sun on the California choir trip.

Sammi received a very special Maestro Award while they were in California. She stood on the Hyperion stage in Disneyland, the place where they perform the Frozen musical. She was backstage with the Frozen props, and she said it was an other-worldy experience when they called her name and she walked onto the stage. (Disneyland is an extremely special place for our family, so it was an intense heavenly moment for her.)

She had performed a phenomenal solo during their choir performance competition, and she was awarded for her performance, and she was praised and complemented for putting her whole body and soul into the music. She had not even originally tried out for the solo, because she had just been Cinderella, and she did not think she had a chance. But the choir teacher asked her to try out, and she was the right voice and dynamic for the job. It was such a blessing and miracle for her. I could not be more proud of her for being so brave, and putting all of her guts into her music, without fear!

Sammi came with me on a date to try and find a wedding dress, for me. Everything about it felt so weird! It was all backwards! I walked through the bridal store with my daughter, while she tried to help her mother find the right wedding dress.

What has happened to my life?

Sammi could not resist trying on a few dresses along the way. That was the fun part, because there was no pressure for her! But I was not happy with any of the dresses at the bridal store. They were either immodest, or shaped like a big bulky white fluff-bomb. I am almost 40.  I did not want to look like a puffy white cupcake, with sparkly sequins sprinkles.

Cute Sammi. :)

Here I am, a widow, mother of 4, standing in front of a wedding dress, and I am wondering how in the world I got to this strange place in my life.

After searching the stores, and finding only expensive-fluff-ball-style-dress-disappointment, I decided to turn to the Internet. I found an online store that sells more glorified temple-style dresses, and I immediately found one that I absolutely loved. I bought it for under $100, and I was one happy girl! I felt beautiful, rather than bulky. 

 

I found some random Cinderella pictures... Sammi was being so expressive! She stayed in character the whole time.

These kids are royal to me!

I love my beautiful babies!

Sammi is really going to miss her choir friends. It has been a family for her!

I went to the temple with my parents. I love my mom and dad! They were so good and helpful during the whole getting married process! They have been traveling around lately, going to as many temples as they can.

Me and my boys, back when it was cold. :)

We went to the dinner before Cinderella. It was so fun to be there with family.

Love this girl!

Love my family!

David was not going to be able to make it to a dance after the Cinderella play. He was planning on it, but things came up that would keep him from coming. But, at the very last minute before the dance started, he showed up, and we were able to have that special moment together. He won some major points with my sister for being my Prince Charming that night. And I fell in love with him, even more.

Sammi was excited to find a picture of her Cinderella wedding dress, hanging on the Morrison Center wall. They had borrowed it from BSU. The Cinderella tiara she wore was from the real Cinderella Broadway musical. The makeup artist who made Sammi Cinderella had the tiara, and allowed her to wear it. So special!

See! Same dress!

It was a force beyond the two of us that brought us together... that is for sure! 

David is so good with Henry and his energy.

And finally, another friendly reminder... 

Go to the store and grab some crunchy-style Cookie Butter! 

Your life will be better for it. 

I know mine is! ;)