There and Back Again

I have been on quite the journey. Did you miss me? I sure missed blogging. And my home and friends. But there was always too much going on to take a moment to write. It was kind of nice to take a break from everything -- it was super nice, actually. I needed it. It was hard not to blog for two weeks (blogging is therapeutic for me), but I am back, and I will be updating regularly again. Yeah!

Traveling was the right thing to do. I was able to travel with my family to a bunch of different places, and it really helped to put things in perspective. My mind was able to wander into new territory, as I experienced a variety of unique places and people.

Sometimes we can become very comfortable in our little home bubbles that we live in. I personally love the bubble that is my home. But the world is really so big, with so many wondrous places to explore, and new people to rub shoulders with. It was good to leave home for awhile, and go on an exciting adventure.

I learned a lot of new things while I was gone. I will be writing about some of the things I learned and experienced. My thoughts and feelings were all over the place on the journey, but I purposefully kept my heart open, and I felt uplifted and inspired while traveling. It was so good to get away from routine, and it was wonderful to have fun, and enjoy such precious time with my family.

I sure missed Charles -- he was so fun to travel with -- but I decided before I left that I was not going to think about what was lacking on the trip. I decided to focus on the blessings of the now. I was grateful for the people I did get to travel with. I was with my parents, my children, my brothers, and other dear family. It was not a trip to mourn life without Charles, it was a trip to celebrate life in the present. You better believe he was with us, smiling at our joy and happiness. He felt very close.

It was such a fantastic trip. It was amazing in so many ways. Beautiful memories were made, and will be treasures forever. My heart is bursting with gratitude for the gift of traveling so freely, and the ability to see parts of the marvelous world we live in.

It was awesome.

Now it is time to try and get back to reality. It might take me a little while, I feel like I have not been in reality for 2 weeks. This week will require a lot of adjusting and recovery, and catching-up with the piles of mail and things to sort out. But after the long journey, I am ready to be home.

And I am ready to blog again.

I will be posting many, many, many, pictures and stories...

I am back!

P.S. My dad took the picture of me in the Redwoods in California. I just loved the shot. It looks like I am walking through the gates of Heaven. It was so beautiful there. One of my favorite places. 

Taking a Blog Break... For Some FUN!

I will not be blogging for awhile. I am with family, and we are intent on having glorious FUN! My parents have flown down from Alaska -- they brought the snow with them -- and we are going to enjoy a vacation and the holidays. 

So, for the next few weeks, you might not see me here... unless I feel super inspired/find the time to blog. I hope I do... but I am not going to stress about it. I kind of want to just be free from everything, and soak all the good times in. 

I need it. The last 8 months have been insane. 

I do not expect peace and relaxation -- I have 4 kids! I do not expect going "Wa-hoo" will solve my problems, change my heart, or lift my burdens. But I do anticipate having fun times, and making great memories with my family. I do plan on smiling, screaming for joy, and having magic fill my soul with moments of happiness that I can treasure forever -- because we get to take our memories with us, even when we die! 

I will, of course, be taking my camera, and capturing as much as I can. And I will be writing my experiences in my heart, until I can return and record them here on the blog. I expect a full spectrum of feelings to travel with me on the trip. 

I have prayed to have joy in the journey. 

I woke-up yesterday and I had a very clear impression made in my mind, as if I were hearing Charles' voice. I was told, "You are here to be happy." They were the exact words I needed to hear. It was as if I was being given permission to experience joy and happiness, not only while on vacation -- but for life. Sometimes, I admit, I feel a little guilty having fun right now -- I wish Charles were here to have fun too. But I have to remember he will be with us. Especially when we are happy and having fun! 

I am excited for our adventure. Say an extra prayer for us that all will go relatively smoothly! 

I am bringing Charles' vacation shirt along for luck! 

We will be trading this snow for sandy beaches and sunshine...

I hope to bring the sunshine back with me in my soul! 

I'll be back with stories to tell! 

I'll miss you! ;)  

Where the Heaven Are You?

I often wonder where Charles is living.  I mean, I know where he is -- in the Spirit World -- but where is that exactly, and where is he taking care of his Spirit World business? I cannot help but wonder. He is my beloved husband, and my best friend. I promise, you would wonder too.

We know the Spirit World is on this earth, and that the spirits of the departed are all around us. There is just a veil between the spiritual sphere, and our physical sphere. It is a very frustrating veil to me, but also necessary to the plan of salvation.

We mortals are parted by our physically limited vision of the spirits who are more refined and pure. But technically -- as I understand it anyways -- we occupy the same world. Our loved ones who have passed on walk beside us, or at least they walk the very same earth. (I believe they travel a lot, quickly, and freely.) They are not floating around somewhere in space, in a far off land we know nothing about. No, they are here, with us. They can see us, and they are concerned for our well-being.

Our known and loved departed, and our ancient ancestors -- they are all watching us, and cheering for us. Is that not a pleasant thought? Yes it is! It's pleasant because it's true.

Yes, I believe in guardian angels. I believe I have armies of them, actually. So don't mess with me. ;)

I find it interesting that those who are faithful on both sides of the veil are waiting for the same thing: for Jesus to return. Those hanging out without their physical bodies are just as anxious (if not more so) for Him to come again, and bring with Him the Resurrection of those who have died, and to bring peace to this world. Those on both sides of the veil are working hard to preach the gospel of Christ, to prepare as many souls as possible to return to Jesus. We are all Heavenly Father's children, He loves us, and He wants us all to come back to Him.

I know I sure look forward to the day when Jesus will come again! Hooray! I am super excited to see Charles again, but I also look forward to a glorious reunion with my ancestors. I know them, because I have learned of them, and they are my friends. I look forward to gathering with them, discussing deep doctrine from their persective, and sharing handcart pulling stories. I particularly look forward to singing with them... there were some pretty decent singers in my family, so we will have quite the Heavenly chorus. What a sound that will be!

For now, Charles and I are separated by that veil parting our two worlds, and the veil is strong. However, there are moments when it is made more transparent -- not with my human eyes, but with my spiritual eyes. I long for and seek after those moments.

But every day I wake-up, and I cannot help but wonder, "Where the Heaven are you, Charles?" Sometimes I will see something that reminds me of him, or I will hear a powerfully moving song, and I will feel this rush of adrenaline flood through my body, and I am caused to wonder where he is in that moment. I tend to think that those adrenaline-rush moments are when he is close to me. It is like he is saying, "Hey there, I love you! Can you feel that?"  

I know that his once beautiful body is lying in a grave, decaying, and turning to dust. It is not a pretty thought, but it is a reality. It would probably cause me to freakout, actually, if I thought that was the end of him. But I know that he is not there, lying in his silk-lined casket in the mountains. His empty mortal husk is sleeping under 6 feet of dirt, but Charles -- my Charles -- is very much alive, and well, and happy... walking the streets of who-knows-where. He often talked of Australia, and tropical places, but I also know his heart belonged to Alaska... maybe he hangs out there? You Alaskan folks should keep an eye out for him... just saying.

I sure wish we knew more about the way things really work after we die -- all the beautiful details -- but so much is left a mystery, and for good reason. If we knew everything, and saw everything, then there would be no need for faith. And that is why we are here. We are here to test that faith, to see if we will believe. Actually, we already know our Father in Heaven, and Jesus, we all walked with Them before we came to earth. I suppose we just need to remember what, and Who, we already know.

Remember who you are... who you really are! 

My faith has been taken to a new level. I am not talking about my faith as in my religion -- I mean faith as in believing without seeing. I am totally fine in believing -- even knowing God -- without seeing Him. Experiencing His miracles is good enough for me. But going without seeing Charles -- the man that I am "one" with, the father of my children, my eternal companion, my forever love, my best friend -- now that is a completely different kind of faith-testing.

It is the kind of faith-testing trial that will make you, or break you.

I cannot describe it well enough, and unless you have experienced death of a dear loved one, I cannot help you to understand completely what I am trying to say. Let me just say that death of a loved one is perhaps one of the greatest trials of faith you ever have to pass through in this life. Even with the knowledge that I have of the eternal plan, it still hurts here and now. It hurts less with time, but no matter what the future holds, I will always have that loss as part of my story. I will always carry the scars of a broken heart.

I had a moment today where an image from the hospital room flashed into my head. It was a bad image of Charles with his eyes rolling back in his head, and his body flopping around like a fish. It was so scary to see him like that. He was always so strong and healthy, watching his body so swollen and empty was very disturbing and painful. His vacant rolling eyes haunt me still. He never stopped to open his eyes and look at me. His body and spirit seemed to be fighting against each other in his final moments. But his body won the battle... or did it? 

I am really interested to ask Charles what that moment was like for him, from his perspective. I have a list of things to ask Charles, actually. A very long list. I look forward to that conversation. I have always loved talking to him. I miss our conversations desperately. There is probably only one thing I miss more.

I just cannot help but wonder where he is, and what he is doing, even right this minute. Who does he hang out with? Which ancestors does he get along with the best? Which lands has he visited? What is his favorite thing to do? What's his favorite spirit world color? I have so many questions!

I do not know a lot of things, and I will just have to wait my turn to find out the answers. But I do know one thing for sure, and that is what he told me...

He is more powerful than he has ever been.

And that is an exciting thought!

The Spirit World is a better place because he is there.


P.S. While I was typing this post the song, "To Where you Are," by Josh Groban came on... pretty amazing. Google it if you have never heard it. 

A Widow's View on Motherhood

Motherhood is under attack. The very hands that raise the generations are being slapped, again and again. Mothers are bombarded with constant messages that devalue their sacred work. The angels who hold the most distinguished title that there is on this earth, need a pat on the back for their glorious and eternal work.

Mothers are simply marvelous.

"The homemaker has the ultimate career. All other careers exist for one purpose only, and that is to support the ultimate career." - C.S. Lewis

I believe in motherhood. I believe that motherhood is the ultimate career. I believe that families should do whatever they can to make it possible for the mother to be in the home, with the children. I readily recognize that this is not always possible -- but so often it could be, with a little bit of sacrifice and effort. Despite what some might say, it is worth the sacrifice. If all mothers in the world purposefully left the home and their children for material pursuits, the world would quickly disintegrate into a very terrifying place of darkness.

That's a promise.

I will admit that staying home with my children was not as important to me, as it has become. I had some tough decisions to make right before I gave birth to my first child. But with encouragement from my husband, and after much soul-searching and prayer -- I knew that I must stay home with my sweet babies. I was willing to do whatever it took to help support and provide for our family, and we were blessed with opportunities for me to do that, including managing the apartment building we lived in.

We made the choice for me to be at home, and the way was provided for us. Not an easy way, or a golden-paved road to glory way -- but there was a path, a challenging path, and we followed it.

Charles and I have made sacrifices -- large and small -- so that I could be home with the children. We have certainly done without many frivolities over the years -- including a time while in college, where we went without a car in Alaska. Charles always worked hard to provide monetarily for the family, while I have worked hard to provide for our family's peace and well-being. It has not been easy. But we have never, ever, regretted it.

As a widow, I still do not regret it. And I never will.

Motherhood is hard work! Staying home with your children can be physically and emotionally taxing. Show me a career that isn't. When you commit your life to the care of another person, you are expanding the capacity of love in your heart -- and that expanding process can be painful! Sometimes you sacrifice your own worldly pursuits and pleasures, to raise your children with love and a sense of security. Just remember you cannot take your worldly possessions with you when you die. I suppose you could stick them in your casket, per your request... though I doubt you'll care much then. However, your children can be yours forever. 

Which treasures will you pursue? 

I say all of this now, as the head of my household. It has been required of me to take on both roles in my home -- I now provide and nurture. The responsibility which ideally requires two -- a mother and a father -- is now placed solely upon my shoulders. It is a good thing I have broad shoulders. The way has been prepared for me to do both -- provide and nurture -- and I have been blessed. I find myself able to rise to the occasion, with Heavenly help, and I am very grateful.

I know how to be frugal. I eat frugal for second breakfast.

I believe in motherhood now, more than ever before. I believe that -- if it is possible -- you should make every effort to be home with your children. And I mean EVERY effort. Live small, live tight, live however you have to. The sacrifice is worth the blessings.

Before having my first child, I would consider myself kind of wishy-washy on the subject of mothers in the home. But now, I believe in it with all that I am. I know, my dear friends, that it is not always a possibility, I know it. But if it is... please, please, please, do what it takes to make it possible. And may Heaven bless you. If it is not possible to stay home with your children -- especially you dear single mothers -- than Heaven bless you doubly. Do your best, and it will be good enough!

Not all situations are ideal -- mine is certainly not -- but I still believe in the ideal. I will still preach the ideal. I may not have the "perfect family" situation, but I still believe in it!

I believe in it, because I have lived it, and I love it.

Mothers, your children need you at home. You are amazing. You are wonderful. You are the boss!

Don't let anyone tell you that there is something more important than the ultimate career.

Without mothers the world would be utterly wasted and empty.

Stand tall, Mothers. Darkness is gathered against you to defeat you.

You must not break, or give-up.

God needs YOU now.


P.S. I believe in Fatherhood too.

Fun Fall Family Photo Shoot

I think Fall family pictures are beautiful. The colors are just so vibrant and wonderful. I had the pleasure of practicing taking pictures with some friends. We were all a little chilly, but it was still fun.

I particularly love taking pictures of these cute girls... they are such lovely princesses to capture, and so willing, too. I just think little girls are so precious. If I had a quality camera when Sammi was little, I would have taken pictures of her all day long! I am glad I can at least practice with some beautiful girls.

One fun thing that happened -- while I was taking pictures -- was I fell flat on my face. I was walking along the river, while looking at my camera, and I tripped over a large piece of wood. It was embarrassing, but I managed not to damage myself, or my camera! Somehow, miraculously -- it did not hurt. It was like someone softened the blow. My life did flash before my eyes though. Falling is such a weird thing. It makes you feel very mortal. (And stupid!) 

I believe in family pictures. I am so grateful I had ours taken when we did, so now I have a big beautiful picture of our whole family on our living room wall -- it is priceless to me. I have one above my bed, too.

If you have not had a family picture in awhile, go find a photographer and make it happen! It is so worth it! Trust me! Pictures are everything to me now. Fall is a great time for pictures, but anytime of year works... though it will require bundling up now! BRRrrrrr!

So, on to the good stuff... this family is so stinking cute! Love them!