I Married My Best Friend

I believe in love. I always have. I always will. I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father for allowing me to find love again! On Tuesday, I was able to marry my best friend, David. He has brought new life into my world, and new hope for the future. When I look into his beautiful blue eyes, my heart melts, and I feel like I have known him forever. 

We have spent so much time with each other over the last 8 months, it was as if a force greater than ourselves was pushing us to be together. I had my fears and doubts about getting married again, but my concerns were often washed away with the peace I felt when I was him. He has been carefully prepared for me through his experiences, and his patience and understanding with very hard things, has been amazing. 

One of the greatest lessons he has taught me, is how to keep an open and pliable heart. He can see when I start to close my heart to heavy and strong emotions, and he can call me out on it, and bring me back to an open squishy-heart place again. An open squishy heart is far more pleasant than a hard and closed-off one. I find it fascinating that he spent so much time studying topics over the last few years, that have been just the lessons I have needed to learn in my life. David has blown my heart wide open with his wisdom and his love! 

The journey ahead of us will be uniquely challenging, I am sure. We are both walking a path neither one of us expected to travel. My heart sometimes dances with trepidation if I think too much about life and the little details that I do not have any control over. But as I step back and realize that life is to be enjoyed, not controlled, I can find peace in my heart again, and allow God to guide the way. 

I know that God will be with us every step of the way. Our Heavenly Father wants us to succeed, and He wants us to be happy in this life. We will look to Him as the foundation of our marriage and family, as we face the joys and trials of this life, together. One of the things David and I have in common is that we really love the temple, and we spent a lot of our time there when dating, and we will continue to make it a priority in our lives. 

We were married at a beautiful park, surrounded by God's creations. My parents were there, and David's parents were there. (And Sammi was there, too.) We wanted so badly to be married in the temple, but that option was not available to us at this time. That was hard for me, but I have faith in God's plan and His timing. We kept the wedding sweet and simple, and we tried to make it as sacred an experience as possible. The birds were singing, and the light was magical. We made covenants with each other, and with God. It was so sweet to have our parents there to witness the moment, and Sammi was there too, because, well, that was as it should be. Sammi was like an angel standing by as a witness, a special witness, with tears filling her angelic eyes. 

During one of our very first phone conversations, I asked David how he would feel about not being sealed to me in the temple, because I am a widow, already sealed to Charles. David said to me, without hesitation, "I believe that God will work all those things out in the end, and that no blessings will be denied to the faithful." I knew in that moment that this guy was something special, and that his faith in that area was even stronger than my own. 

I once had someone say to me, "David knows he is just walking with you in this life until you get to be with Charles, right?" My response to that was, "No, he does not know that, and neither do I." I love David with all of my guts and glory, and I want to be with him forever. I do not know how it is possible to love someone as much as I love him now. I do not know how God will work things out in the eternities, but I do know that right now, I am deeply and completely in love with this beautiful man, named David. 

I also had a blessing recently from my Bishop where he said, "Charles is thrilled for me and David." That made my heart really happy, because I am totally thrilled for me and David, too! 

I am so blessed to have David in my life. I thank my Heavenly Father for sending him to me! 

He Feels Like Home to Me

We are getting married! David and I are going to embark on a wonderfully terrifying, and fantastically beautiful adventure together. We are both taking the leap of faith into the sacred union of marriage. We are choosing to believe in the power of love, for the second time around.

There is nothing easy about dating as a mid-single widow and a divorcee. (We have been dating for eight months.) Between the two of us, we have nine children. Our journey has been a very interesting one. We have purposefully taken our time to really get to know each other, because our love has an influence on so many others, besides just the two of us. We have done more than just fall in love, we have become the best of friends. I could not be more grateful for having such a wonderful friend and loving companion in my life.

Oh my goodness, I love David!

The journey has not been easy all of the time, but it has been really beautiful. We both bring with us dramatic life lessons that we have learned, from some very difficult experiences. My experiences have been dealing with death, and his have been dealing with divorce; but our journeys and life lessons seem to have been on a parallel, yet similar, path. We walked on different roads fraught with grief and heartache, but the roads were unknowingly leading us to each other. We feel as though David has learned lessons from his experiences so he would be prepared for me, and I have learned lessons from my experiences so I could be prepared for him. I have already learned powerful lessons from him, that I could not have learned any other way.

We have had challenging moments as we have dated, which is to be expected, in our circumstances. But even during the hard times, I would say to him, "If we ever break up, I am still going to call you, to talk to you about everything." I absolutely love talking to him, about everything.

Somewhere along the way, I realized that I need David in my life... forever. And lucky for me, he feels the same way.

I want to grow old with David!

So, how did we meet, you ask? Well, it is quite miraculous, and God certainly had His hand in the timing!

I was a member of a mid-singles Latter-Day Saint Facebook group. I never used it, and I never went to any of the activities. One night, I felt a very strong prompting to write a little post on the Facebook page. It was a small and still voice in my head that encouraged me to make an effort.

So, I sat down at my computer, and I posted a message asking if there were any activities coming up that were non-threatening. I mentioned I had made a commitment to attend one activity during the summer. I then added in the comments section that I was looking for an activity to go to, so I could find a guy to date, so that I could marry him. I decided, what the heck? Why not be really forward and honest about my intentions. David "liked" my intentions, with a Facebook thumbs up.

Moments later, I received a personal Facebook message from David, asking me on a date. I was not sure about him, but I noticed we had two friends in common, so I reached out to one of them, and asked her what she knew about him. She had worked with him for many years, and she gave him very high praise, encouraging me to go for it. So, I did.

The first time I talked to David on the phone, we talked for hours and hours. We connected immediately in a unique and special way. But it took me awhile to be brave enough to go out with him. We went on a few dates before I started warming up to him. I could not even really see him. On the first few dates, all I could see was that he was not Charles, and it was so hard to adjust to seeing him... I could not yet see David as himself. David was very patient with me in my awkward space of figuring things out.

Luckily, my vision was allowed to shift and change, and my eyes and heart slowly were opened to him, but it took some time. Trying to open my heart to love for a second time, was harder than I thought it would be.

I had read an article about how you should give everything at least three chances, to see if you can come to like it, or even love it. So, on our third date, I decided to be totally open to him in a way I had not yet been. I had been so closed off, but I was willing to try again... there was just something about him.

We met at the temple parking lot, and drove downtown to walk around. As we were walking, David offered his arm, and I took it. After awhile, he asked if he could hold my hand. I took his hand, and I noticed how strong his hands were. Electricity went flying through my body. I had not held hands with a man for almost five years! My heart begin to squirm with new and unexpected (wonderful!) feelings.

We ended up in an area downtown where there were stars projected on the ground. We sat closely under the stars and I said, "All we need is some music." David quickly pulled out his phone, and turned on Pandora. The song that came on was called "Stardust," by Nat King Cole. It was a magical moment for us, while sitting close under the projected stars.

It was a moment that really changed everything. 

We continued talking and texting each other, and on our next date, we went to a place in Meridian called the Village. It is a place with colorful water fountain shows, that dance to music. It was an insanely romantic location. It was so romantic, in fact, that we found ourselves sitting closely on an outdoor couch, debating whether or not we should give kissing a try. I did not plan to kiss him that night, and he did not plan on it either, but the chemistry between us in that moment was incredible. We were snuggled close together, but I was so nervous to even think about kissing again. I was worried I had forgotten how, because it had been so long!

As the colored water fountains magically danced around us, my desire to kiss David became all-consuming. I could no longer resist. We both leaned into each other, without hesitation. We gently connected our lips for the first time, and we have not stopped kissing since!

Truly, our relationship beginning just goes to show how it is by small and simple things, that great things are brought to pass. I could have completely ignored that prompting to write that very short and simple Facebook message that night. But I listened. I made the tiny little effort. And David made the small effort to just take a risk and reach out to me. Our simple efforts have made all the difference! And how grateful I am that Heavenly Father whispered in my ear that night, so that David could find me, and we can be in love together!

There is so much more to our story, but for now, here are some pictures of us loving each other.

This guy right here. He is my best friend. I love David so much. I am pretty sure he loves me too. ;)

 

Thank you to Sammi for taking our pictures!

David and I have a song. It is called, "Feels like Home." 

This song so beautifully describes how I feel about my David. He really does feel like home to me! I cannot wait to marry him! 

Feels like Home

Chantal Kreviazuk

Something in your eyes
Makes me want to lose myself
Makes me want to lose myself
In your arms
There's something in your voice
Makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts
The rest of my life
If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how long I've been so alone
If you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done

It feels like home to me
It feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where
I come from
It feels like home to me
It feels like home to me
Feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

A window breaks down a long dark street
And a siren wails in the night
But I'm alright 'cause I have you here with me
And I can almost see through the dark there is light

If you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch
If you knew how happy you are making me
I never thought that I'd love anyone so much

It feels like home to me
It feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where
I come from
It feels like home to me
It feels like home to me
Feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

He Knew He was Going to Die

Charles often wrote about dying, in his journals. It seemed to press upon his mind, in a way that causes me to believe he was aware that his life would be cut short. A few days ago, I found an old journal he wrote in, during our first year of marriage. I began to read the thoughts of his mind and heart. This is what he wrote, 14 years before he died...

5/14/00

I had a strange dream last night. I had a dream that I was a teacher, and that all the kids -- all the bad kids that I hung out with when I was in high school -- they were my students. 

I awoke from my dream, and it seemed like my life was flashing before my eyes. I was overcome with the distinct impression that I knew that I was going to die. And I knew that I was going to die of lung cancer. (Charles died of a pulmonary embolism, blood clot in his lungs). 

This scared me very much. 

I thought of Mari and having to leave her. I began to wonder whether I was ready to die, or not. I began to wonder whether or not I was ready to meet God. I began to think about what I would do to prepare myself. 

I would try and use my death to encourage people to repent and prepare themselves. Nothing sharpens your testimony like an approaching death. 

If I were to die, and Mari were to remarry, would she still be sealed to me? Would I still be able to obtain the Celestial Kingdom without her? My fear is that I would not. 

I am grateful that I was not filled with any selfish, "why me?" kind of feelings. I am not sure why I had these impressions. Maybe it was only a call to repentance. Or maybe it was a warning that I need to put my house in order, and begin to prepare myself for the life to come. 

- Charles 

My New Love Helped Unbury My First Love

It has been five years since Charles died. On this day, five years ago, I had to let go of my love, and allow him to return to Jesus. The day he died almost destroyed me. When Charles' physical heart flatlined, my emotional heart did, too. I felt a tangible fog of grief descend on my broken soul. That shroud of grief would become my companion for many years following his death. The sun would still shine through the fog, and I lived in the warmth of friends and family, but the pain of love and loss is a grief that can't be spoken; a pain that goes on, and on. 

Charles laid there white and breathless on the hospital bed, and I could not believe that he was really gone. But he was, really gone. We would no longer enjoy the sweet physical and emotional affection together that we cherished so much. His once vibrant body and soul was left lifeless and limp, and I was left a young widow, with four children to take care of. The agony that exists in that space leaves me without words to describe it. 

In that moment, my whole world -- my hopes, my dreams, my future -- became broken into devastating pieces. I was not prepared for the grief that was to come, and blanket the caverns of my soul. Grief can be such a burden to carry. The grief that follows death feels like wearing a backpack full of bricks, on your chest. It can be so heavy. So, very, heavy. 

In the years following his death, there were times when I felt so hopelessly alone. Jesus was always there, of course, but still, living without a companion can be very lonely. I could be surrounded by love and people, and I had the sweet assurances of the gospel, but I would still feel all alone. 

One thing I have learned, is there is a beautiful golden hue that exists in life when there is love -- romantic, intimate, deeply connected, passionate love -- between two people. That blissful and hopeful vision was taken from me after Charles died. That heavenly hue of love faded into a fleeting memory. And though the world would still sparkle and offer joy and happiness for me in different ways, it was very much missing something. I was missing the beautiful light of companionship and love. 

And then, about 8 months ago, I met David. 

Over these last many months, my eyes have been reopened to a new vision of what love is. My heart, and the shrouded caverns in it, have been opened in a way I never thought possible. 

I will share more about David in the future, but for now, I would like to share an experience that I had with him, my family, and Charles. Today seemed like an appropriate day to share this sweet story, to portray the beautiful tapestry that is created along the journey of life and love. 

A few weeks ago, we decided to take David up to Idaho City, to visit the cemetery where Charles is buried. We drove up to the location, and discovered that the cemetery was covered in deep snow. We could not even get to the main parking lot, and to get where we wanted to go, we would have to hike up a long hill. I decided we should go for it anyway, especially after driving all that way there. So, we all hiked through the ridiculously deep snow, periodically sinking thigh-high, just to get to Charles. As we went up the hill, we passed someone walking with snowshoes, they were certainly the smart ones! 

When we arrived at the location where Charles is buried, we found that his headstone was covered completely with snow. My children found the general location, and they started to dig around to find him. After a bit of time, they gave up, but David did not. He just kept digging and digging to fully uncover the headstone. As I watched him working hard to uncover Charles' resting place, I felt this surge of love for him that I could not even imagine was possible. I also stared on with wonder at how crazy my life and experiences have become. Watching my new love unburying my first love, was like something out of a Hallmark movie! I could not have imagined this scene, in my wildest dreams! 

 Here is Daniel working with David to dig up his dad.

After some real effort, and thanks to David, the headstone was coming into view.

 Look at this sweet guy working so hard to get to Charles. :)

 Hooray!

 We found him! Look at all of that crazy snow!

What a beautiful act of love I was able to witness on that special day! David is so respectful of Charles, and he is so understanding and comforting. One of my favorite things about him is how open he is talking about anything and everything with me. We have both been through hard things, and he seems to have been prepared for me with the life lessons he has learned. David is continuously serving and loving in ways that have blown my heart wide open. There have been moments throughout our dating where we just know that God is in the details. He has been such a blessing in my life, and I am so grateful for him and his love!

Sammi is our "shoulder angel." ;)

 The trek through the snow was worth it!

Charles, we will always love you, forever! You once promised me you would never let me walk the earth alone. I know you had your hand in bringing David to our family. Thank you for keeping your promise!

The world is ablaze with a golden hue once more. I thank Heaven for this wonderful man in my life!

I love you David!