Cling to Courage : July 2017

Empty Chairs

Our table is not as full as it once was. There are missing pieces in our family dynamic at home. With each empty chair, there becomes and empty place in my heart. A place of longing that fills the very caverns in my soul. Charles, well, his seat will forever be empty in this life. But now my children are flying more consistently away from the nest too, as they continue to get older. Having them go away on their adventures causes very mixed emotions, and I am left feeling very melancholy, as they spread their wings and fly.

Daniel (he is 14) is still at Scout Camp. I am really starting to miss him. I miss Daniel, but Sammi really misses him. Sometimes Sammi and I will watch videos of him singing to make us feel better. Sammi keeps saying, "I miss Daniel, and I want him home now." I feel the same way. I am ready for him to come home. He still has a few more weeks left.

I am all for him having this great experience out there in the woods, learning how to work, and be away from home. (Great mission preparation, for both of us!) And he has been loving it there. Daniel is a people person, and he has been surrounded by loads of people. He also loves the outdoors like his dad, and so he is in his dirt-filled, rugged, manly, element.

I am happy he is happy.

But we do feel his absence in our home. He has been the man of the house since Charles died, and that role has fallen on William's capable 10 year old shoulders. Of course we have managed just fine without him. But we miss his charisma, strength, and silliness. Sammi especially misses singing with him... the house has been so quiet without his presence. It is funny how just removing one child -- any child -- seems to make a difference in volume. Daniel has a particular skill at projecting his voice, so his absence has left a very audible difference in sound decibels.

I am keenly aware of the great changes that are creeping their way towards my family, as the children keep growing closer to adulthood. We continuously enter new and uncharted territory. For example, Sammi is taking Driver's Ed, and soon will be hitting the road in a car (hopefully not hitting anything with the car!). Also, Sammi can date, and that is ummm... fun? The very dramatic changes just won't stop, and they all seem to be coming at me all at once.

The other night, I sat out under the stars, and I wondered what it would have been like had Charles not died, and he were here for all of these big changes in our lives. How would it be different? How would he handle the events and decisions I have had to make alone? How would he talk to Sammi about boys, and to Daniel about girls? How would he treat William as he continues to grow and ask so many questions? How hard would he laugh at the sound of Henry's contagious giggles?

Sometimes I wonder if I am doing right by him, and teaching the children what he would have them know. He is not here to question my methods, and parenting style. I do feel like I have been hardened, to some degree, with him not here. I felt like I was a softer mom when he was around, I had more room for squishiness and play, when I was not constantly fighting against loss and grief, and trying to take care of everything alone.

I try so hard to keep my head up as a mother for my children -- we have loads of fun and happy times -- but sometimes I just get so lonely for Charles. It can be all encompassing, and I will have to retreat to my room for some privacy and peace. I wish I could just chuck grief off of my shoulders and be done with it; but I think that would involve removing my heart and going numb.

Grief presses in on the heart making it feel heavy and weak. When someone dies, they are gone for an entire lifetime, and that is a heavy load to carry for those left behind. If the grief ever fully goes away for me, I will let you know. From everyone I have talked with, it ebbs and flows over a lifetime. Of course you can be happy and sad... at the same time? At least I know I have felt that way. I have cried tears of joy and pain in the very same moment. I believe the trick of grief is learning how to shoulder it with faith and hope, and most of all trust in Heavenly Father. But it does literally feel like my cross to bear in this lifetime, and so with the Lord's help, I find the courage to continue. And the more I turn to the Savior, and do his work, the more he comes to my aid, and lifts the cross with me.

Life was once so simple with just young children around, with Charles here at my side. The world was rose-colored, and I was happy in my non-widowhood naiveté. Oh, how I miss the simplicity of those times. Now I feel my children slipping away from me, and even though that is the whole point of parenthood, it does not make these transitions any less uncomfortable, and sometimes deeply emotional. For me, as each child prepares to leave the nest, I become one step closer to being truly alone. And that thought is daunting.

I love being a mother. I live for it. It is my purpose; greater than any other purpose. It is my great calling here on earth, and even though it is devastatingly brutal sometimes, there is nothing else I would rather be doing. I do not claim to be an expert mother, but I do claim to exquisitely love motherhood in all its magnificent glory. And my children... oh, I love them so much it aches!

As the clock keeps ticking, I will continue to stand with the courage that I want as the hallmark of my life.

When all my children are gone, and I am the very last one at my table; I will pull out all the empty chairs, and with open arms exclaim:

"Come to me, my beautiful grandchildren!"

And my table will be full once more.

P.S. Daniel singing this song gives me chills, I thought it was worth sharing again. And, of course, Sammi hiding under the blanket playing the piano is classic. I can't wait for them to sing together again soon!

Sammi Sunshine is Sweet Sixteen

My Sammi is 16! Eek! I just cannot believe it. She was born an absolute ray of sunshine in our lives, and she continues to be a bright ray of light. I am so grateful for her in my life. She is a beautiful young woman, and I am honored to be her mother. I could go on and on about her, but most of all I just want to say that I love her.

I love Sammi so much.

Here are just a few things about Sammi...

She LOVES music. She really loves playing the piano, she plays daily.

She loves to have fun. Here she is having the time of her life hanging off the Trolley in San Francisco with her daddy.

She once REALLY loved Harry Potter, she still loves it, but is not quite as obsessed now as she once was.

She is a HUGE fan of Studio C... here she is as a "Shoulder Angel."

Speaking of Studio C... :)

She finds joy in simple things.

She sees the beauty in the world around her.

She has handled great loss in her life with grace and faith.

She loves being outside.

She loves to play.

She LOVES to perform. And she especially loved performing as Rapunzel. It was a dream come true.

She loves children. She is always telling me how cute all the children are at church, and wherever we go.

She shines.

She LOVES her daddy. And he LOVES her.

She adores Disneyland and gets lost in the magic.

She once had a thing for Iron Man.

She loves singing in choir.

She is good with babies.

She is willing to go for it!

She has a smile as big as the sun.

She is my friend, and my example.

She can be nutty... especially when she is with Daniel.

She is ready for adventure!

She loves her friends and choir.

She is my sunshine, when skies are grey.

She's my running buddy.

She is a princess. She has always been a princess, and she will always be a princess.

I love you Sammi!

Simple Days

I will enjoy the simple days while they last. This upcoming school year should be pretty exciting, with 3 of my children in different schools, and Henry will be in half-day Kindergarten. I remember talking about this school year in the past, and wondering how it would go, and here it is... just weeks away from it being reality.

For now I will just soak in the rest of these hot summer days, and I will enjoy sleeping in as much as I can. Soon it will be back to schedules and homework. I will say, I do love the coolness of Autumn, so that will be something to look forward to. And I do love all of the fun that is school too, and holidays, and, well, life.

I love life.

On to the pictures...

I love Legos, don't you? If I had a dollar for every Lego I have stepped on, I could buy more Legos. (Legos are generally a Christmas item, they are pricey!)

A new shirt from Grandma and Grandpa.

Sunday morning with Henry. I like to listen to the Mormon Channel (Click HERE) while I get ready for church. There are some great podcasts on there. I enjoy listening to the, "Enduring it Well," episodes.

This girl is turning 16 in 2 days! Eek! How is that possible?

One thing about Goldendoodles is they are very social dogs... perhaps even clinging/needy dogs. Zoie will get in funny positions and peek in windows just to see what we are doing. She really, REALLY, likes to be with us, and very close to us. She will bury her head into me and try and get as smooshed next to me as possible.

My sister sent Sammi a birthday package. It is a dating survival kit.

The instructions that came with the package...

When we go for drives Sammi likes to stick her head out the window.

I love this soup... it is SO GOOD. I am hungry. I wish I had this soup.

Sammi working on a little something.

William loves to build Legos, he builds every single day, coming up with some new creation... this airplane was huge and awesome. He made it himself, no manual, just imagination.

A Sunday night walk with friends.

I got this for Sammi when we went to see Phantom.

Sammi likes to braid my hair sometimes. I love it... having my hair brushed/braided is the best.

Making some cookies.

Whenever I talk to my mom on the phone, Henry decides to do something crazy. He filled a toy dump truck up with dog food (you know, like boulders in the dump truck) and poured it all over the kitchen floor. Nice. Sometimes I talk to my mom for more than 2 hours, so he has plenty of time to be creative. (My parents are in Boston on a mission serving in the temple.)

Just enjoying being outside.

Sammi and I attempted to groom Zoie. She was seriously shaggy, and could not see, so we cleaned her up a bit. It is not perfect, but hey, I am not paying 100 dollars for the perfect dog cut.

She can see!

It was fun? Sort of? She seemed to enjoy it.

And then she got a bath.

Ready to get dirty.

Speaking of dirty... Sammi enjoyed playing "messy twister" at her choir party.

Zoie is not the only one who needs a bit of grooming... it is always a struggle for me to want to cut William's hair, because it is so glorious as it grows out.

Just one of the many ways I find Sammi reading.

Sometimes it is just nap time.

Another creation.

Goldendoodles are good with young kids they said... Ha! I have one complaint about Zoie, and that is how she goes after Henry. I totally get why, and I intervene, and never let them alone, but it still drives me NUTS. (I am sure Goldendoodle adult dogs are good with young kids... I hope?) I do have Henry participate in training with her, but when he runs, it is simply irresistible to Zoie, and she is still learning to keep her mouth off while playing. They are a work in progress. May I have the patience required for the job!

She does really well with the rest of us though. She does get overly excited with everyone, and is very jumpy, but most of us are not right at her level like Henry is. We were out for a walk the other day and we ran into another full-size Goldendoodle who was a little over a year (Zoie is 7 months). The doodle ran straight towards Zoie and started jumping on her like crazy, with hyper energy. The owner discussed the Doodle personality and described her dog as very energetic and overly social. Clearly that was true. The dog ripped the leash right out of the owner's hand, and was too strong for her to hold on. Zoie seemed small by comparison, but she will get that big too one day. Yikes! The best thing I find to do for that energy is have her run, run, RUN! Even if just playing ball in the backyard many times a day. And the more I take her out for walks/runs the better behaved she gets while out there.

Just a late night store run. I actually often enjoy shopping at night when it is calm and peaceful at the store. It helps me take my time and think more clearly, rather than rushing around at the busy times (I do that too, but prefer the peace.)