Halloween: Part 2

Halloween was a little different this year. Everything was kind of left to the last minute... including costumes. I just wasn't feeling it for some reason. I enjoyed it yesterday, and today, but that was about the extent of our Halloween fun for this year. And I am ok with that! Let's move on to the good stuff! 

The kids are all very different ages. The older ones are at the end of their trick-or-treating days, while Henry was a little too young for bags of candy. But William is just in his Halloween glory days, with everything full of magic and wonder. It makes things interesting. It worked out fine though. 

I sent the kids over to the trunk-or-treat at the church, where they mingled with friends, and scooped-up loads of candy. We then went down to a fun neighborhood and trick-or-treated around on foot. I was originally going to stay in the van -- which I did for awhile -- but then I heard the kids say, "It's just not the same, I wish daddy were here." My heart broke a little, and I knew it was up to me to get off my bum, and try and make it more fun for them -- despite the pain in my back. 

Luckily, I had a stroller in the van. I buckled Henry in nice and tight, and off we went as a family. The kids were much happier when I got out with them. Our friends that we normally go with were out of town this year, which made it a little lame for the kids. Halloween is more fun with friends. 

Walking around experiencing Halloween made me feel weird. It seemed almost out-of-body. I just kept asking myself, "Is this really my life?" Everything is the same, but painfully different. I know holidays and special events will bring up these feelings, and place them on the surface. I just cannot express how crazy I can feel sometimes. Death does strange things to the brain, that is for sure. We also went to a neighborhood we lived in for a year, and I just felt so strange being there. I could not help but wonder where the time and memories had gone. We had lived life there for a whole year, but now it is just someone else's house. It was so strange to sit there parked in that neighborhood, a flood of memories came to my mind. Time... it is just hastening on at a very concerning rate, don't you think? 

Speaking of hastening time... take a look at these kids! Eek! They are getting so grown-up. Sammi has a little over 4 years left at home with me. Daniel has a little over 6 years. Thank goodness we spaced the kids out like we did, so I will still have some children around for awhile! William has more than 10 years, and Henry, well, he will be with me for a good, long, while. It is all just going by so quickly though. All those people were not joking when they said it goes by fast! My little babies are now teenagers! Crazy! 

This year we did last minute costumes... 

Daniel was Tony Stark (Iron Man). 

It is hard to see in the light, but the Arc Reactor on the shirt lights up. Pretty cool. He is quite the charmer, eh? If this is a glimpse into his future then I am in trouble! ;) 

William was a Hobbit... a happy Hobbit. :-) he was super-excited about everything this year, he made it fun. :) 

Sammi was a cowgirl. This is likely one of her last years to trick-or-treat. She might be able to get away with one more year... maybe. She is my beautiful girl. I put some eye makeup on her, which she wanted at first, but she hated it. She was so happy to take it off. Sammi is lucky, and she is beautiful without any makeup. I love that she hates it. I love that she is comfortable in her own skin. (It was fun to see her in makeup though.) Sammi is my tough princess. She will always be my pretty princess, no matter how old she is.

Henry stuck with me this year. I was so lame I did not even do a costume for him. Next year, I will. Next year he will care! He is so full of life he just does not stay put for one minute. And I was just not into it... next year I will make it special for him. He was happy just to get a few pieces of candy, and to watch the kids trick-or-treat while sitting in the stroller.

Here are a few pictures from Halloween gone by... where does the time go? I mean, really?! 

We sure missed daddy this year. It just wasn't the same without him. 

Happy Halloween 2014

Happy Halloween! The kids are home from school today. We have been relaxing, playing with pumpkins, and mentally preparing for the festivities tonight. (The kids are super excited!) I like Halloween, but what I really love are the holidays to come... bring on the spirit of gratitude, and light, with Thanksgiving and Christmas! Woo!

It has been a pretty fun day, except I tweaked my back out yesterday, and I can barely bend over properly. Ugh. I was just reaching for the toilet brush, and WHAM! I have been sick for the past few weeks, so I think everything is just kind of "off" with my body, and my back decided to remind me what pain feels like. I have been applying hot/cold, and trying to stretch it out and keep moving. I don't really have the lying down and doing nothing option, so I just gotta keep on keeping on. It hurts, but that is life sometimes. Pain will not keep me from the festivities. Though it may keep me in the car rather than walking around... not sure yet!

This too shall pass, right? Right.

Last night we carved our pumpkins. The kids did it all on their own this year, without help from me, or daddy. Charles always loved carving pumpkins and he would take his time and be very elaborate. I missed his excitement this year. We all did. But we managed to still have some fun. My fun was mingled with intense physical pain, but I tried to be in the moment with the kids. I did complain quite a bit though... as the kids will testify. I required a lot of help with everything, especially keeping after Henry, and changing his diaper. I am so grateful I have kids who can help when I need it. And I am grateful they are so understanding.

We have a tradition of lighting the pumpkins, turning out the lights, and reading Halloween stories. We read from an old Primary book I found at my grandma's house, after she passed away. The book is called, "Tell me a Story." The stories are just sweet and fun, and the kids love them. We read the stories by flashlight. It was when we were gathered around as family reading when William said, "Now it feels like Halloween!" And he was right, it did! There is just something about gathering and reading together as family... it is special.

We also have a tradition of watching a video of the Haunted Mansion ride at Disneyland. We have a movie that has a behind the scenes of the ride, and it is so fun to watch it, and feel the magic. We love Disneyland, and we love the Haunted Mansion ride. It is perfect for getting in the Halloween mood.

It was super exciting for us to watch the video this year, because we will be riding the Haunted Mansion ride in just a few weeks!

That's right... we are going to Disneyland! YaHOO! I can't wait!

Don't worry, I will take tons of pictures!

Here are some pre-Halloween pictures... more to come after the festivities tonight!

Happy Halloween to all!

I Just Miss Him

I had a dream about Charles last night. I actually prayed that I would dream about him, because it had been awhile, and I just miss him. I am not going to go into the details of the dream, but I will tell you that in my dream I had such a longing for him... it was gut-wrenching and painful. He did not speak in my dream, he just looked at me knowingly, and my heart wanted to be with him so badly. 

When I woke-up this morning, I felt cold and empty. Most days I can subdue my emotions, but this morning I found myself left in a world without him, and it hurt. Sometimes I really want to just go back to sleep, because he might be there waiting for me in my dreams. But there is life to live. And so far, all my dreams do is cause me heartache in real life. They just remind me of what is gone from me. 

It was just an emotional day from beginning to end. 

This afternoon I had to go to parent-teacher conferences, alone. Charles used to come with me. He loved hearing about how the kids were doing in school. The conferences all went very well, but when I was finished with my last one (Sammi's) at the junior high, I got in the car, and tears began to fall. I was surprised at my feelings. I was not expecting such emotion to burst to the surface, but it just came. The conferences were a reminder that I now have do everything without him. I guess I also realized there was no one I could discuss the children and their progress with -- no one like him, who cares just as much as I do, because they are part of him. Once again the weight of being a single mother felt heavy on my shoulders. 

It is hard to keep so much to myself nowadays. I miss having Charles to talk to about everything. I just miss him so much in every way possible. We used to just sit with each other and talk for hours and hours. I loved that. We would solve all the world's problems together. Now I have to solve them on my own, and that is not as fun. 

As I drove home from the junior high in tears, the future flashed before my eyes. I imagined many, many, years of parent-teacher conferences handled all alone. My heart felt burdened, and I even spoke out loud to Charles, and my Heavenly Father. I even complained and felt a little angry, while in my sadness. I declared out loud that I hated the fact that Charles is not with me. I really, really, wish he was still here. I really want to see him again, and to be able to hold him again. I just miss him. It is all on the surface today. 

After the dream, I ended up thinking about Charles all day. I took some time to go over old blog posts, and I spent time looking over wonderful memories with him. I am so grateful I took so many pictures of him. I am so grateful I captured so much of our lives together. Looking over our life brings me joy, but it also makes me sad that there will never be pictures of us growing old together. There will never be pictures of Charles with his grandchildren. I so badly wanted to see Charles as an old man. I so desperately wanted to be able to grow old with him, to walk through life hand-in-hand, and to serve together. Instead, I get to go it alone... for potentially a very, long, time. I admit, that does not cause me much joy. 

My dreams for the future have all changed... I don't even know what I want anymore. I am trying to figure out a new dream, but I do not see a path before me other than "steady as she goes." I know I am still in the beginning of all of this "new life" thing. I am looking through a glass darkly. I feel like I am in a cocoon, and one day I will break free from it. I will be able to fly -- just not quite yet. I am still too fragile. I need to gain my strength, before I spread my wings and soar. 

Being a widow is an emotional roller-coaster. Somedays I feel so happy and enlightened beyond understanding, and other days I feel so sad, and I desperately want to know how everything is going to work out. It will work out... but I sure do wonder what that means? I know I am the one that has to make it work out too, with help from God, of course. I do not expect Him to do all the work for me. One day at a time I will find my way, and the path will be made clear to me. 

Today is a very mortal day. I feel very human. Today I just really miss my best friend. I wish he could be with me. I have so much to tell him. And so much to ask him! 

Dang it, Charles. Did you have to go? 

The very last picture is how Charles was looking at me in my dream... Oh how I miss that look.