The Resilience of Children

Children tend to heal faster than adults. It seems a superpower they possess. I am sure there are many physical reasons for this to be true. However, I believe what really helps them to bounce back quickly, is their ability to live for the moment; because they are small, and unaware of the future, they live for the now. If they feel good then they run, or jump, or dance. If they feel bad then they stop, rest and relax. Children seem to listen to their bodies a little better than grown-ups do; they also seem to have a natural zest for life. Perhaps if we grown-ups could infuse a little of that zest into our souls, we would heal faster too. 

Also, because children are young, they do not know that the pain they feel today might still hurt tomorrow. They take it as it comes, without knowing if they will be hurt or sick for days, weeks, or months -- they just don't know. Because they don't know what tomorrow will bring, they are more inclined to live for today. They do not worry as much as we adults do. We think we can predict the future, and what it might hold. But really, we are just as unaware as the little children are. We can worry our todays away with fear of the unknown; or we can live for the day, simply because we are alive today. 

Perhaps we adults can learn a little something from little children? 

Live for today!!! 

(Prepare for the future, obviously, but make this day count! Or what good is the future?) 

This was Henry right after his kidney surgery. It was so sad, and I was worried if he was ever going to be himself again. He was in so much pain, and in need of constant medical attention. He did not want to leave his bed, because he hurt so badly. He knew he should just stay down, and be still. But it only took a few days before he was up again, moving very slowly -- he was eager to move and play once he could. There was a play area with toys, and he really wanted to play with the trucks.  I would hold his hand as he would slowly waddle down the halls of the hospital. Henry never moves slowly, so it was a new experience for him, and me. He took one slow step at a time, he played for awhile with some trucks, but then he was ready to go back and rest again. His body needed to rest and heal, so he let it. But he still had the desire to play and be alive. 

 So sad. Poor little guy.

Fast forward about a week... 

This is Henry jumping on the trampoline with full gusto. After a week of rest and recovery, and some clogged internal plumbing issues (which are now working beautifully), he was up and running again, just like normal.  You would never know this little guy just had his insides operated on, with a large incision on his lower tummy. He has been a little jumping bean, full of life and fire. 

He is still silly...

 

And Happy... 

And full of spunk... 

And energy...

And smiles...

And laughing...

And cuteness...

 And he is Superman!

He is full of life and energy; however, Henry knows when he is through, and it's time to rest.

Even Superman needs to stop and suck his thumb sometimes...

Whether you are whole, or healing today -- live for it! 

Live like a child. Live for today!

Healing is Hard

Henry has had a rough week. He is healing really well, but not without pain and discomfort. Because of the surgery, he has had a hard time going to the bathroom (in his diaper). His plumbing is not quite working properly, and it has caused him to squat in a corner and scream in agony. He is on all the medicines, laxatives, etc., that he should take -- but it does not relieve all the pain. It is still hard work to heal. 

When he is not in such pain he seems fine. Most of the time he seems OK, but then he will just drop to his knees and shriek. Night time is the worst, as the pain seems to magnify when he is still, and not moving. We have not slept much over this last week. I am kind of in a time-warp. Everything other then tending to Henry's needs has been pushed aside. 

He has gone through about 100 diapers over the course of the week. He says over and over, "Henry's poopy! Henry's poopy!" He isn't, but everything feels all wrong for him down there. Poor thing. It is hard to get him to eat much besides popsicles. He moans, and mostly just wants to lay in bed and watch a movie. His surgery was a big deal. It is going to take time to heal. 

One night I was so tired, I prayed that God would allow the angels to attend him to take away his pain, and allow him to sleep, and be comforted. My prayers were not working. He was still in so much pain. And then I realized, maybe I should change my prayers. I realized I was not completely spent in energy, I was tired but still OK. I changed my prayers to, "Please help me to have the strength to be Henry's angel, to help comfort and heal him." After that prayer, I felt the strength I needed to tend to his needs -- which have been constant and many -- and somehow, even in the middle of the night, I have not felt totally exhausted. It has been a miracle. 

Sometimes we have to be the angels who comfort and heal. It is always appropriate to pray for the strength to be able to do what needs to be done. God will give you the strength. He will help you to know what to do, and give you the endurance to handle the challenge. If it does become too much for you to handle, that is when He will send in His reinforcements. Henry has only really let me help him, but my parents are here for me, to back me up. I have needed them. There have been moments when I have needed to be in two places at once, and I just couldn't. I am Henry's angel, and my mom and dad are mine. 

It has been a challenge, to be sure. But it has not been without some smiles, and happy moments too. We are all so excited when Henry does finally relieve himself, and when he has moments of peace and joy. He does not want to be kept down, he wants to be jumping on the couch and playing, but he just can't right now, and his body tells him so. He may jump a few times, but it does not last long before he has to retreat to his bed and rest. He knows he needs to take it easy. His body tells him so, and as a child, he will listen. 

This has made me think about the things I have been through in this last year. In the beginning, after Charles died, I was so broken. I did not want to be broken, or in pain, but I was. I fought against it with everything I had, but there were times I would fall to my knees and cry in agony. I was doing everything I could spiritually to heal like reading scriptures, praying, temple attendance, etc., but it took time to properly heal the wounds of my heart. At night the pain was the worst, as I would be still.  I could feel the effects more profoundly when I was not up and moving around. But I was comforted by angels -- on both sides of the veil -- and because of that, I have been able to mend my broken heart and keep moving forward. It takes time. 

I think sometimes we want to rush things. We want to get better too quickly, when true healing takes time and effort. I am not so sure what the rush is, are we in a hurry to die? When we are hurt, or broken, or in pain, we need to slow down and take it easy. The world will keep spinning whether we are moving fast or slow. But we will break if we try to go too fast, when we are meant to slow down. 

Healing is hard. It takes time. It requires patience. 

I am working on that patience thing. 

Henry's Hospital Update

Henry is home. We had a fun time at the hospital, but there is no place like home. We had a lot of interesting experiences, and I had many insights, and inspiring moments. I will share those later, when my brain is less fuzzy from the adventures we have had. Right now I will just share mostly facts... 

We went in early Thursday morning to prepare Henry for his procedure. When he got to his room where he needed to change and get ready, he wanted nothing to do with it. After a great struggle, they finally had to give him some medication to calm him down so they could get him ready in time. The medicine made him act silly, relaxed, and he kept playing with his bellybutton. They were able to take him from my arms, and walk away with him without him complaining. That was some powerful stuff. 

The surgery took longer than expected. When the doctor got in there she found that there was more to do then she had planned. She was able to take care of the issues with his ureters, and basically reconstruct them so that he will not reflux anymore. In about a months time he should be able to not take the antibiotic he has taken since the day he was born. That will be nice. This procedure was meant to prevent future problems. He has had one really severe kidney infection, but it was scary, and dangerous. Preventing future problems was the best thing to do. 

My mom waited with me while Henry was in the operating room. We even went and ate at the cafeteria, a place I had not been since Charles died. I felt totally peaceful at the hospital the whole time. Again, I will talk about all that good stuff later... the time passed, and it did not seem to take too long. 

After the surgery was over, and the doctor explained what she had done, we went to help Henry come off the anesthesia. That was a little rough, but he did well. He ate a popsicle not too long after waking up. Then we were wheeled up to his recovery room, where we stayed for a few days. 

He did great while recovering. It is really hard to rest and relax when the nurses are coming in every few minutes. He got really frustrated with them and he started to tell them, "Get outta here!" Once they would leave he would say, "Lock the door!" Every time they had to do something he would just say, "Don't!" I tried to help him understand that they were helping him, and he finally got to the point where he was saying, "Thank you." He especially liked the nurse who brought him popsicles. 

The kids came to visit for a little bit. It was so cute. Henry was so happy to see them. He just put out his little hand for them to touch. But you could see how much joy they brought him by being there. I think it was super comforting for him to have some friendly faces around. They stayed for a few hours. He loved it. 

Grandpa and Grandma held down the fort at home while I was gone. It put my mind at ease. I was not worried about the other kids at all. These good people have a secured place in Heaven for all they have done for me. I am sure of it. 

The whole thing was not a totally pleasant experience, but it was not awful. Henry did a beautiful job. I think his extra energy is helping him heal. 

He is home, and resting. He is still really out of it. He is sore, and he has to be careful. He has a good size incision on his tummy. I will be sleeping on the trundle next to his bed tonight, to make sure he is OK. But that is way better than the hospital chair I slept on. But somehow, I did manage to sleep. It was a miracle. 

Please continue praying for his quick and full recovery. He is a tough little guy, but it still hurts him, poor thing. He has walked around a little, but he prefers to be lying down, sucking his thumb. He is in his bed right now, watching Donald Duck, holding his special blanket. He will be down for awhile, until he is feeling much better. 

There will be more to come later... I am pretty tired from all the excitement. 

Thank you for your prayers and offerings of love. I felt them. I really did. I continue to feel them. 

Here are some pictures to tell the story...

Daddy's Got You

Henry goes to the hospital at 7:00 in the morning. He had a blessing tonight, given by my father. He was told that his daddy, and his ancestors, will be there with him, watching over him. He will be in good hands. The best hands.

Thank you for your prayers. I can feel them. I really can.

I will try and update the blog from the hospital...

Kidneys and Rainbows

Rainbows have always been special for us. They have appeared at different and meaningful times. Our whole family was in the car a few days ago, and there was one single dark cloud in the sky, and from it a rainbow smiled at us. It was very special, and very timely. It was as if Heaven was saying, "It is going to be OK."

Henry is going in for his kidney surgery this Thursday. We will be at the hospital for at least a few days. (For more on his kidneys click: HERE.) I anticipate some interesting feelings, but more than anything I anticipate that Charles will be with us during this time. He has not stopped caring about the welfare of his children and family, he watches over us more now than ever. You better believe he will be holding Henry's hand, and comforting him. And he will be with me, and keep me strong. There is this weird part of me that is looking forward to this experience. Maybe it is because I know Charles will be there, at the hospital. It kind of makes me excited thinking about it. I know Henry will be OK. It will be a hard process, but it will turn out alright.

My parents are on their way, driving all the way from Anaheim, California (where they went to Disneyland with my sister's family), and they will be here soon. I have had many friends offer help of every kind. I am not alone. I am never alone, not ever. I am so grateful for that.

Please say an extra prayer for Henry this week. And please say an extra prayer for me, that I can feel strong, and be brave.

Henry's Pre-Op Checkup

Henry went to the Urologist today. He is getting ready for his surgery, which will take place in 2 weeks. Henry has some fancy kidneys, with some extra tubes and compartments, and so he needs to have some of his internal plumbing fixed. This surgery should prevent future complications, and infections.

He did amazing at the doctor's office. He just laid there while they took a clean urine sample, though I am sure he was very uncomfortable. He cried briefly, and called out, "Mom, mom!" Even though I was standing right there, with my face on his face. It was precious, and heartbreaking too.

Henry has a lot of energy. I think this will help him heal quickly. I sure hope so. He is always moving, and active, and his little body just has the wiggles most of the time. I am very interested to see how he handles everything, but I feel certain his energy and zest for life will help him mend super fast.

The surgery will require a few days stay at the hospital -- the same one Charles' died in. That should be interesting. I will be with Henry the whole time, while my parents will come from Alaska to take care of the other children, and their needs.

I love my parents. I am so grateful they were called to the Temple Presidency in Alaska, so they can travel when they need to. They were planning on a mission to New Zealand, but that didn't workout. Had they gone on a mission, they could not travel so easily to help out when needed. Looks like God has His hand in things, for sure.

I anticipate some very interesting feelings while there at the hospital. I am preparing myself for the event, as best I can. I have been given a blessing that said not to worry, because Henry will be fine. I hold to that. I remember when I first found out about his kidneys before he was born, the Spirit whispered to me, "It will be hard, but it will be OK."

It will be OK. I know it.

Just say an extra prayer for Henry's healing.

Our Anniversary at the Hospital

I spent my first anniversary without Charles, at the same hospital he died in. How awesome is that?

I had an appointment scheduled for Henry to meet with a nephrologist, to test and talk about his raised blood pressure related to his kidneys. The last time we went for an appointment he had really high blood pressure, so they were concerned about that, and wanted him to see a specialist. I was not concerned about it, because I could tell Henry was anxious and nervous about the machine they were trying to get the reading on, so of course his blood pressure would be high. But if a doctor tells you to go and check on something, you go, right?

We had been to the hospital just a few days before (on Tuesday) for some blood work, which Henry was a champ for. He willingly held out his arm, and only shed a few calm tears as they extracted his blood. He did amazing. I was so proud of him! But before the blood draw, I sat waiting for our turn, and there was a "Code Blue" alarm that went off, and my heart started to flutter in remembrance. I had heard that urgent alarm before. There was a Code Blue that echoed over the speakers when Charles lost his heartbeat for the second time, on April 1st. My mind was sent into a frenzy of memories. I was sitting in the same hospital, the same medical smell was in the air, and the very same room was only a few levels above me. It gave me goosebumps. The last time I saw Charles was in that hospital. We had a closed casket, and no viewings. It was in that same building that I looked upon his face for the last time, and then walked out of the room.

Unfortunately for me, I have frequented that hospital many times since that day. Because of that, I have tried to make peace with the place. Though there are some horrible memories, there are also good ones too. Henry was born in that same hospital, and I have happy memories of Charles being there with me for that occasion. He rescued me from the dark tunnel I was in while giving birth. It was in that same hospital that Charles rescued me from what felt like death. See post: HERE.

Knowing I would be entering the hospital on our anniversary, I was determined to be happy. I made a request of my Heavenly Father that Charles could be close to me on our special day. I needed him with me. I am sure Charles is busy, but every now-and-again, I do request him to be near, and Heavenly Father grants my petitions.

As we walked into the hospital, Henry walked calmly and held my hand. I felt good, even great. Henry was being so good, so very peaceful. When we got on the empty elevator, I said out loud, "OK Charles, let's do this thing." We got to our appointment and Henry was serene and quiet -- not his normal demeanor, as anyone who knows him can attest. He was being so good. He again willingly held out his arm to the nurse as she measured his blood pressure, which ended up to be normal, even great. He continued to quietly and peacefully sit on my lap. I had never, ever, seen him so peaceful -- with the exception of being asleep.

While I was waiting for the doctor to come in, I looked around the room. The picture (the one pictured above) was right across from me, and my eyes focused in on it. It was a picture of the heart and lungs and it had words like "pulmonary" on it. (Charles died of a pulmonary embolism, a blood clot in his lungs that caused his heart to stop beating.) Instead of crying at the stark and physical reminder, I smiled and said, "Really? Are you kidding me? I have to see this today?"  It was such a ridiculous connection, that all I could do was chuckle about it.

I continued to look around the room. I had decided earlier in the day that I would be looking for a rainbow throughout the day -- not one in the sky, but just one somewhere, anywhere. Rainbows are extremely meaningful and special to us. I had been keeping my eye out for one, and then as I scanned the room I noticed a chart hidden behind some medical instruments. It was a rainbow chart. It was a chart to indicate where your pain level was at. I started laughing hysterically in my mind. I wanted to take a picture, but I would have had to disrupt Henry's peace. Calmness was the goal for a good blood pressure reading. I found my rainbow though. And it was perfect. Charles is a comedian after all.

When the doctor came in, I was instantly not impressed with him. Henry was as calm as if he were sleeping, but when the doctor walked in, his mere physical presence made Henry begin to move and shift around. The doctor was even texting someone else while he was talking to me -- so not impressed, so not professional. Luckily, Henry's blood pressure reading he took was good enough, so I will not have to be interacting with this particular doctor again -- I would definitely find someone else. This guy made me nervous. And his breath smelled like stale coffee. Ick.

When all was said and done, Henry was fine. His blood pressure was great. And I was slightly frustrated that I was sent to a whole other doctor -- and charged money -- just to get a decent blood pressure reading. Aargh.

Here is Henry before the doctor came in. You can see how calm he looks.

We left the hospital, and I was happy to go home. We had only been home from our trip for 4 days and each day had been full to the brim of things to catch-up on, including massive piles of mail and things to take care of.

I also went for an afternoon run. It was a beautiful day -- 56 degrees! I chatted with my sister while I ran, and I just enjoyed the fresh air, and warmth.  Sometimes I can start to feel anxiety in my soul, and running helps me to go and blow it all out. The deeper I breathe, the better I feel. Running is so rejuvenating for me, body and soul. 

I decided that it would be a good day to do our Christmas tree. We had already decorated the rest of the house the day after we got back, but we still needed our tree. Each year we normally go to a tree lot and get a real tree, but this year I wanted to try something different. Each year we also get sick at Christmas, and I am starting to wonder if there is a connection to having that live (dying) tree in the house. So this year, I decided to pull out our 9ft tree we had from when we lived in a big house for a year. I knew it would not fit with our 8ft ceiling, but I also thought I could be creative and make it fit... somehow. The idea would not leave my mind, so I went for it and hauled the big tree box in the house.  

My idea worked! We put it together, but we just left the very top piece off, and stuck some christmas flowers and decorations out from the top, to make it look complete. I think it turned out beautifully. I love it. Our house looks like a Christmas cottage. 

I will take some better pictures later... this is just from my iPhone.

We decorated the tree, made Otis Spunkmeyer cookies, and watched a Christmas movie.

Then the kids had to work on loads of homework. They are all trying to catch up from missing a full week of school. Luckily one of the two weeks we were gone was Thanksgiving break. Don't get me started on how much I do not love homework.

My first anniversary without Charles was awesome. It was a great day. I didn't miss him, because he was with me. My loving Heavenly Father granted my request. It was not the same, and I certainly missed being able to hug and smooch him -- but spiritual hugs are amazing too.

I was certainly not alone.

I am so lucky to have such a beautiful family that God has given me.

Though Charles' journal was the best anniversary gift ever -- these precious children he helped bring into the world are my most valued treasures of all. (Henry was sleeping for the picture.)

I am truly blessed.

The Verdict: Surgery

Henry will need surgery. Because of his recent and quite severe UTI, the doctor wants to go in and reconstruct his internal kidney plumbing. It was not certain he would need surgery before, because he had never had an infection. But now, with his last trip to the emergency room -- his fate is certain. Into the operating room he will go.

We have known about Henry's unusual kidney set-up (4 compartments, 4 tubes) since before he was born. It showed-up on an ultrasound. When he was born, I was nervous because they were not sure if there would be other complications. He has been completely "normal" with no signs of any trouble until just a few weeks ago when his temperature reached 104.5 and he was totally lethargic. After a series of tests and an extremely expensive ER bill (I am working on changing my insurance coverage), they figured out it was indeed a urinary infection. I knew it was something more than what any of my other kids have experienced -- it just felt different.

Henry also has high blood pressure, because of his kidney issues. I will be going to another doctor to discuss what needs to be done to monitor/control that... the surgery should help remedy that issue as well.

Life is always full of excitement and often undesirable events. I suppose I could be totally bummed out about it, but that won't really help anything. Henry will need surgery, he will make it through, and he will be better off on the other end. I plan to just go through the motions, and do what needs to be done. I also plan to snuggle little Henry extra tight before, during, and after his surgery -- poor little baby. The thought of cutting him open makes me sick! Eek!

I will be spending a few days with him in the hospital (the same one Charles died in) while he has the operation, and heals on the other end of it. I imagine that will be an interesting event for us. I am sure Charles will be close during that time, watching over his son, and me! I will be needing his support! This event will happen in February 2015, unless he has another UTI before then. If he gets another infection it will need to be bumped up to a sooner date. Please pray he can remain infection free, so we can wait until February! I need a breather!

My mom and dad will be coming to help with the festivities, and the other children. My parents are amazingly awesome. When I called they said they would do whatever I needed, whenever I need it. It is a good thing they were called to serve in the Alaska temple presidency, instead of going overseas on a mission to New Zealand -- like they were originally planning on. I have certainly needed them. And they have been available every time I need them. Coincidence? I think not. 

You know, I have had better times in my life. This last year has really been something for our family. One for the books. I spent a good part of my day today taking care of many little "death details." It is a lot of work when someone dies. Especially when that someone was an attorney, with his own law firm. Sometimes I look at all the random paperwork and minuscule details and I long to live out in a cabin far away from everything. Customer service is becoming a joke too. I get so tired of talking to machines sending me here, there, and everywhere but where I need to be. Ugh.

Somehow, I wake-up each morning and keep breathing and living through another day. I am trying really hard to think less of the future and more of the now -- but that is easier said than done! I am learning, however, that you really just have to take life as it comes, and keep moving forward as best as you can, with what you have to work with. And give the rest to God.

One breath at a time...

Breathe, just breathe.

P.S. Thank you so much to the kind soul who sent that certified check awhile back. After getting all of the ER bills it was a much needed relief. God bless you, my friend. He knows who you are. 

Grateful for the ER

I spent last night in the Emergency Room. Henry had a fever of 104.5 and he was totally lethargic. I first took him to the Urgent Care, where they quickly determined that I should admit him into the ER for testing based on his stats, and the way he appeared. Henry has kidney issues -- and is susceptible to kidney infections -- so he needs a little extra care and urgency when things seem a little off, especially with such a high fever. 

I quickly made my way from the Urgent Care to the Emergency Room -- the same ER where Charles lost his heartbeat on April 1st. I thought I might lose mine as I walked through the doors of the ER, and a flood of horrible memories came rushing into my brain. I had been to the same hospital since that day, but not into the ER. 

As I sat with my hot Henry, surrounded by an assortment of interesting people, my heart was pounding from intense emotional stimulation. Not only was I there in that moment, worried for Henry's well-being, but I was also being tormented by recent experiences of losing my husband, just a few rooms away from where I sat. My fortitude was tested. Somehow, miraculously, I did not cry. Not one drop. Though I was alone, I somehow did not feel alone. I felt empowered in my struggle, as if someone was by my side. 

The interesting thing is, I had quite an emotional day already. I spent the day on the couch with Henry, taking care of him, loving him, and just holding his hot sickly body. I decided to just give in and spend the entire day coddling him -- everything else took a backseat. As I sat on the couch, I realized it was the first time I had actually sat there and done nothing for a really long time. I decided to embrace the couch, and I turned on a BBC show called Return to Cranford  -- ever seen it? It was great. I don't normally watch shows in the middle of the day, but Henry wanted me to hold him, he could care less what we were watching, and so I watched a show in the middle of the day, while snuggling my precious child. 

While I watched the show, I ended up bawling like a baby several times, for many reasons. There were death scenes, talk of widowhood, and other life tragedies, and all these things have a way different effect on me now. I let out some pretty severe pent-up tears. It was like everything busy had been paused for a moment, and I was allowed to feel. I needed that. I needed to release some raw emotion through my eyes. It is wonderfully healthy from time-to-time. 

After awhile though, Henry's temperature rocketed too high, and my peace was replaced with purpose. I dried my tears, flew into action, and we ended up in the Emergency Room. 

After waiting for awhile, we were lead to our room in the children's portion of the hospital. I was so grateful I was taken to a different area of the ER than where I was before. Had I walked past the ER room that Charles was in, I think I would have let some serious tears fly, and people would have thought me crazy. 

Meanwhile, back at home, I had to let the kids know what was going on. They were worried that I was in the ER. The last time I went there things did not turn out very well. I tried to communicate with them often, to reassure them that all would be well. 

The doctors proceeded to run a bunch of tests on Henry. He had blood drawn, an IV, they extracted fluid from his spine, they got a urine sample via a catheter, and a variety of other things. We were there for about 6 hours. Henry was such a good boy the whole time, he was so out of it, it made him more calm then he would have been normally. I held him the whole time. I was also at total peace. I took my own advice and just went through the motions. I also just tried to see the good in the situation, and so I offered many prayers of gratitude to my Heavenly Father for things like modern medicine, TV's with cartoons, and cell phones for constant communication. 

It was strange, but somehow I also felt really close to Charles there. I think that in those moments of need, that is when he will be there for me. Of course he would be in the ER with me, watching over our sweet baby. I just cannot explain the peace I felt. I was basking in it. It felt like a breath of fresh, invigorating, springtime air. And I experienced a strength beyond my own that was buoying me up, and keeping me feeling joy despite my stressful circumstances. 

After determining that there was nothing wrong with his kidneys -- or anything else that was an obvious threat -- we were sent home. I drove home to the kids late at night, and they were relieved to see Henry. They were all very worried for him. 

Another interesting moment last night was a huge crash of thunder, and a violent wind blew me awake to find Henry shaking, and really hot. (Henry was right next to me in bed.) He needed more Tylenol to bring his fever down. Again, it felt like Charles was with me, helping me watch over Henry. He always was so good at helping with our sick children. Why would he stop helping me now? 

Henry has since spent the whole day today on the couch not moving. He has not walked for 2 days now, he is too shaky -- quite the contrast from taking life head-on, like I just wrote about in another post. I have been back to the doctor today, since he is still so miserable, and they gave him some antibiotics -- though he threw those up. 

Right now he is resting in my bed, right next to me. That is where he has been sleeping for the last few nights. He is doing better, he is actually awake and alert sometimes. I think he just needs some really good rest. And I need him to keep his medicines down and not throw them up. 

So, would you say an extra little prayer for Henry? I am sure he will get better, it is just so sad to see him this way. We still don't know what he has… none of the tests uncovered any answers. We are waiting for more results. I am not afraid of a little fever, I have 4 kids and I have seen my fair share, but this one is different. 

Extra prayers are appreciated. And they work. I have seen it. 

The funny thing is, the topic I picked for my talk on Sunday is: Grateful in Any Circumstances. (Based on Elder Uchtdorf's talk: HERE.)  I just love the personal experiences you have to go through in order to teach and speak with power and understanding -- I should have thought of that beforehand! So far, this has been quite the week around here! Everything I had planned for this week had to be changed. It is a different experience taking care of everything -- like trips to the ER and doctor -- without a spouse to help. I have had to rely on others for help. It has been humbling, and talk about feeling gratitude! People are so good. 

I have decided that the next time I choose a talk topic it will be: How to be happy when everything in life is perfect. 

I could use some life-application lessons like that. ;-)  

Triumphing over Tragedy with a Toddler

I have a two year old. He knows who his daddy is, for now. He still recognizes Charles' picture, and I will make sure he always knows who his father is. But sometimes I do feel a pit of sadness in my gut when I consider his future, without his father in his life. That was never part of the plan! Never part of my plan, anyway. 

The other kids are old enough that they all had a special relationship with daddy -- they will all remember him, and have the advantage of knowing how great he is. Henry loved to snuggle with daddy, and he would rush into his arms when he came home from work. But those memories may not stay with him over time. He is so very young.

I do think that Charles is sad about leaving us for many reasons, but one of the main reasons is that he will not be around to father our children. He believed with all of his heart that children deserve a loving mother and father, to love and protect them. We did everything we could to live our lives according to The Family a Proclamation to the World.  Now, I have had to do some adjusting -- since I am the head of the household -- but I want it to be known that I still cling to the words of this inspired document, with all of my heart. I have become a widow, and a single mother, but I will declare the sanctity and truthfulness of traditional marriage -- marriage between a man and a woman -- until I am out of breath to continue doing so. (Blog post about that another day, when I feel inspired.) 

I do not know what the future holds for our family. I do not know if Henry will ever know another father in his life -- I have no way of predicting that! Our future is in Heavenly Father's hands, and it will be done according to His will. I try not to fight against His will nowadays.

I do know that I will raise my little Henry as best I can, and I will teach him who his earthly father is, and what he believed in, and most importantly -- I will teach him who his Heavenly Father is. And I will make sure that he is surrounded by good men, who can be wonderful role models for him. Children need the influence of both good women and men in their lives, make no mistake about that! Though my children love me as their mother, they desperately want to be around men that they love and admire.

I do give my children everything that I am, and Heavenly Father has been filling in the cracks for me. It's been a miracle the way my children have handled everything. Little Henry has been a good "distraction" for all of us. He demands the attention of the entire house. His name does mean, "ruler of the home." His name fits!

Henry has been a blessing from Heaven. He is full of life, energy, and he needs constant looking-after. Without him, I may have had the chance to make the couch a more permanent residence for my bottom.  But with him, I have had to get up, chase him around, change his diapers, feed him, bathe him, clean the tornado of messes, and tend to his every need. (The other kids are super self-sufficient.) With him I have been surrounded by someone just super excited about being alive. Everything in the world is amazing to him, "Look an airplane! Look a bird! Look a rock!" He allows me to see through a child's wonder-filled eyes. He keeps me moving and active. Everything he does is full-steam ahead. Henry does not just walk -- he runs at life!

Back when Charles and I were trying to decide whether or not to have a 4th child, I was worried. I did not feel ready at the time. I was not in shape, or feeling awesome, and I was just scared. But I also had a strong impression that we should try to bring another child into the world. I am so grateful we were blessed with our Henry. He has been a healing balm for our family, during this difficult time.

When he was born, I was worried that his kidney issues would be horrible to handle. But I have since learned that when you are called upon to face trials you just walk through them one step at a time. One doctor visit at a time, one surgery at a time, etc. That is all you can do. And it works. Say a little prayer, go through the motions, and keep moving forward.

My Henry has helped me to triumph over the tragedy we have been facing. Because of him I still talk in a high-pitched, happy, motherly voice. Because of him I experience the world through a toddler's eyes, and partake in his ability to embrace life head-on, with no fear. He enjoys the moment. He wants to smile and giggle. He wants to play and have fun. He wants to ditch his clothes and run around in a diaper. He wants to snuggle and suck his thumb. He wants to play with his food. He wants to make cars fly.

He just lives life at 100% capacity.

I have a lot to learn from my little one.

No fear. Be happy. Face the world head-on…

Just live!! 

Smile!

 Play!

 Enjoy a cardboard box

 Explore!

 Look at life with wonder

 Don't forget to PRAY!

Daddy and Heavenly Father are holding you just like this… 

They want you to fly, and they will not let you fall!

They will always be with you.

I promise.