Where the Heaven Are You?

I often wonder where Charles is living.  I mean, I know where he is -- in the Spirit World -- but where is that exactly, and where is he taking care of his Spirit World business? I cannot help but wonder. He is my beloved husband, and my best friend. I promise, you would wonder too.

We know the Spirit World is on this earth, and that the spirits of the departed are all around us. There is just a veil between the spiritual sphere, and our physical sphere. It is a very frustrating veil to me, but also necessary to the plan of salvation.

We mortals are parted by our physically limited vision of the spirits who are more refined and pure. But technically -- as I understand it anyways -- we occupy the same world. Our loved ones who have passed on walk beside us, or at least they walk the very same earth. (I believe they travel a lot, quickly, and freely.) They are not floating around somewhere in space, in a far off land we know nothing about. No, they are here, with us. They can see us, and they are concerned for our well-being.

Our known and loved departed, and our ancient ancestors -- they are all watching us, and cheering for us. Is that not a pleasant thought? Yes it is! It's pleasant because it's true.

Yes, I believe in guardian angels. I believe I have armies of them, actually. So don't mess with me. ;)

I find it interesting that those who are faithful on both sides of the veil are waiting for the same thing: for Jesus to return. Those hanging out without their physical bodies are just as anxious (if not more so) for Him to come again, and bring with Him the Resurrection of those who have died, and to bring peace to this world. Those on both sides of the veil are working hard to preach the gospel of Christ, to prepare as many souls as possible to return to Jesus. We are all Heavenly Father's children, He loves us, and He wants us all to come back to Him.

I know I sure look forward to the day when Jesus will come again! Hooray! I am super excited to see Charles again, but I also look forward to a glorious reunion with my ancestors. I know them, because I have learned of them, and they are my friends. I look forward to gathering with them, discussing deep doctrine from their persective, and sharing handcart pulling stories. I particularly look forward to singing with them... there were some pretty decent singers in my family, so we will have quite the Heavenly chorus. What a sound that will be!

For now, Charles and I are separated by that veil parting our two worlds, and the veil is strong. However, there are moments when it is made more transparent -- not with my human eyes, but with my spiritual eyes. I long for and seek after those moments.

But every day I wake-up, and I cannot help but wonder, "Where the Heaven are you, Charles?" Sometimes I will see something that reminds me of him, or I will hear a powerfully moving song, and I will feel this rush of adrenaline flood through my body, and I am caused to wonder where he is in that moment. I tend to think that those adrenaline-rush moments are when he is close to me. It is like he is saying, "Hey there, I love you! Can you feel that?"  

I know that his once beautiful body is lying in a grave, decaying, and turning to dust. It is not a pretty thought, but it is a reality. It would probably cause me to freakout, actually, if I thought that was the end of him. But I know that he is not there, lying in his silk-lined casket in the mountains. His empty mortal husk is sleeping under 6 feet of dirt, but Charles -- my Charles -- is very much alive, and well, and happy... walking the streets of who-knows-where. He often talked of Australia, and tropical places, but I also know his heart belonged to Alaska... maybe he hangs out there? You Alaskan folks should keep an eye out for him... just saying.

I sure wish we knew more about the way things really work after we die -- all the beautiful details -- but so much is left a mystery, and for good reason. If we knew everything, and saw everything, then there would be no need for faith. And that is why we are here. We are here to test that faith, to see if we will believe. Actually, we already know our Father in Heaven, and Jesus, we all walked with Them before we came to earth. I suppose we just need to remember what, and Who, we already know.

Remember who you are... who you really are! 

My faith has been taken to a new level. I am not talking about my faith as in my religion -- I mean faith as in believing without seeing. I am totally fine in believing -- even knowing God -- without seeing Him. Experiencing His miracles is good enough for me. But going without seeing Charles -- the man that I am "one" with, the father of my children, my eternal companion, my forever love, my best friend -- now that is a completely different kind of faith-testing.

It is the kind of faith-testing trial that will make you, or break you.

I cannot describe it well enough, and unless you have experienced death of a dear loved one, I cannot help you to understand completely what I am trying to say. Let me just say that death of a loved one is perhaps one of the greatest trials of faith you ever have to pass through in this life. Even with the knowledge that I have of the eternal plan, it still hurts here and now. It hurts less with time, but no matter what the future holds, I will always have that loss as part of my story. I will always carry the scars of a broken heart.

I had a moment today where an image from the hospital room flashed into my head. It was a bad image of Charles with his eyes rolling back in his head, and his body flopping around like a fish. It was so scary to see him like that. He was always so strong and healthy, watching his body so swollen and empty was very disturbing and painful. His vacant rolling eyes haunt me still. He never stopped to open his eyes and look at me. His body and spirit seemed to be fighting against each other in his final moments. But his body won the battle... or did it? 

I am really interested to ask Charles what that moment was like for him, from his perspective. I have a list of things to ask Charles, actually. A very long list. I look forward to that conversation. I have always loved talking to him. I miss our conversations desperately. There is probably only one thing I miss more.

I just cannot help but wonder where he is, and what he is doing, even right this minute. Who does he hang out with? Which ancestors does he get along with the best? Which lands has he visited? What is his favorite thing to do? What's his favorite spirit world color? I have so many questions!

I do not know a lot of things, and I will just have to wait my turn to find out the answers. But I do know one thing for sure, and that is what he told me...

He is more powerful than he has ever been.

And that is an exciting thought!

The Spirit World is a better place because he is there.


P.S. While I was typing this post the song, "To Where you Are," by Josh Groban came on... pretty amazing. Google it if you have never heard it. 

I Just Miss Him

I had a dream about Charles last night. I actually prayed that I would dream about him, because it had been awhile, and I just miss him. I am not going to go into the details of the dream, but I will tell you that in my dream I had such a longing for him... it was gut-wrenching and painful. He did not speak in my dream, he just looked at me knowingly, and my heart wanted to be with him so badly. 

When I woke-up this morning, I felt cold and empty. Most days I can subdue my emotions, but this morning I found myself left in a world without him, and it hurt. Sometimes I really want to just go back to sleep, because he might be there waiting for me in my dreams. But there is life to live. And so far, all my dreams do is cause me heartache in real life. They just remind me of what is gone from me. 

It was just an emotional day from beginning to end. 

This afternoon I had to go to parent-teacher conferences, alone. Charles used to come with me. He loved hearing about how the kids were doing in school. The conferences all went very well, but when I was finished with my last one (Sammi's) at the junior high, I got in the car, and tears began to fall. I was surprised at my feelings. I was not expecting such emotion to burst to the surface, but it just came. The conferences were a reminder that I now have do everything without him. I guess I also realized there was no one I could discuss the children and their progress with -- no one like him, who cares just as much as I do, because they are part of him. Once again the weight of being a single mother felt heavy on my shoulders. 

It is hard to keep so much to myself nowadays. I miss having Charles to talk to about everything. I just miss him so much in every way possible. We used to just sit with each other and talk for hours and hours. I loved that. We would solve all the world's problems together. Now I have to solve them on my own, and that is not as fun. 

As I drove home from the junior high in tears, the future flashed before my eyes. I imagined many, many, years of parent-teacher conferences handled all alone. My heart felt burdened, and I even spoke out loud to Charles, and my Heavenly Father. I even complained and felt a little angry, while in my sadness. I declared out loud that I hated the fact that Charles is not with me. I really, really, wish he was still here. I really want to see him again, and to be able to hold him again. I just miss him. It is all on the surface today. 

After the dream, I ended up thinking about Charles all day. I took some time to go over old blog posts, and I spent time looking over wonderful memories with him. I am so grateful I took so many pictures of him. I am so grateful I captured so much of our lives together. Looking over our life brings me joy, but it also makes me sad that there will never be pictures of us growing old together. There will never be pictures of Charles with his grandchildren. I so badly wanted to see Charles as an old man. I so desperately wanted to be able to grow old with him, to walk through life hand-in-hand, and to serve together. Instead, I get to go it alone... for potentially a very, long, time. I admit, that does not cause me much joy. 

My dreams for the future have all changed... I don't even know what I want anymore. I am trying to figure out a new dream, but I do not see a path before me other than "steady as she goes." I know I am still in the beginning of all of this "new life" thing. I am looking through a glass darkly. I feel like I am in a cocoon, and one day I will break free from it. I will be able to fly -- just not quite yet. I am still too fragile. I need to gain my strength, before I spread my wings and soar. 

Being a widow is an emotional roller-coaster. Somedays I feel so happy and enlightened beyond understanding, and other days I feel so sad, and I desperately want to know how everything is going to work out. It will work out... but I sure do wonder what that means? I know I am the one that has to make it work out too, with help from God, of course. I do not expect Him to do all the work for me. One day at a time I will find my way, and the path will be made clear to me. 

Today is a very mortal day. I feel very human. Today I just really miss my best friend. I wish he could be with me. I have so much to tell him. And so much to ask him! 

Dang it, Charles. Did you have to go? 

The very last picture is how Charles was looking at me in my dream... Oh how I miss that look.