One More Day of 34

I turn 35 on Monday. I am not quite sure how that happened? I guess I blinked! It is true that I do not feel any different then when I was 19. The reality is, my body has aged, but my spirit is eternal, so my insides are forever young! I will be forever young until I am 100, and yes, I plan to live that long!

I had dreams and plans for where I would be when I was 35. I certainly did not imagine my life as it is now. I had dreams of 12 children (I even have 12 small diamonds on my ring, representing each child), a farm house with some chickens, being settled somewhere comfortably, and enjoying a happy marriage with the love of my life. You know, nothing too crazy. :)

I never dreamed of being a young widow with 4 children... that was not my idea of a happy life, or fairytale ending. I mean, who writes that in their life plans? Who fantasizes about that at night? No one.

My life has not turned out as I had planned, that is for sure. But I also know that is the nature of life, and something I did not understand when I was dreamy-eyed, young, and innocent. Life is ever-changing, always in motion, and unpredictable. You can, and should, plan and dream -- but you also need to be flexible, as life can change in an instant, and throw all your well-laid plans out the window. Waking-up from a beautiful dream into reality is hard.

But even when plans are changed, there will always be room for new dreams and adventures. That is one of the beautiful things about life. Dreams continue to drive us on into the future. I am not without hope for good things to come. Sure my fairytale may seem broken for now, but it will still have a happy ending. It will, I know it. I will continue on with new dreams...

My future is as bright as my faith.

I have a hope for a bright and full future, because life is good even now. I don't know if it is my personality, or my natural disposition to take things as they come, but it has served me well, especially lately. I have learned so much about myself recently, and I find I am more steady-minded and peaceful than I thought I was, which is good, very good. Being frantic never does anyone any good in any situation. I am grateful for the peace that has been my companion through the chaos, it amazes me.

My new plan is simple, I plan to trust God. I know He will lead me, as I listen, into a joyful future. I have no idea what the next 35 years of my life will hold... how about I leave the worrying to Him, and I can just let go and trust. Sounds good to me.

Ahhhh... plans and dreams.

I may not be living the dream now, but I do live with hope, and who says that's not just as good, or better?

Hope is a powerful thing.

I am grateful for my 34 years on this earth, and I look forward to many, many, more!

I better make sure my faith is bright, so I can enjoy the light of the future.

Choosing to Love, Risking Loss

Children are wise. They ask really brilliant questions that can make you stop in your tracks, and examine the cosmos. They can also make things so plain and simple that it changes your foggy perspective, and helps you to see life clearly -- like a child. My children are always teaching me. Every single day.

The other day I was talking about my sister's dog dying with the children. (For her full blog post about the experience click: HERE.) My William, who is 7, was really concerned about it, and even shed tears of sadness. I explained that they knew she would die one day, but that she is OK now, free and happy. In his innocence William asked, "If they knew she was going to die, then why did they get her in the first place?"

I was shocked at his thought, but it also made me smile, and consider the question seriously.

When we know that relationships on this earth can be ended through death and loss, then why bother having them in the first place? Why risk it? Why face the heartache when you can just avoid it all together?

It is a good question.

But the answer is simple: Relationships don't have to end, they can, and do, go on forever. 

I am talking of humans now... though I am sure animals have a special place in Heaven. No doubt.

As we travel through life, the people that we love will eventually exit this world, and onto a better one. It is part of this mortal existence to love and to let go for awhile. Though the experiences of loss are excruciatingly painful, and you wonder how you can possibly endure another moment with the weight of sorrow -- we are meant to feel those feelings, and love so much that the loss hurts so much when we are parted. The more you love, the more it hurts.

Trust me, I have known that pain. I have known that love. I have experienced that loss.

We all know when we commit to a relationship in this life that it could potentially be cut short through death, altered through accidents, illness, pain, etc. We know this, but we still choose to love despite the risk of loss. But the real risk is in not loving at all, because this life is short, and eternity is long. We might walk without our love for a season, but it is but a moment in the scheme of forever.

Don't be afraid to love for fear of loss.

Just imagine if you never took that risk, how sad life would be! People need love, friends, family. We need to have relationships and experience what it means to truly have that love in our hearts. People need people. We need to learn and grow from each other, we need to serve and take care of each other. We are here for that purpose, to learn how to have pure love in our hearts.

People need love. They need to give it, and they need to receive it.

And though I have loved and lost, I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.

Love is worth the pain of loss.

Because I have not truly lost him, after all.

He is mine forever.

The risk was worth it.

Beautiful Music

For mobile devices click: HERE
I love music. It runs deep in my veins, and even my family history. I remember reading a story about my ancestor's gathering on the front porch in the summer, sitting on mattresses, and singing together in harmony as a family. Singing is joy. It is a way to let your spirit free, and to feel.

I love to sing... I especially love singing harmony. It sends shivers down my spine at certain moments when the notes dance together just right. I really should sing more often. It is so enlivening. I might be able to handle singing in church sometime. I think I could keep it together. Maybe.

I wanted to share this glorious music video because these are my cousins! (3 out of the 4 are my cousins + a friend.) I think it is just beautiful. They are all beautiful, the song is beautiful, the imagery is beautiful... I just LOVE it! It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy on this grey January day.

Way to go girls! I am so proud of you! Love you! Thanks for sharing your talent with us!

There's nothing more beautiful than walking through a field of grass in a white dress! Thanks for the spine-shivers. :)

Never Alone

For mobile devices click: HERE 

Sometimes it feels like you are alone. At least, sometimes I feel like I am alone. There are some days, or even longer, when it feels like you have been left to handle things on your own, and you wonder if there is anyone who understands. I wonder these things, from time to time.

I started feeling this way a few days ago. There was just a weight placed on my shoulders, and a kind of empty feeling in my soul. I had been sick -- which never helps anything -- and my mind took me to places of loneliness and sorrow. Even though I am surrounded by people often, it is hard not to feel alone... because I walk alone, without a companion to share life with.

There is something truly special about a marriage relationship that brings a sense of purpose and comfort. That is missing from my life now, and sometimes I feel kind of aimless, and without direction. My life and future made sense before, and now... well, I am working on figuring it out. But it is a lonely road, making choices alone for my family.

This pressure of loneliness would not relent. I shed many tears. It was not from a lack of interaction with people, or anything, it was deeper than that. It is part of the process of grieving and working through sorrow, it ebbs and flows, like a river of emotions rushing through my heart, it is unpredictable, and ever changing. I cannot avoid it, I have to work through it. I feel pretty great most of the time, but sometimes it is just hard, and that is an understatement. Walking through the valley of death is fraught with peril and uncertainty.

Finally, yesterday, as I was sitting in the car, waiting to pick up Sammi from school, I just started to cry, and I asked, "Heavenly Father, are you even there?" Can you not see my need? Can you not help me?" My heart ached with these questions. It felt like the angels that normally attend me, had gone on vacation for awhile.

Just as soon as I asked those words to Heaven, a song came on called, "Never Alone," by Hilary Weeks. As I listened to the words, I sat in awe of how perfectly they expressed my feelings. My tears poured out freely, and I knew that He was answering my prayer through music, as He so often does for me -- because music is the way to my soul. He knows that. I know that. He also knows that Hilary Weeks is the angel voice to use to pierce my heart. She who once taught me in primary in Alaska, still teaches me now as an adult.

My spirit began to feel lifted, and lighter. Once again it was made clear to me that, yes, Heavenly Father is there, He can see my need, and He can help me. My angels are never on vacation, but sometimes I need to knock on Heaven's door, and invite them to stay with me awhile.

This time of year can be a challenge. It is dark, it is winter, it is cold, everything is grey and dreary. Sometimes that grey can cover the sunshine in the soul, and block out the light. I do not love January, but I hold onto hope for the spring to come in it's glory, because it will come. The light will come and fill the world with warmth once again.

I find in moments of grief, sorrow, pain, and loneliness, I am never really alone. Sometimes it sure feels like it, but I am not.

While traveling through darkness and shadows, I need to remember to reach for the Light. Because the Light is always there, even when I can't see it through the fog.

We are never alone. Not ever alone.

I think I found a new favorite song.

All of the pictures in this video were taken from my blog after Charles died. 

Somewhere Over the Rainbow Bridge

For mobile devices click: HERE

My sister's dog died this weekend. She was not your average dog, this was Sage -- she was a healer, a comforter, a protector, a friend. She was heaven-sent to their family. The word Sage means a person of profound wisdom. She certainly lived true to her name.

I am really not the right person to be writing this blog post, because there is so much more to the story that I do not have all the details to. (My sister will write a post later.) But I do know that this dog saved my sister when she was so sick, and weary with Chronic Fatigue. I know that there was something truly special about Sage, because even I loved being around her, and cuddling her, and that's not normal. There was just something in her eyes -- an understanding. Sage was love.

Pure love, covered in fur.

This has been very hard for my sister's family, and it has touched us all deeply, because she is so special. And death is sad, and painful. Sage was with them for 10 years. She is family. Sage is a beautiful Bernese Mountain Dog, and she loved the Alaskan wilderness. She went on adventures with them, she rescued them from danger, and helped them in very challenging moments in their lives. She was just a treasure of a dog. She was a wonderful, beautiful, animal. An extraordinary creation. A truly special spirit.

When a dog dies they say they, "Cross the Rainbow Bridge."

With that thought in mind, I put this video together for their family.

You can see how much she was truly loved. And how much she loved truly.

Sage, you are loved and missed.

I hope you are having fun with Charles. He can certainly use your love and cuddles.

Watch over him for me, will you?

This is Sage saying, "Don't mess with my brother and sister!" 

When Life Gives You Nasty Half Bananas...

Make Banana Cookies! I turned the nasty bananas, into these yummy cookies. (Thanks for the recipe, Amy!) For the recipe click: HERE. I went with cookies, because that's what I had the ingredients for. It was kind of fun to bake, I don't do it very often nowadays, because, well, I don't really feel like it. But it was good, and they turned out pretty tasty. We will see what the kids think when they get home from school.

Funny thing is, I think I could have used even more decaying bananas in the cookies, for a more intense sweet flavor. Go figure. Let's see, how can we relate that to life...? The more trials/obstacles you have, the more sweet and yummy life tastes? Wait, what? Yep, it's true!

This is what Henry thought of the cookies... (the picture is fuzzy cause he was eating it so fast!) 

Sometimes you just need to take something nasty, and make it something yummy.

I made one person smile today. And that is something!

A Good Reminder: Don't ask, "Why me?" ask, "What now?" 

Then get to work to make life a little sweeter.

I love this video... click HERE for mobile devices.

This song has been stuck in my head all day. I love this guy! I love that he is Mormon too. He makes me smile.

Half a Banana, Anyone?

I found these half-eaten bananas this morning. Apparently, the people in our family are not about to go back and grab the other half of their banana the next day -- they grab a new one, and take a fresh half. I found it funny, and strange, and wasteful. But there it is. Six half-eaten bananas. I'm thinking smoothies, or maybe banana bread should do the trick.

Do you have any beautiful banana recipes?

A Sweet Note From Sammi

Sammi left this on my computer desk.

Thanks, Sam.

You know how to make me smile!

I am one lucky Mama.

A Heart Full of Gratitude

My heart has been filled with the power of gratitude. I find myself extremely thankful for so many good people, and the kindness that has been extended to our family, continually. Gratitude is a deep feeling that is hard to describe, but there is this fire of warmth that just makes me want to burst with joy! People are so good! God is good!

I find myself so grateful for my Heavenly Father, and Jesus Christ. I laid in bed the other day, and I just kept repeating out loud to God, "Thank you, thank you, thank you, for EVERYTHING!" God has been good to me, oh so good. Despite my trial, I have been raised to new heights of joy and happiness. And that, my friends, is a miracle of miracles.

Death and joy would seem unlikely friends. But death is just another doorway into a better world. The closer you are to God, and Jesus, the more clear that world becomes, and that makes the physical separation bearable. My desire to live, and live joyfully, is now more vibrant than ever. I cherish each day, and I often laugh at the silly small stuff. I smile because it simply feels good to smile. I cry as need be, but I am even grateful for the tears that make me feel so deeply, and alive.

I find as I trust God more fully, I am able to feel gratitude more freely.

It is wonderful! I highly recommend trusting God.

Jesus suffered for our sorrows, as well as our sins, and I have felt that ultimate power of His sacrifice on my behalf. I am realizing now how much I truly need Jesus, personally. I have always loved Him, and tried to follow Him with all my heart -- but now I feel a great need for Him to carry me, and lift my burdens. I cannot make it without Him, I just can't, I would fall. I have never felt that way before now. I have never been so broken in need of healing, until now.

Without Him, I would sink into the depths of despair. But with Him, I have been lifted to new heights of happiness.

I stand astonished at His grace, and power to heal.

The future is full of limitless potential and hope, because of Him.

Hope. That is what I feel. There is something deep within my soul that is burning with hope. I can't explain it, but it drives me on into each new day. In this world filled with darkness and misery, I feel light and hope for a bright future. The future is bright, because my faith is strong. I am nothing without my Heavenly Father. He is everything to me.

I just want to say thank you to all who have helped our family. You know who you are.

I love you.

I especially want to thank my Heavenly Father for EVERYTHING.

My heart is full. Like, really, really, full.

Glory to God!

Trust in the Lord

My word for this year is Trust. I have been making a study of the topic. Here are some thoughts today by Elder Richard G. Scott... 

Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously. When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more (see Prov. 3:11–12). He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit. To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching, and that generally entails discomfort and pain.

When you face adversity, you can be led to ask many questions. Some serve a useful purpose; others do not. To ask, Why does this have to happen to me? Why do I have to suffer this, now? What have I done to cause this? will lead you into blind alleys. It really does no good to ask questions that reflect opposition to the will of God. Rather ask, What am I to do? What am I to learn from this experience? What am I to change? Whom am I to help? How can I remember my many blessings in times of trial? Willing sacrifice of deeply held personal desires in favor of the will of God is very hard to do. Yet, when you pray with real conviction, “Please let me know Thy will” and “May Thy will be done,” you are in the strongest position to receive the maximum help from your loving Father.

This life is an experience in profound trust—trust in Jesus Christ, trust in His teachings, trust in our capacity as led by the Holy Spirit to obey those teachings for happiness now and for a purposeful, supremely happy eternal existence. To trust means to obey willingly without knowing the end from the beginning (see Prov. 3:5–7).

Our Father in Heaven has invited you to express your needs, hopes, and desires unto Him. That should not be done in a spirit of negotiation, but rather as a willingness to obey His will no matter what direction that takes. His invitation, “Ask, and ye shall receive” (3 Ne. 27:29) does not assure that you will get what you want. It does guarantee that, if worthy, you will get what you need, as judged by a Father that loves you perfectly, who wants your eternal happiness even more than do you.

I testify that when the Lord closes one important door in your life, He shows His continuing love and compassion by opening many other compensating doors through your exercise of faith. He will place in your path packets of spiritual sunlight to brighten your way. They often come after the trial has been the greatest, as evidence of the compassion and love of an all-knowing Father. They point the way to greater happiness, more understanding, and strengthen your determination to accept and be obedient to His will.

Please learn that as you wrestle with a challenge and feel sadness because of it, you can simultaneously have peace and rejoicing. Yes, pain, disappointment, frustration, and anguish can be temporary scenes played out on the stage of life. Behind them there can be a background of peace and the positive assurance that a loving Father will keep His promises. You can qualify for those promises by a determination to accept His will, by understanding the plan of happiness, by receiving all of the ordinances, and by keeping the covenants made to assure their fulfillment.

I testify that you have a Heavenly Father who loves you. I witness that the Savior gave His life for your happiness. I know Him. He understands your every need. I positively know that as you accept Their will without complaint, They will bless and sustain you.

-Elder Richard G. Scott 

Finding Happiness

I wake-up in the dark. It takes every ounce of strength and courage that I have to rise in the morning and face the day. I do not wake-up feeling sunshine in my soul, I usually feel quite groggy, and every piece of me feels heavy and sluggish. I feel tired, because I am human. 

But after great prayer, and reaching towards Heaven for strength, my feet hit the floor, and I take on the day. After Charles died there was a clear line that seemed to be drawn for me. I have two choices: I can choose to wallow in grief and sadness, or I can choose hope and happiness. The power is mine, the choice is mine. 

I choose happiness. 

This does not mean I am naturally happy, without effort. It does not mean that I chose happiness once long ago, so I never have to do anything else but ride the wake of that choice. No, the pursuit of happiness takes effort every single day. I am not bouncing around feeling fabulous everyday -- I am actually sick today -- but my heart, deep down in my heart, is at peace, because I have a hope beyond my own. I can be sick, sad, hurt, grieving, etc., and still be happy at the same time. 

How? 

Because I have hope.  

That hope is in my Savior, and his ability to heal, and lift my burdens. It is not a fairytale for me, it is a reality. The Savior has taken upon him my personal sorrows. When I let him carry them, I am made light! Even when things may get heavy in my head, there is a vibrant peace in my heart that buoys me up, and keeps me going. It is real for me. 

It can be real for you! 

Each day I have choices to make. I can choose to do things that will make me feel good, or bad. I can choose to react to the events before me with peace, or anger. I am not without the ability to change my mind, or even my circumstance. I can do nothing, or I can do something. I can lay on the couch and make excuses, or I can get up and move my bootie! The more I choose the way of joy, the more light I feel in my life. The more consistent I am in making good choices, the more that light burns brighter, and brighter. Sure I falter, and make mistakes, but then I brush myself off, and keep moving forward. 

One of the things I do to feel good is I run. I love to run. It is good for my body, but so healing for my spirit. If I couldn't run, I would walk. Just being out in nature, and breathing fresh air, can change the whole chemistry in your body, and set your mind free. I love the endorphins that running provides. No matter my fitness level, it has always been a way for me to unleash the bad, and breathe in the good. If you have never tried running, you should give it a go. Treadmills are great, but I'm talking about running in nature and letting the light rejuvenate you. The first time I tried running when I was 17, I could barely go a mile. I can run more than a mile now. 

These running shoes have been my therapy. Charles got them for me just 2 days before he died. See post: HERE. I have taken them all over the place. They have taken me out the door to receive revelation, guidance, and healing. They have run in Idaho, Utah, Alaska, California, and Arizona. They have seen many, many, miles, and soaked-up loads of tears and sweat. Along with a variety of other things, they have been instrumental in my journey of healing. Oh, how I love these running shoes.

However, after so much use, they were starting to wear out, and my feet were starting to feel the effects. It was time for some new shoes. (It has been almost 10 months now.) 

So, I went on-line, and found the same shoes in the most obnoxiously bright color I could find, and placed the submit button. At first I wasn't sure about this new crazy bright color thing that has come back from the 80's, but now, I am starting to love it -- the brighter, the better! 

My new shoes make me happy just looking at them! WOW! 

I decided to take them out for their maiden voyage on Saturday. It was a grey day, but it was not too cold. I started running and it felt like I will running on marshmallows, it was such an amazing difference! I ran my normal distance (about 4-5 miles in the winter), but I just felt so good, I had to keep going. At one point I got to where I thought I might turn around, and then I saw this huge gaggle of geese fly over head. They were all honking at me, encouraging me to keep going. I kept going. I did not have water, or anything, but I felt great. It was so refreshing, and at one point I just looked up to the sky and said, "Thank you, Heavenly Father, for these new running shoes!!" 

I ended up running 8.1 miles -- which is far for me in the winter months. It felt wonderful. 

This is me after I got home from my run. I choose HAPPY! 

I also do strength-training a few times a week, at home. I do Taebo. I love kickboxing. It takes me back to my TaeKwonDo days. There are a ton of videos you can do just on the Taebo Youtube channel. It's nice because I do not love the gym. And the kids often join me, which is super fun for all of us. If all I did was run my body would not change, I have to strengthen my muscles too. The combination of both makes me feel awesome! 

I am super excited to see where these new magic shoes will take me! 

Another thing that helps me feel good is drinking tons of water. I believe in the power of water. I really do. So much of the time we are all walking around totally dehydrated, and so we eat more. Water just does beautiful things for your body. I drink about 100+ ounces a day. It is harder in the winter than the summer, but I am managing to chug it down. I am sick today, but it is still helping to clear my head. I got this awesome bottle for Christmas... Drink water, it really helps! 

The other day I was at the store passing the flower section. I thought that Charles would want me to have some flowers, because he loves me. I picked out some super bright and happy flowers, and they have brightened the darkness of January for me. I love flowers! I cannot wait for Spring! 

Of course I do the spiritual things that help me feel good: scriptures, prayer, temple, etc. But taking care of myself physically is so important to feeling that total peace and wellness. My body and spirit are so connected. I need to tend carefully to both, and so that is what I choose to do.

I am worth it.

Our Need for Validation

For mobile devices click: HERE.


We all need to be validated. Validating others comes naturally to some, and takes great effort for others. Personally, I am not always awesome at validation, especially with my children. I try, but I could certainly improve.

Being validated is so important. It is what people are really looking for -- not necessarily solutions to the problem. People are generally looking for understanding, or perhaps simply a compliment, and praise. People need pats on the back emotionally, sometimes more than physically. People want to know they are OK, and that others love them, or see the good in them.

Just consider the "like" button on Facebook. Every "like" = validation.

I think solutions are good too, and I naturally go there with my responses to others -- my desire to want to help fix a problem runs deep. (I definitely want to blog about that later, it has to do with a blessing I received of comfort AND counsel.) You see, my mind automatically searches out a solution to the ailment -- emotional or otherwise -- and I tend to offer a solution to hopefully improve one's life, and make the problem better -- so the future can be better than the moment of trouble. It is as natural for me as breathing to respond this way. But more often than not, it is the friend, not the fix, that people want. Though being a friend that fixes a problem is great!

It's complicated, ya know? Emotions and people are baffling sometimes. Whew! 

I have recently been accused by my children of being "too much of a teacher" sometimes. I am kind of like a personal-trainer mom. I am always spouting off quotes, and encouraging words, telling them what to do, and not do -- but sometimes the hugs, softness, and beautiful side of mothering can escape me. In my defense, I am horribly outnumbered, especially now. (Charles was a proper physical-affection rockstar, according to the children.)

But, I am not past learning or correction -- though I do fight against it internally. It is easy to be soft with little babies, and even toddlers... but as they get older, it is important for me to remember they need hugs and physical love more than ever! I am pretty decent with loving words, and praise -- they confirmed that for me just now -- but they all agreed I could work on my physical affection/validation.

Line up people, hugs all around!

I had a moment the other day, when I actually did the right thing, in response to an emotional need. One of my children came home, and had a frustrating time with something that happened at school, concerning a group grade. This child was frantic and worried, and was talking about how dumb and frustrating the whole thing was. I joined in his frustration and we both got excited and worked-up, trying to find a solution. I was rambling off some words of wisdom, and life-improving enlightenment for the child to feast on. Yummy!

But then I asked myself, "What does this child really need from me right now?

The answer: They need a hug. Emotionally and physically.

Despite myself, I stopped blabbering nonsense and said, "Come here." I put my arms tightly around my child, and said, "I am so sorry, this really stinks."

Almost immediately this child melted into my arms in relief, smiled, and calmed down. This child went on their way in peace, knowing that I love them, and I at least tried to understand them. I let a person to be loved be more important than a problem to be solved. It took effort!

It was an eye-opening moment for me. So much of the time I am responding incorrectly to the concerns of my children, and others. The thing is, most of the time I really don't know what to say, or do, to help soothe and comfort someone's soul. It has never been a strength of mine. I love people with all of my heart, but I would never send myself out to help someone in emotional dire need. Some people seem to be able to naturally handle the emotions of others, and even know the proper thing to do or say -- it is not a forte of mine, to be sure. Give me a week to prepare, and I might be able to come up with the right emotional response!

I am aware that we all have different strengths and weaknesses we have to work on. I am sharing this because I am guessing I am not alone in this weakness. Sometimes just being made aware of something as simple as the need for validation, can change a person's world. Words, hugs, etc., are powerful!

For example, I have the last validating words Charles ever said to me in vinyl on my bathroom mirror. "You are so beautiful, I'm so proud of you." Were they just words? Not to me! To me they are everything. I run those words over and over in my head to validate his love for me, now that he is not here to say such words himself.

Compliments are not hard to give. Really, it takes effort, but it can make a huge difference in someone's life. Look around and see who you can say something nice to. They might hang on those words for a week, or maybe for life. The more you share the light you have, the brighter the world gets. Don't even get me started about the effect of a negative comment, and how long they last in one's brain. It takes great strength of mind and will to overcome a mean-spirited message. But it is possible to rise above, and move forward with confidence that you are AWESOME!

My point here is, watch this video. It is awesome. It is not a church video or anything. My sister sent it to me, it was something she watched for a college course. I really, really, enjoyed it. We even watched it as a family, and had a conversation about how we can all be better at validating others, and even ourselves! That voice in your head, make it say nice things to you! If it's not saying nice things, tell it to STOP! Tell yourself you are amazing, because you are. God said so!

So, watch the video clip, and then tell me what you think, if you have a moment. Or just comment in your head, that works too, cause I can totally read minds. ;)

What does validation mean to you?

The Blogs that Inspire Me

Blogs are powerful. I LOVE blogs! I love being able to look into the lives of others, and draw from their strength and wisdom. I have a few blogs that I read on a daily basis. They are people I have never met before, but they have made a huge impact on my life. Each one has touched my heart in meaningful and life-changing ways. I am so grateful they are willing to share their lives and stories, so that they can strengthen and uplift others, including myself. I wanted to share my favorite blogs with you, so you can be inspired too!

Here they are in no particular order...

1. Stephanie Nielson @ http://nieniedialogues.blogspot.com.

If you have not heard of her, she is amazing. I will never forget her saying, "I am not my body." Her story of survival after being burned over 80% of her body from a plane crash, is phenomenal and inspiring for me daily. She has tremendous faith. She is living a full and wonderful life. She is an extraordinarily faithful daughter of God. She is a fabulous mother. She is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She is my hero. I love you Stephanie!

2. Lisa King @ http://www.lisajking.blogspot.com.

She is an amazing woman whose precious son died, and then her husband died just three and a half months later, of a heart attack.  Her story is particularly inspiring for me, as I learn from her wisdom of widowhood, and handling trials with faith. She is a world away in Australia, but I have been strengthened in a powerful way by her life and writing. She is amazing. I love her without knowing her. Her posts often speak straight to my soul. Thank you, Lisa! You are amazing!

3. Ashlee @ http://www.themomentswestand.com.

Her story of survival has received national attention, as she has remained standing through some incredibly horrific events, pushing her faith to the limit. Her husband was shot and killed, leaving her a widow with young children. My husband, Charles, actually knew her husband Emmett -- he was a fellow attorney in Idaho. There is much more to her story, and she shares her life and experiences in such vivid detail on her blog, and in her new book. She shares heartache and pain, but it is infused with faith and hope. She has faced experiences that most of us never would dream of, and she has handled them with grace, and strength. She is a woman of great faith, and she has been an inspiration to me, and so many all over the world. Her posts have often lifted me to new heights of understanding. She writes beautifully, and she allows you into the inner caverns of her heart. I admire her ability to stand, no matter what! Thanks, Ashlee!

4. Shawni @ www.71toes.com. 

She lives a full and deliberate life, as a wife and mother. I love to follow her blog because she shows how joyful family life can really be. She has a daughter who is slowly losing her vision, and will one day likely be blind. They take their family on amazing adventures, and she has wonderful mothering advice, and tips. She is also a very talented photographer, and it was her breathtaking images that inspired me to become a photographer. Their lives are infused with faith, and good works. If you are looking for a great family to follow, and beautiful images to enjoy, take a look! She is inspiring! Thanks, Shawni!

5. Nathan and Kathy @ www.kathysmiracle.com.  

I have just recently started following this blog, but it is so amazing. Kathy, a young mother of 5, recently passed away from her battle with cancer. She also gave birth while enduring cancer, but her precious baby passed away. She documented her journey towards the end of her life, and her faith and will to live is so uplifting. Now her husband, Nathan, documents his journey as a young widower with 5 children. If you want to see faith in the face of trials, take a look at this beautifully inspiring family. Thanks for sharing, Kathy and Nathan!

These are my blog favorites that I read daily. I love all of these beautiful people, without knowing them personally. They have had an impact on my life, because they are willing to share their stories of faith, and triumph. It is worth it to write! I cannot tell you how I have been changed by what I have read, sometimes they have written the exact message I needed, at the perfect moment.

So... What blogs do you follow? Did I miss a good one? 

Scripture Power

I love the Scriptures. I read from them everyday. I spend a portion of my day reading from the Bible, The Book of Mormon, and various other gospel resources. I have begun a more detailed study of the New Testament, since that is what I am teaching this year in my Gospel Doctrine class at church. I am loving it.

We also read scriptures together as a family, daily. It give us strength and power. We have some pretty amazing discussions as a family nowadays, since a vital part of our family is dwelling now with Jesus. We don't just read the scriptures for fun and out of duty, we read them for survival, and for happiness in life!

I recently had the idea that we could start listening to the scriptures as we travel in the car, using the Gospel Library App. We spend a lot of time going to and from school, and normally we just listen to music. But listening to the scriptures has been amazing. We listen to them first thing in the morning, and it is how we start our day. It is astonishing how much more we soak in while listening to the soothing narrator read. Since we are in the car, we are all sitting still -- which certainly does not happen at home. In the evening I usually ask the kids some questions about what we listened to that morning, and it is amazing how much more they remember with this new way of listening and learning. It has been awesome!

What is great about the Word of God is that it is powerful. It can change your life. It changes my life daily. The more I read, the more I remember who I am, my purpose here on earth, and who I can potentially become. Reading from the scriptures also puts all the bizarre and scary worldly stuff in perspective, as what is going on today is simply fulfilling prophecy, which has been written from the beginning.

As I read, or listen to the scriptures, I love to learn of Christ, and His teachings. It fills my heart with joy and a tangible light. I have had moments when I have felt weak and lost, and after studying the gospel my hope is renewed and my fire has been rekindled. If you are feeling blue, especially during these winter months, start devouring the scriptures. Take some time away from the hustle and bustle of life, take time away from technology and its grasp, and sit awhile, quietly, with God. It is necessary to a peaceful and happy life.

Don't try life without it.

I think sometimes people look in all the wrong places for power and happiness. True strength and joy comes from reading the teachings of Jesus, and following His word.

You are what you read, they say.

I love this Primary Song... 

Scripture Power

1. Because I want to be like the Savior, and I can,

I’m reading His instructions, I’m following His plan.

Because I want the power His word will give to me,

I’m changing how I live, I’m changing what I’ll be.

2. I’ll find the sword of truth in each scripture that I learn.

I’ll take the shield of faith from these pages that I turn.

I’ll wear each vital part of the armor of the Lord,

And fight my daily battles, and win a great reward.

[Chorus]

Scripture power keeps me safe from sin.

Scripture power is the power to win.

Scripture power! Ev’ryday I need

The power that I get each time I read.

I Miss His Physical Body

I miss Charles' body. I know he is still around in spirit, but truly, it is not the same. Most of the time I can carry on without thinking too much about the physical absence, because his spiritual presence is so strong. But other days I just need a hug -- specifically from Charles. There is nothing like a warm embrace, with the person that you love more than anyone. I simply miss that kind of affection. Physical touch is a powerful thing. It was such a vibrant part of my life, and now it is gone. 

Don't take it for granted. 

Charles and I had a powerful chemistry. From the moment that we first danced, there was a great force that pulled us together. It was truly magic. There was such a comfort in his touch. One of my favorite things about him were his hands. His hands were really beautiful. They were strong, working-man hands. I loved holding his hand. It was so comfortable, and so safe. 

I miss that connection with someone. 

I miss having someone to share all of my weaknesses and strengths with. I could talk to Charles about anything, and he knew everything about me. I miss being able to share my thoughts, feelings, and ideas with him. I could say absolutely anything to him. I miss that emotional connection perhaps more than the physical, though I'm really not sure which I long for more. 

I just miss him here with me.

Honestly, sometimes the absence of his body makes me want to scream, because it is so shocking in unexpected moments. Sometimes I wake-up in the morning, and I am caught off-guard by the reality that my life has been completely changed, and I am physically alone. Things will be totally normal, and then I will just have this rush of feeling flood through my body, and I am reminded of my loss, and it can take my breath away. 

I mean, Charles is dead, for crying out loud. That is just plain stupid! 

I so miss his companionship, especially at the end of the day. He used to come home and we would talk about everything that happened in our day, the ups and downs, highs and lows. My days are my own now. Of course I share them with the children, and others, but it is not the same as sharing them with a spouse. I loved hearing all of Charles' intimate thoughts, feelings, and experiences. I loved the way his mind worked. I loved his zest for life. I loved talking with him for hours, and snuggling while watching a movie. 

I loved that he loved me, flaws and all! 

It is so sad to me that when someone dies, they become a memory. Everything that they were in life becomes frozen in time, in words, pictures, video, etc. I think it is especially hard when someone young dies, because there was so much life potentially ahead to live. It makes my heart a little sorrowful thinking of the things Charles will physically miss out on. 

For example, I went to a Cub Scout meeting the other day, with William. He will be turning 8 in April. While I was in the meeting, an unexpected wave of emotion filled my heart. I felt horribly sad that Charles was not there for William, to walk through the Scouting program with him, to take him camping, and help him with everything. Charles loved the Scouting program, and he was so involved with Daniel. It makes me sad that he will not be there for William and Henry. My heart aches the most when I have to go to functions like that -- to activities that were Charles' element, and not mine. 

There was another sad Scouting moment for me. It was an awards night. Daniel was getting a bunch of awards, and they had asked everyone to bring up their parents. But when it came to Daniel they said, "Bring up your mom." I felt very single in that moment, and it made my heart burn. I think I even said, "Dang it, Charles!" in my head. I felt sad, but I smiled as Daniel happily pinned his accomplishments on my shirt. 

There is just some hard stuff that comes up, from time to time. It is often unexpected. 

Life is still surprisingly good. But the good often comes on the other side of the hard. I try and keep my heart open to my feelings, and just embrace them as I go through them -- the happy, the sad, the pain, the joy -- it is all part of life. The emotions are just more intense in all directions now. 

Tonight, I just miss him, and that's as it should be. It is hard to live in mortality, awaiting the perhaps far-off day of our reunion. Experiencing life without your true love, is like being a bird with clipped wings. I have known what it is to truly love, and to fly. I am trying to heal my damaged wings, so I can one day fly again. 

One day at a time. That's the only way to move forward. 

I just wanted to record these feelings, because they are real. I am still feeling very happy, even in these moments of reflection, I am at peace. But I want to make it clear that I miss him, desperately. I always will miss him, until I am with him again. I just love him. And losing your love, your sweetheart, is perhaps one of the greatest trials in this life, and I feel it deeply. 

Today the physical separation is frustrating. 

He was a beautiful man. 

He thoroughly stole my heart.