Slam by Sam

Sammi had to write and perform a slam poem in her English class. She wrote it on Saturday, memorized it Saturday night, and performed it on Monday. (We don't do homework on Sunday.) I was thinking, good luck girlfriend, because, wow, that was not a lot of time to produce anything of quality.

So, when she came home Monday after school, she told me her teacher had her perform her slam twice. She performed once in her class, and again in another class so the teacher could record it, and show video evidence to the district that her students are doing good work. I was surprised, and I had her perform for me, since I had not heard it yet. I was shocked, truly, by her performance. I maybe even cried a little.

Sometimes children do things that are expected, and sometimes they pull out things you never knew were inside. This was one of those unexpected moments, that caused me to see Sammi in a different way. This girl, she is my inspiration. And I am not just saying that because I am her mom. Really, she makes me want to be a better person. That sounds cliche; but it's still true.

Luckily, one of Sammi's friends also recorded her performance, and shared the video with me.

Thanks so much, Kyle!

The video is of Sammi performing her slam poem in front of the class... Enjoy! :)

Turn the volume WAY up, so you can hear it. 

Snowy Zoie

We have been enjoying our puppy. Today she got to play out in the snow for the first time. Even though I was not too excited about snow the day before March, I decided to make the most of it, and get some pictures. Zoie will not be a small puppy next winter. She will grow so fast, I want to make sure and capture some precious small puppy moments before they are gone. 

Here is Zoie enjoying the snow... 

The Kissing Disease?

I have Mono. Yeah, I have "the kissing disease." It is only slightly ironic, since I haven't kissed anyone for almost 3 years! Mono comes from the Epstein-Barr Virus. It lies dormant in my body, but I guess it can spring forth and manifest itself with brutal symptoms, more than once. Stress can weaken the immune system, and cause it to flare up. Me, stressed? Ummm... yeah. I am working on trying to peace-out more. Breathe in, breathe out. I had Mono right after I got married, too. Oh man, that was awful.

I must admit I am kind of relieved with the discovery, because I have felt so incredibly awful, and it has been making me feel like I am crazy. When I feel sick, it is hard not to feel crazy. That whole mind-over-matter thing only works so well, when the matter is full of a virus, making the mind all fuzzy and confused. I am pretty darn in-tune with my body and mind. I took my mind and body through the training and cruel punishment of the marathon -- I know when something is not right with this flesh of mine. I know what feeling good feels like.

I have not felt good.

I have not even felt like running, at all. That is not normal. I would go for walks, and not feel rejuvenated afterwards, only more tired. I lost my appetite. I was not hungry. And let me tell you, that never happens. I am always hungry. I always want food. But my desire to eat was just not there (it is coming back), and that is when I knew something was wrong. When I didn't feel better after being treated with antibiotics for Strep, I knew I had to go back and see what was going on.

I had to convince my doctor to test me for Mono, after I had been there more than once to run some lab work. He thought that maybe it had to do more with anxiety and grief, and that it was affecting my body and mind, but I was certain it was something more. Mono has caused all sorts of anxiety, heart palpitations, fear, and I even ended up in the ER one morning because I felt so awful, dizzy, and scared. All of my other testing has checked out just fine, so my symptoms were just written off as anxiety attacks. (Which are fairly new for me, I've never had them before.) But when I was finally tested for the EBV virus, my tests were through the roof.

Finally, some answers!

This explains so much over the last month(s) of all the ongoing and drastic sickness and dreadful feelings I have had. I do not know if my children have had it, but there are sure some indications that some of them might have had it. There is no use in testing them now, since there is nothing that can be done about it, but wait it out. It can be spread by the sharing of things like cups. Henry has taken drinks out of my cups, for sure. It does seem like most of the children are really on the mend though, so that is hopeful.

So, now at least I know what has been afflicting my body and mind. And somehow that makes me feel better. I am still not up to par, but I am doing a little better, and I should keep getting better as the days go on. I would like to learn more about the Epstein-Barr Virus, because looking back over my life, there have been some things that would indicate it has perhaps been there since my youth.

I know stress is not good for the body at all, and was very likely a trigger in setting the virus free to run amuck. I am trying to find ways to chillax more. One of the most important ways to reduce stress is to PLAY. I need to play more, and just have fun. Sometimes I forget to have fun, and I take things too seriously. It was so much easier to have fun when Charles was around, because he was just so full of energy and ideas. Life was more fun with him, no doubt about it. But all work and no play makes Mari a sick girl. So I need to find ways to enjoy life more fully.

One thing I did learn is to listen to my body, if something is not right. I had to keep seeking answers, until we were able to find the problem. I am so grateful to know what has been wrong with me! It gives me a sense of peace knowing that I am not completely crazy -- I'm only just a little crazy. ;)

Here is to happy healing. What a blessing good health really is.

My dad told me I should probably wait to start dating for awhile.

No kissing for me. ;)

Here is Studio C's Mono Monologue...

Zoie the Goldendoodle

We got our Goldendoodle puppy. Her name is Zoie. (Pronounced Zoey.) The name Zoie means "Life." It is the name that Charles wanted to pick for Sammi all those years ago, but at the end of the day, Sammi was meant to be Sammi. As I was trying to pick our new puppy's name, I heard Charles whisper to me that her name should be Zoie. I looked it up, and I loved the name meaning. She has certainly brought "life" into our home, especially after all the sickness we have experienced over the last few months.

If you recall, we had another puppy for awhile. The story is back HERE. Because of that mix-up, we had first pick at the next litter, and we were able to pick exactly the puppy we wanted. If you think I am crazy for going back to the same breeder, then maybe you are right. But I was very pleased with how they handled the mix-up, and I was willing to give it another shot. It is clear this time that Ms. Zoie is a Goldendoodle... and she is exactly the dog I have been hoping for.

Now, I am going to be honest, life with a new puppy is not peaches-and-cream. Puppies are cute, but they are very much a handful to take care of. It is like having a furry, crawling, baby in the house, that explores the world with her mouth, and poops without a diaper to catch it. I do not mind the poop and pee clean-up... I am so used to that with kids, it is like no big thing. Our puppy is even sleeping through the night from 10-7 without needing to pee! Hooray! The first few nights were an adjustment with that, but she is figuring it out. We have a gated area she can go to if she needs to be kept safe during the day, and at night she sleeps in her kennel, and does beautifully there. 

The only thing that is really a challenge for me is the puppy biting. I am not so concerned with her chewing on things, as much as I am her chewing on people. When she gets too excited, she gets kind of mouthy, and that can be a challenge for sure. I have been looking into ways to deal with that, as I know this is normal puppy-play behavior, but I want her to become a good grown-up dog, with good habits. I know it is up to me to teach her. 

Does anyone have experience with puppy biting? I would love to hear any ideas... I do redirect with chew toys, and have taught the children to yelp like a puppy if she bites them, to teach her that it hurts. If she gets too excited and really mouthy, she goes for a time-out break in her gated area. I will be taking her to puppy classes soon, but in the meantime... I would love any advice in this area. 

She is only mouthy when she is in over-excited play-mode, otherwise she is a good cuddly puppy. With children around, the energy level can be high, so I try to give her as many breaks, and as much quiet time as she needs. She is never just wandering around our house unsupervised. The gated area for her is in a room we are often in, so she is part of the group, even when she is safely relaxing on her own. 

She loves to run outside in the backyard. She is learning how to go potty really well, too. Look at her fluffy, curly, fur... I can hardly stand how cute and fluffy she is! Goldendoodles are a Golden Retriver and Poodle mix. Sometimes her cuteness consumes me. She is a beautiful creation.

Playing nicely together. These two must always be supervised together. They feed off of each others energy, like too overly-excited puppies. I look at them now, and try and imagine a future day of them playing together as a young man and his dog. That gives me the patience to handle the high-voltage excitement that occurs between the two of them.

Sammi especially loves Zoie. I think it is because she is a girl. She has bonded with her, and loves to snuggle and play with her.

 This was day one. Sammi was so happy to cuddle with her.

 Ahhhh... the quiet, cute, moments.

Daniel loves her too. He can sometimes be allergic to animals, he is allergic to cats, and has some reaction to certain dogs, but so far so good with her. No dog is truly hypoallergenic, but some are less likely to cause an allergic reaction than others. Goldendoodles are supposed to be one of the better breeds for allergy-sensitive people. We shall see if this proves true as she gets bigger. I sure hope it does!

 Oh, the love.

 Sammi is teaching her the important things.

 After some practice, she should be golden. ;)

Even I enjoy snuggle time with Zoie. I am not what you would call an "animal person." But I do love animals, I just do not have experience with them. I am learning to be more comfortable. And though the puppy-stage is cute, what I really look forward to is her as a more mature dog.

I have plans for my new furry friend, as a running buddy to keep me safe, and also I want to train her to be a Therapy dog. I want to take her to places around town, to lift others who need some furry joy in their lives. The idea came to me while I was sick, and I remembered when Henry was in the hospital, they had a therapy dog come and visit him, it was so great. I am looking into how to certify to do just that. It will take some time, and lots of training (for both of us), but it would be a great thing for me to do once Henry is in school. It kind of depends on her natural temperament, but a lot of things can be taught in training classes.

We shall see what the future holds.

She has to be over a year old to start as a Therapy dog. It might be a ways down the road, but I keep it in mind when I am potty-training a puppy. All my children are done with that potty-training phase. I was just entering the stage in life, where I didn't have to wipe bums anymore.

Maybe deep down I really like to clean up poop.

William is the one who REALLY wanted a dog. He has been begging me for a puppy for a long time.  He enjoys being with Zoie, and playing with her. The sparkle in his eyes says it all.

 They call it puppy-love. It is the sweet moments that make it worth the effort.

Wish me luck on this new adventure! I knew going into it that puppies are cute in pictures, and hard work in real life. (And I also knew who would end up with the brunt of the work, I had no illusions in that department.)

But just because something is hard, doesn't mean it's not good.

She has been good for me so far. She keeps me in the present moment, because poop is not something to contemplate, or analyze, or feel deeply about... it is just something to clean up when it happens.

And, oh boy, does it happen!

One of my favorite lines from Shrek the Musical, is when Shrek sings to Fiona convincing him of his love for her. It describes this new life with a puppy perfectly...

But now we know... that beautiful... ain't always pretty.

Pursuing Dreams not Doldrums

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Daniel and Sammi love music. They both want to pursue music as their professions, in some form or another. (Perhaps teaching.) They told me that most of their friends who love music, are not encouraged by their parents to pursue music as a career. They are told it is not lucrative, or worth the effort. Their friends are told it can be a minor, but not a major, in their future pursuits. (Music pun intended.)

What I tell my children is, you must do what you love! If you love music, then make that your life, your passion, your drive, and go out and do something amazing with it. I truly believe, if you love something -- if you are passionate about it -- you will be successful at it. I encourage them to follow their dreams of music... wherever that may take them.

I watched as their father tried to find his passion in the career world, being an attorney, trapped behind a desk, and I tell you it made him wither in his soul. Charles was full of creativity and drive, he could do whatever he wanted, but he also felt he had to provide well for the family, so that drove him to make a different, more "responsible" choice. (I would have lived in a cardboard box with Charles, his career was his choice.) He was not happy in his career. He wasn't. Life as a lawyer sucked away his joy. It did. Do I think it led to his early death? Yes. I cannot go back and say "what if" now, but I can teach my children what I have learned, from life's sometimes very difficult lessons.

What Charles really wanted to be was a teacher. He would have been a fantastic teacher.

I know Charles would have me teach the children to pursue their dreams... the dreams that make them excited to get up in the morning; the dreams that fuel their hearts with joy, and life, and passion. Because life is meant to be full of passion and joy, not just drudgery, day in and day out. I do not concern myself with what they will choose to do with their professional lives, as much as I care about who they will choose to become. In all their choosing, I hope they choose the path that is most likely to lead to happiness.

If that is music...

May the Forte be with them!

The other day Sammi asked Henry (who is 4) what he wants to be when he grows up. He responded with, "I want to be Henry!"

He speaks with simple, profound, wisdom.

I want my children to grow up and be who they are truly meant to be. I want them to know who they are, and I want them to have the courage to pursue their most fantastic of dreams.

If you choose to do what you love, you will love what you do.

Life is too short to let dreams wither and die.

*The video is from Daniel's Solo Ensemble performance.

At Last I See the Light

The sun. Isn't it so beautiful? After having the sky covered in a blanket of grey for so long, having blue sky and sunshine felt like seeing with new eyes. I went out for a walk in the early morning on this Valentine's day, and everything was covered in a light frost. It was like the earth was glittered in tiny rainbows, that danced and sparkled in the glorious sunlight. 

I felt like it was a gift just for me. 

Rainbows are very special for me, and Charles, and I planned to purposefully look for one today. I thought perhaps he could send me just a little token of his undying love for me on this day of romance. I thought I might have to really search to find just one rainbow. 

Instead, the moment I stepped outside for my walk, I was greeted with rainbow sparkles everywhere. I could not capture it in the pictures I took (I tried, but I could not catch the real beauty of it on my iPhone). If you have seen frost sparkle in the sunlight, you know the magical rainbow-glitter I am talking about. 

I felt a surge of excitement charge through me, as I went out to chase my rainbows. I was reminded that though Charles cannot be with me all the time, he is always mindful and aware of me, and he loves me more now than ever... and he will love me forever. Today I really felt his love, and it was so refreshing and hopeful and bright. 

I was reminded of a song... 

And at last I see the light

And it's like the fog has lifted

And at last I see the light 

And it's like the sky is new

And it's warm and real and bright

And the world has somehow shifted

All at once everything looks different

Now that I see you

Feeling Better

Oh man, this last while has been really rough. I don't want to write too much about it, but I do want to say that I believe we are finally on the mend! After getting strep, we had to take antibiotics, which for some reason caused weird things to happen to my body. (And William's, too.) I will spare the details, but I really felt out-of-body and like I was losing my mind. I got off them yesterday and already I feel like myself again, for the first time in a long time. I hate medicine, though I am grateful for it when it does what it is suppose to. There are sometimes side effects worse than the actual illness! I am so grateful for all the prayers on our behalf, it means so much to me. Knowing that others were praying for our healing gave me courage and hope! Thank you, thank you! 

Just some pics from the last little while... 

A little skiing fun in the backyard. 

 Henry playing with Charles' old pinewood derby cars. I do not have a picture of William, but he got second place in the pinewood derby. Woo!

 Snow... it snowed so much. It was so grey, for so long. That is just not normal for our part of Idaho.

 It started to make me crazy!

 The sickness setting in. The flu, strep, vomit... we saw it all.

 When I threw out my back, so many kind people came and helped out. Food, flowers, and sweet things were brought to help and cheer us up. It made such a big difference in our lives. I am so grateful.

 Henry being silly.

I did not take a picture of all the food, but check out this homemade cake from a sweet man in my ward. Yummy!

 In between back pain and sickness, I decided the house needed some love and light, so I made a Valentine's tree... a new tradition for sure.

 Sick boy.

It was my birthday on February 2. I am 37! One of my friends made me a cake, it was so yummy! Again, sweet gifts were bought and I am so grateful. I have not been very good about taking pictures of things. But I remembered to take a picture of the cake... ;)

 It was so grey for so long, I had to take a picture when the sky started to peek through.

 Just another snow day...

 Strep throat and popsicles.

Smiling through the pain. Man, I felt so weird, especially at night. I have never had such a strange reaction from medicine. Seriously, after one day of being off the antibiotics, I feel like a totally different person. Let's hope that trend holds, and I can be back to feeling really great soon!

 Sunshine!!!! Hooray!

 Here we are lining up for medicine... no fun.

 My parents sent Sunshine Bear to blast light into our lives.

 CareBear stare! That's just what we needed!

My kids are singing ALL the time. It really is like living in a musical around here. People randomly burst into song all throughout the day and night.

After all the grossness, I was able to get out for my first walk in a long time. It felt SO GOOD. I tried to take it easy, but when I got out there I just wanted to go!

 Henry shouted for joy to be out by the river! Hooray!

 Sunshine... is so healing.

I went to the store today and saw these... seriously? With cream cheese? It's not even pumpkin season??!! (Remember I have a pumpkin problem, like I LOVE it.) 

 The kids are working on Valentine's.

While I was out I saw these... Spring! It is coming. Good times are coming, I can feel it!