Torn Between Three Worlds

Do you ever feel overwhelmed? I do. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed on a daily basis. With 4 children to manage on my own, and a million little "death details" to see to -- I can often feel the weight of my new responsibility, and that weight can feel a heavy load to bear.  Let's face it, life can be pretty darn stressful -- no matter who you are, and no matter what you are going through. It can be easy to arrive at the point of exhaustion and feeling emotionally drained and burdened. Life is hard. It was meant to be so. Happiness is on the other side of hard. Funny how that works!

For me, I can become overwhelmed because I now live in three different worlds. I am only one person trying to dwell in three places at once -- no wonder I often feel torn and stretched! I live in the physical world, the virtual world, and now a part of me is in the spirit world! My soul and body bounce from these three different worlds throughout the day. Each world demands my attention, my emotions, and my time. I am trying to find a balance for myself, since each world is worth my energy, to some degree. Obviously the physical world is of utmost importance right now -- and should win the battle -- if ever there is one between the other two worlds.

The physical world is where I run, play, eat, love, and LIVE. I do not know how long I have on this earth... no one knows. But I want to soak it all in, and enjoy its beauty and fullness while I still have my mortal husk -- no matter how "husky" it is! The physical world is a glorious place, full of marvelous things to do, and experience with a body. This is my one shot at this mortal existence. I think I should enjoy it fully. Yes? Yes. I mean enjoy it fully how God has intended -- with the spirit and body as one, working together to experience true wholesome joy. What a blessing the physical body is, what a gift to dwell on this spectacular earth that God has created for us to experience happiness and life. It is full of wonderful people to love and hug, and share life with. There is so much to do, and see, and accomplish. There are so many wonders to explore and precious fleshy moments to cherish. I know my family prefers it when I am 100% in the physical world. Living life and being truly alive.

The virtual world is the internet. I use it daily for everything from email, blogging, Facebook, studying the gospel, managing my home, checking the news, family history, and a variety of other things. This world takes me from the physical world, turns me into a blob on my chair, and I seem to experience everything with only my brain. I am doing that right now, actually. I barely feel my body as I sit here typing this. It is amazing how powerful the virtual world is. It is not all bad powerful -- when used correctly, it can be a very wonderful powerful! I love the internet and technology for many reasons, but it can be highly addictive, and so I have to be careful of how I use it. I try to use my "virtual time" for good, as we have been encouraged to do by our church leaders. I want to be apart of flooding the earth with the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and it is so much easier to do that when people can safely peek at the truth from behind their computer. I want to share the gospel however I can, and the internet is the very best way for me. I just know I am supposed to use it for that purpose. I have been told as much. And family history, of course... let's not forget that marvelous work and wonder!

The spirit world is a place I am only recently more familiar with, since Charles died. I had considered it before, and thought of those who have passed on -- especially with my love of family history. But now the love of my life is there, and so is a part of me. A huge part of me. That reality creates feelings in me that I never expected or imagined before. I can often be swept away in deep thought, and feeling, as I ponder the things of that sphere. I try to stay and feel close to Charles, but if I think about it too much, I can make myself crazy. If I dwell too much on that world -- a world I am not a part of yet -- I have a hard time living in the physical world, I end up feeling torn. I have to remind myself that I will have my chance to experience the spirit world firsthand for myself someday, but right now is my time to be here, in the physical world. And I need to make the most of my time while I have it. I should always have a place in my heart and mind for the spirit world -- how could I not? But like Dumbledore told Harry Potter, as he spent all his time in front of the mirror which showed him his deceased parents, "It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live, remember that." I know what that feels like. And I am trying to really live now, and not dream my life away. The physical world will pass all too quickly... it deserves to be enjoyed and appreciated.

When I do feel overwhelmed and torn, I know what to do. I pray, and I reach for the light! I reach for my Heavenly Father. This morning I had an important meeting -- a very physical world kind of meeting -- and before I got out of bed, I said out loud, "Please help me Heavenly Father! I cannot do this alone!" I took my morning deep breath, and I gave my troubles to God, before my feet touched the ground. I still have to go through the motions and face the challenges of life, but I am learning (still learning daily!) how to give the rest to Him who knows and sees all things. He knows what is best for me. He knows how to turn bad things into miracles. He knows how to heal, and how to fill a life with light. He is my Father, I am his daughter. He loves me. I try to shake all the other stuff off, and let that really sink into my soul.

I have felt and seen His miracles. As I balance my three worlds, I know that He will help me. My sorrow has been heavy, but joy has been equally distributed to my soul.

If you are feeling overwhelmed -- as so many seem to be lately -- go to Him. Let Him lift your burdens. I have heavy burdens, and He lifts mine daily. I have to let Him re-lift them each and everyday. Every. Single. Day. He has time for me, and for you. He is in control. Don't forget that.

Let Him be in control!

It sure takes a load off of your soul.

An Autumn Walk and Deep Thoughts

I took the boys out for a walk. I know that these beautiful evenings are limited before it freezes, so I just want to soak them all in! Dan and Will came and brought along their fishing poles, while I snapped some pictures. Sammi stayed home with Henry. He managed to climb up on the counter and grab handfuls of brownies, from the middle of the freshly made pan. (He is two, and he is good at it.) He keeps us all on our toes at all times. He has more life and spunk in him than his little body can contain. Whew! 

Life has taken on a busier pace with many activities and things to do. With 4 children that just kind of happens. Our children are spaced out in a weird way, so they are all going different directions. I had to laugh tonight when Daniel was playing his extremely loud baritone in the garage, Sammi was playing and singing her choir music, William was practicing spelling words with me, and Henry was coloring the hallway floor with blue marker. I actually giggled out loud and asked myself, "How did I get here?" I am a single mother of 4! My heart fluttered, but then I realized that somehow, someway -- I am up for the task. The words from a blessing I received when I was younger rang in my ears. I was blessed to, "have peace of mind, freedom from fear and worry, and the ability to carry heavy workloads." 

May God continue to grant me these blessings!

Speaking of fear and worry... I have so much on my mind lately. It just swirls with thoughts and feelings all the time, but that is nothing new. Now I just have something that more or less consumes my thoughts, and I cannot help turning my deep thoughts to the things of Heaven, and Heavenly Father's plan -- particularly His plan for me. (Because I am me, I think about me a lot.) 

Right now, the future seems so strange. I have no idea what is in store for me, and my family. I have no way of knowing. I guess none of us ever really knows what lies ahead. But my vision of the potential future has had to change so much. Everything is different in my world -- especially in my brain.

I often wonder two things:

1. When will Jesus come back and make everything better?
2. If He is going to be awhile, should I ever consider getting married again?

Sure, I know I have no control over either of these things. I suppose I have more control over the  second item than the first, but still... it seems so very far out of my hands. Everything seems out of my hands right now. If I knew Jesus was coming in the near future, you know, like a couple of years -- I wouldn't even think twice about finding another companion. But it could be 30 years... or 50... or who knows? That is a very long time to be alone, especially once my children are grown and gone. I cannot help but think about these things. I don't worry about them, but I do think about them, and wonder what is in store. It is impossible not to wonder! Let's just say that if there is a someone out there for me, it will have to be a someone so clear and obvious that the children will be the ones to know it is the right thing to do. As for me, I am still hoping that Jesus comes sooner than later. That way both question 1 & 2 will be answered.

I must say, with the way the world is going right now, those "signs of the times" are looking very much like scriptural prophecies. With my calling as a Gospel Doctrine teacher I have had to study the topic of the Second Coming of Jesus quite often. My next lesson is on that very thing, so my brain is freshly pondering the signs and events before His coming. (I am always thinking about it though, not in a weird way -- in a good and hopeful way!) Perhaps you have noticed the news is getting crazy? Like crazier than normal, maybe? The whole world seems to be in commotion. Men's hearts are failing them, that is for sure! I could write out the list of events of the last days, or you could just go and look at the news feed of the day. Crazy stuff is brewing... having your house and spiritual matters in order is a good thing. If you are prepared, you need not fear!

These last days are going to take some major courage. A personal relationship with the Savior is crucial to courage. I have been working on strengthening my relationship with Him lately. I have a desire to really draw closer to Him. My heart can grow weary and weak, and I need Him to carry me through. Losing the love of my life is no easy thing!

I know I have needed some serious courage lately. It is hard not to feel half crazy now. Life is so strange. The more time I have been parted from Charles, the more it feels normal, but also surreal. He was my whole world, and he is missing now. His body is in Idaho City, but his spirit is... well... somewhere on the Earth, living it up in the spirit world that I cannot see, but I can feel. 

If you have experienced the death of a loved one, perhaps you are familiar with this difficult surreal separation? I have had my faith tested in a new way -- a way I never could have imagined. It is not a test of faith in my Heavenly Father, or Jesus, or the gospel -- but it is a test of not seeing, and still believing. I have not seen Charles since he died, but I know he lives. I know it. If I saw him, it would not make me know more than I know now. I don't need to see him to know he is there... but if he ever feels like visually popping in to say, "Hello," I wouldn't mind. I miss his beautiful face. Thank goodness for lots of pictures, and video!

Faith is a powerful thing. Mine has been unexpectedly heaved into a new level. I have been exercising my faith, and it is getting even stronger.

So, now I am a mother and not a wife. I love being the mother to our children, but I miss being a wife, particularly his wife. I loved being married and having Charles as a companion to share all my joys and fears, laughter and tears with. It is hard not having a companion. There are a few things I miss more than anything... there are physical things, and also just being able to talk with him about everything. I miss just having him around. I miss being his wife, and I miss having a husband. I hate going to the doctor and having to explain why I am the only emergency contact number for my children. Being a single mother stinks. I mean, I can do it -- but it is lame. Marriage is a beautifully sacred and divine institution. I miss it.

I am, however, grateful that Heavenly Father blessed me with the ability to be alone and be whole. (I am not an overly social person.) I used to consider it a flaw in my personality, but now I consider it a blessing! I am grateful that I have things I love to do, and talents that I can improve and work on. It made Charles happy that I had many things I loved doing for fun and personal enjoyment. (Like running, singing, photography, etc.) I am so glad I have those things now -- it keeps me alive. Hobbies and talents are important. They give life sparkle and joy! People are good too -- I love people. But I can be by myself, and be OK. I have always been that way. Probably because I am always having a two-way conversation with myself, in my mind. "Gollum, gollum!" 

Well, I am babbling. This whole post was one long deep breath. Shoosh, I feel a little better now. This was not what I was planning on writing about at all. But that is the great thing about writing... it can be about whatever you want! I guess this is what I wanted it to be today? Yep. Guess so.

Anyway... walking around in the beautiful, fresh, Autumn air was wonderful. Being surrounded by magical color and light makes me feel very close to my Heavenly Father. And I need that now more than ever. He is my anchor in the storm. And I sense a storm is brewing... I can't put my finger on it... but something is coming.

Courage my friends. Have courage.

No matter what happens... look for the light, and you will find it.

He is always there.

Always. 


Enjoy the pictures. My favorite are the boys in the light of the sun... look to the light! 

Walking on Eggshells

Are you easily offended? I found this statement, and I love it!

Read it, and let it sink in really deep...

"When we believe or say we have been offended, we usually mean we feel insulted, mistreated, snubbed, or disrespected. And certainly clumsy, embarrassing, unprincipled, and mean-spirited things do occur in our interactions with other people that would allow us to take offense. However, it ultimately is impossible for another person to offend you or to offend me. Indeed, believing that another person offended us is fundamentally false. To be offended is a choice we make; it is not a condition inflicted or imposed upon us by someone or something else.

In the grand division of all of God’s creations, there are things to act and things to be acted upon (see 2 Nephi 2:13–14). As sons and daughters of our Heavenly Father, we have been blessed with the gift of moral agency, the capacity for independent action and choice. Endowed with agency, you and I are agents, and we primarily are to act and not just be acted upon. To believe that someone or something can make us feel offended, angry, hurt, or bitter diminishes our moral agency and transforms us into objects to be acted upon. As agents, however, you and I have the power to act and to choose how we will respond to an offensive or hurtful situation."

- Elder Bednar 

I want you to know that I am not easily offended. And, according to Elder Bednar, if I am offended, it is my choice to feel that way. Sure people can say some strange and thoughtless things to me about who-knows-what, but it is my choice how I respond. It is my choice to let words and actions bounce off my emotional forcefield, or penetrate and poison my internal core. My heart is so full of other emotions right now, there is hardly room for something as silly as being offended. 

Please never feel like you have to walk on eggshells around me -- especially now. It would drive me crazy if people felt like they had to tread carefully around me. I am still the same person I always have been, and just as eager to talk about whatever. I know I mentioned some things you should not say to a widow in this post HERE, but even though some of those things may have been said to me, I am certainly not upset about it! I would have likely said the same things just 6 months ago! My intent was simply to help inform from things I have learned, experienced, and felt, and I wanted to answer a question given to me by a friend. 

Even though I have some crazy, thick, skin, others who are suffering may be a little more fragile, and need more careful comfort. I personally stink at offering comfort. And I am as oblivious as the next person when it comes to saying or doing the right things to help. I should probably make a greater study of comforting others, so I can improve at it. Charles was naturally good at comforting, I am not. I have much to learn. 

I love people, and I am happy to talk about pretty much anything, as my close friends and family -- and even my blog readers -- know. I never want anyone to feel like they are being careful while talking to me, as to not offend, or say the wrong things. I am not that sensitive. However, everyone is very different in this regard, and some need a much more gentle approach. As for me, I am open to deep discussions, and I love to give unwanted advice about lots of things. 

I don't know why this thought about not being offended popped in my mind today? It just did, and I felt I should write about it. I am actually feeling super happy today, for some reason. I do know that something as simple as feeling offended can keep people from each other, and even from church, and that is a sad thing. Those bad feelings about others don't come from Heavenly Father. We certainly don't have to be best friends with everyone, but we should love everyone. Right? I know -- I really, really, know -- it is easier said than done! But I am pretty sure there is a commandment about loving others somewhere... like at the top of The List.  

I think we could probably all be a little more awesome at not being offended, don't you? Sure you won't agree with what everyone says and does, but remember... YOU have the power to choose your response, and you even have the power to control that festering fire of offense in your soul. Don't let it poison you. It hurts, bad. 

Life is too short to hold a grudge, or to keep you from loving others, or from going to church. You might say, "Well, one day I will fix this feeling in my heart." But that one day may never come, and it will be too late to fix it. I have seen some astonishing things that go along with death and regret... 

Don't wait. Forgive. Let it go. Have peace.  


So, I have two questions for you... and I KNOW you are reading this! :-) 

1. What has been the most comforting thing someone has done (or said) in your time of need? 

2. How do YOU avoid feeling offended by others?  


I know these are hard questions, but I really am curious... 

Good, Better, Best

I did not speak on Sunday. I was supposed to be speaking in another ward, but I had forgotten that it was on the same day as the Primary Program in our ward. This last week I struggled against myself as to what I should do. I kept trying to study the topic for my talk, and put some thoughts together, but nothing was coming to me -- not even an outline, or bullet points. I felt like because I had said I would speak, that I should do it, and not disappoint. 

But that was not the right answer. And I could feel it in my heart. 

As I tried to prepare my talk, I imagined myself saying to the congregation, "I just want you to know that I felt so strongly about speaking to you today that I am missing my children's Primary Program." Just as that thought crossed my mind, I knew that speaking and missing my children's once a year program was the wrong thing to do. Nothing is more important to me -- not even speaking, or teaching, or anything -- than my children. 

I said a quick prayer about what I should do. I wanted to speak, and I wanted to be there for my children. I was forced to choose between two good things. I needed to know which was the greater good. The best good. And with that in mind, I knew the answer without even thinking about it. I had to be there for my children! It was Daniel's last program, and he was giving a special talk. William had a part, and I did not want to miss it! 

As I prayed, I knew in an instant that I should ask my dad to speak for me, since my parents were coming to visit for the weekend. As soon as I had that thought, a peace came over me, and I knew it was right. Nothing was coming to me -- no inspiration for my talk was being sent from Heaven -- because I was not meant to speak that day. 

My parents walked in the door to my house, and I mentioned my dilemma to them about speaking and missing the children's program. Just as soon as I mentioned it my father said, "We will be happy to help you in any way we can." And then he offered to speak in my place. (Without me recommending it.) I did not want to burden him, since he only had one day to prepare, but I also knew that my father was more than up to the task, and that it was not a burden, but an opportunity for others to hear the wisdom and experiences my dad has had throughout his life. (My dad loves to speak and teach the gospel perhaps more than I do!) 

I knew that he could handle the last minute change and request without a problem. My parents travel around Alaska speaking all the time as part of their Temple calling. They have been on missions, and have had world and gospel experiences that are wonderful to learn from. 

I called the High Council member who had asked me to speak, and he was glad to have my father as a substitute. 

Sunday morning came, and my mother and I went to our ward with the children, and my father went to the other ward to speak. His chosen topic was, "Life and Death." The congregation got to hear of some of his experiences, and what he has learned from his perspective. He has a unique perspective as my father, but also because my parents spend almost every single day in the temple, from morning until night. I also think life and death is a great topic. One we should all study and think about probably more often than we do. I wish I could have been there to listen! 

I do not know exactly what he said -- he wrote nothing down -- so he just had to sum it up when we all got home. I am sure it was wonderful in real-life. 

My dad dedicating Charles' grave... 

The kids did a great job, and the program was wonderful. The only problem was Henry was going crazy and screaming at the top of his lungs because Daniel went up to the front and left him. Henry always sits with Daniel at church, and Daniel takes him out in the hallway -- like his daddy used to do -- if he is ever too loud or fussy. I had to watch the program from the hallway. But I could still hear and see everything. I was very proud of both of my boys. I know their daddy was proud, too.

Sometimes decisions are hard when you have to choose between two good things, but there is likely a "best" and right answer. And if you listen carefully, you will know in your gut which choice to make.

I am so glad I listened to the whisperings of the Spirit, and made the best choice!

I am so grateful a way was provided for things to work out so smoothly. I got to be there for my children, and my father got to be there for me. Both experiences were great, everyone was edified. All was well.

Things work out.

Closeness

Today is our Engagement Anniversary.  15 years ago, Charles asked me to marry him on top of a mountain in Denali, Alaska. I am so happy that I said, "Yes!"

On meaningful days, like today, I am caused to pause, feel, and think about Charles. There are many days now that I can go about my business, while keeping thoughts of Charles in my back pocket. But on a day like today, Charles is on the forefront of my mind, and on the surface of my heart. It is not a bad thing, it is a good thing.

I am not afraid to feel deeply. It actually makes me feel alive.

Being alive is good.

As days have gone on, and time has moved forward, my feelings have gone from a constant severe and intense pain, to a dull aching. 5 months ago, when it first happened, I would drive around in the car crying all the time, at every song. Now, I cry sometimes, during really meaningful songs. I still miss him more now than ever, but I also have come to realize -- life must go on. And that means me, too!

The strange thing is, the further I get from the pain of losing him, the closer I feel to Charles.

I feel him in my life more powerfully now, than I did right after he died. Before his presence was accompanied by extreme pain and agony, over the separation. Now, his presence in my life causes me to feel great joy, and a sense of peace, and the desire to move forward, appreciating each day I am granted on earth. I honestly think that when you die, you likely experience grieving too. I am sure Charles was just as shocked, and even saddened, by the physical separation. He obviously has the advantage of more knowledge, light, and information -- and I don't know how things work there -- but I do think he was allowed a bit of mourning "time" too. Perhaps that is why the feelings -- both ways -- were so intense and painful. But now, it feels like it is time for us both to get to work! We can keep crying, as long as we keep pulling our handcarts while we cry.

Sometimes, I want to put everything behind me, and move completely forward, without looking back. All the grief, pain, sorrow, scary events, decisions, and feelings… I want to leave them where they belong, in the past, and move forward. Dwelling on the dark moments and events will not help me to live my life now to the fullest. And it will not help me move forward into a bright future, either. Really bad things have happened to me, and it is refining me, but I do not have to let the things of the past define each day of my future. The future is in front of me… I need to look out the windshield, not drive forward looking in the rearview mirror. If I do that, I will crash.

I don't want to leave Charles behind me, no, actually he is always in front of me -- he is now the goal. He (and Jesus, of course!) are what I am working towards. I live for that day when I can be with him again! I can feel him encouraging me forward. That last thing he wants is to see me break and fall, and live in the past. He wants me to live now and be happy!

On days like today, however, some things are a little harder -- because I am human, and things still hurt. Obviously, the most challenging thing when someone dies is the physical separation, and missing the physical closeness. Charles and I were very hug/smoochy, close people. We managed to go our first three months of dating without kissing, because we wanted to establish a friendship before physical stuff -- but after that, once we started smooching, we never stopped!

I miss the kisses.

We actually never did anything big on our anniversaries, and rarely got each other gifts. For most of our marriage we were in school and living in poverty. Another portion of our marriage we were just starting out in the workforce and barely making it. And we only spent the last few years enjoying some of the fruits of our labors. Gifts, fancy dates, and flowers were a rare thing around our place. But what we would always do, is be together. We would always spend our anniversaries and other important days together, likely with a movie, snuggling on the couch. (I know, so romantic, and exciting!) But we just liked being close. Being close is cheap!

Charles and I had, and still have, a special closeness. Our closeness and love was sealed with God's approval, in His temple. There is something really powerful about being sealed to someone -- to be bound to each other forever. That power is just now starting to become more clear to me.

Charles and I now have a spiritual closeness, but I really do miss his physical presence. He was so beautiful to look at, and comforting to touch. I could go on, but I don't want to gross you out. I just miss having him around, and really just everything about him. He was so much a part of me.

I thought we would have more than 15 years together on earth. I was really looking forward to seeing Charles grow old, and be a grandpa. I imagine he would have been really attractive with white in his hair, and beard. Instead, I will be growing old and wrinkly, and he will never experience old age. It will be weird when I am old, dreaming of a 37 year old man. :-)

I miss your hugs, Charles. I miss your kisses. I miss the way you would look into my eyes…

So, tonight you will not find me watching a movie, curled-up on the couch with Charles, like we would normally do, on a day like today.

Tonight... I run.

Running is my new found way of  closeness with Charles… it is not quite as good as snuggling and smooching. But for now, it's all I got!

15 years with you was not enough, Charles… I am so grateful we have forever.

I hope you are ready to be attacked with smooches!

Thoughts on Eternity

Tonight was the youth temple trip. Since my new desire is to be in the temple as much as possible, I decided to go too. I have been doing as much work as I can for Charles' family line, and I had a bunch of information for people ready to have their work started. I was very excited to go with Sammi, to watch, and help a little too, while the youth performed baptisms on behalf of those who have passed on to the other side of the veil -- those who are Charles' new friends, and family associates. 

If you are not a member of the church, and you think this practice of baptism for the dead strange, it is not. It is one of the most beautiful things I have ever witnessed. Seeing a bunch of young men, and young women, dressed in white, being baptized for those who did not have the chance in this life, and helping others receive the necessary steps to exaltation -- it is the most wondrous sight to behold! 

Understanding temple work done by proxy is not complicated or strange… if you believe in the Atonement of Jesus Christ, you believe in salvation via proxy. When we do the work in the temple (such as baptism) we are helping in the work of salvation! Heavenly Father wants all of His children to have the chance to return to Him -- not just a handful who had the chance for baptism, and other ordinances, while they lived. 

So many amazing, wonderful, good people have died without being baptized, what happens to them? Don't they deserve the chance to be with Heavenly Father, too? 

YES! 

Baptism is simply necessary to return to the presence of our Father in Heaven, and we want everyone to have that chance. People still get to choose to accept or reject the work done on their behalf in the temples, but we must do the work they cannot do without their physical bodies, and we must give them the chance to receive it! It is all part of the amazing plan of salvation. Again, it is simply, and profoundly, beautiful. If you don't believe me, then find some missionaries, join The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, come to the temple, and find out for yourself. 

It was a wonderful evening with the youth, and their leaders. There were some very special moments, when the spirit was very strong. It is a unique experience taking names and doing the work for your own ancestors, and so it was very special for Sammi, and for me to be there with her. I loved it. 

When we walked out of the temple, there was a very strong wind blowing. I said, "Hey, it's Charles!" I had just been talking to one of the youth leaders about Charles' calling-card being the wind, and she said, "It is Charles, and some of his ancestors, too!" Right after she said that, I knew she was right! It was a powerful wind. A beautiful wind. It was awesome! So awesome. 

The wind is something you can feel, and not see -- kind of like the Spirit World -- but it is amazing how tangible the wind can be when it is strong. Even though you cannot see the wind, you can see its effect on the things it touches. There is just something about the wind… when it blows against my skin, it feels like a hug from Charles. And tonight, after the temple, I felt hugged by way more than just him! It definitely felt like a "group hug" from his family. 

Awesome. Awesome. Awesome! 

No, I am not crazy, I am just a girl who knows that the Spirit World is real, and it exists on this very earth -- all around us. I know it now more than ever before. My one love is there now, my sweetheart, my other-half, my everything. Those who have passed on -- the names of people we do the work for in the temple -- were once just as vibrant, loved, adored, and wonderful as Charles is to me now. They deserve to have the chance at eternal life and exaltation just as much as the rest of us! I intend to do my best to help give it to them! 

Those who love us, and are departed from us through death, are never far from us. The veil between the physical world, and the spiritual world, can be made pretty thin. There are miracles and precious spiritual moments all around us, if we would just open our spiritual eyes and see. Most people are just too busy to see miracles. 

I love the temple. It is amazing. My new life-plan is to mold my life around the temple, rather than squeezing the temple into my busy schedule. It is now a priority. I want to think about it first. I want to be excited about going, and going often. I mentioned in an earlier blog that "the answer is the temple." It is the answer! Going to the temple often, and regularly, is the answer!  I feel that deeply in my bones. Now, I feel an urgency to go and go often. The Lord is hastening His work, and I will be a part of it! 

I love the temple, it is everything. 

Sammi's thoughts on the temple: 

I love the temple. It is so beautiful, on the outside and the inside. Being able to do the work for those who have passed through the veil is so amazing and those people who are fortunate enough to have their work done can accept the gospel and be sealed to their families forever. One of the temple workers  said that one particular person had been waiting for their temple work to be done since about 1779. That is quite a long time!

When I am at the temple, I feel so peaceful and serene. Temples can be compared to a little slice of heaven. While there, I try hard to remember how I feel and think about the Savior and all of the blessings he has given me. I also think about the trials I have and the trials the Savior went through. The gospel astounds me and everything in it is so remarkable. To think of all the stories of people faithful to the Lord and the number of Latter-Day Saints now fills me with the spirit. 

The first time that I went to the temple, I went with my dad for the winter youth temple visit. Looking back, I am grateful that he came along with me. We had a great time and he was able to participate in some of the work. He was very happy there and I remember that he would always be happy when he came home from a date night at the temple with my mom. (They went on several). The temple gives me so much hope and stands as a beacon for me, and symbolizes the church for many others. I am very thankful to have been able to go to the temple. 

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is amazing. I am grateful for the ward I am in and for the people I get to visit with and the youth group that I am a part of. (I am also thankful for bishops that take us out to Dairy Queen. It was quite a sight to be seen.) I love the gospel, I love my family, I love great friends, I love adopted dad's, I love my ward, I love the world that I am a part of, and I love my heavenly father.

 -Sammi van Ormer 

This is Sammi's screen saver… 

The future is bright, my friends. The future is bright. 

This generation of youth has been made for these ever darkening times. As the world grows darker, their lights shine brighter. 

The other night, Sammi came and laid next to me in bed. We ended up chatting about deeply spiritual things. All the lights were out in my room, and I just listened to Sammi speak to me in the dark, and answer my gospel questions with such power and confidence. It seemed to be even more powerful having all other distraction removed, as we just listened to each others voices in the dark. 

At one point, I discussed my desire to see Charles with her, and she shared a story she had read, and said to me, "If you saw him, and where he is, you would want to leave this earth, and go be with him. But we need you here now." As I closed my eyes, adding another layer of black to the already darkened room, I had this strange feeling come over me. I felt that I needed to listen to her, because she knows things -- things I don't even understand. She is part of the new generation of God-fearing servants, and I need to pay attention to her words and her faith. She, along with others, have been prepared for this time -- specifically for this time, here on earth. 

I know I am her mother, but she is so often my teacher. I value her wisdom. 

I also had this profound feeling that this girl, my Sammi, is my daughter for a reason. She is meant to be with me through this experience of life. I need her. I am pretty sure we arranged our relationship long before we came to earth. We are both Charles' special girls, and we always will be! 

I need all of my children for different reasons. We van Ormers were meant to go through this sojourn of life together. Charles may be watching now from the other side of the wind, but he is still with us, and that is good enough for me, for now. It is not impossible for the veil to be parted, and for me to see him in this life, but it cannot happen on my time table. I am starting to realize that the more I demand miracles, the less likely they are to happen. But if I can just calm down, and be at peace, accepting that I am on God's time, and not my own -- it is amazing how often miracles occur when I least expect them. Expecting miracles, and demanding them, are very different things. 

Repeat after me: Trust in God's timing, not your own! 

Got it? Good! 

I love the miracle that is the temple! Because of the temple -- because Charles and I were sealed in the temple -- this van Ormer family will be together forever. Death does not hold sway over us! We will see Charles again. We will hold him again. He will wrap his arms around all of us, again. And then we have eternity! 

Hallelujah! 

I Wanna See You Be Brave

Sometimes life requires you to be brave. No one ever promised the journey would be easy -- just that it would be worth it! We are here on earth to see what we are made of -- strength, or weakness.

Which one do you choose?

Sure, we all have weaknesses, but they can be turned into strength, with God's help -- I have seen it.  

We just have to decide the answer to this question:

Am I strong? Or am I weak?

The funny thing about discovering your courage, moxie, or bravery, is that you must be faced with fear, insecurity, and weakness. You have to experience an opposing force, in order to see how you will rise, or fall, to an occasion.

One of my favorite quotes is:

"Courage is being scared to death… and saddling up anyway."  - John Wayne

My new life has been filled with moments where I have been allowed to test my strength, and fortitude, while facing some of my greatest fears. Actually, each day I wake-up and get out of bed is an accomplishment. For me it is being on the edge of sleep in either direction -- going to bed, or waking-up -- that tests the strength of my mind and spirit the most. It is when my brain is fuzzy, and tired -- that is when fear and sorrow creeps in. (The importance of proper sleep is another blog post entirely.) Let's just say I have to be very diligent about getting enough sleep… otherwise my weaknesses might win.

Yesterday, I was allowed to jump over a hurdle of fear, and test my strength.

I went back to the hospital where I left Charles' lifeless body.

It was time for Henry's kidney ultrasound. This was the appointment we were supposed to have on April 1st, the day that Charles died -- obviously, I had to reschedule.

The imaging center we went to was in the same hospital where Charles died. I knew I would have to enter the building through the same doors that I exited the hospital, the last time I saw Charles. I was not sure how I would feel -- emotions are really unpredictable. Especially when there are obvious things that can trigger them.

So, knowing that it might be difficult to enter those doors of death again, I decided to bring a ball of sunshine with me. I brought my Sammi. It was a stroke of inspiration to bring her -- having her with me turned my night into day. You see, some people have little black rain clouds that follow them, but Sammi is like being around the warmth and brightness of the sun. I just knew I needed her to be with me.

Sammi in front of the hospital doors.

Luckily, it was a beautiful morning -- a huge contrast to the last time I had been to the hospital. (April 1st was a miserable, grey, rainy day.) The beauty of the morning certainly helped keep my brain positive, and my heart happy.

As we were driving to the hospital, we had the windows rolled-down, enjoying the day, and then the song, "Brave" came on. I cranked-up the volume. The words, "I wanna see you be brave," filled my heart with courage.  It was a very timely song. I could not help but smile at the message sent just for me. When I was in Alaska, my sister played "Brave" for me, and she said it was my song.

At that moment, a feeling of, "I got this!" came over me.

We made our way to the hospital parking lot, parked the car, put Henry in the stroller, and made our way to the once dreaded hospital doors. But my heart was not failing me. I felt fine, good even -- Sammi was with me. I was brave.

We made it to the spinning door, into the lobby, and I was still fine. We went through the motions of going here and there, on the elevator, to the appointment, and all was well. Henry did a great job at the ultrasound -- other than a little crying -- but he was a champ. I was there to comfort Henry, Sammi was there to comfort me, and Heavenly Father was there to comfort all of us!

Henry waiting for his ultrasound.

After the appointment, we were waiting for an elevator, and some automatic doors opened-up into an area that looked a little too similar to the ER -- my heart skipped a beat for a moment -- but I talked through it with Sammi. We determined it was not the ER by looking at some signs on the wall. But it sure made my heart ache for a moment -- especially because someone was wheeling an empty stretcher around, and it caused some unpleasant images, and sad thoughts, to flash into my mind. Again, in this moment, Sammi made all the difference in the world. Had I been alone, it would have been awful. Because she was there, we easily talked our way through it. It needed to be Sammi, because she is as close to the situation as me. We are in this thing together!

We made our way out of the hospital, and we stopped for a picture by the front entrance.

I did it! We did it!

I faced my fear and lived! (Thanks to Sammi!) 

I got back on the horse after falling off. But only with some help! I knew that at some point, I would have to make peace with the hospital again. I also knew I should have someone with me to ease the pain, and I was right! I will likely frequent the building many times in the future -- I cannot let it conquer me each time. I also learned that sometimes even I need help, and emotional support. I am not meant to face everything alone. No one is! 

I do not believe in avoidance when it comes to doing hard things -- I could have scheduled the appointment somewhere else. For me, going back to places that are meaningful -- even places that are difficult -- can be empowering. I am not afraid of feeling. Sometimes feeling something is better than feeling numb! I know strange emotions will come, but that is not always a bad thing. With this particular place, I knew I would need a little extra support, because the hospital is a highly-charged emotional location, even without having lost someone there.

The hospital is a building full of death and despair, where my life was changed forever. But it is also a place of hope and healing for the future. It is also a place of life and joy, it is the place where Charles and I brought Henry into the world, together. I felt all of the emotions connected to the place, but I could also feel a protective barrier around my heart.

The thing is, I live in the same house where Charles first fell to the floor, when he cried out, "I can't breathe!" I sit in the same place on the couch where he sat with his eyes uncontrollably twitching. I run the same trail that we walked together, the night before he died. I sleep in our same bed. I wear his clothes. I read his journals. And I use his razor to shave my armpits. (He doesn't seem to mind so much now.) 

I cannot avoid life and memories. They are everywhere. There is no where to run and hide. All I can do is have the courage to take life one day at a time, and face my fears daily -- choosing courage.

Choose to be brave. It is better than choosing to be weak.

God wants to see you be brave!

Me and Henry, standing in front of the hospital where Charles died. 

P.S. Henry has his follow-up appointment with the doctor, to determine where we go from here. I don't know anything new, yet.

Memory Lane Miracles

While we were in Alaska, we stopped at the house I grew-up in. (I wrote all about the house on Loganberry, HERE.) I was excited just to drive by it, see how it looked, and how it felt around my old stomping grounds. My parents were with me, and my boys. Sammi had hurt her ankle, and opted to stay behind. 

As we drove up to the house, we could see that the yard was overgrown, and the house looked empty. We drove just a little bit past the house, and at that moment, one of the neighbors walked out of her home. We debated if we should talk to her about the house. She looked friendly, so we decided to ask what she knew. 

The lady was very friendly, and as we were talking, we let her know we had lived in that house for more than 20 years. She said the house was empty, and being prepared to rent. Then she smiled at us and said, "I'm a realtor, do you want to go in?" From the backseat of the van I eagerly exclaimed, "YES!" 

So, we drove into the driveway, and made our way to the front door. The friendly realtor-lady used her special key on her phone, and we walked into the house. 

Everything was different. The colors, the flooring, and especially the smell. It smelled nasty, rather than enchanting like when we lived there. It was also strange to see the house empty -- it was always so full of life and activity. As I walked around each room, I was overwhelmed with feelings stirred-up by the house that built me. It was like a dream -- very surreal to be there -- walking down a powerful memory lane. 

The kids were super-excited to walk through the Loganberry house. It is a large home, with lots of levels, and twists and turns. Charles talked about the house all the time, and described it as the most magical place on earth -- he LOVED this house. The time we spent together in that house was wonderful. We did a lot of our dating (and smooching!) in this house. 

At one point, I walked into the basement, and I had to keep it together. It was the room where Charles and I had our first kiss, while watching Jurassic Park. (Long story!) So many memories and emotions were tied to the house. Each room had seen so much life, and love, and joy. Sure there was some sadness and pain, too -- but that is not what was coming to my mind. Most of my memories revolved around Christmas somehow. My mom really made Christmas magic. My mom really makes everything magic! 

While we were there, I knew Charles was with me. I felt him very close. I ached that he was not having this experience with me physically -- he would have used his body to jump for joy at a chance to go inside the house. But he was there, with me. It was not the same, but it was still something special. I could feel his love and gratitude for the time we had together there. I could feel his love for me. 

Life is made up of memories. Today will be a memory tomorrow. Life will be a memory when you die. This house held 19 years worth of life-memories for me. It was quite overwhelming to be there. What a blessing, what a gift to have that opportunity. I was excited just to drive by it -- going inside was a dream!

Now tell me, do you think the next door neighbor realtor -- with a key -- just happened to be there, at the perfect moment? One moment sooner, or later, and we would have missed her completely! Coincidence? I think not! 

Tender Mercies. Tender Miracles!  I have seen a few. 

On the same journey to the house, we decided to drive by U.A.A. (the college in Alaska), where Charles and I met. We drove past the business building -- the building where we met while in a religion Institute class (Teachings of the Living Prophets), on the third floor. The class was taught by a Brother VanOrden, and I originally thought Charles was his son. (That is what happens having a "Van" as part of your last name. People catch the "Van" part… the rest is always too complicated -- "Van what?") The story of our meeting I have written somewhere on the blog.

To think, without making the choice to take the class, Sammi, Daniel, William, and Henry, would not be here! And I would not be bound to Charles for eternity. Life is amazing when you stop and consider it, you know? It is all pretty miraculous. Meeting people and falling in love, because of "chance" meetings, and small decisions -- wow. It is awesome. God has His hand in all things. That is clear to me.

And, to top it off, there was a rainbow around the sun -- right over the spot where we met. Someone is aware of me, watching over me.

Make happy memories. When it is all said and done, they are everything! When my emotions get the best of me, I find that looking through pictures, stories, journals, blog posts -- memories -- gives me a sense of great joy and happiness.

Make it a good life.

Go make some happy memories!

Our Bunk Bed: Training For My Future

Charles and I slept in a bunk bed for about 6 months. When we first moved back into our little house -- over a year ago -- we got a sturdy bunk bed to sleep in, so we could fit our family of 6 in our 2 bedroom house. Sure, it was not an ideal set-up, but we were willing to do whatever it took. We have always been willing to do what it takes throughout our life together. (There is a huge, long, backstory to moving in-and-out of our little house, but I am too tired to share, and it is not the point of this blog post.) 

For 6 months, Charles slept on the top bunk, and I slept on the bottom. I can recall some nights I would fall asleep crying, wondering how this had become our story after 14 years of marriage, and diligent hard work. Bunk beds? Really? I mean, really? Charles was a successful attorney, after all. And yet, there we were, sleeping separately, in bunk beds. The thing is, the bunk beds had been a stroke of inspiration while trying to make a huge decision. It was one of those moments when the answer was made very clear, and bunk beds were part of that answer. (Another long story…) 

As I slept alone on the bottom bunk, I would often feel this deep aching in my heart. As I slept alone, I considered the many women (and men) who sleep alone every night. Some nights my emotions were so powerful they would overcome me, and I would sob. (I have never been much of a crier, until recently -- now I cry at least once a day.) As my days sleeping on the bottom bunk went on, the empathy grew in my heart for those who live and sleep alone. My heart burned for those who deal with the world alone -- with the load placed squarely on their own shoulders -- without someone to share the burden with. 

The separation between the top and button bunk was enough that it made me ache from sadness, but it also made me understand. Little did I know then, I was being prepared for the very near future. Our silly, laughable, bunk bed excursion, does not seem so silly to me now. It was all part of the preparation. As I think on it now, I stand amazed. 

God knows ALL. 

To make it through the bunk bed days, I filled the slats above my bed with inspirational quotes. I would read them every night, and let the messages seep into my soul.  They are now etched on my heart. Again, little did I know how profound my quotes would become for me…. let's read through some of them, shall we? 

My Collection of Bunk Bed Slat Quotes: 

"To Love Another Person is to See the Face of God." - Les Mis

"It is not the strength of body that counts, but the strength of spirit." - J.R.R. Tolkien

"Keep Moving Forward." - Walt Disney

"All we have to do is decide what to do with the time that is given us." J.R.R. Tolkien 

"To die is nothing, but it is terrible not to live." - Victor Hugo

"Are you afraid of the good you will do?"

"Be Still my Soul."

"No Fears, No Regrets."

"If you dare to dream it, work to achieve it."

"It is kind of fun to do the impossible." -Disney

"Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face." - Victor Hugo

"Do or do not, there is no try." - Yoda

"Follow the Light Unflinchingly." J.R.R. Tolkien 

"There is nothing like a dream to create the future."- Victor Hugo

"People may forget what you say or do, but they won't forget how you make them feel."-Maya Angelou

"Don't be afraid to give up the good for the great." -Rockefellar

"Faith in God includes faith in his timing." - Neal A. Maxwell

"Your future is as bright as your faith." -Thomas S. Monson

"There is a Castle on a Cloud." Les Mis

"There is some good in this world and it is worth fighting for!" J.R.R. Tolkien

"Darkness must pass, a new day will come, and when the sun shines, it will shine all the clearer!" J.R.R Tolkien

"Not being heard is no reason for silence." -Victor Hugo

"Forget yourself and go to work." -Bryant Hinckley

"Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens." J.R.R. Tolkien

"Happiness wishes everybody happy."- Victor Hugo

"You are never too old to be young." - Disney

"Not all who wander are lost. " J.R.R. Tolkien

"To be, or not to be?" Shakespeare

"If you want to be happy, be." -Tolstoy 

"It is better to fight for something than live for nothing." -Patton

"Even the smallest person can change the course of the future." J.R.R. Tolkien

"Another story must begin." Les Mis

"Steadfast, Immovable" -Jesus

"Believe!" -Jesus 

"Life is to be enjoyed, not endured. " - Hinckley

"Things will work out. " - Hinckley

"If you think you can, or think you can't -- you're right."

"Look down, and show some mercy if you can. Look down, look down, upon your fellow man." - Les Mis

"Try a little harder to be a little better." - Hinckley

"God on High, Hear my Prayer." Les Mis

"Be strong and of good courage."

"Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it is thinking of yourself less."  - C.S. Lewis

"Love one Another." - God

"This is the best day ever!" Rapunzel

"Your silence gives consent." - Plato

"They do not love that do not show their love." - Shakespeare

"The more you like yourself, the less you are like anyone else -- which makes you unique." - Walt Disney

"Like everybody else, I've got a dream." - Rapunzel

"Where words fail, music speaks." - Hans Christian Anderson

This is my FAVORITE quote… 

"Living by faith includes the call to something greater than cowardly self-preservation. " J.R.R. Tolkien

I did not know then -- sleeping in a bunk bed -- that I was being prepared for the future. We did have a few months in a regular queen-size bed sleeping side-by-side, before Charles passed away -- I am grateful for that! But the bunk bed was part of a larger plan… one that I could not even fathom at the time. I was being prepared… for now. 

The reality is, our lives may sometimes seem like a bunch of random pieces, that don't make any sense -- it can even seem like chaos. There are times when we just cannot see the whole picture, or the whole plan for our lives -- but God can! 

I do not know what my future holds now -- no one ever really knows what tomorrow will bring -- but I do know that God knows. 

So, my plan is to find out what God wants me to do with my life… and then I intend to do it! 

Oh, and notice how big "Keep Moving Forward" is on one of the slats that was right above my head… yep, that is what I intend to do! 

Forward!