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My Dad is Dead


Living without a dad is hard. Sometimes I forget just how hard it is for my children. It has been almost 5 years, and each child has handled the death of their dad in a different way. They have done so beautifully, and I stand in awe of their great capacity for love, empathy, faith, and courage in the face of their difficulties.

They absolutely love their daddy! And he absolutely loves them SO much!





There are times when I can see clearly the way my children are feeling, and there are other times when I know they feel deeply about their dad, but they don't always outwardly express those feelings. As my children grow older, the dynamic of their feelings change. Just the other night, Daniel was talking about his dad to a friend, and I watched as he lit up like Christmas, as he described what a great Scoutmaster he was. Daniel loved how awesome Charles was as a leader, and it seemed like as he talked about him, he realized just how fantastic Charles really was. It was so cute to watch his face beam, as he gushed over the greatness of his dad. And in that moment, I saw Charles glowing through Daniel.

As a family, we have all experienced the great ebbing and flowing of grief and sorrow, along with joy and gladness! We do not live in a state of grief, we try to live in a state of gratitude; but sometimes there are grief-triggers that show up unexpectedly. Sometimes grief-triggers knock on the doors of our hearts, and we let them in to visit for awhile.



Last night, I came across an emotional trigger. As I was cleaning, I came across a notebook and opened it to some random thoughts that Sammi had written down last year, on April 1st, the 4 year anniversary of the day he died. It was an unexpected, yet eye-opening discovery...




Tears fell, as I felt the depth of Sammi's sweet feelings for her dad. These children have dealt with some hard stuff. They are so brave. So very brave, and courageous! Oh how I love my family! They are living life in a unique and challenging way, and they are beautiful examples to me, and I am grateful! 

One day Charles will walk through "the door," and we will all see him again. 

What a day that will be! 

To Shine, or Not to Shine?

I gave a talk in church a few weeks ago, and I would like to share it here, on my blog...
“To shine, or not to shine,” that is the question we all must ask ourselves. As followers of our Savior Jesus Christ we have a sacred duty to let our light shine, or rather, to let His light shine through us. We have made covenants to do so, and we should feel driven to fuel the fire of faith in ourselves, and in others. We should feel compelled to radiate God’s light to the world.  

Elder Uchtdorf recently stated that, “Wherever you go, no matter your circumstances, a large part of the job description of a disciple of Christ is to become a light gatherer, a light collector, and to bear that light to the world.” 

Jesus is the source of all that is light and good. The scriptures say that, “If your eye be single to my glory, your whole bodies shall be filled with light, and there shall be no darkness in you; and that body which is filled with light comprehendeth all things. Therefore sanctify yourselves that your minds become single to God, and the days will come that you shall see him; for he will unveil his face unto you.” 

The world we live in is full of a lot of noise, darkness, and distractions. There are so many things that demand and scrape for our attention, and take us away from what is really important. I could make a list, but we all have our own individual lists of distractions that pull us away from living fully enveloped, in the light of our Lord. 

If we are troubled with worldly distractions, and we do not have the Lord’s light with us, then how can we share light with others? Perhaps this is a great time for all of us to step back and reevaluate our priorities, and consider where we expend our valuable energy. The ways of the Lord gives energy, and the ways of the world depletes energy. It really is amazing how much power comes from looking to God in all things. As we more diligently keep the commandments, we can be blessed with greater capacity and strength beyond our own. 

The scriptures say that Charity is the pure love of Christ. I used to think that meant it should be natural for me to love others as Christ does. But I recently heard it said that charity is the pure love “OF” Christ. Meaning that as we focus on our love OF Christ by studying His life and teachings in the scriptures, and by drawing close to him, then we will more naturally feel His love for others, and His love will then radiate through us. With the Savior as our focus, everything else becomes more clear. As we reach for the Savior as our lighthouse in this stormy world, we become vessels of His light, capable of lighting others! 

We all know someone who just seems to radiate light. My grandma, who we call Nan, was an angel of light. She passed away this Christmas eve. During her life celebration, it was said of her that, “She never spoke a mean word about anyone.” And it was true, she was filled with kindness, love, and joy. Her heart and arms were always open to everyone throughout her 95 years on the earth, and her kindness stayed with her until her final breath, as she was more concerned about those around her, than she was herself, even as she was dying. She was an angel, and she always will be. She was such a great example of love and light, and she was a faithful follower of Jesus. 

We have this beautiful knowledge of our Savior, and His love for us, and we know of His wonderful plan of happiness for all of God’s children. What should we do with that knowledge? Well, there are many “rooftops” out there to stand on, just waiting for willing voices to shout out the glorious news of the gospel! Are we willing to climb on the roof -- on social media, at home, at work, at play, or wherever we are -- and declare our love for the Lord? 

I hope in your heart you are shouting a resounding, yes! Pick me! Pick me! Or, maybe a bit of fear creeps in at the thought of possible rejection, or ridicule? Maybe the voices of the world are too intimidating; so instead we hide our light, and the love and message of joy that we have to offer. 

But why? Why do we hesitate to share what we know to be true? Why do we bury ourselves under a bushel of fear, rather than courageously holding up our candles of faith? 

One of my favorite quotes by Tolkien is: Living by faith includes the call to something greater than cowardly self-preservation. 

Think of that! How often do we lean towards self-preservation, over a call to something so much greater like serving the Lord, and declaring his gospel? We have all recently learned, about the great young ruler who was asked to leave his worldly possessions behind and follow Jesus. What he learned -- and what we all must learn -- is that being a disciple means giving our whole souls to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. Would we be willing to give up all we have to follow the Savior? At the very least, are we willing to live our lives in such a way that those who know us, know that we follow the Savior? 

As I think of being courageous, and choosing to be brave -- over self-preservation -- I think of many of the old and modern-day superhero stories. In these stories, the heroes are required to stand up and fight against the dark forces of evil; usually against all odds. These heroes and heroines would put their very lives on the line, for the greater good, and often to save the world. Now, consider the outcome of all of the stories had the heroes and heroines decided to cower in a corner hiding, rather than taking that first step on the journey, or fighting in the battle against the darkness. All of those Happy endings would have turned into unhappily ever afters. 

The world we live in needs heroes to save the day. Jesus is the Ultimate Hero, His act of Saving the World has already been performed through the power of the Atonement. But he needs us to lift up our voices and share his gospel. It is no small task to take His name upon us, and follow Him. And it is a beautiful thing that even though he is immortal and all powerful, he still wants and needs our mortal help! 

One definition of a hero is: a warrior of special strength, courage, or ability.

We have all been blessed with unique and special spiritual gifts and abilities, that we are meant to use in the fight against the adversary. Think of the talents and abilities you have been blessed with, and consider how you can use those talents to share your light! Perhaps look to your Patriarchal blessing for some guidance. The talents we share do not need to be earth-shaking, or draw a lot of attention, to make a tremendous difference. As the hobbit Frodo was told, “Even the smallest person can change the course of the future.” 

Maybe that small person is you. 

We are part of the greatest story ever written of good versus evil. The world needs courageous and righteousness girls and boys, men and women willing to stand up for what they believe in. The Lord needs us to do what we have been sent to this earth, at this time, to do. As we offer our spiritual gifts, even our spiritual superpowers to the Lord, he can magnify and increase our efforts. He can make us equal to the things we are called to do. We have all been called to be warriors, to be heroes! We are not fighting with swords and armor, we are fighting with faith, hope, and charity. We have all been invited to come, and follow Him. 

How can we confidently reach for the light, with so much darkness in the world? The fog of fear and anxiety seems to be closing in around us at an unprecedented rate, so how can we find the courage to keep pressing forward in these latter days before the Savior returns?

President Monson said: 

It is often difficult to be different and to stand alone in a crowd. It is natural to fear what others might think or say. Comforting are the words of the psalm: “The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?” As we make Christ the center of our lives, our fears will be replaced by the courage of our convictions.

Life is perfect for none of us, and at times the challenges and difficulties we face may become overwhelming, causing our light to dim. However, with help from our Heavenly Father, coupled with support from others, we can regain that light which will illuminate our own path once again and provide the light others may need. 

It is not always easy to see the light in our lives, let alone share it. I believe we all have times in our lives when we feel in the dark and all alone. There was a time where I felt very much weighed down by intense grief, sorrow, and loneliness just a few years after my husband, Charles, died. I cried many tears into my pillow and sometimes I would weep on the floor of my closet, as I was consumed with the loss of my eternal companion. I am very well acquainted with the depth of pain that comes from soul-stretching moments. 

I have known dark times when it was hard to see the light, tears have been my close friends, I have wandered through the fog of anxieties and fear of the future. But with the help of my Savior, I was able to see and feel the Light again, despite such great loss and overwhelming grief. As the Les Mis song states, “Even the darkest night will end, and the sun will rise.” 

As my grief seemed to consume every aspect of my life, I needed to find some help and healing, I had a craving for greater light in my life. In a moment of desperation I opened The Book of Mormon and read a passage in Ether: I read how The Brother of Jared prepared vessels to travel across the ocean, but there was no source of light in those vessels. They needed light for their journey, so they did not have to endure in darkness. 

The Brother of Jared gathered stones as a light source option and then offering the stones to the Lord he cried out:  “I know, O Lord, that thou hast all power, and can do whatsoever thou wilt for the benefit of man; therefore touch these stones, O Lord, with thy finger, and prepare them that they may shine forth in darkness; and they shall shine forth unto us in the vessels which we have prepared, that we may have light while we shall cross the sea.” The Lord heard his cries, touched the stones, and illuminated the vessels for the journey with His light. 

As I read this passage, I had a strong impression that I, too, needed to ask for the Lord to touch the vessels of my mind, heart, and spirit, and to ask for Him to fill me with light. I began to pray daily that the Lord would be that light for me as I desperately drew closer to him. I turned to The Book of Mormon with a new plan of using it as a tool for healing. Instead of just reading it daily as a task, I read it daily as a treasure, and with trust -- TRUST -- that The Book of Mormon really does have the power to heal, when used in such a diligent and heartfelt way. 

I also turned my time and attention to the temple and I began to attend frequently. I did not just go to the temple, I relied on and trusted the power that comes from the temple as a place of healing. Over time the vessels of my heart, mind, and spirit began to be full of light— the Light that comes from the Lord. And the sorrow and grief that once consumed me, became less of a dominate force in my life, and I have come to know and rely on my Savior, in a way I had never known or felt before. 

I wanted to share this personal experience, because I firmly believe that as we make the Savior the real focus of our lives — when He is a priority above all other things— He stands waiting to fill us full of His all-encompassing light and love -- no matter the trials we are passing through, he is always there! And as we focus on His light, then His light will naturally shine through our vessels, and we can radiate His love to those around us. If life gets too busy to make time for Jesus, then life is TOO busy... and some thing needs to change. The Savior is what life is all about! 

In the Doctrine and Covenants we read, “The word of the Lord is truth, and whatsoever is truth is light, and whatsoever is light is Spirit, even the Spirit of Jesus Christ.” 

Elder Ucthdorf stated, This profound insight -- that light is spirit, which is truth, and that this light shines upon every soul who comes into the world -- is as important as it is hopeful. The Light of Christ enlightens and saturates the souls of all who hearken to the voice of the Spirit. The Light of Christ fills the Universe. It fills the earth. And it can fill your heart."

Jesus said, “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 

Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. 

For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. 

The definition of the word “Burden” is something that is carried. Jesus’s yoke is easy, because he is a carrier of light. Jesus is not weighed down as we come to Him weak and weary, His “burden” is literally to carry Light. Jesus is the Light of the World. He can light you, and he can light me. 

The song from the movie Tangled sums up what it is like to come to Christ. 

And at last I see the light
And its like the fog has lifted
And at last I see the light
And it’s like the sky is new
And it’s warm and real and bright
And the World has somehow shifted
All at once everything looks different
Now that I see you. 

Jesus is the light. He is the way. May he fill our vessels full of light, so we can shine forth in the darkness. One day, we will all dwell in a place of perfect brightness, with our Heavenly Father and Savior, in our glorious Heavenly Home. 

I know God lives, Jesus is the Christ.  

Make It A Good One


This last month has been full and fast-paced. It has been full of beautiful moments, along with some very sacred experiences. Each day seems to bring new moments of adventure, along with new challenges; and that is as it should be. Sometimes life is lived in small simple moments, and other times the moments are more sweeping and life-changing. Life is just a series of miraculous moments tied together by the strands of time. So, as my Nan used to always say, "Make it a good one." 


One life-changing moment happened on Christmas Eve. My sweet grandma Nan died. She was 95 years young. She died gracefully at her home, her mortal heart began to fail her, but she was full of love and kindness, to the very end. She was such a perfect example of loving others, no matter what. I will love her forever and ever, and I will always remember her glowing example, as she set the foundation of love upon which I now stand. I hope to carry just a portion of her love with me, as I live my life to the fullest! I am sure she is happy with all of her loved ones on the other side of the veil. I am sure she and Charles have played at least a few games together. I can still hear her sweet melodic laugh. Oh Nan, how I love you SO MUCH! 


Christmas was a little different as we processed our feelings about Nan. It was also a bit rushed as we hurried to make it to Utah so we could be with family and enjoy her life celebration. It was still a beautiful Christmas time, full of love and light, and family. 


A sweet friend gave me this beautiful picture of Jesus.
Henry was so excited about Christmas. He is at the perfect age for excitement and magic. 




On Christmas morning, William woke up early and was very sick. It was pretty sad, but he recovered enough to enjoy Christmas for the most part. 

 Sammi was super excited about her Jane Austen books.

She also loves her "Comfy." She wears it a lot when she reads, and she also wears it to bed sometimes. 
 Daniel got a melodica... it makes a very interesting sound.

After Christmas, we traveled to Utah and stayed at my brother's house. All of my siblings were able to make it to celebrate Nan (we are all in the picture at the top of the Blog), and it was SO good to see all of them! It is rare that we can all be together, so it was a wonderful gift from Nan to bring us together for the holidays!
 A bunch of girls... Joy, Sammi, Beppy, Kary, Mari, Katie, Amy, Mindy.



I went running with my sister, Kary. It was cold, but refreshing to run with my sister. We started running together way back in the day, when I was 17, and we both still love it! 

A bunch of cute girls.
 Lots of love all around.

 We went to my Uncle's house for a big family gathering.

Gathering for the Funeral services.
Nan had a life celebration, it was short and sweet. She did not want a big fuss to be made over her, but we all wanted to celebrate her life and love. There were so many family and friends who came to show their love for her!
 Waiting together.
 Hugs from Katie-Lady

Kary and Mari 

My baby brother John 

I loved being surrounded by family!
 Nan was buried in the Salt Lake City Cemetery
There is something special about being smooshed together as family.

The graveside service was short and sweet. It was very cold, and my Dad did a lovely job of dedicating the grave.
My children were processing a lot of emotions since they had never attended a funeral other than their dad's life celebration. But we never had a viewing for him, they did not want to attend his burial, and so they never saw Charles' casket. (Except for in pictures on my blog.) So, seeing Nan's casket caused some strong feelings for everyone. I felt a great peace, but I allowed my real and raw feelings to just flow freely through me. I am learning better how to do that with time. The more we hold our feelings back, the more pain it causes, so I try to embrace whatever I am feeling when I feel it. It seems to help, for the most part. Tears are very healing.
Wiping away tears.

LOVE!


Nan was SO loved!
We drove through downtown Salt Lake.
And saw the temple.
We had lots of time loving and hugging each other.
We had a family concert where everyone took a turn singing, because that is just what we do.

Sammi with Baby Joy

I love this quote...
We celebrated Charles' birthday on January 4th. 

Sammi spent a lot of time preparing for auditions for the musical Cinderella. 
 
I absolutely LOVE this quote... Who do you worship? God? Or the problem? Remember God is bigger than all of the problems in the world! 

Daniel (age 15) was ordained a Priest, and William (age 11) was ordained a deacon with the newly announced youth advancement changes. Now Daniel will be able to baptize William when they go to do baptisms at the temple, how awesome is that!? After Daniel was ordained by my dad, Daniel then ordained William, it was a very special moment for our family. I sure love all of the changes that are happening in the church, I love the hastening of the work! Bring it on! 

I went to the temple with my parents. I enjoyed our time together! It was nice to be able to have some time in the Celestial room where we could chat about everything openly. My parents have some profound insights when it comes to the temple, and I appreciate learning from their wisdom. 

Another good quote...

Just some random pictures from a high school dance night.

The inside of the Capitol Building.


Sammi got the part of Cinderella in the musical at her high school! The musical is going to be amazing! It is not the simple Disney story, it is much more in-depth, witty, and fun! She worked so hard to be ready for the part, and now she is working hard memorizing her lines and music. She is loving every minute of it! The show is going to be awesome! We are all so excited for you Sammi!

This is how we celebrated her getting the lead role -- with a pumpkin roll! He, he. Did I mention Sammi will be carrying a pumpkin on stage at one point? I mean, how awesome is that?! Sammi as a Princess, holding a pumpkin on stage! How does life get any better? I am sure I don't know!


This book. I love it. I love to read from it everyday, often, throughout the day. This book has changed my life, and I am so grateful!


Make it a good life!