My First Date as a Widow

I sat in the parking lot, and questioned my sanity. I had driven all the way from Idaho to Utah, to meet a guy in person, that I had met online. (What was I thinking? When, exactly, had I lost my mind?) I sat there in the dark, frozen like a fossil, in front of our date location: The Museum of Ancient Life, at Thanksgiving Point.

The thought occurred to me, that I could just quickly drive away, and never look back. I could dodge the date, the drama, and the dinosaurs. It would have been so easy to press on the gas pedal, and escape the daunting date adventure, that was surely fraught with unknown emotional peril. This new and undiscovered world of dating, existed right outside of my car, just a few steps away.

All I had to do was open the door.

But I was petrified.

As I sat there, the pressure of doubtful thoughts compounded in my mind. Layers of fear began to appear, and my tough outer crust was failing to protect my soft inner core. The dried-up bones of my embedded fears were unearthed by violent thought-tremors, and the winds of change were blowing in new and unexpected anxieties. I had arrived at a pivotal point in my widowhood evolution.

I stood on the edge of an event, that could change the fate of my world. (I know, I know, it was just a date, right? I should tone down the dramatics. Ha! Not a chance.)

As I dug deeper into the layers of fear, I found decomposing skeletons in my emotional closet. The fears I had been suppressing about this mysterious moment, all came quaking to the surface, with fault-line force.

My thoughts went something like this:

What if the guy was a total creep? What if the whole thing ended up to be a huge disaster? What if he was nothing like his charming online personality and pictures? What if I was not what he was expecting? What if I acted like a total goober? What if he was a total goober? What if he turns around and runs away? What if I forgot how to talk? What if I passed out and fainted? What if he was extremely wonderful, but he did not think I was wonderful? What if a meteor hit the Museum of Ancient History and the world came to an end?   

What if?

"What if" is such a stupid question.

I made the choice to press the brake pedal on my ridiculous thoughts, and I chose to push the gas pedal on more reasonable action.

It was time to get out of the car, and out of my (oh-so-comfy) comfort zone.

I had arrived at our date location about fifteen minutes early. I thought that would give me enough time to brace myself, before jumping into the emotional inferno that was waiting for me. (If you want to know real fear, try dating again as a widow, and you will stare fear right in the face!) 

Before throwing myself out of the car, and into the dating volcano, I talked to God, and I fought off the tempting thoughts that came spewing at me, from the dark caverns in my mind. Then I decided to turn on the radio, to try and calm my rattled nerves. The Utah radio station was playing different music than my normal Idaho station. A really rowdy song came on called, "I Walk Alone." It was a depressing song about being lonely, but the lyrics were enough to make me want to get out of the car and face my fears.

I had the chance to not walk alone for a few hours, and I was going to take that chance!

I took one last deep breath, and I removed the keys from the ignition.

A wave of excitement came over me, as I left the safety of my van.

I was embarking on an adventure!

I was going on my very first date, as a widow! I was going on a date -- with someone other than Charles -- for the first time in 18 years! What the...?! (Insert high-pitched Velociraptor shrieking noise here.)

I walked with fake-confidence across the parking lot, and towards the Museum of Ancient Life. There were Christmas lights still twinkling on the trees, that created a festive and magical glow. A family was standing at the front entrance of the building, and they were trying to take a picture together. I stopped really quick, and helped them.

And I continued forward towards my destination.

My heart trembled with seismic activity, as I entered the building about five minutes before our scheduled meeting time. I found a good place to wait close to the entrance. I was probably standing there for about one minute, when I felt the need to turn around.

So I turned around.

And there he was.

He walked through the doors, and without hesitation, I walked towards him.

It was the man -- the widower -- that I had been emailing for over a month. All of the typed words, and heartfelt comments, collided from fantasy to reality, in one brisk Hallmark movie moment.

He looked just like his pictures! I thought maybe I would not recognize him out of a crowd, but I knew him when I saw him. We walked towards each other, and into a brief "hello" hug. It was a fast non-romantic hug; but the contact created an energy that flew like lightning through my body. Something that had been buried deep inside of me was excavated, and I was shocked by the intensity of the feeling.

I had wondered if I would ever feel that way again.

The answer was clear.

My heart was not dead.

My capacity to feel "those kind of feelings" was not extinct.

Hooray!

I was also his first date, as a widower. We were venturing out into this new dating world, together. That added an element of comfort, knowing we were in the same post-death-dating boat. We were on equal and uncertain dating ground. That reality made it all seem a little less intimidating, sort of.

There was an excitement created by being together, but along with the excitement, there was also a nervous energy. It is hard to feel totally comfortable, without really knowing someone. We had exchanged quite a few emails, and learned a lot about each other through our long-distance communication. I also studied his wife's blog, and he studied mine, too. So we had quite a bit of information about each other (years, and years, of recorded life history) before we met. (I am only willing to meet and date guys I know are real and legit. It is a HUGE bonus if their wife had a blog.)

We had originally chosen to meet at Thanksgiving Point, because it was a public place where we could just walk around and talk. It proved to be a pretty good idea. We looked at some of the dinosaur exhibits along the way, but I was much more interested in learning about his personal history. We would walk around, and then we would find quiet places to sit and chat.

One thing that was nice about dating a widower, was that we could weave our spouses in-and-out of the conversation, without it feeling strange. I personally felt like getting to know his wife, was a very intimate way of getting to know him. I talked about Charles freely too, and it was just very natural throughout our conversation to talk about the people we still loved. It was nice to be able to discuss such things, in our dating dialogue.

Talking with him was easy, but in my nervousness, I felt like I was acting a little too fake and giggly. I am normally a pretty mellow type of person, but I did not feel mellow. I felt like a hormonal teenager, trapped in a 37 year old woman's body. (Have you seen the movie Freaky Friday? Yeah, it was like that.) I wasn't trying to be fake, I was just trying too hard to be normal. Being on a date as a widow does not feel normal, it feels fake. So, I guess I was being fake-normal? Or normal-fake?

At one point on our date, I looked down, and noticed his shoes. He was wearing the same shoes that Charles wore, when we started dating. I am not a sign-seeker, but it definitely gave me pause. Why was he wearing the same shoes as Charles? Not to mention he was also the same height, too. Was I inadvertently looking to find Charles again? I dunno. But I did find my date attractive, so that was something! He had sparkly eyes, and I liked that. He also smiled and laughed freely, and that made being with him very pleasant. He had a positive energy, and he was an all around charming person. I enjoyed being in his company. And I am so grateful, I lucked out on my very first date!

After walking and talking through the museum until it closed, we decided to go and get some ice-cream. As we entered the ice-cream shop, we ran into a few people that knew him from church. That was a little awkward for him, I am sure. I know it would have been awkward for me. We shared an ice-cream, and we continued our conversation, until everything began to close for the night, so we had to leave. Despite the weird excitement level of our date, I was really quite comfortable with him, and willing to talk with him about pretty much anything. I did not want to stop talking with him.

I could tell, at the very least, I wanted to be his friend. I wanted to get to know him better.

I was reminded that, even though Charles and I had a romantic relationship, it was originally based on a deep friendship. We got to know each other without all the smooching and physical stuff first. I believe taking the time to be friends, is what made all the difference in our relationship. We really got to know each other well, before delving into kissing and romance. Our chemistry was so strong, that we simply had to be careful from the very beginning. Anyway, that is another story. But it is a story that still matters, even now, and I keep it in my pocket as a reminder, always.

I digress... back to the date.

The night was still relatively young, but everything in the area was closing down. I did not want to drive away in his car somewhere, and leave my van in the parking lot. So, we decided to sit in his car, and continue our conversation.

This was not a good idea.

As soon as I sat down in his car, I lost my ability to talk. (Remember how that was on my list of fears? Yeah, it actually happened!) It was like the closing of the car door, also closed-off my brain. I had flashbacks of being a teenager, and I immediately felt uncomfortable. Without knowing my date well enough to know his intentions, or inclinations, I just sort of panicked, unexpectedly. I started rambling words, that likely made no sense at all. I just wanted to get out of the car, so I could reclaim my brain, that seemed to have fallen out somewhere on the other side of the car door.

My date was very perceptive, and he was a gentleman about the whole thing. He sensed the awkwardness, and he said he was ready to call it night. We quickly exited his car. He walked me to my van, he gave me another quick non-romantic hug, and he drove off. It was kind of an abrupt ending to a nice evening, but the date had to end somehow. Everything else had been so good, there had to be something weird about it. I made it weird, and then he made it weird, and so we made it weird together.

I did learn a valuable lesson though.

Do not sit in a parked car on a date, even as an adult!

At least not on a first date.

I got back in my van, and sat there for a minute in shock, wondering what I had just gone through. Even though I had no idea where things would go from that point, I still felt this surge of something that charged through my body.

Was that courage I felt?

Had I really just survived the adventure, of my very first date as a widow?

I drove towards my brother's house. I decided to take some time to process what had just occurred. (I knew there would be an onslaught of questions from my family, once I walked through the front door.) I found a nearby LDS Church parking lot (there is one on every corner in Utah), and I just sat there with music on, while trying to figure out my feelings. I sat there and cried a little, while I tried to reconcile my new feelings that occurred on my date, and my feelings that I will always have for Charles.

You see, trying to date again -- while still being madly in love with someone else -- is not for the faint of heart. Dating again as a widow is an adventure, but it is a journey that I wish I did not have to be on. I mean, I want to date, but I wish I did not have to date, because I was happily married, and so... it is all so complicated.

The emotional conflict was real, and I really felt it.

But I also felt something really good, and new, and exciting! It was worth the effort -- and the conflict -- to embark on something so adventurous, and unknown. I had the courage to get out of my comfort zone, and face the flames of fear, despite my desire to flee.

And you know what? The experience changed me.

By facing my fear, I discovered what courage feels like.

Courage feels like being scared to death, while running directly towards the fire.

And that is what I did, on my first date, as a widow.

All Over the Place

We are all feeling kind of tired. This last month has been full of activity for our family. We have been going all over the place, and not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually, too. But it has all been good. I heard somewhere that the more we stretch ourselves, the more we grow, and so this last month has been one of growth in many ways, and growth is better than being stagnant. 

But now, we need to take a break. Yesterday, we all just fell asleep because we were all so tired. The kids crashed on the living room floor for a few hours, and I rested in my bed. It was quite lovely, actually. We all needed it. When I woke-up, I had to go food shopping, but that is just part of life. I am glad food is part of life. I like food. 

Being able to relax is a blessing. I was actually given a blessing that said I should take time often to relax. And so, I try really hard to RELAX! (I highly recommend it.) Relaxing is part of good health that people often overlook. And in our anxiety-ridden society, not taking that time to have peace and relaxation, can cause damage. I am a firm believer in taking time out of each day to sit still, ponder, read uplifting words (specifically The Book of Mormon), doing something enjoyable (like watching a Hallmark movie), and breathing deeply. 

If I take the time to rest on purpose, than the rest of my efforts of the day are much more manageable. I am not one who enjoys running around like a crazy-fried chicken. In fact, I often long for a time when I could move out to the country, and surround myself with the serenity of a slower-paced life. That will likely never happen -- not with my kids anyway -- and so I try to create my country life serenity, on the inside of myself. I am a work in progress though, so my inner-serenity looks more like a country farm fixer-upper. 

So, after losing Charles (actually I did not lose him, I know exactly where he is), my need to relax has increased. I manage a ridiculous amount of emotional turmoil on a daily basis. We generally have peace in our home. In fact, the peace we have at home is perhaps greater than it ever has been. But life is full of ups and downs, and as a mother, without the support of a husband, I have to shoulder the responsibilities of tending to my children all by myself. (Including their emotional needs, without having someone to help me with mine.) And this is no easy task, even though my children are my favorite people on earth! There are days when I just want to stay in bed, and not face the world. But on those days, I just pray my guts out, and then I get my guts out of bed, and keep moving forward. 

Keep moving forward. Where have I heard that before? (Everywhere!) But that is what must be done! As I keep moving forward, I find there are these moments... moments of pure joy and happiness. These moments happen daily. 

And those moments are worth rolling my guts out of bed for! 

Speaking of relaxing, this is how I found Sammi one day after school. Sometimes sleep is the only option. It just comes in and consumes, and it cannot be fought! Sammi has been SO busy lately with the school musical. It is finally over, and so maybe she will be home more often. And she can get back to a more normal lifestyle. 

Before the snow came in, I was running at night sometimes. The weather was quite warm and lovely for awhile. So it was very pleasant to be out there in the evening. I do not mind running in the dark. It is a little scary in some areas, but I always have a light to guide my way. The thing that scares me the most while out there, is a "domesticated" wolf that lives in our area. The owners always take it out to walk at night. On one of my runs, I ran into the wolf people, and the wolf started to pull hard on the leash towards me. I stopped running, and walked briskly instead. The wolf is huge and scary-looking, and it does not look to me like they really have control over it. Anyway, I made it home safely. But I am always super aware when I get to the wolf-zone at night. Besides being threatened by a wolf, running at night is fun! Ha!

William made the Titanic to hold his Valentines at school. They had a competition in his class. I thought it was kind of funny that he chose to make the Titanic? I am not sure what the ship that hit an iceberg has to do with love? Hmmm...??

We finally built Henry's bike he got for Christmas. I let him ride it around inside, before we took it outside. He loves it.

The car clock is showing the time I had to go and pick up Daniel from school. For a week before his concert, he stayed late every night to help set up everything. (He is the Choir President.) I got there at 10:00, but he was not done until 11:00. I spend a lot of my time, as a mom, waiting in the car for various things. I am grateful for good music, and a comfy van to sit in.

 Oh, I am also grateful for good company. Henry just loves going in the car with me wherever I go.

 This boy keeps me smiling.

Daniel performed in the benefit concert at the junior high. He sang the song, "Out There" from The Hunchback of Notre Dame. On the Thursday night performance he had a rough time. After staying up so late for so many nights, and being over-exhausted, he started breaking down and getting sick. (Daniel needs his beauty rest!)

The Thursday night performance was very humbling for him. His voice was not doing what he had practiced, and it was so sad to watch him struggle on stage. He ended up crying in the boys locker room after his performance, because it hurt his soul to have worked so hard, and not have the song go how he would have liked. I had to go into the locker room to try and comfort him. After some reassuring words, and hugs, he managed to pull himself together and he got back out for the rest of the show.

Now, from my perspective, even his Thursday night performance was a different kind of beautiful. There was this growl in his voice, and he fought through the whole thing with passion and fire. Some people thought he was doing it on purpose, to sound like the Hunchback, but no, that was not the case. It was also heartbreaking to watch, because he had worked so hard, and his voice was doing things it had never, ever, done before. (Yes, Daniel takes his music very seriously. Way more seriously than I have ever taken it. But I try to support his passion for it.)

So, the next day, Friday, I kept him home from school, and we loaded him up with rest, water, herbal tea, pineapple, and throat medicines to try and get him ready for his Friday night performance. I also called my mom and asked her and my Nan to pray for him. My mom quickly put his name in the temple, so the prayers would be offered that day.

Friday night came, and Daniel sang his song in a beautiful and powerful way. I was brought to tears, and the rest of our family also shouted for joy, because we all knew what it meant to him. Daniel learned about the power of prayer, humility in his music, and relying on God in all things.

And there is another case for the need to relax in life. He overworked himself, to the point of exhaustion, and it translated into a rough performance. After he rested and rejuvenated himself, he was able to perform to his full capacity.


Daniel also had a good luck charm in his pocket on Friday night. On that Friday, a package of Valentines just happened to come in the mail. Daniel took his special piece of Nan-love (my 94 year old Grandma sends us handmade Valentines every year), and he put it in his pants pocket. And, it worked! Thanks Nan!


Henry played with balloons at the concert.

Here is Daniel on stage, after crying in the locker room. He shook it off, and kept going. I was proud of him for his beautiful spot-on Friday night performance. But as a mother, I was even more proud of how he managed himself after disappointment, on Thursday night. We all learned some really beautiful lessons from Daniel's experience. And isn't that what life is about? Life is not about flawless performances, but how we handle the hard stuff.

The balloons on the floor made Henry happy, but they made me a bit crazy with how happy they made Henry.

The decorations were pretty cute! 

 

Nothing better than a night of Disney music! 

Somehow Daniel ended up with two girls, instead of just one like all the other guys. 

Henry loved his Valentine from Nan! 

 Me too!

 A beautiful sky.

I have still been trying to take good care of myself. I have been a little food-sloppy, but my exercise is steady as she goes. TaeBo has been my go-to exercise, along with running.

 Even Wonder Woman needs to rest to prepare for battle.

 This face.

 I just love his face.

Daniel is proving that real men wear pink. This was his Valentine's Day outfit. 

 My beautiful running view.

 I love being out in nature.

We took another trip to Utah. We went to hangout with my brother's family, and also, I had a date. It was a good date, I enjoyed it a lot. But it would be nice to do some dating in Idaho! I do love my home in Idaho. But there are things about Utah that are really beautiful, like the mountains. On this particular night, the sunset kissed the mountain tops, and made them blush. 

This is Rich. He has been called "Cute Baby" all of his life, and it is a hard habit to stop calling him that. He is still very cute, but no longer a baby! He just sat their watching a show, with his little hands folded so innocently.

While we were in Utah, I got to sing with my brother in his ward. We sang the song, "Gethsemane." It was a beautiful experience, even though that day was kind of hard for me to sing, for a few personal reasons. I just prayed and asked Heavenly Father to give me the strength to get through it. But I was also fine if all I did was stand there and cry, while Johnny sang. Luckily, that did not happen, and I was able to push through the song, but not at full capacity. "Jesus loves me," as the song says. And that is why I wanted to sing. I wanted to sing for Jesus, to show Him that I love Him, and I will sing for Him, even when I feel broken. 

 

Ahhh... I love this guy. Johnny is my special friend, that just happens to also be my brother. We have known each other for a long time, and so he gets me pretty well, and I think I understand him pretty well, too. Though he is still pretty mysterious in some ways, and rightly so. We should all remain at least a little mysterious. 

While I was there in Utah, John had me take a personality test, because he thought we might fall in the same personality category. I took the test. He was right. We are both INFP's, known as the "Mediators."  (Mine has changed over time. Probably because I answered the questions really honestly this time, and I have a better grasp of who I am at this stage in my life.) I have retaken the quiz 3 times, and I adjusted a few of my uncertain answers, and each time I still get the same result. So, there must be a few questions that I answer with total certainty, that throw me into the INFP category. 

To learn more about the INFP/Mediator personality type click: HERE. (And you can take the test to find out your type, too.) 

Now, I am not a huge fan of labels, and placing myself in some sort of identity box, that I cannot open up and get out of. That is not the point of taking the test for me, at all. In fact, there were no questions on the test that addressed my love of singing and speaking in front of large crowds, or my love of standing in front of a group of people and teaching, or the fact that I do not mind putting my life on display for everyone to see. 

I feel like the test would need to be far more extensive than it is, to really crack my complex code. And that is true for everyone. But the test is a start, to learn about some of my strengths and my weaknesses. And I am kind of in a self-discovery mode right now, especially as I am venturing more into the dating world. Have you seen Runaway Bride? You know how she needed to figure out what she was all about first (how she liked her eggs), before she stopped running away from guys? Well, that is where I am at right now. I am a different person than I was when I dated Charles. I was a blank slate then, and I am not a blank slate now. So, I am trying to figure out what makes me who I am now. 

It has been an interesting journey so far. 

Yes, of course I know who I am! I am a Daughter of God! What more do I need to know, right? Well, I feel like if I can hone in on my strengths, and Spiritual gifts, I can use them with a greater purpose and confidence to make a difference in the world. And as I discover my weaknesses, I can use them as a guide to stepping outside of my comfort zones on occasion, and I can turn some of my weaknesses into strengths. Or, at the very least, I can understand why I feel uncomfortable in certain situations, and learn to deal with it. 

Working on my social weaknesses is something I have already begun to do, over the last year or so, specifically with reaching out to people in public. Now it is like second-nature for me. I have some great stories about getting to know cashiers on a deep level quickly, while they scan my bread, milk, and pumpkin cookies. Just last night, I ended a conversation with my cashier with a heartfelt hug, after only talking with her for a few minutes. 

I have also figured out why I love to do certain things like singing, talking, speaking, writing, etc., despite my natural introverted inclinations. Part of it is because I am an empath, which means, I soak in the feelings of the people I am with. And so, if you put me in front of the room (or as the writer of a blog), guess what? I am at the helm of influencing the feelings that other people are having, and so I am feeling my real feelings, and I am extremely comfortable in those kind of settings. 

I want other people to feel and understand, what I feel and understand, but that is often difficult to accomplish. So, when I get the chance to speak to a crowd about something I am passionate about, like the gospel, then I am in my element. And I have also learned, if I allow the Spirit to work through my introverted insecurities, then I really have nothing to fear. If I offer myself to God as a willing, yet weak, vessel, He might be able to work through me, because I am simply not brave enough without Him. 

Ok... so enough about me. Me, me, me. Blah, blah, blah. Maybe I should not have shared so much about myself, but my hope is that by using my own life as an example, others might learn from my choices, for better, or for worse. It is interesting that my brother shares similar introverted qualities, but he often "performs" in front of large crowds, in various settings and responsibilities, and he is good at it. The trick is to get us passionate about something, and then the inner flame will be unstoppable. The fire behind the passion, will burn away the introversion tendencies, and have us running towards the pulpit with enthusiasm. 

I have also had my children take the test, and it has helped me understand their needs a little better. 

Sammi is also an INFP/Mediator 

Daniel is an ENFP/Campaigner 

William is an ENFJ/Protagonist 

Henry is an ENERGY (Just kidding, he is too young to take the test) 

So, back to reality... John and Mindy have 4 boys, and I brought my 3 with me to Utah. The house was full of energy. I sure missed my Sammi this time, but she had to stay behind with a friend to prepare for the high school musical.

 Just a couple of boys watching a movie.

I noticed this was on my brother's bedroom mirror. It made me feel a twinge of sadness and pain. For me, sometimes objects like these cause a kind of, "Get off the road!" moment. (Click HERE to see what I mean.) I am talking about the moment where Frodo stares at the road, and everything comes screeching into focus, as the bad guy approaches. Those same feelings occur when something unexpectedly triggers my emotions. (Oh, and apparently Frodo is also an INFP personality, so maybe that is why I identify with him so much?) ;)

It snowed big time while we were there. The kids played in the snow for a little while, but it was windy and cold, and not good playing snow.

 I went with Daniel and John to go see The Hunchback of Notre Dame, at the Hale Theater.

Daniel was SO excited to see it! He felt a special connection to the character, after just performing as Quasimodo the week before. It was kind of a fluke that we discovered it was playing there. My date took me to see a different show in the same theater, and as I searched the shows that were playing, Hunchback was one of them, and so I knew I had to take Daniel. He was so happy!

It was so nice to get out and see something so AMAZING! I just loved it. My mom said she read some reviews about it, saying it missed the mark or something. Well, if you are expecting a fluffy Disney show, it is not that kind of production. It is more for teenagers and adults. And the message of the show is bigger than the characters themselves. It not only touched my heart, it opened it, and allowed me to feel things I had not felt for a long time. The message of the show was not lost on me. And the performers were absolutely phenomenal! Their voices where magical. It was awesome because one of the main characters was a performer from The Phantom of the Opera, that the kids had gone to see at BYU many years ago. Another one of the performers was from our very own Starlight Theater here in Idaho, he played Adam from Seven Brides the last time we saw it. So, it made it feel that much more intimate, knowing some of the actors from other productions.

 So much fun!

 My son, and my brother. I was a lucky girl to go out with two of the cutest guys ever!

It was snowing like crazy on the way home from the show. Luckily, Johnny was driving, and he got us safely home.

Our drive back home to Idaho, was a messy one for part of the trip. I was grateful for my van, but even still, my brand new wipers were not doing a very good job keeping the slush off the windshield. We just went super slow and safely, and eventually the storm broke, thank goodness!

 The van was a disgusting mess, covered in street mud. It was nasty.

When we got home, Sammi was still gone at rehearsal for the musical. The picture at the very top of the post, was the moment she got home. She was so happy to be with us again. She loves to be out and about, but she loves to be home, too. Here she is crusted-over with her stage makeup (minus the fake eyelashes). We sure missed our Sammi! Though Henry was not sure about her face when he saw her. 

 The musical "Anything Goes" went on for four nights.

 It was super cute, and the cast did a great job!

 Sammi was in the chorus, with a few little bits here and there.

But you couldn't miss her in her hot pink dress! She sure loved being a part of the show. And learning how to tap dance.

 I guess we brought the Utah snow to Idaho. Ick.

Sammi kissed Daniel's cheek with her hot pink lipstick. It was hard to get it off.

 Enjoying some food after rehearsal.

 They also put on a dinner show before the musical. It is amazing the energy the kids have!

 Sammi was in her element. She loves to perform!

 She looked so different, people that she knew would walk right by her, and not recognize her.

William was so funny. He did not want to go see the show at all. But then, after intermission on the first night, he said, "I want to come back tomorrow night!" William is funny that way. He just has to make his own decisions, there is no convincing him to like something, he has to choose to like it on his own. And he often does. He is almost 11, and that is a hard age for boys as they start to figure out who they are, and what they like, and don't like. And how to express those things... that is the real trick.

 I sure love my Sammi! Hmmmm... maybe I should try some flaming-pink lipstick?

 Some of Sammi's sweet friends.

 A couple of cheeseballs!

Sammi and Kyle have known each other since elementary school. I met Kyle's awesome mom back in the day when people used to sit on the park bench and talk to each other. Now everybody is just head-down with their phones. It is a weird change.

 Sammi played and sang for part of the dinner show.

 William came back with me for another show!

 "Anything Goes," was a really fun show!

On Sunday afternoon, Sammi crashed. She came and snuggled right up next to me on the couch, and she knocked right out. And then she had to wake-up to go and sing at New Beginnings at church. She struggled to get up, but she eventually managed to pull herself together.

And the next day... this was her crashing and burning for a few hours. That post-performance crash can be pretty brutal. They were at the school non-stop, without coming home for more than a week, and on Saturdays they were set building. For more than a month the show pretty much took over her life. But she loved it, and wants to do it again, of course!

 A beautiful sunset.

I saw this little sign and I liked it. As I am dating, I am looking for that person who "sings the song" only I can hear. I am a romantic. Not that I need all this romantically planned-out stuff, I am not like that at all. For me, romance is a way that I feel. And those feelings are usually created with conversations and moments, that make my heart sing. So, I guess I feel love, like I feel music. My kind of love is not for everyone, that is for sure. It takes someone special to "get" me. I am not even interested in dating someone that I am not really interested in. I feel like dating guys that I know I am not interested in, just for the sake of dating, is a waste of my precious time and energy.

Love (and music) is something that moves me deeply, and makes my heart beat with excitement and joy. I sure hope there is someone out there, warming-up their vocal chords of love for me. I know he is out there, somewhere. Yesterday I talked to God and said, "If I am meant to stop looking, I will. But if I am meant to keep looking, please tell me where to look!" And while I await His answer and guidance, I will continue doing what I am doing, and I will keep hoping for a miracle along the way.