Being sad is not for me. I like being happy. So that is what I choose.
Sure we absolutely miss Charles, and we feel moments of sadness -- but it is not all-consuming. In fact, I have had moments of pure happiness where I just want to squeal in delight. Sometimes the joy that fills my soul is so intense that I fear I might burst into a million joyful pieces. My happiest moments have been spent in the company of others, giving service, and being served. If I have felt sad it is in moments when I am doing none of those things.
I have felt the Spirit of Christ this year. And it feels wonderful.
So, speaking of feelings...
A few weeks ago we went to temple square. It was the first time I had been back since the spring visit with Charles, the week before he died (see post: HERE). I do not avoid places of memory or deep feelings, I actually run to them. I want to go and feel. I have discovered a strange thing about myself... I am not afraid to feel deeply.
While at temple square I had a chance to embrace some of those deep feelings. I remembered some of the conversations that Charles and I had in the spring. Everyone else had left early, but Charles and I lingered so I could take some pictures. We had some important time alone. While strolling the temple grounds we discussed a dream that had been pressing on his mind. (Read about his dream: HERE.) Charles was walking around with the clot in his leg. It was burning and aching, and he was not himself, he was tired and in pain. It was the clot that worked its way up to his lungs, and ended his mortal life. I had no idea then that it would be the last time spent at temple square together. I had no idea then that my life was going to change completely in a matter of days. I had no idea Charles was going to die, and leave me a widow.
My mind filled with memory as I walked the temple grounds a few weeks ago. But I did not cry. I actually felt joy. I am learning better how to feel deeply, but live in the moment. Being at the temple was a happy moment.
I am generally pretty durable and rarely cry or lose it in public, but there are moments when the spirit touches my heart so strongly that all I can do is cry. I don't particularly like losing it in front of a crowd -- or even friends and family -- but I enjoy having my heart touched with overwhelming emotion. It makes me feel amazing, even when it hurts. Of course it hurts, my spirit is being exercised and stretched, just like the muscles experience when physically pushed to their limits. The more I am stretched spiritually, the stronger my spirit gets. That is true for everyone. It is not easy, or even fun, but it is why we are here. You can try to run from getting spiritual exercise, but good luck with that!
I will not pretend that it does not hurt with great intensity to feel so much all the time now, but I can feel myself growing. I find myself grateful for some of my personality traits and quirks that I did not understand very well before now. From the time I was a little girl I used to pick up heavy objects and see how far I could carry them, just for fun. I recall picking up a huge tree stump and hauling it on my back and walking the shoreline of a lake until I could not carry it anymore. I just wanted to test my strength. Now I know what I was doing... I was preparing for my future. I was preparing to carry a heavy burden on my shoulders.
I do carry a heavy burden. But I get stronger everyday, and with Jesus my burden has been made light. I am in awe of that reality, actually. When I think of Jesus' light, I think about how light he has allowed me to feel, despite the trial I have faced. His light can blast away all darkness and despair, if you allow Him in, and let Him dry your tears.
I really believe that crying is not a bad thing, and feeling deeply is not a bad thing. It makes me feel alive and is far superior to feeling numb. Sometimes I think it would be better if we all embrace our feelings more and allow them to flow through us, rather than fight against them. It is kind of like relaxing on a roller-coaster ride. It does not feel natural, but if you just calm down and breathe, the experience is so much more enjoyable than if you panic, or tense-up. We are meant to feel things in this life -- joy and pain, and everything in between. It is good to feel. Trust me, feeling something is better than feeling nothing!
The Savior can help you through it all. Even if you feel numb.
With that being said, I have been enjoying this holiday season, and all that it has had to offer. There are times when I really wish Charles was with me, but right when I think that, I am reassured that he is with me. We may be physically separated, but we are not spiritually separated. When I say things like, "I feel him near," I am not just saying it, I know he is near. If you have experienced the death of a loved one, you know the feeling. And it is powerful.
I have prayed that this will be the happiest Christmas ever, and that Charles will be permitted to be with us, more than normal. Charles loves Christmas. Most of the year he was super-frugal, but at Christmas he knew how to do it right. He loved the magic of Christmas, as much as I do. I know he will be with us, and I anticipate feeling deeply -- especially on Christmas Eve. I am looking forward to it! Tears and all!
There have been so many acts of kindness shown to our family. Someone is doing the 12 days of Christmas for us (I will blog about that later), and it just makes our day! Just having others extend a hand of love and kindness is uplifting and so meaningful to our family. I cannot express to you how much it means, and what joy it brings to me, and especially the children! To those of you who have shown love to us... THANK YOU!
May the Spirit of Christ fill your heart this Christmas, as it has mine.
It's time to let Him in and feel.
Merry Christmas!
Here are some pictures from our time at temple square a few weeks ago...
