Sweet Notes of Encouragement

I often wonder if I am making a difference. I write, I teach, and give some small portion of my time to try and uplift others, and offer whatever abilities and talents I might have to share goodness and light. I do not do it for praise, or some other purposes. I make no money from my blog, teaching, or speaking, and I actually have to pay to keep my .com going. I share my thoughts, my feelings, and my experiences, because I feel compelled to do it.

Something drives me to do it. A force beyond my own.

If I can make a difference in the life of just one person, then my efforts -- whatever they may be -- are worth it to me. Because one person is never just one person. That one person could change the world! I write, teach, etc., for the one. 

I receive much of my validation from my Heavenly Father. I have always had a special connection with Him. I have some thoughts that enter my mind, of course, that are not pleasant, and I can get very discouraged at times -- but there is a more powerful voice that conquers all doubt and fear, and that is the voice of God. I try to hear His voice, and when I listen to Him, I am filled with hope and confidence -- a confidence that defies my natural tendency to weakness, worry, and fear.

Though I find contentment and confidence from that validation from my Heavenly Father, it is always nice to hear it from others, too. I would carry on with what I am doing if I never had any feedback. If I were writing for myself alone, or speaking to an empty classroom, I would still do it. Because I love it. And it makes me happy. And it is what God wants me to do.

However, the other day, I received a note from a teenager at church that really touched my heart, and made all my efforts well worth it. It was a precious note, and a well-timed boost for my spirit. (READ NOTE ABOVE.)

This same boy has asked me to participate in a Future Leaders event at the high school. From what I understand, I will be part of a panel of selected people, and the youth can ask questions, and have an unscripted discussion about pretty much anything. He said he heard the word "courage" as one of the topics, and thought of me. How sweet is that? I am super excited about the event. It should be really fun. I love the youth!

I do have stacks of notes, letters, cards, comments, and gifts -- people have been so sweet to me, and my family. I am so grateful for all of the encouragement showered upon us, it means the world to me.

To "encourage" means: to inspire with courage, spirit, or hope.

I think I found a new favorite word.

Fear Not

I created this picture today. The girl represents me. The angels -- my ancestors and loved ones -- represent having courage to face the trials of life. I cling to courage, and the angels cling to me. I am not alone. 

"Fear not. For they that be with us are more than they that be with them."  2 Kings 6:16 

Courage to Come to Christ

I love Jesus. I always have. I always will. I have believed and relied on Him since I was a little girl. Throughout my life, I have had experiences that have brought me closer to him. But I have never experienced anything as powerful as what I have been through lately. I simply cannot survive without relying on Him. But with Him, I have experienced power to rise above sorrow and pain. With Him I feel my future is bright and full of hope! He is still working His mighty miracles -- make no mistake about that!

I know that Jesus is my Savior because of the feelings in my heart. They are undeniable feelings that burn, and fill my whole being with truth and light. I can be listening to a song, or reading a scripture, or watching a video, and an intense feeling of truth will swirl within my soul. I love that feeling. I seek after it. I love truth... especially in this world filled with deception and confusion.

I have had a desire to draw myself closer to Jesus by studying His life more thoroughly. I read of Him in the scriptures, I attend the temple often, and lately I have been watching the beautiful videos that the church has produced about His life.

We watch them as a family, and I like to use them for Family Home Evening lessons. I am so often brought to tears as I watch such marvelous truth. Seeing His miracles, and watching Him suffer on the cross... it all feels so familiar to me, it is like being reminded of information I already know. Not from lessons of my childhood, but from before that -- when I lived with my Heavenly Father, before I was born. There is nothing as comforting for me as watching how Jesus lived, and what He taught. It is like being home.

The love I have for Jesus is everything to me. Oh how I wish everyone could feel that love for Him. I wish that everyone would come to Him, and find the joy the gospel brings.

I think it is so important to have a personal relationship with Jesus -- now, more than ever. He will be coming back -- who knows when? When He does come, I want to know Him, and I want Him to know me. As I study His life, and seek after His ways, I feel closer to Him. I understand Him better. It is a beautiful thing.

Following the Savior is going to take courage in these latter-days. I hear voices filled with confusion and doubt over this-and-that topics, or questions about life and dizzying philosophies. People are led astray by that awful voice of convincing confusion. It is sad when faith is replaced with doubt. It is a tragedy to see people constantly seeking, and never finding. I see it nearly everyday -- even on my own Facebook feed -- filled with people from my past and my present. I sure wish more people would send out messages of truth and light! We have been asked to use those social media tools for that purpose. We are meant to let our light shine... in all times, in all things, in all places. You never know what small message of hope and light might change a life! People are searching for truth, whether they know it or not! Shall we not give it to them? 

I feel an urgency about coming closer to Christ, and sharing His gospel. It is not something that can wait for another day. I need to be close to Him now, and I need to testify of Him now. Today! I am doing my best. I can feel His powerful influence in my life leading and guiding me as I let Him. I am so grateful, so very grateful for Him.

Oh, how I love Jesus!

I particularly love this very short video... I know what it feels like to be lying in defeat, only to have Jesus lift me up again. 

For mobile device click: HERE


To watch all of the bible videos about Jesus click: HERE. They are amazing!

No Fear

Saddling Up

Tomorrow should be fun! I am teaching both gospel doctrine class, and speaking at the stake youth fireside. My brain is on spiritual-information overload! I woke-up this morning and freaked-out a little, with anticipation, and excitement. To calm myself, I went for a long run by the river, and I also spent the afternoon in the temple, soaking in Heaven's light.

My heart is full, and my hope is to get the feelings of my heart across as I speak. Every time I sit down and try to write out any of my thoughts for the fireside, I am stopped. I have a few bullet points, and that's it. Otherwise, it is all in my heart, and in my head… and I will let the Spirit guide my words. That makes it really exciting for me! I could easily write out a talk and read it at the pulpit, but that is not what I am doing. I will be down in front of the pulpit, so that I can better connect, and communicate the message I have been inspired to give.

I don't mind speaking, or teaching in front of large groups of people, especially when the topic is the gospel -- it's my favorite subject! But no matter how much I love it, I always get butterflies of anticipation beforehand -- once I am up in front of the microphone all the anxiousness melts away, and I enjoy myself!

I'm just going to pretend I'm in a really big living room, with a bunch of friends. And I will speak from my heart. My heart has plenty of writing on it… and those are the words that will be unleashed tomorrow!

For now, I take comfort in this thought…

I will do my best to help others come to Christ! 

P.S. I have my chocolate ice-cream ready for me when I am all done. I will come home, relax on the couch with a quiet movie, and breath a sigh of relief! Whew! ;-)

Nighty Noodle! Hope I can sleep!

Defying Gravity

Up the hill I went. I had a particular rock I was trying to reach. It was a rock that you can safely sit on, that overlooks the entire city. It was the most beautiful evening, with a hint of coolness in the air, and the sun was lying low in the Idaho sky. I was going up the hill on purpose, seeking inspiration.

I had church music playing for this uphill run. I knew I needed to keep my mind pure and clear, in order to receive the revelation I was after. The music about the Savior, the perfect temperature, the sun gently kissing my face, and the glow of golden grass made me feel like the spiritual being, in a physical world, that I really am. I felt transformed. The colors of the evening were crisp and clear. The blue of the sky, the green of the trees, the gold of the grass, all were shimmering in the divine light… it was Heavenly.

I pushed beyond the pain of uphill running, and found my rock of revelation.

As I sat there, filled with endorphins, and clarity -- I felt empowered from on High. More than whispered words, and insight -- I was infused with light and feeling. I felt… free. My physically body melted away from feeling for a time, and I saw the world through spiritual eyes. The veil of this mortal life felt very thin, and the world seemed a perfect glowing haven. It was breathtaking.

I sat on the rock for quite a long time, drinking in Heaven's light and glory. Light. Power. Strength. It felt like a "Superman moment" when he went into the mountain, spoke with his father, discovered who he was, and that he could fly. On my rock above the city, talking with my Heavenly Father, I was soaring above the clouds of life.

We all have a spark of superhero in us… a reason that we are here. And we have powers we have been given, to be used for the good of mankind -- to help save the world. We are all stronger than we think we are! Inside our fleshy weakness -- and decaying mortal bodies -- is a spirit so powerful and celestial, that we can hardly comprehend our own glory. As we are burdened with the task of carting our flesh around, sometimes we forget we are not from this world, but a Heavenly one, and we are destined for a place magnificent and bright beyond compare.

But we should not forget who we really are! Not ever! Inside of each of us -- no matter the condition of the body -- is a spirit that can fly!

Can't you feel that?

We may feel heavy now -- as we endure the weights of the world -- but if we endure them well, we will SOAR! We will be HEAVENLY! We will be FREE!

I know it.

How awesome will that be?

I know Charles always wanted to fly. He dreamt about it all the time. He was super here, and he is even more super now. His own words after death were, "I'm more powerful than I have ever been!" And I know he is. One day he will be even more super-duper, when Jesus comes back, and Charles will get to be reunited with his body in perfect, and celestial form! I can't wait to see that! Woo, Charles! :-)

We all have great, divine, power within us! There is a dark and slithery someone who wants to smoother your power, and make you feel weak, alone, worthless, and fill you full of doubt and despair. And there is an Omnipotently more powerful and loving Someone, who wants you to let your divine power loose, and use it to change the world!

Listen to Jesus, not the other guy.

Let that flying, celestial, spirit inside of you soar… don't let anyone, or anything, bring your down!

Defy Gravity.

Unlimited… the future is unlimited… 

Because of Jesus.

P.S. "Defy Gravity" is my quote for the day. ;-)

The Show Must Go On… No Matter What

Life doesn't stop for anything, or anyone. My life has changed, but it has certainly not stopped. Charles may have died, and his life has definitely changed, but his life has not stopped. He is living in a different way -- he is now a spirit, and without his physical body -- but he is still living, and actively doing what he needs to do. He is not just lounging around in the spirit world, pondering the meaning of life after death. He is busy, perhaps having a bit of a hard time adjusting to the change… just like me.

But despite the unplanned changes for both of us… the show must go on. For me, and for him. Neither of us can sit idle until death takes me, or Resurrection reunites me with him. It just doesn't work that way. I cannot take a long nap until I see him again. There is too much to do!

I was at the Dentist the other day, discussing death, and life, with the lady who was cleaning my teeth (I talk about death with everyone now). Her mother had passed away when she was 10, and so we had a discussion about our experiences. With her experience with death, she said at one point that, "Life just goes on." And it is true. As much as you might want a "breather" or some time to really stop and reassess things… life really does go on, and there is not much you can do about it. The world keeps spinning, along with your head -- sometimes in opposing directions, to cause a grand headache!

Honestly, the last week or so I have felt emotionally dizzy. I have just had so much to do -- normal, day-to-day stuff, that just has to get done. But at the same time, my heart has been bursting with emotion -- emotions that come with no warning or reason -- they are just there. My emotions just sit, and wait, and plan their exit by way of my eyes… sometimes when I least expect it! No fair! 

I have spent the last few weeks going to multiple dentist appointments, multiple doctor appointments, setting-up orthodontist appointments, preparing for Scout camp, and Young Women's camp, organizing our house, going shopping for food/necessities, balancing the budget, talking to my attorney, closing down a law firm, buying my own burial plot next to Charles…and that is just the tip of the new-life iceberg. And next week looks about the same… including Henry's kidney appointments. There is so much more that goes on behind my scenes that I can never talk about, or share. Let's just say the things I have to think about are mindbogglingly crazy. (Is "mindbogglingly" even a word? Spell check didn't correct it, so it must be, right?) 

Life just does not stop. If I want to mourn, or cry, or grieve, it has to be done while I am doing other things. Really the only good time to cry is at night, but sometimes I am just too tired to cry by then -- I just want to sleep, or blog and write about it. ;-)

With each of these recent appointments, there has always been something to trigger a twinge of buried-emotion. For example, in almost every medical/dental/etc. form, you have to fill out your marital status. Now I get to circle the "W" (for widowed), instead of the "M"(for married).  There are a bunch of things like that that pop-up, all over the place, with every form, everywhere. Even on the Church directory, I am listed as the "head of the household" and Charles is no longer on the list. I do try and brace myself now, when I go to new places/do new things -- you never know what emotional roller-coaster you will be jumping on, at any moment of the day.

It's a good thing I was cut from the cloth of tough-cookiness. (I think I just made another new word!) 

But, with all of the crazy, I am keeping my head up, through it all. Sometimes when I am grinding the grindstone of details and business I just think, "Just do it, just do what it takes -- I will survive! " I am also trying to be a good mother, while balancing details and my emotions -- and that can be tricky. The children cannot see that I am deep in thought, or feeling, or details, when they need me for something. They still need me to just be mom, and a happy mom at that. (No pressure!) 

And I do try and choose to be happy -- not just for the sake of the children -- but for me!  I do not run around like a peppy-fairy of sparkles and joy (I have never been that!), but I am not miserable and lame, either. I am just me -- mothering my way -- I think I am pretty much the same as I was before. I'll have to ask the kids…

One of the things that really helps me feel happier is to exercise.

I run, or bike, or do something pretty much everyday. I have to. It is the only way for me to really release everything that is inside, and let it out in a physical way. I also wear sunglasses when I run, so you cannot tell if I am crying, because my tears just smear in with my sweat, and my eyes are hidden behind my dark shades. However, crying can be really hard to breathe through properly, if you really let it all out -- and I have.

Sometimes, I've had to run at night, because it is so stinking hot. I load up all the kids on their bikes (Sammi pulls Henry in the bike-puller), and we head out as the sun goes down. One of my favorite things to do is run while listening to my favorite Nat King Cole station. It is not really upbeat running music, it is more relaxing and soothing, and allows me to have a beautiful nighttime-running experience.

At night, there is a purple glow in the sky. The air is filled with the smell of warm sagebrush, and a slight cool breeze will pass over my endorphin-filled body -- it is magical. This kind of moment happened for me tonight at the same time the song, "Smile," came on. One of my favorite songs ever...  

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you… 

Those were the words I heard as I made my way up a steep hill. When I was halfway up the hill, all my kids hopped off their bikes, came running down, and said, "We have come to help you to the top!" How could I not smile with such a team on my side? My heart soared with joy for my beautiful children.

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

Just smile… 

Even though sometimes things are hard, and my head can almost burst with the emotions I feel -- life is still good, and I have many, many, many, many, etc., reasons to smile!  I am, fortunately, blessed with the ability to see the beauty in simple things around me, simple blessings, and the wonders of God. Yes, I feel sad… utterly sad sometimes. Just tonight I called out to Charles on my way home from running, I yelled, "Charles, where the heck are you right now? I want to know!" In that moment, my heart felt like a marshmallow, that had fallen into the campfire.

But this is my life. 

I may be a young widow, with a heavy load to carry -- but I am still supposed to be happy! 

I get this one life to live. I now recognize how valuable life really is. Each day is a gift. This day is a gift. Tomorrow -- no matter how busy, and stressful it may be -- is a gift to me.

Tomorrow I have another chance to wake-up and choose a happy life.

I am not talking about faking happy, and being all cheesy and bubbly. (That's not really my style, I am pretty mellow.) I am talking about the happiness that comes from having peace in my heart, because I know that no matter what happens to me -- Jesus is with me. He knows my pain, He knows my sorrow, and He will lift me up when I am low -- if I let Him. He can take my charred burning-marshmallow heart out of the fire, and make it white and fluffy again.

I join the Mormon Pioneers who would sing the words, "All is Well," even when all is not well.

As Elder Uchtdorf wrote: 

"So often our excuses for not being happy are in reality trivial and vain, as though we are looking for a reason to be at odds with the world—as though we want to prove somehow that we cannot experience joy.

The pioneers knew that the things around them did not determine their happiness, but the things within most certainly did. And with that spirit they found happiness in every circumstance and in every trial—even in those trials that reached down and troubled the deep waters of their very souls.

They understood that happiness doesn’t come as a result of luck or accident. It most certainly doesn’t come from having all of our wishes come true. Happiness doesn’t come from external circumstance.  It comes from the inside—regardless of what is happening around us."

For the full text of one of the best talks ever spoken go: HERE 

All is Well! 

A Conversation with Mari

For mobile devices click: HERE.

Find Courage to Continue

Our family has a theme, that we now live by daily. It is: Find Courage to Continue. It started a few years ago, when Charles and I were involved in the Youth Pioneer Trek, as a Ma and Pa. (One of the BEST experiences of my life, thus far!) 

Each family had to make a flag for the back of the family handcart. One night, our Trek family got together at the church, to create our flag. We had a blank piece of red material, and we laid it out on the kitchen counter, and started brainstorming. It took some time -- and some good and bad ideas -- but then, somehow, it just came together. 

Little did Charles know that piece of red material in front of him would mean so much to us later on… 

It was determined that "Courage to Continue" was a good idea, but then we wanted another word to go with it. I mentioned the word "have." For me -- being the tough-girl that I am -- I figured you just kind of deal with what comes, and HAVE courage to carry on. But the kids disagreed. They determined that a better word would be "find." They said that there may be times when you just don't have courage, and you will have to find it! With that explanation, how could I argue? Find Courage to Continue became our Family Motto.  How wise those kids were… there have been many moments recently, where I have definitely had to FIND my courage! 

That motto was with us the entire time we were pushing and pulling our handcarts, in the blazing-hot sun, during TREK. It was an amazing and challenging experience, but so inspiring and wonderful. You would be surprised at how heavy a handcart is… my respect for the Mormon Pioneers was lifted to new heights of appreciation and respect.

This picture is the screensaver on my computer… who is that handsome man with the beard? Woo-Hoo! 

We had this picture below blown-up and framed for Charles' Life Celebration. It was all ready to go, and then… we could not find it! It was nowhere to be found in my house, or in the cars, and we even considered that it was left on top of the car and fell off somewhere -- but we retraced every step, and it was no where to be seen! It just vanished. It is STILL missing… I am still hoping that someone, somewhere, will find it -- and that there will be some cool story to go with it! 

Little did we know that the same flag that we followed pushing our handcart, would be displayed at Charles' funeral just a few years later… 

And that it would be hanging over his muddy grave… 

And that the message would be displayed in our house… (Both the picture and the sign were a gift after he died.)

And that Sammi would create an art sculpture at school, portraying her dad, and what she called her, "Heavenly Message." 



Little did we know how meaningful the message -- and the flag -- would be for our family on that day we created it with our TREK family, a few years ago. At the end of TREK one of the boys in our family asked if he could keep the flag -- I wanted to give it to him, but I said no, because I really wanted to have it as a keepsake. I am so grateful I have it!

Since this message is now etched permanently in our minds, it felt very appropriate that it should be forever etched in stone… on Charles' Headstone.

It will look something like this (in about 8-10 weeks, or so)… it will have a family picture on the back, and a picture of Charles on the front.



Find the Courage to Continue… no matter what!

What else are you going to do? Give up?

Look to God and Live -- Don't Look Back

I have taught Gospel Doctrine class the last two Sundays. There was some discussion about whether or not I would be ready to resume my calling as the teacher -- but ready, or not, I wanted to teach! 

At this point in my life, if I have the chance to share the gospel -- you better believe I will! How could I pass-up the chance to share my testimony with the class of around 80 people? I could not. I had to do it. Teaching my class so soon, was just like when I got up to speak at the funeral Life Celebration for Charles -- I had to do it. It was not a question for me. How often do you have hundreds of people waiting to hear what you have to say? These moments are rare, and if I have them -- I take them. Speaking (very briefly) at his Life Celebration, was probably one of the most powerful moments of my life. I will never forget it. I had spiritual-electricity surging through my whole body. I also had to briefly Blog my testimony of God right after Charles passed away. I could not wait. Again, not a question for me, it was a MUST. 

I love to share my testimony of the things I know to be true. I always have. And now, boy golly, my fire of faith is HOT! 

And that is why I taught my class so soon. I owe it to God to share what He has given me to share. The things I have learned are not for me to keep in my pocket, and hide away, just for me. He is teaching me these lessons for a reason. I can hide and wallow in sadness in my room, or I can stand in front of people and preach the gospel. I hate wallowing -- it gives me a headache. 

So, the last two lessons have been perfect for me to teach, very helpful, very healing. My first lesson was on trusting the Lord in all things (Manna from Heaven in the Old Testament). I know people were waiting, wondering if I was going to lose it, and fall to pieces -- but I did not lose it. God was with me, no need to ugly-cry. I did not look at my lesson outline once. I left it on the stand, and walked away from it. 

And this last lesson was about how we need to look to God and live! (Brass Serpent, Old Testament.) While studying for these lessons, I have been extraordinarily edified, and uplifted. As I have studied, I have received profound guidance in how to carry on with my life, in a meaningful, and happy way. 

This last lesson was very powerful for me. Look to God and Live… What does it mean to "Look to God and Live?" 

Well, for me, it means to look forward… into the future, not dwell on the past. Faith is always pointed towards to future. Whether we like it, or not, we can only move forward. Yesterday pushes us into tomorrow. You can try and spin back the hands of time, but you will fail! 

In the profound words of Elder Holland: 

"I plead with you not to dwell on days now gone nor to yearn vainly for yesterdays, however good those yesterdays may have been. The past is to be learned from but not lived in. We look back to claim the embers from glowing experiences but not the ashes. And when we have learned what we need to learn and have brought with us the best that we have experienced, then we look ahead and remember that faith is always pointed toward the future. Faith always has to do with blessings and truths and events that will yet be efficacious in our lives."

When I think of looking to God, I think of looking to what He has in mind for my future. He wants me to be happy. He wants me to continue to do His will, and move forward with faith in a bright tomorrow. The future is as bright as my faith, right? Right. 

For me, looking to God means trusting Him 100%, not 50%. I need to trust that as I look to Him -- He will heal me, guide me, walk beside me, every single day. I just need to trust Him. 

TRUST HIM. 

I do trust God. 

As I consider looking to the future, I am filled with hope. Sure there will be moments of sadness where I will long for, and miss desperately, my Charles. But so far, in those "missing moments," just as soon as I allow that lonely feeling in -- my heart swells with the reality that he is still with me. The aching turns into affection. That affection turns into action, as I carry on, with him by my side -- though he is in different form than before. He will always be with me. Even as the tears burn my cheeks, I feel a tangible warmth envelope me with love. Eternal love is a powerful thing -- more powerful than I realized before. 

Speaking of Charles' love… I recently found an old email from Charles, where he referenced one of his favorite songs, Desperado. In the email he said that, "Prison is walking through this world all alone." And then his closing words of the email to me were, "I will never let you walk this world alone." 

That is just the kind of love that we have. That is the kind of love that blankets me with warmth, each and everyday. That love sends a surge of energy and excitement through my whole body. I am a lucky woman. 

He will never let me walk alone… 

So, for me, looking to God -- and not looking back -- means to not dwell on the "might have beens." I cannot always be thinking about moments that are not the way I would want them to be. Those "might have beens" will never happen, no matter how much I cry about them. What I have now is what is before me, the future… the glorious things to come. What I have is each day, each moment, and I get to live it as it happens, in the moment. I have to enjoy the moments I am yet granted on this earth. I know now, more than ever, that these moments are so very precious, and also numbered. We never know what moment is our last. We can waste our moments in misery, or enjoy them in happiness. 

I choose misery. Just kidding. I choose HAPPINESS!!!! 

We must enjoy what we have now! And look to the future with hope and faith. 

Repeat after me: "Relax. Breathe. Cherish."  

What I have now is different than what I had in the past, but it is not worse. Charles must have a really strong spirit, because we feel him with us so strongly, so often. He has promised not to leave us alone, and we all still feel his loving arms around us. 

Faith is always pointed towards the future… the past is done, there is no going back now. Lucky for me, I still have a future with Charles, a forever with Charles. And that is the way I am pointed… to forever. 

The future is ahead. Forever is ahead! I put my future in the Hands of God. 

Don't waste time longing for the past… enjoy each moment, and look to God and live!