My Fourth Child

Henry is my fourth and final child. That is, unless there is something really extraordinary in my future, that I am unaware of at this time. As it stands now, he is the baby of the family. He is the child that has to be dragged around to all the events of the older children, and he is the final child left at home with me. He has one more year, and then he will be in school.

He has grown so fast. He has had some hard times in his short life, with his surgeries and kidney infections, but he has been a real trooper. Henry is all energy. We sometimes call him, "Henergy." But when everyone is home, he really has to fight for attention. There are sometimes boisterous conversations going on, and he just wants to be heard too.

When it is just him, he is really pleasant. He loves one-on-one attention. He loves to do his letters and numbers, and he enjoys it when we read together. Henry still is willing to snuggle with me. He likes it when I rub his hair. He loves to play with cars and Rescue Bots. He loves to play outside in his water table. He would stay there all day if he could.

In an effort to blog more, I thought I would just snap some pictures of Henry today. As I was going through them, I realized he is getting so big, and looking like a grown-up boy, and not a baby. (He is 4 years old.) When he is around the older children he seems so small, but he is not so small anymore.

Henry can still identity pictures of Charles, and recognize him as "daddy." I do not know if he really remembers him, but I will make sure to teach him more about Charles as he grows older. I am sure once school starts for him next year, he will have more questions about him. He will realize that he only has a mommy at home, and not a daddy. It will be interesting to see what questions he will have in the future.

Every time Henry prays he says two things: "We love Jesus, and we love daddy." Other things vary in his prayers, but not those two things. I'm sure that Charles smiles every time Henry prays.

I sure love my Henry...

The Chrysalis

It looks like a piece of wood. My caterpillar friend has begun the change. (Click HERE to read about how it was an answer to prayer.) The changes took place only a few days after I found it. I watched as it crawled around, looking for a place to do its thing. I watched as it turned from green to black, and it secured itself to a branch by just two threads. I found it had morphed from a crawling thing, to what appears to be a piece of wood, hanging on for dear life.

It is truly fascinating.

I have done a little research to try and find out what kind of butterfly it might become. From what I can tell, it looks like it might be a Western Tiger Swallowtail. I am not sure of this, but the description seems to match. We shall see.

What I found interesting is that it might take some time for the complete change to occur. What I read was that if they form the Chrysalis in the summer, then it will only take a few weeks before it emerges as a butterfly. But if the Chrysalis forms in the fall, it could take until the spring for it to be fully "cooked" and ready to fly.

So, we might be watching this "piece of wood" for a while.

I am really glad I decided to do some research. If I had not, I would have likely given up on the butterfly, thrown it out, thinking it was dead. It might just be that it needs a good long time to become a new creature. The process cannot be forced. But when it is ready -- if all goes well in its development -- it will emerge with wings.

It appears that nothing is happening. Day after day, it just hangs there without motion. Meanwhile, it is changing and developing into something extraordinary.

One day, this piece of wood will fly.

The Trek Fireside Video

The Trek fireside was last night. It was the final activity to close out the big event. Perhaps you have noticed my lack of blogging... well, this is why. I have been in video and photo-editing mode, and my eyes are going fuzzy from staring at the screen for so long. I should be blogging more often now though... I think.

My assignment was to create a video to show for the youth, leaders, and parents. Originally, I was going to go on Trek with only my camera, as a photographer. But last minute, there was a change of plans, and I had to quickly purchase a video camera, learn how to use it, along with learning the post-editing program. I did my best with what I had, and my only frustration was knowing that there are so many awesome ways to do videography, and I was limited by time and lack of knowledge. But I sure do think it would be fun to learn more about it in the future!

Here is the finished product. It was quite an effort to go through all the footage and piece it together, but it was pretty fun too. There will be a website available for all those who went on Trek, with all the photos and video -- coming soon.

For mobile devices click: HERE 

For the best viewing quality, crank up the volume LOUD, and pick the highest HD setting (1080) in the lower right hand corner of the video.

Caterpillar Soup

I sat in my hammock, contemplating the Cosmos. I have not been feeling very well, and so my mind has been a bit clouded with an uncomfortable fog. When I feel physically under-the-weather, my heart tends to get a little more heavy, and I find my emotions harder to control. I have entertained many tears these last few days. I also watched the movie Me before You, which caused a violent release of pent-up feelings to come flying to the surface. (Perhaps I will blog about that another time.) 

Anyway, like I was saying, I was sitting upright in the hammock, using the tree as a launching pad, to rock myself back and forth in a soothing motion. Tears were gently falling, and I whispered to my Heavenly Father, "Please, please, I need to know that You love me, that You care." Sometimes the loneliness can be so intense for me, that all I can do is simply cry out, "Please, Father." And that is my prayer. Add feeling sick to lonely and I say, "Pretty please, Father."

Not a moment later, I saw something fall from the tree, into a pile of leaves at my feet. I had apparently caused something to lose its grip with my rocking motion. I slid out of the hammock, and searched for the fallen object.

It was a large caterpillar.

For some, this may be of little consequence.

But for me, a caterpillar is a big deal, and a direct answer to my prayer.

I wiped away my tears, and said, "Thank you!" to my Heavenly Father. He knows how symbolic butterflies have been for me. He knew what I needed in that moment. I scooped up the baby butterfly. We are now watching it, as it begins its transformation, and forms its chrysalis.

Finding the caterpillar made me curious about the transformation from a caterpillar to a butterfly. We have all read the Hungry Caterpillar, but I became interested in how the caterpillar changes so drastically into a completely different creature. How is it that it goes from crawling around in the dirt, to flying freely in the flowers?

I do not want to get all scientific in my explantation, mostly because I have no expertise in the field, at all. But it is my understanding -- as a mom who did a little internet searching on the subject -- that while the caterpillar is inside the cocoon, there is a point in the transformation where there is basically a jumbled up mess of body parts and pieces. If you were to open the chrysalis at a certain point in the transformation process, you would find caterpillar soup. Gross, I know. But fantastically amazing!

This interested me. This particular point in the process, where the caterpillar is at its most vulnerable, and not even really one creature, or the other. It cannot crawl or fly, all it can do is wait for the planets to align, as all of the pieces fall into place, as the wings and other parts begin to take form.

I feel like I am in the "caterpillar soup" phase, right now.

I feel I have moved past the stage of crawling around in the dirt of grief and sorrow, but as much as I want to, as much as I have a hope to... I cannot quite seem to fly, yet. I catch these glimpses, and feel these feelings, but there is something that holds me back from spreading my wings completely. At least that is how it feels sometimes.

It feels like I should just be able to "shake it off" and rise above the events of the past and move on, without looking back. I do not want to feel this grief that accompanies loss, but it is part of the process. I feel like I should be able to rise up and fly above all that I have experienced: it is not quite that simple. I do not dwell on the past too much, and I look to the future with hope. The past is still part of who I am, as I move forward. The things that have happened, make me who I am today. I can't just make a clean break from the past, from losing Charles. I have to learn to carry it with me, but somehow not let it weigh me down. It is a difficult balance sometimes.

I keep kind of waiting for this moment of freedom to occur. I want to feel free, and then stay feeling free, if that makes sense? Like in some fabulous moment of glory, I will only be flying free with no troubles or sorrows... wouldn't that be nice?

But once a butterfly gets its wings, its trials are not yet over. A new variety of experiences will begin. The view may be different from above, rather than below, but the winds of life are no less potent to those with wings.

I think that in life, the transformation process is ongoing -- it is not a one time thing. Crawling around in the dirt, feeling like a pile of soup, and then gaining wings to fly is a process that occurs repetitively throughout the span of a human life. As we continue to go through different experiences we learn and grow, become more capable and vibrant, and then there will be another round of life that will test us, and we will need to transform once again.

I was reminded by my little caterpillar friend (who we named Hope), that life is full of opportunities to stretch and grow, and become something new. Maybe I do not have my wings, yet, but my desire to fly is growing. The things I am experiencing now, are important for my future ability to take flight. I also recognize that life is not meant to be experienced just from the soaring position. Sometimes life can cause us to crawl on our knees, searching, pleading, and hoping for better days to come.

If you find yourself in the "caterpillar soup phase," be patient, take courage, have hope.

The time to launch is just on the horizon.

TREK 2016

Trek is over. After almost a year of preparation, and gearing up for the journey, it is finished. I am still trying to process it: both spiritually and physically. At the current moment, I am also processing a ton of pictures and videos. For me, my assignment as the videographer/photographer has approached the climax. I am sifting through thousands of images, and hundreds of minutes of footage, to try and piece together a video for the upcoming fireside. I have been working on it constantly, pretty much since we returned home. I thought I would take a break and blog, since it has been a while. 

The amount of effort that goes into putting together a Pioneer Youth Trek is amazing. There are leaders called almost 2 years in advance to work out all the logistics, and form committees so that things will run as smoothly as possible. This year I was able to catch a small glimpse of the work that goes into putting on such a large production, as I sat in on the committee meetings. The efforts of volunteers who spend their time organizing transportation, food, music, and putting all the details together was phenomenal to observe. There were around 300 people on our Trek to keep track of, and prepare for. Every detail was attended to with thought and care. I stand amazed at those who put Trek together. My heart is full of gratitude for their efforts! 

Our journey began last Wednesday night. We met at the church and brought all of the gear to load on the trucks. The youth had a list of items they were allowed (no electronics) and had to pack everything into a bucket.

 Daniel hanging out with some friends, ready to go!

Sammi passed the bucket inspection. 

Loading up the food truck. 

Each handcart had two water jugs to keep everyone well hydrated. 

They kept track of belongings by company colors. 

Some helpful boys loading up all the buckets. 

Daniel and friends. Thursday morning, before leaving. 

 

We gathered at the church before loading the buses. There was a very brief devotional before taking off. (They gave me permission to take a picture in the chapel!)

Ready to go! 

 It was quite the bus load of people!

 I wonder if the bus drivers thought we were crazy?

Once we got to our handcarts, it was time to climb! We started going straight uphill. I was not with a handcart family, I was free to roam and wander as I pleased this time. But I went on the whole journey, often walking off-trail in the sage and thistles to get the shots I wanted. My socks were always covered in goat-head type things. That was fun. 

Since this is my family blog, I will put pictures of Sammi and Daniel. I had to try and avoid focusing on them too much. I actually did not take a ton of pictures, I was on video most of the time. I think I have about 2500 pictures, give or take. My other photographers have way more than that, so that will be fun for them to go through. 

The adults involved were so fun. I got to travel around to different families and chat with a bunch of people I had never met before. That was a huge perk of being a photographer. 

 We camped in tents. The first night was really rough for me. I did not bring a sleeping pad. I was not able to sleep at all, even though I was so tired. The second night, the medical staff was kind enough to lend me a cot. Thank goodness!

There were so many hills on our journey. On our last Trek the hills seemed more gradual, there was never a time when rope was needed to pull up or down. I thought this Trek route was far superior to the last one in every way. It was more challenging, more beautiful, and more fun!

Sammi mentioned how much she enjoyed having a "Pa" again. Apparently he was a funny guy with a great personality, and he kind of looked like Charles -- not exactly, but enough. The youth were put in families with a Ma and Pa, and they spent most of their time working, playing, and eating together. It was so great watching people get along, that might not normally hangout together. 

 They camped as families too. That was a nice change. Last time we were divided down the middle between boys and girls.

 The food committee was tremendous. I do not envy their job. They did so much to prepare and make the whole thing possible. The time and energy that went into it... crazy! It was all volunteer time. We had a lot of watermelon, and it tasted so good!

This was a fun hill. They ran down, and then up again right after.

We were all so dirty. I was sneezing blackness out of my nose for days after. It was super dusty, and there was thick smoke from a nearby fire.

 A talented Ma making flower-crowns.

 Blisters were very common. There was a medical crew along to tend to every need.

 The Ma and Pa's were fantastic. It made Trek fun.

 Here I am with Lydia, my other photographer. She used to babysit Sammi and Daniel when she was 12, and now she is a beautiful woman! It was so fun to spend time with her, and get to know her even better. Notice the backpack I am carrying. That was one thing I was not prepared for. I never haul stuff on my back when I run, it was different. It was full of camera gear, and a camelback full of water. It was with me all the time. It felt so good to take that thing off at the end of each day.

This is the Stake Presidency, they were all there the whole time. The Kenyons, on the far left, were in charge of putting Trek together. One thing I found fantastic was how these men and women are leaders in the church, and yet, they were down doing the dirtiest of work in serving others. It is a beautiful thing. I have so much love for these wonderful people.

 Gathering for a devotional.

 Pictures just do not capture the hills.

 Beautiful hair

Walking through the forest was my favorite part of the journey. It was so peaceful, and heavenly.

The nearby Pioneer fire made the air really nasty. It was just across the valley from where we camped. 

Some silly boys... 

 We drank out of cups, often filled with dust. No one cared. The water felt so good going down. It got pretty hot throughout the day, but it was the dust in the air that was really yucky.

Everyone focused on hydration. There were only a few who had to go home because of heat-exhaustion.

 Beautiful berries

 Gathering as a family

We were lucky it was not the intense heat we had on the last Trek. Sometimes there would be a cool breeze. My prayers were answered. It was hot enough for sure, but not unbearable.

 Gathering for food

What a bunch of good people... the future is bright. 

Check out my legs. That took a while to scrub off. Oh, and my shoes were awesome. They were super comfortable, and I highly recommend them for tromping around in the woods. I was able to just go smashing through the nasty stuff on the side of the trail.

 A new found friend

 Seriously, look at how beautiful the forest was.

 The food people preparing for pancakes.

 Sammi waiting with her family.

 Being sprayed with water felt great.

 Me and Lydia again.

 Daniel stayed in the front of the cart the whole time. He is just built for it. It is in his blood.

 They shared the miracle of the pie story, and served up pie.

 Climbing the hills

 I love this shot.

 I trained the kids for Trek. The training really paid off. I would take them up steep hilly courses, and I would have them push the stroller up and downhill. It was worth the effort. They both did great, and had so much fun. It was still hard, but they were mentally prepared for the hardness of it.

 Taking off in the morning.

 A pit stop for lunch

This is my other photographer, Emily. I met her for the first time the morning we left, and then spent the next few days sharing a tent and getting to know her. Trek makes for fast friendships.

 Lydia capturing a closeup.

 More blisters... this was the best one I saw...

 I watched the whole process, but will only share the non-graphic images.

 Yeah, it gets nasty from here on out... but the medical staff was terrific.

 The smoke made for some beautiful imagery.

 Sammi as happy as can be.

 The valley was quite beautiful.

The medical tent followed us along the journey. There was a vehicle that follow the wagon-train just in case of emergencies. There were loads of blisters, chaffing, and a few had heat exhaustion.

No pain, no gain, right? I can only imagine what the real Pioneers feet looked like.

 A beautiful resting spot. We would press forward, and then take small breaks along the way for water, and snacks when needed.

At the end of the day there was time for fun and dancing. After all that walking, it was time to rejoice!

Dancing with blistered feet, what could be better? 

The sun setting in the dust was awesome.

One of my favorites 

They were kicking up a dust storm, but did not seem to mind. 

It was gross and awesome at the same time. 

 The scenery would change throughout the days. It made the journey exciting.

The Women's Pull 

I do not have many pictures of the Women's pull, because I had to operate the video camera the whole time. It is an interesting event. There are so many lessons to be learned, I think I will save it for another blog post. I am still trying to process the lessons I learned from it. For now, I will just say that hill was steep! And women are phenomenal. So much more to come later... in another post. 

During the women's pull, Daniel was at the top ready to grab the carts and haul them out of the way. He had to take a minute and step away though, because he said he had to compose himself after letting the tears fly. He did not like watching the women struggle, and not be able to help them. Good boy, Daniel. Good boy.

 It was pretty dry where we were, but I have heard that it is absolutely beautiful in the Spring.

 I love this picture.

 Classic image.

 Just keep walking...

 I just love the way handcarts look.

Here is some of the staff who helped put things together. 

The bus ride home was awful. The bus driver did not want us to have our windows down because of the dust. I felt like death. Really, it was so bad, and then one by one, we had to put our windows down, so we did not pass out, or vomit. It really was that bad. As soon as the windows went down, everyone perked up, it was almost funny how instant it was. 

Home. We smelled so bad. And we had dirt everywhere. But it felt good. We all survived, and thrived, and my kiddos wanted it to last forever. I think, however, it is time to retire my Trek shirt. I wore it on the last Trek too, and, well, I think I managed to permanently infuse the pits with sweat and grit. 

Look how white my shirt once was... :) Oh, and I sure did miss traveling with that handsome man next to me. But he was with me in spirit. I made sure to wear the special hat he got me. It made him feel close. 

And his best buddy, Tyson, wore his shirt... 

And Daniel, well, he was walking for Charles... wearing his hat, suspenders, and pants. He pretty much looked just like him from behind. He would scare me sometimes, as he was tromping around camp. 

Oh man, Charles was so dang good-looking. Just saying. I sure miss that face. ;) 

Trek has been such a blessing for the van Ormer family. It was a pleasure to be involved with Trek for a second time. I hope to do it again someday.