Saying Yes to Forever

My mom asked me to write some thoughts for her to use at a youth temple fireside... 

I gently held his hand across the altar of the temple. I was surrounded by light, and loved ones. As I looked into his beautiful, soft, brown eyes, I felt my heart begin to pound with anticipation for our future. We were there at the temple, to make the most important commitment of our lives. We were young, and in love, and eager to start our journey of life together. Charles softly gripped my hand with warm reassurance, and we became companions for time and all eternity.

I was 19 years old, and I did not fathom the magnitude of the moment that I was participating in. I did not fully understand the sealing power that was bestowed upon us that day. But I knew with my young girl heart that I loved this man next to me, and I wanted to be with him throughout life, and learn and grow with him forever. I knew that temple marriage was the only way to make that dream a possibility. I knew that time was not enough... it had to be forever, with Charles.

14 years later, I gently held his hand across a cold hospital bed. He was on breathing machines, he had lost his heartbeat twice, and the doctor had declared him brain-dead. As I held his frigid hand, and starred at his lifeless body, I was overcome by my feelings of loss and sorrow. His once beautiful brown eyes were completely vacant of expression. His strong reassuring grip had turned weak and limp, and his hands were ice cold.

I was not ready to let this beautiful man leave me, alone. I was not ready to lose the father of my 4 children. I was not ready to become a widow at age 34. But he was gone. In a blink of an eye, his life was over. He had died unexpectedly. A clot had entered his lung and stopped his heart. He was there one moment, and gone the next. Life is terribly fragile like that.

Our 14 years together flashed before my eyes in an instant.

After he took his last breath, I caressed his pale cheek, and spoke soft loving words to him. Though his body lay dead, I felt this overwhelming feeling that he was not gone at all. I felt in a very powerful way that he still lived, and I knew it! His mortal husk lay sleeping, but his spirit was as vibrant and full of life as ever. I felt him near me in the hospital room.

I feel him near me still.

It has been 9 months since my husband died. It has been lonely from time to time, but it has also been amazing to feel the power of the covenants we made to God, and each other. In the time he has been gone, I have come to understand the sealing power of the temple. We are still bound together. Though his mortal life was cut short, his eternal life was not. We still have forever before us.

There is great Heavenly power that comes from the promises of the temple. Charles is still permitted to be very close to me and our children, because we made covenants with God, and those covenants go two ways -- if we keep our end, Heavenly Father is bound to keep His. Having the sealing power of the temple in our lives is like having a forcefield of love and joy placed over our hearts, while we are parted. The more I live up to my temple covenants the more joy, light, and love I feel envelope me, and protect me from pain and sorrow.

Miraculously, I have experienced a power in my life so bright, that I have felt protected from the full weight of sorrow and grief. I have been lifted in my burdens, and strengthened to handle the path before me. The more I go to the temple, the more this power holds firm in my life. It is a power so strong that despite losing my husband, I still feel happiness in my soul.

How do I feel about temple marriage? To me it is everything. 14 short years with the love of my life is certainly not enough. If we had been married, "until death do you part," our relationship would be finished, it would be over -- the end. But because we were sealed in the temple -- by the power of the proper authority -- our relationship continues on now... and forever.

And forever might just be enough time with my beloved Charles.

Feeling Deeply this Christmas

I love Christmas. During this holiday season I have felt very deeply. I have felt some twinges of sorrow, but more than anything I have felt incredibly happy. My heart is just bursting with gratitude for my Savior, Jesus Christ. People may think that Christmas would be a very sad time for our family, especially this year, but please know that this is not the case. The Spirit of Christ has settled on our home, and we dwell in happiness and light. I insist upon living in the light. I despise dwelling in sadness, in the dark. Ick! 

Being sad is not for me. I like being happy. So that is what I choose.

Sure we absolutely miss Charles, and we feel moments of sadness -- but it is not all-consuming. In fact, I have had moments of pure happiness where I just want to squeal in delight. Sometimes the joy that fills my soul is so intense that I fear I might burst into a million joyful pieces. My happiest moments have been spent in the company of others, giving service, and being served. If I have felt sad it is in moments when I am doing none of those things.

I have felt the Spirit of Christ this year. And it feels wonderful.

So, speaking of feelings...

A few weeks ago we went to temple square. It was the first time I had been back since the spring visit with Charles, the week before he died (see post: HERE). I do not avoid places of memory or deep feelings, I actually run to them. I want to go and feel. I have discovered a strange thing about myself... I am not afraid to feel deeply.

While at temple square I had a chance to embrace some of those deep feelings. I remembered some of the conversations that Charles and I had in the spring. Everyone else had left early, but Charles and I lingered so I could take some pictures. We had some important time alone. While strolling the temple grounds we discussed a dream that had been pressing on his mind. (Read about his dream: HERE.) Charles was walking around with the clot in his leg. It was burning and aching, and he was not himself, he was tired and in pain. It was the clot that worked its way up to his lungs, and ended his mortal life. I had no idea then that it would be the last time spent at temple square together. I had no idea then that my life was going to change completely in a matter of days. I had no idea Charles was going to die, and leave me a widow.

My mind filled with memory as I walked the temple grounds a few weeks ago. But I did not cry. I actually felt joy. I am learning better how to feel deeply, but live in the moment. Being at the temple was a happy moment.

I am generally pretty durable and rarely cry or lose it in public, but there are moments when the spirit touches my heart so strongly that all I can do is cry. I don't particularly like losing it in front of a crowd -- or even friends and family -- but I enjoy having my heart touched with overwhelming emotion. It makes me feel amazing, even when it hurts. Of course it hurts, my spirit is being exercised and stretched, just like the muscles experience when physically pushed to their limits. The more I am stretched spiritually, the stronger my spirit gets. That is true for everyone. It is not easy, or even fun, but it is why we are here. You can try to run from getting spiritual exercise, but good luck with that!

I will not pretend that it does not hurt with great intensity to feel so much all the time now, but I can feel myself growing. I find myself grateful for some of my personality traits and quirks that I did not understand very well before now. From the time I was a little girl I used to pick up heavy objects and see how far I could carry them, just for fun. I recall picking up a huge tree stump and hauling it on my back and walking the shoreline of a lake until I could not carry it anymore. I just wanted to test my strength. Now I know what I was doing... I was preparing for my future. I was preparing to carry a heavy burden on my shoulders.

I do carry a heavy burden. But I get stronger everyday, and with Jesus my burden has been made light. I am in awe of that reality, actually. When I think of Jesus' light, I think about how light he has allowed me to feel, despite the trial I have faced. His light can blast away all darkness and despair, if you allow Him in, and let Him dry your tears.

I really believe that crying is not a bad thing, and feeling deeply is not a bad thing. It makes me feel alive and is far superior to feeling numb. Sometimes I think it would be better if we all embrace our feelings more and allow them to flow through us, rather than fight against them. It is kind of like relaxing on a roller-coaster ride. It does not feel natural, but if you just calm down and breathe, the experience is so much more enjoyable than if you panic, or tense-up. We are meant to feel things in this life -- joy and pain, and everything in between. It is good to feel. Trust me, feeling something is better than feeling nothing!

The Savior can help you through it all. Even if you feel numb.

With that being said, I have been enjoying this holiday season, and all that it has had to offer. There are times when I really wish Charles was with me, but right when I think that, I am reassured that he is with me. We may be physically separated, but we are not spiritually separated. When I say things like, "I feel him near," I am not just saying it, I know he is near. If you have experienced the death of a loved one, you know the feeling. And it is powerful.

I have prayed that this will be the happiest Christmas ever, and that Charles will be permitted to be with us, more than normal. Charles loves Christmas. Most of the year he was super-frugal, but at Christmas he knew how to do it right. He loved the magic of Christmas, as much as I do. I know he will be with us, and I anticipate feeling deeply -- especially on Christmas Eve. I am looking forward to it! Tears and all!

There have been so many acts of kindness shown to our family. Someone is doing the 12 days of Christmas for us (I will blog about that later), and it just makes our day! Just having others extend a hand of love and kindness is uplifting and so meaningful to our family. I cannot express to you how much it means, and what joy it brings to me, and especially the children! To those of you who have shown love to us... THANK YOU!

May the Spirit of Christ fill your heart this Christmas, as it has mine.

It's time to let Him in and feel. 

Merry Christmas! 

Here are some pictures from our time at temple square a few weeks ago...

The Throne of God in San Diego

I love the temple. For me it is how I connect with Deity. It is my source of strength and power. It is the foundation upon which my "happily ever after" has been laid. Because of the temple and the covenants that we have made there, Charles and I are sealed together forever. There is no "til death do you part" for us. Thank goodness. 

I have felt the sealing power of the temple in an amazing way. I have a new understanding of the actual "power" that comes from the sealing ordinances. It is a power that is felt -- that rests upon me -- and gives me strength beyond my own. Charles is "gone" but he does not feel gone to me. I can feel the sealing power actually reaching across eternity and keeping us connected, and close. There are no words to explain the feelings. It is an out-of-this-world experience. It is a force of celestial proportions. 

We are bound to each other, and no force of life or death can part us. Does it sound like a fairytale? That is because it is. My fairytale ending is ever before me. Except there is no "The End" to the story... it will continue on forever. And forever might just be enough time with Charles, my true love. The love that we have is not bound only to this mortal world -- our love is everlasting. If you truly love someone, would you settle for less than forever? Not me. 

I try to attend the temple at least once a week. We are very lucky to have one here in Boise, Idaho. There are many temples throughout the world. On our journey we stopped to capture some pictures of a few of them. (Temples are different than meetinghouses, for more info click: HERE.) 

The San Diego temple is one of the most beautiful structures of all, I believe. It is a celestial castle from a magical dream. It looks like it has been transported directly from the streets of Heaven to dwell in our mortal realm. 

I taught a lesson on Sunday about temples. It was about the one that Ezekiel saw in a vision -- the temple to be built in Jerusalem, before the coming of the Lord. It is an amazing lesson. Read through Ezekiel in the Bible, if you haven't lately. Read the whole Bible, it is fantastic. I love it. 

Here are some points from the lesson manual about temples:

1. The glory of the Lord fills the temple.
2. The temple is "The place of the Lord's throne" on earth.
3. The Lord walks in the temple, calling it "the place of the soles of my feet."
4. The temple is a place where the Lord may "dwell in the midst" of his people.
5. We learn about the laws of the Lord in the temple.
6. There are ordinances that the Lord wants us to perform in the temple.
7. Even the grounds that surround the temple "shall be most holy."
8. Only those who are worthy should enter the temple.
9. In the temple we learn the difference between holy and profane and between clean and unclean.

What struck me the most was the temple is "The place of the Lord's throne" on earth.

I think sometimes we do not see the temple for what it really is. Maybe we go attend out of duty, or loyalty, but do we actually know where we are going when we attend the Lord's throne on earth?

We are living in a true immortal story, with The God of Heaven as the leading Role. He is our Eternal Father, and we are His children. Can't you feel that? We mortals are always seeking after super-heros, and someone with power to rescue the world from its evils and pain. The reality is, that Hero has already come. He performed the act of our rescue -- the Atonement -- and He will come again to purify the earth. His name is Jesus Christ.

We are weakened humans of flesh and blood, but one day, if we are worthy, we will be celestial beings full of power and glory, because of God's loving and wonderful plan of happiness. We drudge around in our imperfect fleshy bodies, but we long for something more... something better... something worth living for... worth fighting for... something eternal. We long for our Home in the presence of our Heavenly Father. We have been there before, and we want to go back. Our spirits inside our bodies -- the same spirits that once dwelt in the presence of God -- long to return to Him.

The temple is the House of God on earth. It is a piece of Heaven nestled in a corrupted world. It is as close as we can get to Him while living in this terrestrial sphere. God is King of Heaven and Earth. He is infinite and eternal. He is all powerful, and everlasting. And He has given us access to His power, and the ability to enter into His House of Glory and Light. The temple is a structure that He has deemed worthy enough for Him to enter, and for His Spirit to be felt. He has invited us to come partake of His power. What a tremendous blessing! Wow! 

I am just starting to understand...

I have always loved the temple, and believed in its power, but now I am able to really catch glimpses of the great plan, and eternity. My mind and spirit have traveled to new vistas, and visions. Charles' death has taken me to new places of understanding. I find more than comfort in the temple, the scriptures, and the gospel as a whole. I find peace to handle the trials I face, and to lift me from my sorrows. But I have also come to know -- through great study and learning -- the true purpose of life, and my place in it.

I do not wish for anyone to experience death of a loved one, but I do wish everyone could learn the lessons that come from pondering life after death, and where we go when we die. It is different when you book read about it, compared to when you experience the feelings of death firsthand. Very, very, different. My access to things spiritual has increased, because part of my heart is dwelling in the spirit world, and I reach out for it daily. As I reach, I find. The temple has been crucial in my reaching.

I have come to know my Savior and my Heavenly Father in a way I never knew was possible.

I love the temple. The more I go, the more I know.

We all seek after and desire strength and power.

Go to the temple often, and you will find it.

That's a promise!

The Light in my Life

I go to the temple once a week. It is a place of great beauty and light. It has an almost magical and romantic feeling about it. It is hard to explain, but attending the temple helps me to see life through rose-colored glasses. I feel so happy when I am there, and I am as close to Heaven on earth as I can be. It is the House of the Lord. It is a House of light, and inspiration. You take a piece of that light -- and power -- with you when you leave and go home. 

If the feeling in the temple is any indication of what living in God's presence is like, then I am really looking forward to that day! I have needed the extra light in my life. We all do, really. We live in a strange, dark, and sometimes scary world -- the temple seems to make that all melt away, and you can see the world and the Heavens as they really are. The more you go, the less scared of the world you feel. At least, that is how it is for me. 

I look forward to my weekly temple trips. I sometimes go with others, but I really enjoy going alone too. It is a time to be at peace, and at one with myself, and my Heavenly Father. Inspiration flows freely from Heaven, as I dwell inside the beautiful building. It causes me to remember who I really am. It causes me to feel the divinity inside of me. I can feel just how much Heavenly Father loves me! (He loves YOU too!) 

Yesterday I took a moment to breathe in the beauty outside of the temple. The Fall colors are amazing right now. The wind was blowing just slightly, and it was like being in a piece of Heaven, in the middle of a busy city. I found a bench and just sat there alone. I don't mind being alone, because really -- I never am alone. I cannot tell you the blessing it is to have the Spirit of God as my constant companion. I can be at peace and whole, all by myself. It is a beautiful thing. 

If you are feeling something missing in your life, go to the temple, and go often. The thing that is missing in your life is Heaven's Light which you receive from the temple. It is like recharging your spiritual superpowers. The more often you go, the more Power from on High can fill your aching soul... and help you to become a force for good in the world.  

I feel very fortunate that Charles left a bunch of family history and temple work for me to do for his family. Every time I go and do the work for his ancestors, I feel close to him -- and that is a precious gift. 

Yesterday, during some of the proxy work, a lady asked if the names I had were of close family. (Much of the work was for the van Ormer family line.)  I mentioned to the cute little old lady that my husband had died just 6 months ago, and that the names were of his ancestors. As we were doing some of the ordinances, the sweet little wrinkled lady began to weep. She looked at me with her clear, watery, angelic eyes and said, "I can feel your husband here." I smiled and said, "He is always near me." 

I cried powerful tears the whole time. 

After I was finished with the sacred work, I walked towards the temple doors to go home, and this same sweet lady was standing by the front door as a greeter. She saw me, and we embraced a knowing embrace. As we held each other, she whispered in my ear, "Thank you for that special experience." I had no words in return, I just hugged her tightly -- like we had known each other forever, though we had never met before. Well, not in this life anyway. 

Come to the temple. Come to Christ. Come to happiness. Come to peace. 

The temple is a light when all other lights go out. 

And it is getting pretty dark out there in the world. 

P.S. For the difference between temples and chapels see below... 

The Answer

I have had a rough week. There was nothing particular I could point to, or anything I could explain. I just had a little black rain cloud descend upon my mind, causing me fear and doubt -- that I just could not shake from me. There were moments when pulling the covers over my head, and crying, seemed the only reasonable thing to do.

I spent many sleepless nights, speaking with God, pleading for relief.

Without my permission, my mind has been regurgitating images, and dreadful feelings, from the day that Charles struggled for his life. Sometimes those moments stay back deep in the caverns of my brain, and sometimes they are pulled to the forefront, to torment, and haunt me. I was there when Charles went from being totally normal, to dying -- all within a matter of horrifying minutes. Sometimes those moments come back and play repeatedly on the movie reel in my mind. When the images come, it causes a pain that can't be spoken. Seeing your true-love suffer, is perhaps one of the most painful forms of torture, ever.

One of the things that has come to my mind -- that has bothered me lately -- was a gap in time on that day, when I was not with Charles. He was put onto a gurney, and hauled into the ambulance -- and I could not go with him. Sometime between when I saw him at home screaming that he could not breathe, and when I saw him moments later in the ER -- he had flatlined, and I was not there. I did not see his final moments of consciousness. I did not get to offer my farewell while he was still awake, and aware. I did not get to look into his eyes, for one last time, and profess my undying love for him.

When I arrived at the ER, he was basically already dead. He did not have a heartbeat at that moment. They were thrashing on his chest, performing CPR, as he flopped lifeless on the table. They managed to retrieve his heartbeat a few times throughout the day -- offering a hint of hope -- but he was mentally gone, he was in a coma. The clot of doom had done its permanent damage. He never came out of that state of body, he never woke-up to offer me a glimpse of his beautiful, soft, brown eyes. The last I saw of him alive was in the agonizing moments of screaming and sweating at home. And though his body and spirit were trying to fight for his life in the Emergency Room, and the Cardiac Unit, for some reason, he could not pull through. He was finished. His time was up. 

Recently, I was reading over a blog of a lady who has an amazing story of hope and healing from a tragic plane accident. I noticed part of her story involved her "flatlining" at least three times, and yet, she still lived -- her brain is fine. Even through all of the horrific things she had going on with her body -- including being burned over 80% of her body -- she pulled through and survived. She is a miracle. She is amazing. See her blog: HERE. I love her without knowing her personally. She is my hero.

But for some reason, while I was reading about her miraculous story that she has been recounting lately, it made my heart flutter, and my mind wonder. Charles' heart had stopped a few times, and after the third time I was told he was brain-damaged, and I was encouraged to let him go by the doctor. (Take out the machines, so he would not continue suffering.) As I was reading over her story of being in a coma, and pulling-through against all physical odds -- including her losing her heartbeat multiple times -- I was tempted to think that maybe I was a little rushed in my decision to let Charles go so quickly.

What if I did not give him a chance to be a miracle?

What if…

With these kinds of questions swirling around in my brain and heart, I have felt tormented. I knew the moment I was advised to take him off the machines that I would, one day, regret doing it -- even if it was the right thing to do for him. At the traumatic time, it seemed the only option, everyone was telling me it was right to relieve him from his suffering. I did not want him to suffer, but I did not want to take away the chance for a miracle either.

Maybe the miracle was that I was willing to let him go.

My only consolation was that as soon as he was taken off the machines, he took his last 3 breaths within mere seconds -- showing me that he was, indeed, being kept alive only by breathing machines, and not his own strength. He was gone. He fought the good fight, but he was through. Charles and I had discussed what we would want to do in a situation where we were being kept alive by machines, and we both agreed we would want to "pull the plug." When the doctors said the term "brain-dead," I knew that even had he somehow lived through it, he would never be Charles again. Charles had expressed to me specific desires regarding what to do in that situation. He would want to be whole with Jesus -- not a shadow version of himself, lying on a hospital bed.

For him -- and I know this from his journals -- being with Jesus is the miracle he would want.

But that does not make it any easier on my heart. For me, I felt the harder thing was to allow him to go -- to be free from this world. I was willing to stay at the hospital forever until he came back to me -- even just for a moment. But there was a turning point, when I looked into his eyes, and they were lifeless, swollen, and rolling back in his head. I knew he was not coming back to me. I knew he was gone from me. And at that point I whispered for him to, "Go to Jesus." It was just moments after that when his heart flatlined, and his brain had taken its final blow with the loss of oxygen. I had the choice to prolong his death and suffering, or let him be free with Jesus. It was not an easy choice to make -- even though Charles had made the choice clear for me. I always imagined the scenario would be when he was old -- not a vibrant 37 year old father of young children.

I never thought I would actually have to make the choice of when Charles would die. Why was that left in my hands? Should I have left it to God to determine the exact timing of his final breath? Or was God being kind to me by allowing me to be there in that moment, preserving him for a time, with the machines? (He would have died much sooner without them.) I could have missed all of it under different timing and circumstances, and that would have been immensely worse. He was just seconds away from driving away in the car that morning… who knows what could have happened? 

As it was, I was there, and as far as death goes, I even had the chance to prepare for a few moments before they took out the machines. I was there when he took that most precious final breath.

That was a miracle… I know it.

His very last breath. I will never forget that sound. It was the last time I heard his voice exit from his body. It was the last time his body and spirit were connected, until Jesus comes again.

As you can see… I have had a lot on my mind lately.

With the process of grieving comes unexpected moments of painful, raw, nitty-gritty emotions, images, and feelings. I don't want to feel them, I just do. I don't want to replay the images, they just come. I don't want to ask, "what if?" it just enters my mind. It is because I love Charles so much, that I grieve over the loss of him, and question the whole thing. It is because I love him that the suffering he experienced in his final moments breaks my heart into a million wounded pieces. I know I will see him again, and that offers me great hope for the next life, but the pain of loss during mortality is deeply felt in my heart now. The song, "Empty Chairs at Empty Tables," from Les Mis declares: There's a grief that can't be spoken. There's a pain goes on and on. Empty chairs at empty tables. Now my friend is dead and gone. That sums it up about right… a grief that can't be spoken. I try to explain it in writing, but there are never words for the pain.

Oh, the pain! 

My tormented soul that I have been experiencing, has longed for relief. I have needed help. I have needed Heaven's help! The darkness of my mind was overcoming me, and so I knew I needed to go to the Temple -- The House of the Lord -- to look for answers and find peace.

It had been too long since my last visit. The power I received from my last visit had all but worn off… I needed a serious recharge of power from Heaven.

I went to the temple today, and it was very Heavenly. I had a beautiful friend offer her services of watching my children, and I had a beautiful friend meet me at the temple. I am blessed with lovely people in my life.

The answer I received at the temple was surprising to me.

Being there was wonderful, peaceful, and empowering. Everything was put into its proper perspective. I was reminded of my Heavenly Father's great plan, and His tremendous love for me. I could feel power being infused into my soul. My mind was being cleansed from my tormenting thoughts -- like having dirt removed from a soiled cloth. I was able to perform service for Charles' ancestors. I was able to find peace. I was able to see life with a new clarity. I was able to find relief. On earth, I was as close as I could get to Heaven. The temple is all about the Savior -- it is His House -- it is where I can go to draw myself closer to Him. And I long to be close to Jesus.

If you knew you could access the Powers of Heaven by going to a specific place, would you not go there often?

As I sat for a moment in the beauty of the Lord's House, praying for specific answers to my aching soul, and my plagued mind, my answers came...

The temple is the answer.

It is the answer for all of us -- we all have pain, we all suffer.

Go to the temple.

My Special Alaskan Temple Trip

While visiting Alaska, I went to the Temple. It was a very special and sacred experience for me, and for those who attended with me. I will carry my time in the Alaska temple in my heart, always, as I move forward, with faith, into the future. 

Did you know that spending time in the temple actually gives you power? It does! I can testify of that! 

My parents are part of the Anchorage, Alaska, Temple Presidency, and I had a truly unique and cherished experience with them. I traveled with my parents from Wasilla, to Anchorage, which is about a 1 hour trip. When we arrived at the temple, my parents unlocked the front doors, and turned all the lights on. My Dad made his way to the front desk, where he was the one who checked my temple recommend, and welcomed me to the temple. "Welcome to the temple, Sister van Ormer," he said with a great, big, smile. I then had the opportunity to walk through the empty temple with them, enjoying the beautiful artwork, and spirit, and then I prepared for the session we were about to do, with our family. It was such a peaceful and powerful feeling being in the perfectly quiet temple, with my parents as my guides. It was a great blessing, and I was starting to capture a glimpse of what Heaven might be like.  

Though I received some special personal treatment from my parents, they often do special family sealing sessions, as people travel great distances across the state to do the work, and they do their best to accommodate them. 

After following my parents around, as they prepared the temple for others to come, I dressed myself in white, and prepared for the sealing session. 

My mother brought me to the sealing room -- the very same room where Charles and I knelt across the altar, and were sealed together for Time and Eternity. As I stepped into the beautiful room filled with light, my heart almost burst with emotion. A rush of feelings from the past washed over me, and I could remember what it was like that day -- almost 15 years ago -- when I was 19 years old, scared, and getting ready to make the largest commitment of my life -- together forever, with Charles.  

I saw the large cream-colored chair where Charles and I sat alone together, after everyone left following our marriage ceremony. It was the chair that we sat in, and we talked and pondered the eternal event which had just taken place. We sat and discussed the 3 words of advice we had received from the Temple Sealer that day… we were told to, "Always be forgiving." (Good advice!) I remember we sat and chatted for quite a long time -- Charles loved to talk about spiritual things. I can still remember the eager and sweet look on his face as he starred at me, as his new bride, and eternal companion. I can still remember how much I loved him then, and I realized how I love him infinitely more now. 

The room was thick with the Spirit. A spirit of peace, warmth, and comfort enveloped my soul. Tears filled my eyes, but they were sweet tears. I was in the place where it all began, and I could sense in that same spot that on that day almost 15 years ago, it was truly just our beginning… and we have no end. Sure we may have some mortal time between us now, but compared to the Eternities, it is such a small amount of time. And what a glorious, sweet, reunion it will be to see my love again. I just cannot wait to give him a great, big, hug… I don't think I will ever let go! Nope, I definitely won't let go. 

I also had the chance to sit in the Celestial Room. As I sat in the Heavenly room, I was overwhelmed with God's love for me. Being in the room was like receiving a Hug from my Heavenly Father. It felt so good to be there, so very good. The large room is filled with ornate detail, light, and a beautiful, heavenly, chandelier. There were little rainbows reflecting on the floor through the stain-glass windows, and rainbows were twinkling in the crystal chandelier. Rainbows have always been special for me, and Charles. It caused me to smile.  

Then my family/friends that are family arrived, and we all hugged and gathered in the sealing room together. We had gathered to do the temple work for Charles' ancestors -- the names of people that he had gathered before he passed away, and some that I had found. The night before we went to the temple, I had thought to look up some information about some of the people we were doing the work for, and as I was searching, I noticed there were a bunch of names of people, and work to be done -- work we were able to take and complete the very next day -- it was truly a miracle. 

We spent our time sealing couples together, and also children to their parents -- linking the generations together. My father was one of the sealers, and the Temple President also came to help. The work done in the temple is a beautiful and most sacred work, and it is a great privilege to be able to participate in it. The tears were running freely in the room, and I knew Charles was so happy that we were doing this work for his family -- who he is now with -- in the Spirit World. I had a particularly profound moment when I stood in proxy for one of Charles' ancestors, sealing her to her parents. Her name was Mary van Ormer. I could not hold back the tears, as I sensed her great joy of the work being done on her behalf. I have done quite a bit of temple work, but I have never had an experience as profound as doing this work for Charles' family. I could feel his smile of approval that we were finishing what he had started. 

The purpose of temple work is to link the generations together. We are all brothers and sisters. We are all God's children. He wants us all to be able to return to Him, but there are necessary steps that must be completed to do so… ordinances that must be completed, such as baptism, etc. The many temples that now dot the earth are making this great work possible at a much faster rate. The work is hastening like never before. As I look over the vast expansion of the family history search capabilities, I stand in awe of how amazing this work truly is -- and how, in time, the work of all mankind can, and will, be completed. 

With my husband now a member of those who have departed this mortal life, I would like to testify to you that I KNOW this work -- family history and temple work -- is necessary, and it is truth. People wonder how you can know such things in this life, but I tell you that you can know, with a surety, that God lives, and Jesus is the Christ, and that The Goal is to bring to pass the eternal life of man. I know that the gospel contained in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is true. I know it because I live it, I have tested it, I ask questions, I have asked God, and He has answered me. 

My testimony had been sealed with fire long ago, but has now had intense fuel poured upon it with the death of my dear husband. The experiences I have had have opened my eyes to the frailty of life, and the reality that life continues on after death -- I knew it before in theory, and now I know it with certainty. And also, I know that we had better be ready -- at all times -- to die and face our Maker. You never know which breath will be your last. 

Would you be ready to meet God, if you died today? 

I also know that Jesus will return to this earth -- He will come. His work is ever hastening, and the day of His arrival is drawing closer. Can you feel it? I can. Whether you believe, or not, He will come. 

There is a great work to be done. I am grateful to have a very small part in helping others come to Christ. There is absolutely nothing better I could do with my time, or my life. I hope to exhaust my life in the service of God, so when I see Him again, I can at least say, "I tried!" 

Draw closer to Christ and He will draw closer to you. There is no better place to draw close to Him, than at the temple -- Charles knew this, he would frequent the temple often to receive strength and inspiration. 

I am so grateful for the experience I was able to have, especially with my parents, and family that was there. I am leaving many of the sacred and special details out -- some things need not be shared -- but it was just what I needed. It was so uplifting, so edifying. There is something so strengthening about serving others -- especially in the work of salvation. 

I love the temple. I really do. I am excited to start going again, often. There is work to be done! 

We took just a few pictures before we left... everyone else had to take-off and leave while my parents closed-up the temple, so we missed pictures with them. 

Me and my good Parents. 

 Me and my sister Kary.

What Family History Means to Me -- Written by Charles

So, today I was randomly looking through some old Trek pictures online, I clicked a wrong button, and I somehow came across a random document belonging to Charles. This is what I found… and would never have found it, had I not slipped my finger in just the wrong/right way. This post goes along with the post below called "Death Does NOT Part Us." All I have to say is, wow. 

I just could not resist putting Charles with his ancestors… look how happy he is. :-) 

What Family History Means to Me

By Charles van Ormer

To me, it means everything. Family history has been a part of my church experience, even from the very beginning. This is my story.

I was converted to the Gospel of Christ on a cold winter’s day in Anchorage, Alaska. It had been a dark and treacherous winter, and a dark and treacherous time in my life. It was December, and only a week before Christmas. I was seventeen and struggling to find purpose and direction in life.

It was the night of the Snowball dance at West High School. I chose not to go, but spent the night driving around town in the snow. Just before midnight on December 17, 1993, I parked my car and contemplated my existence up to that point in my life. And, for the first time in my life, I uttered my first sincere prayer. I needed to know what my life was for. What came next was unexpected and life changing.

As a sat in my car, in the dark and cold, my answers came: I am here to be happy. The simplicity of that message might not appear profound here and now, but the feelings associated with that declaration left no doubt in my mind that it was not only true, but very possible, even for a backward boy like me. I was filled with light and joy unlike I had ever experienced before. It was all at once life changing.

In the swift series of events that followed I was also visited with another experience. I was come upon with the presence of my departed Grandfather on my Father’s side. I knew in an instance that life did continue beyond the grave and what was more, my own people were waiting for me there and were interested in my success here on Earth. I had never met my Grandfather in life. He had passed away before I was born. However, I knew him in an instant, and he has been with me ever since. I knew then, even moments into my conversion, that I had a connection with departed spirits and that somehow I would be connected with them through the Gospel.

Time passed and I was baptized. Although, I have never mentioned this experience to anyone, that spring my family took a vacation to Arizona. There I had the opportunity to be baptized for my Grandfather in the Mesa, Arizona Temple. This was a very satisfying experience.

Years later, in 2005, while attending Law School in Spokane, Washington, my thoughts again began to turn to family history work while working on an Indian Law case for the Clinic. Part of my assignment was to research the family history for a client to establish American Indian ancestry. At this same time I began doing my own family history work.

The drive to do the work for my ancestors was a constant force in my life. I thought of my connections with my Grandfather, and my mind began to turn to all of the members of my family who were waiting for their work to be done on the other side of the veil. Since that time I have traced back my family history as far as I am capable. 

I have found my life blessed in very tangible ways as I dedicate myself to family history work. I have discovered I have a past. I have a history of faith, hard work and service in my family. This history is a part of me and gives me great strength.

Among my notable discoveries is William van Ormer, who led a regiment out of Pennsylvania during the Civil War. Capitan van Ormer fought in Manassas and Gettysburg and survived both battles. His son, Abraham, was a Lutheran Minister in the small town of VanOrmer, PA. He was a learned man and produced many written works regarding the life and ministry of the Savior.

On my paternal-grandmother’s side I am related to Frank Hines, the very first Veterans Administrator for the Federal Government. I am descended from farmers, who survived the Dust Bowl during the depression by moving from Kansas to Oregon. I have been able to trace my common ancestry with Spencer W. Kimball. President Kimball descended from one of two brothers whose father came from England to America. I am descended to the other brother.

My family history is very meaningful to me. It has been the means of bringing me into the Gospel and I have in turn been a means of bringing them salvation by performing sacred ordinances for them vicariously in the temple. This work has been a great strength for my family and me as we work out our own salvation together as a family.

- Charles

Do you know how happy this made me?! 

What a treasure… thanks for helping me find it, Charles! 

To Where you Are

I went to the Temple this morning. I wanted to go a few weeks ago, but I was just not ready yet. I am still learning to control the ugly cry… I am getting better at it. I find that if I just let the tears come freely, I am better able to avoid the bursting-out of body trembling emotion. (I do NOT promise never to ugly-cry in public, it may happen, sorry in advance.) 

The temple was beautiful. It was just what I needed. I shed many tears. So many things come to mind when you are sitting in The House of God. I did feel Charles very near there with me. More than anything, I just felt a sense of peace and comfort. I feel peace and comfort so powerfully now -- my comfort is equal to the trial I am facing. Amazing! Sometimes I ask myself, "How can it be?" 

Why do I feel so at peace with all of this? Is there something wrong with me? 

The thing is, despite my grief and sorrow for the loss of my sweetheart -- I KNOW that God lives, and that death is a part of life. It is a part of life we ALL must face. It is a part of life we don't really like to talk about too much, but now it is part of my daily dialogue. I also know where Charles is right now. I know what he is doing, and I know he is free from sorrow and pain, and worldly cares. I find myself drawing closer and closer to the things of Heaven as I study, pray, and seek after those things. I am so comforted by the knowledge that I have of the gospel of Jesus Christ. 

I have been focusing my gospel/scripture study lately on the Spirit World, and things pertaining to life after death. The Spirit World has suddenly become a very tangible place for me. When half of your whole is there, it makes the link to Heaven, and Heavenly things, that much stronger. (If you want to learn more about what happens after you die, go to www.lds.org and search "Spirit World".)

I admit I was hoping for something special to occur with this temple visit. The temple experience was wonderful, and powerful -- but it was immediately after leaving the temple, getting in the car, and turning on some music that my heart was touched, and my special moment occurred. 

Just as soon as I started the car, a song came on called, "To Where you Are." It was performed by Celtic Women. Both my mom and I sat in wonderment as we listened to the message of the song. It was as if someone had picked it out special just for me. I was driving down the freeway with tears in my eyes, and a burning in my heart. I knew the song was no accident. Heavenly Father knows the best way to get to me is through music. 

The song was beautiful and painful at the same time. The pain and beauty of music now… I will blog about that another day. 

Do you know how much I love Charles? Do you know the kind of love that we have? I just feel so blessed having that love in my life. I know it is a special kind of love that very few people get to enjoy. And though my time with him on Earth was cut short, he is mine forever, and I am his. OK, OUCH, I can't think about our love too much right now -- it kind of hurts. *Sniff*

I love him forever. Thank goodness for forever… if I did not know I have forever with him, I would be a wreck. 

Here are the lyrics to the beautiful song…I was going to post a video of the lady singing it, but the video is not as powerful as just hearing it. Maybe I will try singing it sometime… Josh Groban also sings the song if you want to google it. 

"To Where You Are"

Who can say for certain

Maybe you're still here

I feel you all around me

Your memory's so clear

Deep in the stillness

I can hear you speak

You're still an inspiration

Can it be

That you are mine

Forever love

And you are watching over me from up above

Fly me up to where you are

Beyond the distant star

I wish upon tonight

To see you smile

If only for awhile to know you're there

A breath away's not far

To where you are

Are you gently sleeping

Here inside my dream

And isn't faith believing

All power can't be seen

As my heart holds you

Just one beat away

I cherish all you gave me everyday

'Cause you are my

Forever love

Watching me from up above

And I believe

That angels breathe

And that love will live on and never leave

Fly me up

To where you are

Beyond the distant star

I wish upon tonight

To see you smile

If only for awhile

To know you're there

A breath away's not far

To where you are

I know you're there

A breath away's not far

To where you are

I love the temple. Because of the covenants and blessings performed in the temple, I get to be with my love for time and eternity. That knowledge lifts my soul to indescribable happiness, and joy -- even now. Especially now! Charles has passed onto the next stage of life, a beautiful, restful, glorious phase of life. He is so alive, and so happy -- I testify of that. I am alive, and I am happy, too. Both Heavenly Father, and Charles, want me to be happy -- so I had better be! Right? Right! 

Each day is a gift from God.

Live and love life to the very fullest!