The Bumpy Roads We Travel

The check engine light came on in our van. We were on our way out the door on Sunday to make some cupcake deliveries, when the light flashed on the dashboard. I stopped the car and found the car manual to discover that the light was a "malfunction" light -- likely transmission or engine issues. I decided we should turn around and try our other car.

The "other car" has been sitting idle for the last six months. I have started it a few times, but I have not driven it -- it was Charles' car. It is the same car that he had started on April 1st to drive to work, but luckily he did not drive away in it that morning -- or else his story could have been far more traumatic than it was.

After we loaded everyone -- and the cupcakes -- in the small car, I turned the key to find it was making a horrible ticking noise. My heart sunk. Feeling completely disappointed, we unloaded everyone and went back inside the house, where I asked everyone to give me a minute so I could release some frustration and try and figure out what to do. Both of our vehicles are malfunctioning. The feeling of panic that came over me was intense -- I have places to go, and children that need to be where they need to be.

I felt simply overwhelmed. I have just finished healing-up Henry's medical emergencies, and now this? Really? 

Car issues were always Charles' domain -- not mine.

I sat for a minute, with tears beginning to fall, and then I started contacting people for help. (I hate asking for help.) I have sweet friends that are far too good to me, who were willing to help with my children's transportation needs.

I then prayed about what I should do next, and I felt prompted to call my sister. She answered and we talked. I unleashed my fury of tears on her, and she cried with me. And that is what I needed.

While I was on the phone, a lovely lady from church had stopped by with some insanely good chocolate and carmel treats, and a book. She said she felt prompted to bring those things to me. She was inspired, no doubt.

After I got off the phone, the kids and I decided to walk to our friends house to deliver the cupcakes. We enjoyed a walk in the dark and fresh air, and we ended up staying with our friends for a few hours chatting about life and things. It is amazing how just talking can help lift your spirit. We did not want to intrude on our friends, but we kind of did want to intrude -- we needed them.

On our way home we walked in the dark, and the wind was blowing just right. We could feel Charles near. The wind grew more intense as we got closer to our house. We all put our arms out and got a hug from daddy. Right after we walked in the door, it started to rain hard and it rained most of the night.

Everyone went to bed, and I contacted another friend about a mechanic, who I have an appointment with tomorrow.

So, I learned something from this experience.

At first I was very frustrated and full of fear. I began to wonder, "why me, why now?" Can't I have a little breather in between some of these trials?

Nope.

I feel like I am walking through the Refiner's Fire, and it seems as though the refining process is reaching a climax -- one that may, or may not, decrease in pressure. All I want is happiness and hope, and yet I have to find these things in the midst of really challenging circumstances. I am being tested to see if I really can be happy while facing adversity. I preach it all the time -- do I really believe it?

Yes.

Despite my circumstances, I can still choose happiness and hope.

I will survive this. The car will be fixed. It will be OK. I just have to do what it takes to make it happen.

I also realized how much I need people. I could have sat in my house and not reached out for help from anyone, and we could have remained wallowing in our own despair as a family. But instead we pushed through it, and walked when we could not ride to deliver our treats, and it was worth the effort. I also was inspired to call someone to talk with, so I would not feel alone. And I needed to ask for help with getting the kids where they need to go. And help to find a mechanic. All of these things took action and a willingness to ask, and the action and asking made all the difference -- rather than just sitting around and crying about how life is not fair.

People are good, by the way. Oh, so, good. I am just learning how wonderful people really are.

This morning my sister sent me a talk with this quote in it by Elder Faust, he said:

As problems and difficulties have come in my life, I have tried to face them as best I could, relying more on the help of our Heavenly Father than the comfort from tears. I learned the lesson that life’s burdens don’t seem to be so great if we don’t allow ourselves to get paralyzed into a stupor of inactivity by our sorrow and pain. As children of our Heavenly Father, we should learn to be happy, to trust in Him, and to not be afraid.

I could tell that I was close to being "paralyzed into a stupor of inactivity." Fear and worry were trying to creep their nasty way in, after being confronted with a fresh new set of trials. Sitting on the couch and crying for a few hours sounded like a pretty good idea to me. But I was told to get up, and get busy solving the problem. And that made all the difference in the world. (And those chocolatey-carmel bars helped too!) ;)

When you are bummed-out, the best thing to do is get your bum up! 

The road of life is not a smooth ride. It is full of bumps and detours along the way, that we do not want, or expect. But if we listen carefully to the Spirit, we can be guided on how best to maneuver our way through the challenges. 

My cars are both still broken. I do not know the outcome of this story, yet. But I do know that somehow, someway... 

It will work out! 

The Lord works in mysterious ways... this I know for sure!  

I know that trials can be turned into miracles. 

I have hope. 

And hope is a powerful thing. 

Handling the Hard Stuff

There is always something. Life was not meant to be easy-peasy. Just when you think you have conquered one trial, another will surely follow -- so you can continue learning and growing, right? It has been one of those "learning and growing" times around here, that is for sure!

Everything I had planned last week had to be changed. I actually had a lot of things planned -- even very important things. But not one of my planned events took place. Everything was put on hold to take care of poor Henry. I missed out on my daily running, which left me feeling really gross. I even missed my weekly temple trip, and I felt the difference in my spirit. Everything was thrown-off, but Henry needed his mommy, and so everything else got kicked to the curb. And, somehow, the world kept spinning, despite my unexpected change of plans.

Henry has had a rough go of it. After our trip to the Emergency Room, and then another trip back to the Urgent Care, I was told he had a urinary infection. I knew that something was not right. His extremely high fever and the way he was acting was different than any illness my other 3 children have ever had.

After the test results came back, it was determined that he had experienced his first issues with his unique internal plumbing (4 compartments in his kidneys, and 4 ureters). It sounds like maybe his reflux produced his first infection -- that is to be verified after I go and visit with his urologist. I admit I am growing weary of the hospital. I have seen enough of it to last me a lifetime.

The day after the excitement in the ER -- having him hooked-up to machines and throughly tested -- his fever was still really high, so I took him to the Urgent Care. Henry was put on antibiotics, which seems to have helped the infection. However, the antibiotic has also caused him to have constant and unpleasant diapers, which has resulted in a nasty rash. He has not been himself for the last week, he has been very irritable, and waking often in the night crying and uncomfortable. His infection is healing, but his rash has been a pain in his butt -- literally.

I have been loading his bum up with A&D ointment, and it is working OK -- but I think he could use something stronger... any recommendations?

He has made it all this way (over 2 years) without any problems with infection. This was the first one. Perhaps it is the first of many, I don't know. I will discuss those things with his doctor. The infection does make the need for surgery much more likely.

Fun stuff.

I still recall the moment when I was driving home from the hospital, after discovering the news that Henry had kidney issues. He was not born yet. I was pregnant and emotional when I heard a voice tell me, "It will be hard, but it will be OK." Back then I had no idea how hard it was really going to be. I never dreamed that the "hard" would include handling Henry's kidney issues -- and life -- without Charles to help me. I thought surely Charles and I would walk through the "hard" and make it "OK" together.

Nope. It's all up to me.

Good thing I have broad shoulders, or else life might be really hard.

Sometimes it makes me sad that Charles is gone, and will not physically be around to help me through the hard things. He will be missing out on kidney infections, surgeries, braces, the teenage years, boys turning into men, dating, college, missions... and, well, he will miss everything. The good and the not-so-good. He will not be here for any of it. This breaks my heart, it really, really, does.

I know he is watching us always... but it is not the same as having him here with me, holding my hand as we face the world together. I often wonder how I will make it through the next 10 years, or the next 50 years... but all I know how to do is take life one day at a time. I can do one day at a time.

It is strange because now Charles has become a memory. He is a picture, a video clip, a journal entry, a memory from times gone by. He is no longer in my physical present, or presence. He was my past, and he is my future. This reality is sometimes hard to wrap my brain around. He was once my whole life, and now he is a dream extending in both directions from this point. It was a beautiful past with him, and is a bright future ahead -- but the now leaves me wanting to go back or forward. The now is the hard part.

I was told it would be hard. I was also promised that it will be OK.

One day at a time... that's how I handle the hard stuff.

Tomorrow is another day.

I can handle tomorrow.

And maybe the next day too. ;)



P.S. This was a "Courage to Cry" kind of post... these days come and go like the wind. But they are just as important to record as the "Courage to be Cheerful" posts. We cannot know joy without knowing sorrow. I know both, often daily!

Facing the Fire with Faith

I will be speaking next Sunday. I was asked to be the speaker at a Stake Youth fireside. I will be discussing how to make it through trials, with faith. It is a topic I have become very familiar with, as of late. 

My mind has been swirling with ideas, thoughts, and intense emotions, as I have been preparing for this task. I have had a little bit of presenting preparation, since I have been teaching a large group during Gospel Doctrine class. But this event is for the youth, so it's a little different dynamic. (I love the youth, by the way -- they are the BEST!) 

I have had many youth firesides in my home, but they have been really low-key, and small. This will be a little more exciting, with a larger group of youth and leaders. Eek! No pressure! 

It will be 5 months -- almost to the day -- since I last stood at the same Church pulpit, while briefly speaking at Charles' funeral Life Celebration. I haven't been in that building since that day, so that should be interesting. However, I have been in many more difficult places, so I should be fine!  

5 months ago, I had no idea I would be standing in front of a group of people discussing how I have endured the loss of my husband. It was not on my calendar, or my radar. And, yet, here I am -- living a life I never planned on living. And -- because of my Heavenly Father -- I am still happy! 

Hallelujah! 

The first night after Charles died, I asked my Heavenly Father the questions, "Why me, why now?" 

My answer from Him was, "You know why." 

He wants me to testify of Him, and His gospel -- no matter the circumstances. And He knows I will do it. 

Since that day, I have changed my question from, "Why me?" to "What now?" 

As I take life one day at a time, I continue to discover what He wants me to do… one day at a time. 

God has been preparing me for this time. 

At this moment, I am anxious about speaking, but excited about testifying. It would have been so much easier to say, "No, I can't," and then I could just stay home and eat ice-cream, while snuggled comfortably in a blanket. 

But the thing is, I know too much to hide from sharing my testimony -- I have to speak! 

I know that He will be with me. 

At this point, I have been studying and pondering, and trying to put my thoughts together, and yet, I still have no idea what I am going to say! (That's always fun!) 

No worries, though. I am prepared. 

God will give me the words. 

I can't wait to see what He wants me to say! :-) 

Break Through Your Trials

I have broken boards with my bare hands. When I was 18, I took a TaeKwonDo class for college credit. In this class I learned new levels of confidence, flexibility, and strength. I was super excited to be a part of the class. I knew that one of my strengths was, well, strength. I have always been a "tough-girl," it is in my blood. (I am mostly Scottish.) I thought Martial Arts was the perfect place to test out my physical capacity, and see how strong I really was. 

I quickly worked my way up the ranks, and I became the leader of the class. I would conduct the class exercises, and call out how many knuckle push-ups to do. Most of the time I had to have boys for partners, because the girls were, well, too… fragile. However, the boys got pretty mad when I threw them over my back onto the floor, that was always fun. 

I found much joy participating in Marital Arts. It was perfect for me. It was a great way to release my inner power, both physically, and mentally. There were many great experiences I gained from that class, but there was one that stands out above all others… 

Breaking boards. 

I still vividly remember the day we learned how to break through boards. I recall a level of excitement in the air, as we anxiously awaited the chance to prove our worth to our Master. (He was the "Mr. Miyagi" of our class. Wax-on, wax-off.) He was the leader, and we all wanted to impress him. The class formed a line, and everyone was to take their turn at a special Martial Arts plank. 

I stood in front of my TaeKwonDo Master -- who strongly resembled Billy Blanks from the TaeBo videos -- and I felt ready to punch through the board. After all, I could do fifty push-ups on my knuckles, surely I was prepared. I stood in front of the board, wearing my black uniform, and I was confident in my ability to break the board, with my strength. I was a tough girl, a strong girl -- I was so sure I would be successful. I pulled back my arm, clenched my fist, and let out a loud, "Kee-Ya!" while thrusting my fist towards the plank. 

But the only thing that broke was my pride. 

I did not break the board. My obstacle was still completely intact, and my hand and confidence were badly bruised. 

I had failed, and it hurt! 

I stood there, defeated, and then my Martial Arts Master told me something I will never forget. He profoundly said, "This time look through the board. Visualize your hand on the other side of the board." 

Look through the board. 

So, I approached the board again, with trepidation. I had already tried, and failed -- my confidence had been shaken. But I had been given advice from my wise Master, and I was going to do my best to take it -- or damage my hand trying.  

Look through the board. 

I properly positioned myself, and my pride, and I formed a visual image of my hand on the other side of the board. This time I knew I was not supposed to focus on the board, I was supposed to look past it. Look past the obstacle… do not focus on the obstacle. I let out another loud, ear-piercing yell, "KEE-YA!!!" 

I broke through! 

This moment has stayed with me throughout my life. As I have considered how I should make it through my current trials and obstacles, my "breaking-through" experience came to my mind. 

I am trying to look through the obstacle, and visualize myself on the other side. 

Somehow, miraculously, I can look through the death and separation of my sweetheart, and see the other side… eternity and forever. With that visual in mind, breaking-through is possible. 

I would much rather breakthrough, than breakdown. 

There is always a way to look beyond your obstacle, and have a vision of conquering it in your mind. Whatever the trial you are facing in your life…look through it. Look through it, and see a better day ahead -- a better you in the future. 

Look through your trials, and breakthrough! 

The Master of all Masters will be well-pleased when you do.