A Widow's View on Motherhood

Motherhood is under attack. The very hands that raise the generations are being slapped, again and again. Mothers are bombarded with constant messages that devalue their sacred work. The angels who hold the most distinguished title that there is on this earth, need a pat on the back for their glorious and eternal work.

Mothers are simply marvelous.

"The homemaker has the ultimate career. All other careers exist for one purpose only, and that is to support the ultimate career." - C.S. Lewis

I believe in motherhood. I believe that motherhood is the ultimate career. I believe that families should do whatever they can to make it possible for the mother to be in the home, with the children. I readily recognize that this is not always possible -- but so often it could be, with a little bit of sacrifice and effort. Despite what some might say, it is worth the sacrifice. If all mothers in the world purposefully left the home and their children for material pursuits, the world would quickly disintegrate into a very terrifying place of darkness.

That's a promise.

I will admit that staying home with my children was not as important to me, as it has become. I had some tough decisions to make right before I gave birth to my first child. But with encouragement from my husband, and after much soul-searching and prayer -- I knew that I must stay home with my sweet babies. I was willing to do whatever it took to help support and provide for our family, and we were blessed with opportunities for me to do that, including managing the apartment building we lived in.

We made the choice for me to be at home, and the way was provided for us. Not an easy way, or a golden-paved road to glory way -- but there was a path, a challenging path, and we followed it.

Charles and I have made sacrifices -- large and small -- so that I could be home with the children. We have certainly done without many frivolities over the years -- including a time while in college, where we went without a car in Alaska. Charles always worked hard to provide monetarily for the family, while I have worked hard to provide for our family's peace and well-being. It has not been easy. But we have never, ever, regretted it.

As a widow, I still do not regret it. And I never will.

Motherhood is hard work! Staying home with your children can be physically and emotionally taxing. Show me a career that isn't. When you commit your life to the care of another person, you are expanding the capacity of love in your heart -- and that expanding process can be painful! Sometimes you sacrifice your own worldly pursuits and pleasures, to raise your children with love and a sense of security. Just remember you cannot take your worldly possessions with you when you die. I suppose you could stick them in your casket, per your request... though I doubt you'll care much then. However, your children can be yours forever. 

Which treasures will you pursue? 

I say all of this now, as the head of my household. It has been required of me to take on both roles in my home -- I now provide and nurture. The responsibility which ideally requires two -- a mother and a father -- is now placed solely upon my shoulders. It is a good thing I have broad shoulders. The way has been prepared for me to do both -- provide and nurture -- and I have been blessed. I find myself able to rise to the occasion, with Heavenly help, and I am very grateful.

I know how to be frugal. I eat frugal for second breakfast.

I believe in motherhood now, more than ever before. I believe that -- if it is possible -- you should make every effort to be home with your children. And I mean EVERY effort. Live small, live tight, live however you have to. The sacrifice is worth the blessings.

Before having my first child, I would consider myself kind of wishy-washy on the subject of mothers in the home. But now, I believe in it with all that I am. I know, my dear friends, that it is not always a possibility, I know it. But if it is... please, please, please, do what it takes to make it possible. And may Heaven bless you. If it is not possible to stay home with your children -- especially you dear single mothers -- than Heaven bless you doubly. Do your best, and it will be good enough!

Not all situations are ideal -- mine is certainly not -- but I still believe in the ideal. I will still preach the ideal. I may not have the "perfect family" situation, but I still believe in it!

I believe in it, because I have lived it, and I love it.

Mothers, your children need you at home. You are amazing. You are wonderful. You are the boss!

Don't let anyone tell you that there is something more important than the ultimate career.

Without mothers the world would be utterly wasted and empty.

Stand tall, Mothers. Darkness is gathered against you to defeat you.

You must not break, or give-up.

God needs YOU now.


P.S. I believe in Fatherhood too.

How to Help a New Widow

My life flashed before my eyes. It was my husband who was dying on the hospital bed in front of me, but it was my life that would be forever changed, because I was the one being left behind. He was being set free from pain and anguish, while I was made captive to the flesh -- separated from my love through a thin yet solid veil of mortality, that I could not reach through. He left me. He promised he would never leave me to walk the earth alone, but he drifted from my mortal side, into another more beautiful sphere. 

He went where I could not follow. At least not yet. 

Images flashed through my mind. The past and the future merged into this one crucial earth-shattering moment of time. This moment of time when everything stopped. When the world ceased to turn -- at least my world. 

As I stared at his lifeless body, I felt numb. It felt like someone had given me an epidural in my heart. I was there going through excruciating pain, and yet I could only feel pieces of the pain because of the numbness, and the fluctuating rushes of adrenaline.  

I was left in a fog. My brain was malfunctioning -- working too fast, and too slow. My heart was left in torment. It felt like I was experiencing a dream -- not reality. I kept repeating to the hospital staff, "This feels like a dream, it has to be a dream." Certainly this could not be happening to me -- not me -- this cannot be my life, this cannot be my story. These things happen to other people -- not me! 

One moment I was a wife, and the next moment I was a widow. 

It happened without my permission. It happened unexpectedly. It happened and I had to carry on... living. 

I was recently asked this question... 

Can you tell me things that were helpful that people said or did for you those first few days after it happened?  ("It" meaning after Charles died.) 

I want to answer this question, as best I can, only 6 months into being a widow. I may have more insight as more time passes. For all I know, some of the fog and numbness could still be lingering in my brain and heart... only time can tell. 

Here is my list of (some) ways you can help a new widow... 

1. Do not avoid her. She may likely need some space, but she does not want to be shunned, or left without love and attention. Reach out to her, however you can. Hug her, smile at her, be her friend. Understand if she is not up for visiting, but offer your love and your help. Let her know you care. She has suffered a great loss, but she is still who she always was. Talk with her as you always have, but perhaps a little more gently. Do not judge her if she begins to stare off into the distance as you chat... she has a lot on her mind. 

2. Send gifts, food, money. Receiving gifts, flowers, cards, gift cards, money, and anything can be a sweet relief from the pain for the widow, and especially for the children. All items of thoughtfulness are treasures that lift the heart and spirit. Just knowing that she and her family are thought of is a blessing and is encouraging. 

3. Bring food/send gifts beyond the 3 week mark. After three weeks the flowers begin to wilt, the meal deliveries slow down, and the visitors have to return to their lives and duties. Be the person that brings food/gifts a month, 5 months, or even a year later. I promise the widow is still suffering at this point, and any relief will be greatly appreciated. 

4. Offer to watch the children. There are so many details to be worked through in the beginning -- overwhelming and staggering details -- and the children should not be present for so many of the meetings, such as meeting with the funeral director. If the widow does not have family to help, offer to help with the children, so she can take care of business without worrying about the well-being of her babies. 

5. Talk about her husband. Don't avoid mentioning his name, or talking about what he used to do, or say. Knowing that others loved him too will make her happy. Talking about him often is a good thing, not a bad thing. Widows do not want to brush their spouses under the rug to avoid feeling, talking about them is healthy, healing, and often provides happiness. 

6. Do not ask her, "Are you OK?" There is something about this question that makes the strong heart crumble, when it does not want to. The question is slightly loaded, as if you can see that she is not OK, and that is why you asked the question. (At least let her believe she is faking it well.) It is OK to ask the normal daily social exchange of, "How are you?"  The difference in the two questions is slight -- but crucial to avoiding a nervous breakdown in a public area. If you ask, "Are you OK?" you might get more than you bargained for in response. If you ask, "How are you?" she can answer however she wants to, depending on her mood at the time. 

7. Do not say it was, "Just his time to go." This may, or may not, be true. Whether it is, or isn't, there is nothing comforting in this statement -- nothing at all. It is like saying, "It is just your time to be a widow." Truly, it is a statement with good intentions, but it likely brings a swirling of fire into the widow's soul. I would have thought, before now, that it would be comforting, but I promise you -- from firsthand experience -- it is not. Don't say it. 

8. Do not declare that he was needed for a more important work.  It is simply not true. There is nothing more important than for him to be the husband and father to his family -- absolutely nothing more important. Again, I would have thought this a comforting statement before, but it is so far from comforting. He is doing an important work because he died, but he did not die to do a more important work. There is a crucial difference. Trust me on this one. 

9. Send letters, stories, pictures, videos, experiences, and memories. If you have fond memories, or a reason to express gratitude for her husband then send a note her way. She loves to hear about the difference he has made in the lives of others -- no matter how big or how small. Pictures are priceless, and sharing happy memories are like a breath of fresh air. Those stories and memories can be preserved and shared with the children and grandchildren as they grow older. 

10. Pray for her, and how to help. I cannot even begin to list the countless ways that you can show your love and help. Watch her, and her family, and observe their needs, and see what can be done to ease their burdens. Every little thing adds up to being a force for good in helping the widow to feel loved and uplifted. Prayers are answered. Ask Heavenly Father what He would have you do to help. Listen for the still small voice to guide you, and you will know what to do. 

President Thomas S. Monson reminds us: 

'How many of us, however, remember his definition of religion? “Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world.” (James 1:27.)'

I never thought that I would ever join the ranks of widowhood so young, and with young children in my care. This was not supposed to be my story. But it is. I am trying to make the most of it. I have learned so much in such a short amount of time. I learn valuable spiritual lessons on a daily basis. My desire now is to simply share what I learn with others. 

I have had the blessings of Heaven showered down upon my family, in ways I never, ever, imagined. My faith in Jesus and his gospel has been strengthened, and my faith in mankind has been renewed. People are good. The news is filled with constant garbage and frightening things, declaring the evils of our day -- but I have seen the goodness of mankind. I have been on the receiving end of charity, and Christlike service and love -- from people near and far, from neighbors and strangers. People are good. Don't forget that. 

If you ever have a question you would like to ask me -- about being a widow, or other topics -- please feel free. Also feel free to share my blog with others via social media, or however you choose. You will notice I do not advertise anything on my blog, I do not make any money from it -- that is not its purpose. The only thing I hope to share is the Gospel of Jesus Christ. It is free, and it will set you free. 

To all those who have helped me as a new widow, I thank you, with everything that I am. If you have said some of the "do not" things to me on the list, do not go hide in shame -- I would have said the same things, guaranteed! My purpose in sharing was not to instill guilt, but rather just to help educate on the subject. I was as unknowing as the next person until just 6 months ago. I would have never sent myself out to go and comfort a widow, or someone suffering a great tragedy, because I would have been too scared to say the wrong things. I am not scared anymore. 

I wrote this post from the perspective of a widow, but I am assuming it is very similar for the widower. But I don't not know for sure, because I have never experienced life from that perspective. But reaching out in love is universal, regardless of what someone is suffering.

If you want to help the widow -- or anyone in need -- ask God what He would have you do, and then do it. 

He will help you help others. 

No act of kindness is ever wasted. 

No act of kindness is ever too small. 


*If you would like to share this post, click on one of the social media buttons below. 

A Widow's View on Women and the Priesthood

I have read over a few blog posts recently, on the topic of Women and the Priesthood. I wanted to add my own voice, and declare my position on the subject. I have wrestled with whether or not I should even write anything -- but my mind will not let the topic alone, so I better get my thoughts out… and let it be known where I stand. These are just my thoughts, and not a complete gospel discourse. For greater and more beautiful detail go: HERE.

My feelings on the topic of Women and the Priesthood are simple. I could end this post with one sentence, and it would be this…

Only men hold the Priesthood in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, because God said so!

The End. 

I am very tempted to leave it at that, because that is how my faith operates. My faith is not convoluted by doubt and confusion. I love the gospel of Jesus Christ. I love that there is a Prophet who leads and guides the Church, under the direction of the Savior. If the prophet says, "Jump!" I ask, "How high?"  I know that he will only ever declare the will of God, and I want to do what God would want me to do. I know that following the teachings of my Heavenly Father will lead me to the greatest joy and happiness. Whereas, fighting against God will lead to pain and misery -- I'm not really interested in experiencing self-inflicted misery, especially now. 

I am not a blind follower. I never have been. I have an inquisitive mind, which you may have noticed while reading my blog posts. I have studied, prayed, searched, pondered, and it has been made clear to me that the Gospel found in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is true. I have always believed it was true, but it took some effort to really KNOW it is true. And now, after walking through the fire of my faith, with the death of my husband, I declare to all the world it is true!!

Now, don't get me wrong, I have had questions -- of course I have had questions! Ask any member in my family, and they will tell you I am always asking questions about everything. But when it comes to the gospel, and the doctrine and teachings of the Church, I always ask my questions in a spirit of faith, and not in a spirit of doubt. The questions I ask are always in an effort to grow greater faith, to draw myself closer to my Heavenly Father -- and not distance myself from Him, through doubts.

I love my Heavenly Father, and my Savior, Jesus Christ. They have become my constant companions, more now, than ever before.

So, on that note, let's talk about The Priesthood for a moment. I am by no means an expert, but these are some of my thoughts and feelings…

I love that men have been chosen to hold the priesthood. I think it is wonderful -- absolutely marvelous. For me, there is no more beautiful sight than seeing a father blessing their newborn baby, or baptizing their children, or giving a father's blessing. It is a joy to watch the young men blessing and passing the sacrament each week. I think it is great that the Priesthood leaders of the church are men, and that they have been allowed that responsibility to serve God, in that noble capacity. There is something truly breathtaking when a righteous man is fulfilling their role as a priesthood holder, acting in the service of God. What a beautiful thing.

One of my last, and fondest memories, was watching Charles pass the sacrament, the Sunday before he passed away. I will never forget how he smiled at our family as he walked past us holding the bread and water. He loved passing the Sacrament -- it meant so much to him as a convert to the church. He never missed a Sunday, or a chance to take the sacrament, once he joined the church. He also loved participating in his priesthood duties. He served as President to the Elders Quorum, and to the Young Men, and he was often in charge of things -- but his favorite calling was serving in the nursery with the little kids. As his wife, I loved watching him perform the duties he was asked to perform -- it gave me great joy. It was so good for him to be able to administer to others, using the priesthood.

As a woman, I support men in their priesthood duties, 100%.

Before Charles died, I would do my best to encourage him to become the best man he could be -- including as a priesthood holder. I tried to build him up, not tear him down. I was not perfect at it, all the time -- but I did diligently try to help him see what a wonderful man that he was, and that he had unlimited potential. (He went from barely passing high school before joining the church, to becoming an Attorney with the gospel in his life.) I was often astonished at how he would respond to encouragement from me, rather than me offering complaints or criticisms to try and "change" him. (That never works, by the way!) He would often rise to the level of my praise, or fall to the level of my pestering. It is that whole self-fulfilling prophecy thing from Psychology 101.

Why do I bring this up?

Well, women, I think we could do a WAY better job at supporting the men in their roles as the holders of the Priesthood. They could use more encouragement, and uplifting words from us, helping them to rise and fulfill their very difficult and challenging role of administering service and ordinances to others. Just like the blessing of motherhood can also be a great challenge for women -- so it is for men, and the priesthood. It can be hard work! A little encouragement goes along way. If I were granted a do-over with Charles, I would send him out to fulfill his duties with a smooch, and hug, every time he left to serve.

Now I am the head of the household, and no longer have a Priesthood holder in the home.

This was never my desire. I loved having Charles around, and his influence on our family was a force for good -- so good, in fact, that his powerful influence still remains with us. I do miss having the priesthood in our home. It was such a blessing for us. Charles did a beautiful job offering father's blessings, giving blessings of comfort and healing, and all other services he was able to perform on behalf of our family. It was very meaningful for him to perform these services for our family, and he wrote about that in his journals. Being able to administer the priesthood for his family gave Charles great joy. He always loved being in the service of his God, and being an instrument in His hands.

Though I no longer have an in-home priesthood holder (until Daniel comes of age), I do have access to those who hold the priesthood at anytime, if I feel I need them for administering a blessing. (And I have!) I will also have to call upon a priesthood holder to baptize my 2 younger sons, when they turn 8. Charles would have done it, but he is gone. Do I wish, that as a woman, I could do it myself? No. Will it be a unique and special experience for whomever the priesthood holder is who steps-in for Charles? And for everyone else involved? Yes. 

The reality is, as a woman, I do not need the priesthood to access the powers of Heaven in my behalf, or on behalf of my family. There are some things I cannot do -- like Priesthood blessings -- but I have total access to my Heavenly Father, and His help -- 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. His prayer-line is open all day, and all night, as I have recently discovered. I have tested the power of the priesthood, by receiving many blessing throughout my life, and other sacred ordinances and experiences. I have also tested the power of a Mother's prayer -- and it is perhaps one of the most powerful forces in the world! I can testify to you that Heavenly Father hears and answers the cries and prayers of His daughters, just as clearly and powerfully as His sons -- no priesthood bestowal necessary.

There is something innately glorious about women -- something we, as women, just do not understand fully.

I think when the final curtain has fallen, and all the unanswered questions of this world are revealed in totality -- we will all stand amazed at Heavenly Father's love for his daughters, and His plan for us. All of the cries of inequality, fairness, and rights, will come to a screeching halt as the true glory of Womanhood is revealed to us, in complete fullness. If we could just catch a small glimpse into who we really are… even just for a moment… perhaps the clawing and scrapping would stop, and we as women would stand firm in the truth, we would put aside the pride in our hearts, and become the queens we are meant to be.

Kings and Queens have different responsibilities, but they are both royalty. Perhaps we can allow the Kings (Men) to do what they have been assigned to do, while we Queens (Women) do what we have been assigned to do? Yes? Yes. If we work together, we can get so much more accomplished. The goal is to build the Kingdom of God. Let's not forget that.

It is not about equal rights, it is about responsibility.

Women have been given certain responsibilities placed upon their shoulders. Motherhood stands of utmost importance, but there is so much more we are to do in the service of our God. So much more to do, in fact, that adding to our shoulders the duties of carrying the priesthood might just break our backs. I, for one, feel like I have plenty of service responsibilities to fulfill without adding more duties to my load. (I will forego the to-do list for lack of space, and time.) I am personally grateful for the division of labor and duties in the building up of the Kingdom of God! Women do not need to do everything! Thank goodness! 

I have never, ever, felt inferior to men in the church -- not ever. This is not to say that I have not run into men that were less than glorious -- I have met plenty of fallible characters along my journey, no doubt. But that is to be expected anywhere you go -- people are not perfect. I am not perfect. Are you?

As for being a woman in the Mormon church, I feel empowered -- not impaired. I currently teach the Gospel Doctrine class at Church to about 80 people. I am one of two teachers -- the other teacher used to be a Bishop. We teach as equals. Do I wish I were a Bishop, with all of the responsibilities, and duties that follow? NO WAY. Am I grateful for the wonderful men who take on such heavy burdens so beautifully? YES WAY!

Men have been called to fulfill certain roles in the Church, certain services and duties, and we should rejoice in that as women -- not fight against it. I am grateful for the inspired and divine way that the Church operates. I am grateful for the righteous men and women of the church, who do so much good in the world. I am happy to listen to the Prophet -- who is a man -- and follow his counsel. I am happy to listen to God -- who is a Man -- and follow His Counsel. Listening to the guidance and counsel of men is not a problem for me. Being served by men fulfilling their priesthood duties and capacities is not a problem for me. I think it is great and beautiful!

Don't fight against doctrine, it won't make you happy.

I do not understand why some women (and men) have a desire to fight against the doctrines of a religion they profess to love. It is, honestly, baffling to me. If you love the gospel, than live it. It is unfortunate that these women do not know who they truly are, as daughters of God. I think we only understand the very tip of the iceberg when it comes to the glory of women, and how much our Heavenly Father truly loves us, as His daughters.

God loves us, and requires our obedience -- not our defiance.

I know with the recent experiences that I have had, as a widow, having seen death, and pondering life after death -- I have a greater appreciation of my knowledge of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, His plan, and His teachings. I also have a greater knowledge of who I am as His daughter, and the relationship that I have with Him, as my loving Father.

I know, that at any moment, I could be taken back to Him who gave me life, and I will have to stand in front of Him, and give an account of all of my dealings here on Earth. We will all die and stand before our God -- you can pretend you won't, but you will. 

I hope to always be found standing for my Heavenly Father at all times, in all things, in all places.

For me, it is simple. The Priesthood is His power -- God's power -- and I will certainly never be found fighting to take a piece of it for myself, for my glory. Whatever God deems fit to grant me in the future, is up to Him, and I will accept what He offers me, without question of whether or not it is fair because I am a Queen, and not a King. He is my All-Knowing and All-Loving Father, and I trust Him, completely. 

The power to give or take away is in His Omnipotent Hands -- not in the weak and fleshy hands of mortals making demands for His power. You can scrape and claw for the things that you want from Him, but if He does not see fit to give it -- if it is not aligned with His will -- you better stop begging, or He might just get upset. I have been reading the Old Testament lately, and you don't want to make God angry. It never ends well.

Men hold the priesthood, with a sacred duty to use it for the blessing of all of the children of God -- simple, straightforward, to the point.

It is not about who has the right to hold the priesthood -- it is about who has the responsibility to hold the priesthood. God has declared that the responsibility of the priesthood is for men.

As for me, a woman, a widow, and the head of my household -- I stand with God on this issue.