My Fear of Dating as a Widow

I am scared to let someone love me again. As I try to open my heart to dating as a widow, I find that I have some pretty thick walls built up over time. My walls have been put there, by me, for my protection and safety. I have built the mighty fortress -- along with some moats, and a dragon -- to protect my real feelings. I just want to keep out the thing I fear the most. 

What do I fear? 

Getting hurt. 

Again. 

I am so afraid of having my heart ripped to pieces, and tossed into the fire, of burning rejection. I am so afraid of falling for someone, only to have it end with me falling on my bed, with my face drenched in tears. I am terrified to share my real and unguarded self -- the full me, the broken me, the no moats and dragon me -- with another human soul. I am scared to pull back the bandages covering the scars I've acquired, from walking through the hell of grief and sorrow. 

I am worried, that if I allow myself to really love again, I will be setting myself up to lose again. 

I mean, how much can my heart handle, really? 

I don't know? 

But my biggest fear of all would be, finding that I have become unlovable. As a widow, I have had to become such an emotionally-solid brick wall. I have had to be tough, strong, resilient, brave, courageous, and fearless for myself, and for my children. The thought of allowing cracks of vulnerability in my heart, makes me want to find a cement truck and trowel, to fill the gaps of weakness, and fortify my defenses.  

I know I need to be more vulnerable, but I do not know how? 

At least not in a relationship. 

After losing love once, I simply do not know if I can handle that kind of heartbreak again, possibly multiple times, during the dating process. Taking a step into the dating world, feels like taking a step into an emotional boxing ring. 

Am I really ready to take such an overly-exposed beating to my heart? 

Or, will dating help my heart to start really beating again? 

Either way, I have thrown myself into the dating boxing ring to find out. 

Am I crazy? 

Over the last few years, I have had interactions with men, mostly online, but some in person. I have taken some small steps of allowing myself to connect with other men, men that are not Charles. (Do you know how weird it is, to still be married for eternity to someone, while trying to date?) This in and of itself is a strange and hard thing to do. There are so many mixed emotions, while trying to open my heart in such a new and uncomfortable way. 

But I am getting there. 

I think? 

Actually, I have been on a date. A real date. A really good date. 

I will have to tell you about it some time. 

But not this time. 

I will say, the date(s) opened my eyes and heart to exciting feelings that have been buried, and dragon protected, for a very long time. But it also opened up fears and worry -- new fears -- that I have not felt before. It is interesting how often excitement and fear hang out together. At this point, excitement and fear are skipping through my heart, holding hands as friends, but I know they could quickly turn on each other.  

Is that vulnerability I feel? 

Where is the emotional cement truck when I need it?! 

You see, another strange side effect of widowhood, is how self-aware I have become. After Charles died, all of my insecurities dropped on my lap, to be sorted through, like dirty laundry. My weaknesses have kind of haunted me, and I often wonder if someone else would be willing to step into my flawed life, with a bonus package of my crazy family. (And don't forget the fire-breathing dragon. Though if you feed the dragon chocolate, it is less hostile.) 

Sure, sometimes I post nice pictures on my blog, and we can look like a cute group of people, if we put in some effort. But I often leave out all the "middle bits" of the mundane, and drudgery, that would sum up a real day, in the life of our family. Even if I share a somewhat balanced view on my blog, nothing compares to the real life chaos, that exists in the day-to-day living in our home. 

Anyway, my point is, my house is full of flawed people. We are nuts. We are loud, obnoxious, and everyone in this house has lived through trauma, death, and loss of a loved one. 

Flaws. Weakness. Baggage. Dirty laundry. 

And vulnerability oozing out all over the place. 

But you know, Charles was flawed too. Even though he is a saintly angel now, he was not always so angelic in the flesh. He had weaknesses just like the rest of us, and I loved him for it. He loved me, despite my dirty laundry list of weaknesses. We shared our flaws together, and loved each other -- because we were flawed -- not because we were perfect. I believe it is somewhere in the sharing of those vulnerabilities and weaknesses that love is found, trust is felt, and something beautiful is created. 

I want that again. 

It is strange that the thing I want the most, is also the thing I fear the most. (There is that getting out of my comfort zone thing... again. Dang it.)

I do believe in being vulnerable. I am just scared of it right now. Because I have already felt so much pain. And I do not really like pain, even though I know it is purifying. 

Pain hurts. I do not like to hurt. But not having love hurts, too. So, I already have pain. But what if I could have joy, with the pain? What if pain and joy could exist, at the same time? What if pain and joy could be friends? What if pain and joy could be lovers? 

Hmmmmm....

Perhaps, with the right person, I would breakdown my fortress walls, drain the moat, and set free the dragon. 

Love might just be worth the risk of emotional exposure. 

One day, my prince will come. 

And when he does, I hope he has a sense of humor, and some emotional dynamite. 

He is going to need it.  

P.S. The picture of me was taken right before my first date as a widow. The smile is hiding the intensity of fear that I was feeling in that moment. 

The Path of Life is Never Straight

Life is always changing. Plans are often altered. Purposefully taken paths are sometimes just detours, to unexpected locations. I know we are meant to be prepared for unforeseen events, so that we do not need to fear. But I think what that means is, we need to be prepared for constant and continuous change, because change is the only thing that is certain. And if we can live with a "change is good" way of thinking, maybe some of the fear of the unknown can be enveloped in greater faith in a bright future... no matter what happens.

Somehow, if we can plan for continuous and unexpected change, somewhere within that mindset, I believe, is a sense of peace and freedom. What I am trying to say is to simply "plan" for change, because change is inevitable in life. I am trying to learn to have a more "go with the flow" kind of mentality, because it is either that, or I will lose my mind, because life keeps changing so quickly!

I would prefer to keep my sanity, thank you.

So, in the last post, I wrote about signing-up for online dating. Well, after a very short time, I realized quickly, it is not for me. It just isn't. Have you ever seen the video called "Wrong Roads," by Elder Holland? For me, online dating felt like going down that wrong road. And the wrong road made the right road become more clear to me. But I had to go down that wrong road, to show me that I do not need to go down that path... there is another path for me to take.

I knew, quickly, that I should turn around, and head in a different direction.

I wrote about it on my Widow and Widowers Facebook page. I post on that site often, because it is a place where the feedback is from people who fully understand the path I travel as a widow. At first, I wanted nothing to do with the Widow/ers site, because I did not like the thought of being part of a "labeled group."

But then, somewhere along the way, I realized that being a widow is not a label: it is a Superhero status!

I feel it is being a part of a group like the Justice League, or the Avengers. And you better believe I want to be part of that action! I draw so much strength from my fellow Widows and Widowers, who fight so valiantly, each and every day. I wish everyone could take a glimpse inside this World of Widowhood Warriors, so they could see just how strong and brave these people really are, while battling the darkness that threatens to destroy them.

Please, if you know anyone who has lost their spouse, oh please, please, please... reach out to them in love! Even Superheroes need love, and especially support, so they can carry on dealing with their monstrously difficult duties, that they often must face alone.

So, here is my updated plan for my life... and just so you know, the plan could change at any time. ;)

That is right. I am going to date myself, and my children.

And I could not feel better about it!

So, onto pictures from life...

Sammi and Daniel went to a Star Wars themed youth dance. They had a great time. They are always up for dressing-up and having fun with friends.

Daniel is preparing for his role as Quasimodo in his upcoming concert. We pulled his costume together. It is based off of the stage musical, not the Disney cartoon. He is really getting his song down, and it should be a great concert of all Disney music! Fun!

The biggest brother, and the littlest brother. They actually look a lot like each other. Daniel's friends think Henry is a mini version of him. I love it when they smile and laugh together. I always think, well, Henry may not have a Daddy in the home, but he does have a Danny. :)

I wanted to share this picture, so you know what scripture study looks like at the van Ormer house. If you are looking for an Ensign picture-perfect family, you have come to the wrong house. I do not think the scripture message quite sunk into their hearts!

It is not just the boys who wrestle! Sammi gets in there with the boys, and shows them what it means to wrestle like a girl! She is fast, furious, and feisty, and I love it!

 Brother-pile on Sammi!

 Love is spoken here. ;)

 Speaking of love... my parents sent me these cool projectors that have slides for all seasons.

We are sporting our Valentine hearts now. They are so cute! I love it! Thanks Mom and Dad!

 William had his final Pinewood Derby. He was super excited about it.

 Henry is hanging with his friend Kellen. They loved watching the car race.

 William loves cars, and building, and so building a car was super fun for him.

Our friend, Tyson, spent his precious time, and helped William make his car. They got 3rd place! Woo Hoo! Teamwork makes the dream work! :)

 William was super happy to win a medal.

 Henry likes to play with playdough. I found his creativity sticking on the wall.

 I love it when the sun shines through the window.

 I also love it when there are drops of rain on the trees.

On the same night as the Pinewood derby, Daniel had a Barbershop competition. Their group got fourth place, but they were competing with high schoolers. They were the first place group out of the junior high competitors. I missed the performance for the Pinewood Derby, but Sammi went to show family support, and she said it was awesome. Daniel is obsessed with Barbershop music. He listens to it all the time.

 My herbal tea is speaking truth to me again...

 I keep getting this message... hmmmmm???

We have had some sickness in our house lately. Coughing and chills. No fun. But it is that time of year. Henry looks especially cute when he is sick.

 Sickness sleep.

Henry is my travel buddy. I spend a lot of time going to and from places during the day. I am grateful for good music to keep me going as I drive.

 You know Henry is sick when he lays on the couch. He almost never just lays still like that.

Sometimes Sammi joins me in my bed to talk. She comes in to snuggle with me, and we talk about everything... especially boys. I sure love my Sammi. I am not sure what I will do when she goes to college. I will miss having another girl in the house. I am very aware that she will need her freedom, and I will be her most ardent supporter as she starts to spread her wings, and fly away from home. But still... oh, my heart hurts if I think about her leaving. I try not to think about it too much. I will refer again to that "go with the flow" life attitude, as I take life as it comes. Because who knows what will happen between now and then?

 Everyone is just kind of burnt out lately. They do so much, and then come home and rest.

 Daniel was watching a little Star Wars during his resting time.

Henry loves to build his Legos. He got some sets for Christmas, and he rebuilds them almost every day. It is so cute to watch him use the manual and follow the directions. Can you tell this little guy is sick? Poor thing.

I am starting to get my Valentine's stuff out to decorate the house. I love making our home a little extra special for the holidays.

I keep running on my trails.

And just like the twisting and turning trails I run on, life has proven to be full of unexpected paths. The paths have brought me to places I never thought I would go. And I am becoming someone different, than I ever thought I would become.

And I am good with that.

Keep moving forward in life, because moving backwards isn't an option.

Onward!

Would I Press the "Flirt Button" for Charles?

I signed-up for online dating. Eek! This may sound exciting, but so far, for me, it is not! The world of online dating is not a magical land of available, manly, attractive, dreamboats. Maybe it sounds romantic to have a second chance at finding love, but I assure you the process is far more brutal than beautiful, at least as far as the online dating services go.

LDSPlanet is far from a pairing-off paradise. It seems to me more like a land of dating desolation. Sure, I have only been on there for 3 days. (I am not a very patient person.) But it just feels so against my nature to pursue someone in such an impersonal kind of way. I am attracted to an approachable personality, not a puffed-up profile picture. Therefore, online dating is going against all of my natural inclinations of seeking out what is attractive to me. A stale picture of a smug-looking man, does nothing for my eyes, or my heart.

As I have scrolled through some of the profiles, I look at these guys, and I wonder... would I have been able to pick Charles out of the crowd? I wonder if I saw just his picture, and a few profile words, would I click the "flirt" button? Would I send him a personal message to start a conversation? Or would I just pass him by, because it would just be another impersonal picture, without his sparkling personality shining through?

I don't know? 

I really don't know if I would be able to pick him out of a crowd of pictures, without knowing his charm and charisma in person.

But then again, as I scrolled through some of his pictures on my blog, I realized how attractive Charles is to me, even in just a picture. Maybe it is because I see more than just a picture. I see all the years, all the love, and I know what was happening in the moment the picture was taken.

But I also see... him.

And he was (is) a beautiful, beautiful, man.

And you know, I do think that, YES! I would definitely flirt with him! Even if all I saw was a picture!

Maybe there is still hope for this strange online dating world... ??

So, here is a little glimpse into LDSPlanet... I blurred the pictures for privacy. So far, all I have done is delete every single guy, and I have not found anyone I want to reach out to either. Yeah, fun times. I have heard that some fellow widows and widowers have had success in the online dating world, so I am not giving up quite yet, but I have serious doubts that I will be able to find someone in such a way.

I am putting myself out there however I can. If God wants to put someone special in my path, I certainly hope my eyes (and heart) will be open to the opportunity. I am also just putting myself out there, and I am hoping God will see and bless my efforts, maybe in ways I cannot even imagine or understand at this time. I know (I was told in a blessing) that I am not meant to be alone in this life.

And so, I feel I have to do my part to search.

I never planned on being a single, widowed, mother of 4 at such a young age, but here I am. And so, here I am, trying to date while raising my family. I know that nothing is impossible with God. I am glad I know that, or else this would all feel quite impossible.

Wish me luck!

As I scrolled through my blog to find pictures of Charles, I realized again, just how much I love him, and how good-looking he is to me.

And you know what is really attractive?

I love to see pictures of Charles in action as a dad.

If more guys had pictures of themselves doing quality things with their children, then that would make the online search a lot more pleasant for me. Being a good dad is a really attractive thing about a man. It is so much more attractive than, say, a smug mugshot taken in the mirror.

Ick.

So, for my viewing pleasure, I thought I would show some glorious pictures of my Charles. And I also want to assure you that I will always love him. And I mean always! But, I also know that my heart is capable of loving him, and someone else at the same time.

Don't ask me how it is possible. I just know that it is possible.

And my heart is now open to such a possibility!

Isn't fatherhood so attractive...?  ;)

Courage to Get Uncomfortable

I talk a lot about courage. The fact is, I am a wimp! Yep, it is true. I have often been immobilized by my own fears. But over the years, I have learned that courage is never the absence of fear, but the willingness to face it. And that is where I am in my life right now. I am more willing to step-up and face my fears head-on. The more I face fear, the less fear I feel, the more courageous I become. 

It is kind of a beautiful process. 

I recently bought a book called, "Step Outside Your Comfort Zone." I have enjoyed the book so far. It is a book full of motivational short stories of people willing to face their fears and jump out of their comfort zones. We all have our comfort zones, or the things that keep us from being totally brave. But our dreams all exist outside of our comfort zones, so sometimes risks need to be taken to see what is possible. 

One of my favorite quotes from the book is, "Courage is a love affair with the unknown." 

Another favorite is, "The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek." 

How fantastic, right? 

Is it worth it to be brave? So far in my life, I would have to say, "Yes!"

I have made some new "goals" for this year. They are simple and sweet. Because that is about all I can handle right now. 

My goals are: I want to do something really fun once a month. And I "want" to do something really scary once a month. 

For example, something scary could be: climbing a rock wall, riding a horse, singing a solo in church, etc. And fun things, well... the list of fun is endless, but I need to PLAN to do at least one fun thing a month, or else I just won't do it. I figure it will give me "something to look forward to" with the fun thing. And "something to overcome" by facing the scary thing. 

There must be balance to life, right? 

Right. 

So, onto some random life pictures... 

Here is Sammi loving on her panda from Christmas. She decided to name him Jack Black. Oh yeah. I know this is weird, but when Jack Black is not being weird, I actually think he is attractive. Sammi thinks so too. 

It has become a tradition over the years, to get a big stuffed animal on Christmas. The pile is getting a little ridiculous, so I am not sure how much longer the tradition will last!

The kids got a lot of music books for Christmas, and some are still coming in the mail. Now we have got some really good stuff to sing and play! Woo!

Sammi was helping Daniel prepare for his tryout, for an upcoming benefit concert at school. He had to tryout with the song, "Love is an Open Door." He could really rock that song because it was right in his range. We are really working with Daniel to set free the "whine" in his singing. It is coming along nicely. His voice is so big and powerful for being so young. It will be interesting to see how his voice develops over time. And to think, he did not even want to join choir. And neither did Sammi. Ha!

I went on a date with this cute boy. We went to see The Greatest Showman. I really loved it. At one point, I was so sucked into the music, I forgot I was at a movie theater. I was just there, in the moment, and that has not happened in a long time. At the end of the movie the audience actually clapped. It was that good. It was so fun to watch it with Daniel. He was a great date.

 I figure the best way to teach him how to treat girls, is for him to take me on dates for practice.

 We went to the Crepe place by the movie theater.

 This sign is truth.

 Yum!

 Crepes are good.

Speaking of teenagers. I LOVE my calling of teaching the youth. It is the best! I posted one of my object lessons on a Widow/ers Facebook site I belong to... 

Last week I had the kids in my class teach the lesson about Heavenly Father. They split into groups and did a great job. I asked their permission to take their pictures. :) 

 I am so lucky, I get to teach my Sammi! I absolutely love everyone in my class. They are amazing! (Some of my students were missing that day, and I missed them!)

Another post from FB... I figure I better put them on my blog, because I think they eventually disappear on the W/W page. 

William wanted to show how tall he is getting. These boys of mine! Seriously! It is so funny, because Charles was not a big guy, but his boys are beastly! Oh well, I am not complaining. They are good for manual labor and protection. Sammi is a tough girl too, and I love that.  

Sammi showing off her strength. She still likes to beat the boys arm-wrestling at school. Though some of the boys are catching up to her strength now that they are older.

I have been running and pounding the pavement still. It has been nice and mild outside, and I am grateful.

I have done more TaeBo than running though, and I have enjoyed a change in pace. I am so grateful to feel strong and healthy again. What a blessing! 

 The kids have been working out too. They were doing a finger joust or something? I dunno?

 Watching Shrek the Musical. Such a good show with awesome music.

Daniel got the part he was hoping for in the benefit concert. He wanted to be Quasimodo from the stage musical of Hunchback of Notre Dame. He is performing the song, "Out There." It should be good. He gets to belt it out in his higher range, so he is a happy guy.

Sammi has been practicing tap-dancing. The high school is putting on the show Anything Goes. It should be a good production. I hope my wood floor can handle all the practicing!

I read this scripture on a day I really needed it. I love the phrase, "Swallowed up in the joy of Christ." How beautiful is that? I just love it.

 I also love this quote...

And, finally, here is another post I wrote on the Widow/ers Facebook page. Yes, I know, I can be a little feisty. But do you know how happy I am to feel feisty again? I have been docile for far too long!

And along with the post, I would like to put it out there...

I am open to dating! 

So, if you know anyone who you think would qualify as a "Superman" please let me know.

Thanks! ;)