My Mind at Night

I dream a lot. Now more than ever. My mind seems to be as active as I sleep, as it is when I am awake. I cannot always remember my dreams, but last night I had one that requires me to write it down. I feel very inclined to write it down...

I was with my children, and even my extended family. We were all gathered together. And then suddenly, without warning, a flood of water came and washed over all of us. My family and others were all swept away in the raging and violent Tsunami.

I could feel the water pressing against my body, and compromising my mental and physical capacity. I kept trying to figure out which way was up, and I kept looking around me to see where everyone else was -- but it was hard enough to just try and keep myself afloat, and not become completely immersed in the angry deluge.

I felt like I was drowning, all I could see was water everywhere.  

And then I saw it -- there was a large, solid, rope, and I knew I should grab on, and cling to it. So I did. I looked around to see if anyone else had been able to grab onto the rope, and I noticed a bunch of people had grabbed on, but many were struggling to hold on, and not let go. I have a vivid picture in my mind of people holding on, and then going under the water, and then popping up again gasping for breath, while others let go and were drowned.

I felt that I was safe and secure holding tightly to the rope, but I was very concerned for the safety of my family. For some reason I could not help them. They had to help themselves. They had to find and grab onto the rope. I could see some of their faces from a distance clinging to the rope and not letting go, while others were bobbing up and down with the force of the water. To let go of the rope was to be swept away in a torrent of whitewater. It seemed you could only save yourself by fiercely holding onto the rope.

Above the water -- on what seemed to be land -- were people doing all sorts of immoral things, participating in all manner of darkness and wickedness, freely and openly, for all to see. They were living it up, having a party, and laughing at those holding onto the rope. Those in the water -- including myself and my family -- were just clinging to the rope to survive.

This awful scene was etched in my mind, and then...

I woke-up.

And I knew that my dream was more than a dream.


P.S. I have been studying the words of Isaiah for my lesson on Sunday... perhaps that explains the symbolic dream. 

Charles' Dream and Destiny

Charles was a diligent journal writer. I have stacks of his thoughts and feelings that I can read through at anytime. It was really hard to read through them at first, but now they are wonderful, and such a blessing. As I read back through his journals, I find so much wisdom and insight that is priceless to me, and it will be priceless to our children. He continues to teach me, and guide me, with his wisdom that he left behind.

Let me just say it is so important to write down your life, your thoughts, your feelings… unless you want to be forgotten when you are gone?

I want my kids to know what I believe long after I am gone, and even while I am still here… so I take the time to write. (And it does take deliberate time, and effort!) But it is worth it! My kids read my blog all the time. And one day, when they are ready, I will hand over their daddy's journals, too.

Just carve out a little moment of your day and write! I am so grateful that my Charles -- an Attorney who ran his own business, a devote church member, and father of 4 -- still took the time to write in his journal! It means everything to me now!

So, using discretion, I will be sharing bits and pieces from his journal that I feel are of value to share, and that he would not mind me sharing. Sometimes I read his journals and it is just day-to-day stuff, and other times things jump out of the page and take my breath away.

Charles had some really interesting dreams that he documented, that I will be sharing over time.

This is one of those heart-stopping entries…

The Dream and Destiny 
Notice he had this dream 14 years ago… 

5/14/00

I had a strange dream last night. I had a dream that I was a teacher, and that all the kids -- all the bad kids that I hung out with when I was in High school -- they were my students. I awoke from my dream and it seemed like my life was being flashed before my eyes. I was overcome with the distinct impression that I knew that I was going to die. And I knew that I was going to die from lung cancer. This scared me very much. I thought of Mari and having to leave her. I began to wonder whether I was ready to die or not. I began to wonder whether or not I was ready to meet God. I began to think about what I would do to prepare myself. I would try and use my death to encourage people to repent and prepare themselves. Nothing sharpens your testimony like an approaching death. I am grateful that I was not filled with any selfish "why me" kind of feelings. I'm not sure why I had these impressions. Maybe it was only a call to repentance? Or maybe it was a warning that I need to put my house in order and begin to prepare myself for the life to come. 

-Charles 

To think he had these kind of impressions that long ago is astounding to me. I find it most interesting that he thought he would die of lung cancer, and he died of a blood clot in his lungs. I also find it interesting that he had the impression he was a teacher of the rebellious kids. Perhaps that is what he is doing now? He is teaching the rascals how to be good.

I know that is what he is doing.

I was not ready for Charles to die, but he was ready to meet his Heavenly Father, and Savior. His journals are filled with his testimony of the gospel, and his closeness with the Savior. My name appears in his journal here and there, but it is mostly filled with his love of God, and his testimony of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I will be sharing his testimony over time, here on my blog. It is just too beautiful not to share!

Dreams are powerful. Sometimes they mean nothing, and sometimes they mean everything. 

I think there is a lot to learn from Charles' impressions.

Would you be ready to meet God if you died today?

Just some food for thought... 

I Dreamed a Dream and it Came True

A few years ago, I had a dream. It was so profound, that I wrote it down on my blog to record it. I had the dream in June 2012, and here we are approaching June 2014 -- and now the dream strikes me to my core. Read through it, and I will explain the dream at the end...

 

 June 2012 Dream:  

I dream a lot. Sometimes my dreams are random and weird: Running from dinosaurs, flying like Superman over the mountains, driving the wrong way on a one-way street, standing in front of my high school locker and I can't remember the combination (that one happens repeatedly?). Anyway, I dream about the "usual" while my eyes are closed . . . and I think nothing of it, most of the time... 

 

But last night was different. It did not feel random. It felt REAL. So real that I thought I should write it down, so I can remember it. I feel like my inadequate words are too primitive to describe the vision/dream, because most of my dream was experienced through intense feelings -- that cannot be explained -- but I still want to record it, even in simple form. And though it is fairly personal, I feel prompted to share it, and so . . . I will. 

I was standing in a hospital room. I felt good and whole, not injured or broken. I was not sure why I was there. I was surrounded by medical equipment, and it all felt very familiar -- like it was a hospital I had been to before. I was there, but I was confused. And then the doctor came in. He asked me if I was ready for the procedure. I told him, "No, but let's do it anyway." Still not knowing what was going on, I followed him into the operating room -- which strongly resembled the room that Henry was recently in -- except it was not Henry who was being operated on, it was me. 

 

I was lying down on the hospital bed, plugged into medical equipment, and the doctor asked me to count to 10, so I obeyed. I made it to "4" and the next thing I knew . . . I was in another place. Another world. 

The first thing I noticed was that I felt amazing. I felt light and weightless, and extraordinarily graceful. I was dressed in white, and I was beautiful. I was glowing, radiant, and light seemed to illuminate from my skin. It was a me I had never seen before, and certainly a me I had never felt before. I was free. I was pure. I was angelic.

  

I looked around and saw that I was in the most beautiful garden. I was standing in the middle of a huge grassy area, but along the edge of the circle of grass were trees and flowers of every size and color. The sun was glowing through marshmallow-like clouds, the air temperature was perfect, and the floral smell was overwhelmingly intoxicating. 

  

I was so happy and so free, I began to dance. My flowing white dress was swooshing around me as I began twirling -- like Julie Andrews in the beginning of The Sound of Music. My hair was long and glorious and shimmering in the sunlight. I felt so free, so alive, so full of joy . . . a feeling beyond anything I have ever experienced in this life. 

 

My mind was not cluttered. I felt strangely calm, and peaceful. There were no distractions, or the feeling of being rushed. I was not worried, or scared, or tempted. I was just me -- without any imperfection. Me. A beautiful, angelic, glorious, perfect, version of me. The me I wish I could be. 

And then I realized, as I was spinning around freely . . . I was in Heaven. 

 

I saw it in my sleeping-mind, as clear as any vision I have seen in the wake of day. I felt what Heaven would feel like. I experienced myself being there. I saw who I would be, who I could be. I felt the freedom that exists in the world beyond. I felt more alive than I have ever felt. I felt like I was home. Like I had finally reached that place of, "I'll be happy when." I did not want to leave. I was so content. I was perfectly free.

And then . . . I woke-up. 

I felt heavy again. I could feel every ounce of my body pressing down on me -- like gravity was my enemy. All of my imperfections were still intact, and I was keenly aware of them. I was covered in milk that had leaked all over me in the night. I was having hot-and-cold chills, a sharp pain in my side, and Henry was begging me to feed him. My flowing-white dress was no where to be seen, and I certainly did not feel like dancing. (Curling-up in the fetal position sounds about right.)

I was back in reality and I felt it. My freedom was gone. Back to the earthly-grindstone for me. 

I was left to ponder the Heavenly vision I had just beheld. My mind was fuzzy in the deep of the night, but I knew my dream was more than a dream. I was allowed to see and feel Heaven, for a very short while. I knew before in theory, but now I know for certain -- there is a place so beautiful and miraculous to behold, that I did not want to come back. I know that this life, with all it's trials, sorrows, pain, and adversity, is just a very short time -- in the Eternal scheme of things -- it is a small stepping stone to freedom. True freedom. If we are true and faithful, there is a place that holds joy beyond anything that you, or I, have ever experienced. 

 

End of Dream.

 

The first time I reread this was a few days after Charles passed away. As I read through my dream, my heart began beating wildly. In my dream I was in a hospital room that resembled the one Henry was in, and in real life Charles died in that same hospital. In the dream the doctor asked me if I was ready, and I said, "No, but let's do it anyway." In real life, I said very similar words to the doctor who asked me if we should take Charles off of the machines, and allow him to be free to go to Jesus. In my dream it was very profound that it was not Henry (or Charles) being operated on -- it was me. I am the one being operated on. I am the one left behind, going through the "surgery of life."

 

After experiencing some time in the hospital room in my dream, I was allowed a vision of the Spirit World. I think it is very profound, since I witnessed death in real life, and the passing of life into the Spirit World/Heaven.  My words are far too primitive to describe what I saw and felt, I tried to, but words are inadequate. I knew the moment I woke-up that the dream was not a normal dream, it was something that would one day mean something to me. I remember telling Charles about the dream in great detail, and he told me to write it down. I am so glad I did.

 

As I consider this dream now, I find myself in awe. I have been prepared for this time. I did not know it, but I certainly have been prepared in many, many, ways.

 

Also, because of my intense work with Family History and Temple work, the veil to the Spirit World has already been made thin for me. Prior to experiencing death and passing onto the next world on such a personal level, I was very familiar with the experiences you can have, when working so closely to the other side. The experiences I have had, and the Family History work I have done, has truly been a healing balm that has taken the painful sting of death from me. My knowledge of the Spirit World, and the Plan of Salvation, is such that I can only cry for so long before the reality of the connection between the two worlds overcomes me, and causes my tears to cease.

 

I am so grateful I was allowed such a powerful dream/vision. I am so grateful to know where Charles is, and that I was allowed a glimpse into his current paradise a few years ago. I often find myself rather jealous of Charles' current living situation, as I have seen its glory and I know it is something to look forward to, in its proper time.

 

There are times during the day when I stop and pause for a moment and say, "Come on, Charles, where are you? Just show yourself to me!"  Sometimes tears fall in those moments, when I am desperate for a peek at him. But the reality is, I do not have to see him to know he is there. He could come and stand in front of me right now, and it would not make my knowledge any more clear and certain of his continued existence and close proximity. I do not have to see to believe. I do not have to see to know. And I do know he is there, just as I know God is there. Oh the things I have seen and felt... WOW!

 

Charles has not (yet) jumped across the veil of Worlds and shown himself to me in broad daylight. That would be nice... however, I have dreamed other dreams recently, and Charles was wearing his red plaid vacation shirt, he was happy, and he was still exactly the same beautiful boy he has always been. He told me he was really busy, but he would be with me when I needed him.

 

I dreamed a dream... and it came true.