Healing My Wings

I asked to see or feel something joyful. I was out for a run last night, enjoying the intensity of running in the heat, and I needed a mental lift. Running is hard, but often enjoyable too. Running in the heat is just unpleasant. The heat just sucks the life out of me. I was feeling rather drained, when I asked for some sort of something to inspire me to continue.

When I pray for inspiration, I know it will come: if I look for it.

I kept my eyes open, and my head up.

I was about 6 miles out, and I was drenched in sweat from head to toe. I was staying hydrated, but feeling sluggish. The temperature was probably in the 90's. I have run in the heat plenty of times, but I try to avoid the really hot runs. Last night I just needed to shake things off, and so I went out anyway, knowing full well it would be uncomfortable.

I was plodding along, losing my steam, and on came my song.

My Fight Song.

I immediately perked-up. My body is trained to have power during the Fight Song, it is an almost involuntary response from all the marathon training. The song just speaks to my soul, and I love it.

And then came my moment. The one I was looking for.

The one I asked for.

A beautiful butterfly came flying up next to me, staying with me as I ran. It was very symbolic for me. When I was running the marathon, I happened to find a dried butterfly on the road, with crushed wings. I have felt like that butterfly sometimes, all crushed and dried-up, with broken wings.

Yesterday, as I followed my newfound flying friend, I felt free. I was hotter than heck, but that did not matter. I heard a voice in my head that told me to lift my wings and fly. I ran a little faster, though that was not the intent of the message. I had a very strong feeling that I am whole now. I guess sometimes I feel like I am waiting to be whole. Like something in my life will change, and I will feel more free. The feeling I got was that day is today.

I am meant to be whole and free today!

The process of grieving never ends, from what I have been told. It just changes over time. I still have moments of utter sadness, and loneliness from the loss. However, as time passes, and as I continue to focus on the things I know to be true, I find myself feeling quite happy. It is not like I bounce around all silly and giddy all the time. What I feel is a deep joy in my heart, and a great hope for the future.

My heart is healing quite well, thanks to my faith and trust in my Heavenly Father.

I think I am ready to spread my wings and fly!

I Have to be Vulnerable?

My heart has been a battle-zone lately. For some reason, I have felt compelled to look into my wounded heart, and ask it some hard questions. When you lose your spouse, there are so many feelings that have to be reconciled and worked through. You cannot just ignore feelings; they will continue to knock, pester, and torment, until you "have it out" with them. I have been having a knock-down, drag-out, fight with my feelings.

I find myself a bit raw from the duel.

There is this word that keeps haunting me. It is a word I do not like. I have heard it many times over, from various sources.

The word is:

Vulnerable.

One definition of vulnerable is: susceptible to being wounded or hurt. 

Some synonyms of vulnerable are: accessible, defenseless, exposed, sensitive, unsafe, weak, out on a limb, sitting duck, tender, thin-skinned, unguarded, unprotected. 

This word is not one that brings me comfort. I have been told that it is what I need to allow my heart to be, in order to be willing to date again. I need to basically let down the intense protective barrier that is shielding me from harm, and allow my heart to really feel. Some of those feeling might be painful... dating is not likely to be a particularly easy process.

The first time I fell in love, it was not so complicated. I cannot really use the first time as a reference point: I was young, without children, and essentially carefree with only the future before me. Now, I feel that to love again would be high-stakes, with everything on the line, and it is not just my future that will be changed; but my whole family. My head and heart take everything into consideration. I find that somewhere lurking in the details, something leaves me immobilized by fear. Perhaps I am not ready to feel additional pain? 

I have communicated with some young widowers over the last few years. I have spoken on the phone, via email, and learned much from some of these men. One man that I spoke with on the phone (he had dated a lot after his wife died), mentioned the hardest thing for him was to allow himself to be vulnerable. He kept saying that word, and the word kept tapping me on the heart. It made me burn inside, each time he said it. Me, vulnerable? No, thanks. (Take a look at those synonyms one more time.) Ugh.

And yet, I know it is true. If I want to start dating, I am going to risk getting hurt, potential rejection, and I might have my heart broken all over again.

Doesn't that sound fun?

Regular Life

The summer is starting to wind down. We still have a month before school starts, and there are a bunch of activities still on the summer calendar. However, I am ready for the heat to start tapering-off.

I just start getting itchy for the coming autumn time, and all the glories that the season brings. I love having my kids around, and the relaxing go-at-our-own-pace days we get to enjoy with school out of session. But there is something great about the school year, too. I noticed that as soon as the 4th of July was over, the school supply section was up at the store. It made me a little excited. I don't want to wish days away, not at all.

I just really, really, adore the sight of pumpkins.

And the smell of pumpkin bread... Mmmmmm.

I love the holidays. I think I love them more and more each year.

It is coming!

Sammi told me it was time to post some normal life pictures. She is right. So here we go...

We had another boys choir party at our house. It was a practice, not just a party. The house was filled with the sounds of boys working on their harmony. It was fun to listen to them. Daniel conducted the rehearsal, and Sammi played the piano. My job was to provide the house, and some treats. I decided ice-cream cookie sandwiches would be fun. The boys seemed excited about eating them.

 They got to make their own, and slap on as much ice-cream as they could.

 Henry grabbed one and ran up to my room to eat it.

 My kids love mint chocolate chip ice-cream. It is not my favorite. My favorite is chocolate.

 The kids found some animal hats to play with.

 Henry was a pretty cute lion.

 Roar!

This is what it looks like when the little one grabs the hose, and chases everyone inside.

We love to spend time by the river. We could -- and do -- stay there for hours. It is just so fun. I don't know why finding a rock and throwing it is so therapeutic, it just is!

William loves throwing rocks. He has become good at skipping them. It is a glorious day to learn how to skip a rock.

I took Sammi to the temple. It is so nice to go to the temple with my children. I love that they love to go.

I was out running with Sammi and we saw this rainbow cloud. Rainbows have always been special for me. I have always felt like they mean I am on the right track... that there are good things ahead.

 Sammi loves to read. I find her in some of the strangest positions. She rips through books like crazy!

 We took a walk with our friends. We are all trying to prepare for Trek, and break-in new shoes.

We had a trek-dancing night. The kids loved it. I spent my time walking around with two different cameras trying to capture the moments. We are all super excited, and very ready to just go for it. There is so much build-up to it. The actual Trek is really something special and amazing. I would not want to go back if it was not something I love. Because I love it, my kids are crazy-excited about it too.

 Another river day. We go there, a lot.

I fixed my washer. It was getting so stinky when I would run a load of laundry. I did some research and found that the tubes can get full of buildup and gross stuff. I watched a youtube video on how to remove the tubes from inside the machine, and I learned how to clean them. I followed the instructions and managed to fix the stinky problem. I felt pretty awesome. I was a little worried, I ran a clean cycle without clothes in my washer, and bubbles started coming out the back. I thought I had destroyed the machine. Apparently, that can happen on the clean cycle when there is too much soap. I tried a regular cycle and it worked great, and the smell was gone too. I have done a bunch of laundry and so far, so good.

I am not afraid of trying to fix things in the house, unless it is out of my comfort zone: like plumbing and electrical stuff. One thing I have learned though, I am pretty sure Charles most often had no idea what he was doing, when it came to fixing things he had never fixed before. He would just try to fix things anyway. I have learned to be brave and just go for it, if I can. I still call for help if I am completely lost on a fix-it project. My goal is not to make things worse. But if I watch a youtube video and think I can handle it, I will!

Daniel will be going to Scout camp for a week. He is super excited. He is getting so close to accomplishing his Eagle. Woo!

More fun times to come!

Trek Dancing

We had a Trek dancing night. The youth and adults learned some new dances. They will be dancing on our Trek adventure, coming up super soon!

Here is some video from the event...

*Make sure to select the highest HD quality when viewing the video. (Click on the little wheel at the bottom of the video player.) For some reason, the quality changes on different computers? Does any tech-savvy person know why?

You're Nobody 'til Somebody Loves You

I have been thinking a lot about love lately. Maybe you have noticed? The longer I go without having someone around to love, the more I wonder if I even remember how to love. I grow comfortable in my "independence" in some ways. And yet my heart feels incredibly uncomfortable in its current state of living without someone to love. I have even come to the point where I have asked: What is love? I feel like my heart is starting to forget. (Perhaps I am trying to remember, with all these love-filled post lately.) 

When I was with my family not too long ago, I asked the question: What is the definition of love? I let them know I was not just talking about love in general for all people. I wanted to discuss romantic love: or the love of a spouse. I knew that I would get some common answers such as, service, and putting someone else's needs above your own. These are, of course, good and true answers. However, I was interested in digging a little deeper... into the raw feelings part of love.

There are the things we do, and there are the things we feel.

I sat upright, cuddled in blankets, on the guest room bed in my brother's home. I listened intently as a few brave souls attempted to define what love meant to them. It was not easy to answer, because love seems a bit elusive; perhaps ebbing and flowing like waves upon the shore, or wind that caresses the trees. Love is ever moving and changing with time and attention: or lack of time and attention. From one day to the next, love may cause the most intense comfort, or the most excruciating pain. I have certainly felt both.

My dad (who is a true romantic), described love with one word:

Fire. 

He is old, and wise, and has always loved and cherished my mother. He began to poetically describe how feeling love is to burn: to be on fire. But that fire can also fizzle out, if we do not keep the spark of love alive. He went on in greater detail... perhaps I will have him write a blog post about love and fire for me sometime. (How about it, dad?) 

I am afraid that I am also a romantic, like my father before me, and the love that I have experienced in my life has been of the fiery-sort. Of course there was service and sacrifice involved; but there was also a deep passion that was there from the beginning, that kept us close. That fire had to be nourished though, it was never just there. It had to be sparked by the things we chose to do together, or for each other. (There is that service thing again.) And yet, there was something. There was something that drove us together. (I am not just talking hormones, though that was originally part of it, for sure.)

If love is fire, I was as a moth to the flame.

Our love was never just service, or doing nice things for each other. There was something more... something that made my heart swirl with excitement whenever Charles would enter a room. He captivated me, enchanted me. And I do not speak like this just because he is gone; I wrote plenty of mushy-love blog post about him when he was here. Again, that is because I am a hopeless romantic, and part of who I am. When I love someone, I love with full-gusto.

I am not for the faint of heart.

It will take someone with great courage to embrace what I am, and have become.

Earlier today, I was listening to the Nat King Cole station, and I heard the song "You're Nobody 'til Somebody Loves You". (If you have never heard the song, you can google it.) Now, I know this is not true. Of course you are somebody, even if nobody loves you! And the fact is, there is always someone who loves you (Heavenly Father), and that is a beautiful thing. But I have talked to enough people who have lost love (or never found it), to know that people love to be in love. And when people do not have love, they are hoping for it. It is not that I am nobody 'til somebody loves me, it is just that I feel more "somebody" when I am in love. Call me crazy, but it is true for me.

For me, life is so much more beautiful, when I have the fire of romantic love burning in my heart. I know that the love I am capable of giving, receiving, and feeling, is not saved exclusively for just Charles -- time and experience has taught me this. My heart has been stretched and molded, and I have a new understanding about its capacities. I am sure the future holds even greater lessons for me in that department. These are lessons I am willing to learn, even though I am terrified of my heart exploding with such intense feelings. But I am one who has had love and lost it, and I currently hope to find it again. (I understand I have the prospect of eternity to enjoy love in the future, but I live in mortality now, and I feel a desire to love again in my lifetime.) 

As the song says, I hope to find "somebody to love."

OK, enough about me...

Me, me, me... blah, blah, blah.

What about you?

What do you do to keep the fire of love alive? How would you define love? How does experiencing love make you feel? Are there things you can do to keep the spark of love burning? (I am looking for clean, wholesome, answers.) ;) 

(Just to show that I was mushy about Charles when he was alive... here is a song I wrote for him years ago. The video is not the best quality (it's old) but you get the idea.) 

Learning to Love Running After the Marathon

It has been more than a month since the marathon. I was warned about the post-race blues, and that I would be eager to sign-up for another event to motivate me to keep going. I have felt a little weird after the marathon, but in a way that I was not expecting. 

I simply find it hard to run. 

I have been working out daily for the last month, but I have not done a bunch of long distance running. I have been taking long hikes with my children, going on bike rides, enjoying power walks by the river, and the occasional run. I find I am a little burnt-out, not just physically: mostly it is mental. 

Before signing-up for the marathon, I would run often, sometimes daily. I would run just for the sake of exercising to feel good, and to have good health. I loved running. It was therapeutic and uplifting for me. During the training I had to run and follow a very strict schedule, and when those long runs on Saturdays (between 10-20 miles) would come up, I would have to make them happen. 

I did it. I followed my plan, and I completed the marathon. 

But as I have tried to run lately, I find my mind is so not into it. My brain feels kind of sluggish, and my motivation to put in long miles is far spent. I have needed a break from it, I think, so that I can learn to love it again. I know I will always love to run, but there are times when running is more fun. 

It is summertime, and it is hot. If I want to run comfortably, I need to wake-up super early, or go out really late. I did go out the other evening, it was nice and cool, and I felt good. I was in the groove and I wanted to be running. I could smell the warmth of the sagebrush in the air, along with the coolness that comes from the river. I felt strong, and free, and hopeful. Running felt fun. I was grateful to feel that again. I was grateful to be reminded that I will not always feel so sluggish about those long miles. 

I think that as summer comes to a close, and the beauty of autumn settles on the Valley, my desire to put in the miles will come back with great force. I absolutely adore running in the fall. While I was out the other evening, I was reminded that all things have a time and a season. I have taken some time to go out running on my own during the summer, but I have mostly been working-out with my kiddos, and I have enjoyed that immensely. 

So, will I sign-up for another running event? I do not know the answer to that yet. I might be willing to try some shorter distances, but for now I have not been persuaded, or felt the urge, to make it happen.

We shall see.

Who knows what the future holds?

All I know is I cannot wait to feel the coolness of fall, as my running shoes hit the pavement. It is coming! Hooray!

This is the shirt from the marathon. I really like it. It is much easier to enjoy the pain, now that it is finished. :) 

Christmas in July with the van Ormers

We celebrated Christmas in July. This year we decided to capture it on video. 

Enjoy a glimpse into what the van Ormers are really like... 

For mobile devices click: HERE 

Is Love By Chance, or By Choice?

I often wonder when I should push forward, or push the "be patient" button. I am very aware that so much of life is influenced by the choices I make. All of the little choices I make each day, will ultimately determine my destiny. This is a staggering, and sometimes terrifying thought.

There is so much power given to me, to determine the course of my future. With this power, comes great responsibility. I find myself wondering what I should do with this responsibility. I struggle to know when to be bold, or when to be still.

I recently wrote a post about a blessing I was given, regarding a companion being prepared for me. You can read the post: HERE. I received some feedback from another widow, who said she had received a similar blessing. She commented that it had been more than 7 years, and she was still waiting for the blessing to be fulfilled. This caused my heart to feel a little sad for this sweet lady, and also a little concerned that maybe I might also have an extended time to wait for my "proper companion."

The thought of waiting for too long makes me want to burst!

The widow's comment caused me to wonder how much control I have over the outcome of this blessing, and other aspects of my life. I am not one who likes to sit and wait around for things to happen to me -- I like to make things happen. When it comes to patience, and waiting, this is perhaps not my greatest of virtues. It is during the waiting process that I can become the most antsy to take action: perhaps too soon, or too hastily.

I am learning that there is a balance between leaving things to chance, and making choices. In other words: I am trying to learn when to be patient and wait on the Lord, and when it is the Lord who is waiting on me. 

For example, I would like to find a companion, and enjoy the blessings of that kind of love in my life. But if I just sit at home and wait for Prince Charming to come knock on my door, I will likely be sorely disappointed. If I really want to meet someone, then I need to take action, and not just wait around for someone to fall in my lap. (Though that would be convenient!) I am all for the plan of taking action.

However, because I am a dreamy-eyed romantic, I cannot help but hope, and believe, that there is a "right" person for me to find. Sure, I could go and find someone to date -- but I do not want to date just anyone. I am looking for someone special, and uniquely compatible with me, and all my Mari-craziness. I am not looking for perfection, or even Prince Charming: I am not that ridiculous. I am just hoping to find someone who can become my best friend.

That's not too much to ask, right?

My blessing also included the fact that I would: "Be in the right place, at the right time." To me this also implies that there is a "right person" that I am meant to be with.

At this point, I find myself unsure of what action to take, and this bothers me more than anything. The few singles events I have attended have been extremely sad, and not my idea of a good time. I just feel so strongly that is not the way I will find someone. So, another way will have to be prepared for me... a way that is unknown to me at this time.

I have felt the desire grow steadily in my heart, like something is coming, about to begin. But a little more patience is required.

I feel like, even though it is my responsibility to act, it is also my responsibility to act at the right time. I do not know what the "right time" is yet, but I do hope I will be prompted and driven towards action, when the time is right. I try to listen, to feel, and to rely on the whisperings of the Spirit to guide me in these things. Without such guidance, I can be rather silly.

I am 36 years old, and a mother of 4; but I am still just a silly-girl in my heart. I have matured in many ways over time. In the ways of romance and love, my heart seems to stay forever young and girlish. Though my heart is more complex with the experiences I have gone through, my desire for love and romance is just as strong now, as it ever was. This pleasantly surprises me.

Is love by chance, or by choice? I think my answer will be: Both.

I have to trust in the Lord's timing, and then take action when the time is right.

I will cross that bridge when I get there.

I just hope I know which bridge to cross!

Learning How to Do Videography

I took Sammi out for a photo and video shoot. I need to practice, because Trek is coming up. (I am responsible for the photography committee.) I have other photographers coming, but our videographer will not be able to make it, which leaves me to figure out the art in just a few weeks! 

I feel fine behind a camera, but taking video is a bit different -- and yet very similar. I ordered a new video camera, which will hopefully be easy to maneuver and handle during the journey. I will have a hiking pack full of camera gear for my Trek experience. 

Sammi and I went to the river to experiment with video (we took a few pics along the way). I really enjoyed it. It was my first attempt, and so I was just messing around, but it became really fun, really fast. I think I have been capturing images all my life; now I am able to capture them and share them with others, and I love that. 

Sammi is always a lovely photography specimen. She is very patient, and does not mind having a camera in her face. 

Here are a few images of my cute Rapunzel... 

Here is my first attempt at videography...

I used my DSLR camera (the same one I use for photography), so it will not be the same thing I use on Trek, but a lot of the concepts are the same. I just wanted to practice some things on site, and post-editing too. The problem is, now I feel like I need more equipment, especially editing programs.

It was really fun to put together!

This is Rapunzel dreaming of her Castle on a Cloud...

Click HERE for mobile devices

A Proper Companion Will Come

I find myself clinging to hope.  I have this powerful hope of finding love again. As time marches on, my heart seems to long for love; it is a missing piece in my life. With the death of Charles, I retained my role as a mother, but I no longer have the role of a wife. This leaves a hole in my heart. I feel this hole more keenly now than ever before. It is not a hole from death or grief, it is a hole from living without a companion.

In a world where people seem almost obsessed with self-discovery, and freedom from the bonds of marriage and family, I find myself longing to lose myself in love for another person. I lose myself in the love for my children, but it is simply not the same as loving a spouse. The love of spouse, and the bonds of marriage, are a truly unique and beautiful thing. I really, really, miss it.

I recently read that I should be "whole" before I start dating again. The concept is, I should not expect another person to make me whole: I should be whole on my own. When I am whole on my own, then it would be the appropriate time to start dating. I understand the theory, and it makes a lot of sense. Dating and marriage is not easy, and going into it grief-stricken and emotionally mangled is not a very good idea: marriage is not a fix for problems. In fact, my life will become more complex upon remarriage. And yet, I am still willing to face the complexity, for the completeness, of love.

So, when will I feel like I am really whole, and ready to offer my wholeness to share with someone else?

This is a strange thing for me, because no matter how many marathons I could run, how many books I could write, how many pictures I could take, or how much service I could render, etc., there would still remain a hole in my heart.

I am whole, but I have a hole.

I am always "whole" simply because I am a daughter of God. I am complete because of the knowledge that I have, of who I really am. The emptiness that I feel is not from lack of self-esteem, or self-worth. The void will not be filled up by any amount of activities that I participate in, or miles that I run. There is simply a deep emptiness from missing out on the blessings of marriage. This emptiness grows. The hole becomes larger, demanding my attention.

I feel like no matter how whole I am, no matter how much I can accomplish in this life -- the hole will remain until it is filled with the love of a new companion. I love being in love. I love being married. I miss it terribly.

You see, part of the problem is I know how good marriage can be. I was blessed to have a loving relationship, with a very good man. Our time together was not perfect, but we sure loved each other fiercely, and enjoyed a very pleasant life full of adventure and joy. We had trials and troubles, but we would soldier through them together, and what did not kill us, made us stronger.

As I soldier on through life on my own, I find I am incredibly strong, and durable in spirit. It has been a dreadfully fantastic opportunity to find out what strength I have inside of me. But now, I feel a shift in the wind. I feel like, for me, personally, I need a companion to help me stretch and grow to my greatest capacity. I feel like I am sort of floundering, and going inward, as I remain single. This is magnified by being a single mother. I tend to my children, and then at the end of the day, I crawl into bed alone. I have gotten more used to it, for sure. But still, after 15 years of sharing a bed, being alone stinks. Being married helped me to become a better person. I am starting to feel sort of... stagnant.

There is a growing feeling in my heart that pushes me, quite forcefully, to seek out new love. It is not just hope I cling to in the love department, it is faith. I have faith that I will find new love.

I was recently given a blessing. It was back in March of this year. My dad was in town, and he gave me a Father's blessing. (A Father's blessing is counsel given from Heavenly Father, through a righteous Priesthood holder.) It is always a very sweet and precious experience to have my dad lay his hands on my head, and in reverence offer me comfort and guidance, directly from God. I had my mom listen and write down the things that she heard, so I would have a record of what was said, and what I am supposed to do. I have done this quite a few times since Charles passed away. I keep the recorded blessings in my journal, and reflect on them often.

Blessings are very personal, and are meant to be kept close to the heart. But there are a few things I would like to share here. I am only sharing what I feel is appropriate...

In the last blessing I received I was told, "A proper companion will come in directions unknown." This is very comforting to me, but also has made me very curious what "directions unknown" will mean. But the part that really stood out to me was, "You need to make yourself available, to those who are seeking you out." This counsel has had me somewhat baffled for a few reasons. I am just not sure how to even know who in the world would be seeking me out? And how in the world do I make myself available to such a person?

My mom and I both wondered at what that meant, after the blessing was over. My parents and I discussed my blessing for quite some time, as some of the blessing was quite remarkable in nature.

Along with the interesting counsel regarding my future, came the comfort. In the adventures that will be my dating life, I was told, "The Lord will help you be in the right place, at the right time." 

And that is where I cling to hope.

I try really hard to listen, and respond, to the whisperings of the Spirit: so I can be in the right place, at the right time.

One thing I know for sure: I am meant to be right here, right now. I could have left everything after Charles died, and moved to Alaska or Utah, but that just did not feel right. I know, for sure, that being here in Idaho is the right place to be.

I know I am in the right place... but the timing is out of my hands.

A proper companion will come in directions unknown.

All I have to do is figure out how to make myself available.

No pressure, right?