Cling to Courage : April 2023

Johnathan Van

Johnathan Van is such a special miracle boy. (Van is his middle name.) He has been through a lot in his young life. He is two years old and full of life and joy. He has been an absolute blessing in my life, and I am so grateful that he was a happy little accident. *Happy little miracle!*

Johnathan is having some delays in his speech and other developmental issues. He is very quiet at this point in his life. He has very few words, and he only really says them if I say, "Johnathan can you say... Mama?" And then he will respond, sometimes, and answer with "Mama." But it is only when he wants to, or when he is interested in talking.

He is super cute about praying though. He almost always says "amen" at the end of a prayer. That just warms my heart, it is so sweet. We pray a lot around here.

He will be starting his speech and occupational therapy soon. I am very excited to get him going in these programs, and see how he does. For now, I just keep trying to get him talking as much as I can. He is making SO many more sounds than he used to. And that is very promising.

One thing that is interesting... he will only watch a very limited amount of movies. He is very particular about what he watches. He will watch, Frozen I and II, Moana, Tangled, and Encanto. If you take a look at these movies, they all have a few things in common. They are REALLY GOOD. They are BEAUTIFUL. And they have FANTASTIC MUSIC! When I try something else, like Mickey Mouse, or Little Einsteins, or really anything at all... he is not interested. He is, however, interested in watching Olaf over and over and over again.

Here are just a few things that Johnathan does at this point:

He loves bubbles, a lot.

He loves to run outside.

He enjoys going for car rides.

He can eat all by himself, and he is no longer in a highchair.

Johnathan is in a big boy bed.

He likes to run in circles at night when he is tired.

He likes to put letters in the right place.

He likes to play with blocks.

He likes to wear his special boots.

He likes to snuggle in bed with me for a nap.

He likes me to sing for him.

He thinks it is funny when I try to sing high (I am an alto).

He loves ice cream.

He likes watching the end credits on movies.

He loves itsy-bitsy spider, paddy cake, and the Popcorn song.

He is very helpful about putting his clothes on.

He loves looking at the world from upside-down.

He is happy to ride in the stroller.

He loves nursery at Church.

His words are: Mama, Dada, Poopy Diaper, Amen, Jesus, Elsa, William, Henry, Rapunzel, and No-no. ;)

He is such a cute, and good little boy.

It is interesting because Johnathan is about the same age now that Henry was when Charles died. I know, I think of time and events in weird ways, but that is just how it is when life is weird.

I will be raising Johnathan as a single mother, and so it is round two of raising a very young one alone.

I am not sure why God wants me to do this motherhood thing alone. It was never my plan, that is for sure. But since I am a single mother, I rely heavily on help from my Savior to make it through, and I mostly just pray my guts out and hope I will be enough for my kiddos.

I just want my children to know they are loved, no matter what.

In the end, my children do not belong to me, but to their Father in Heaven.

I am just trying to do my best to bring them back to Him.

We got this Johnathan Van, right?

Right.

Amen! ;)

Healing is a Daily Feeling

I have been through some stuff. I have learned a lot of interesting things by shoveling my way through the piles of life *stuff.* I know that I will never stop learning new things as life continues to ebb and flow and change. I am so grateful for my blog, so I can look back and see how much I have grown and learned over the years. And I know that in years to come, my perspective will just continue changing and expanding with time and experiences.

It is kind of a beautiful thing... learning and growing. That is what this life is about!

One thing I have had on my mind lately is how healing is not an event... it is a daily feeling.

It has been 9 years since my Charles died... am I done healing from grief... yet?

Nope.

And I never will be "done" with grief.

That is because I will never stop feeling love for him.

I am now going through a painful divorce, which should be finalized very soon.

Will I feel healed from that trauma instantly, once it is final?

Nope.

It will take time and daily efforts.

It will take doing simple things that help me to feel healing... daily healing.

And by "daily healing," I mean doing really small and tiny things, deliberately.

For example, yesterday, I went and got my favorite pumpkin bread from Great Harvest Bread Company. It is amazing. When I ate it, I felt all these wonderful memories come flooding into my heart and mind and it was a moment of pure pumpkin-bread joy.

It was so simple, such a small and simple thing... but it was HEALING for me in that moment, and my children that I shared it with. There is just something about pumpkin flavor that holds memory so powerfully. Pumpkins are magical. Just ask Cinderella... she knows, pumpkins can make the impossible possible. ;)

I have also finally started running again. Yay! When I make the choice to get out there, it is about the way I feel THAT DAY. And that is when the healing occurs, when I go out and chase that "running healing feeling." I don't need to chase or train for a marathon for that magical runners-high feeling, I just have to get out there, and snatch up some of those yummy endorphins and allow them to permeate my body full of healing for the day. Sometimes it is walking... or just getting outside to breathe fresh air.

I have been watching home improvement shows, they make me happy and give me ideas of things I can do to make my home more enjoyable. It is a simple thing, but I love it... doing things you love is healing!

I listen to good music. I know for me, music can change my mood SO fast. If the house is quiet, and things feel a little off, all I have to do is turn on Nat King Cole or Louis Armstrong (they will be the soundtrack playing in Heaven) and heart-healing moments start taking the place of other not-so-good feelings. Music... what a wonderfully fabulous way to feel healing, and change a mood.

I listened to a song while driving in the car today called Gethsemane by Kenneth Cope, it was a song about Jesus, and it was so beautiful I just had tears pouring down my cheeks. It was... you guessed it... healing.

I love to read from The Book of Mormon daily. It is such a small thing, a simple effort that fills me full of hope, light, truth, and Jesus. Nothing is more daily healing than Jesus! He is everything!

Prayer is such a powerful source of healing. I pray all the time. I pray when I run, when I drive, when I lay in bed, when I am outside, when I am doing all sorts of things... I just love talking to God. He is my Father. That connection with Him is my lifeline, and always will be.

This world is getting interesting. No one is exempt from trials and trauma and heartache.

Healing is needed. Daily healing is needed.

So... the depressing looking picture above... why? Why did I use that one?

It was taken during one of the most distressing and challenging moments I have experienced in my whole life so far. It was gut-wrenching and my heart was heavy, and my eyes were full of unrestrained tears, and I wanted to capture it, so I would not forget the horrible feeling.

Tears... they can be healing too. Really healing.

I have learned that trying to hold back feelings like grief and sadness and heartache, just causes anxiety and distress. Let the tears and feelings come, and be honest about them.

Honest tears feel way better than fake smiles.

Healing is hard... but it doesn't have to be HUGE.

Simple daily efforts is how healing is felt.

You cannot heal yesterday's grief or tomorrow's pain by what you today.

But you can do healing things today, that make today feel better for your soul.

Healing is a feeling, not an event.

Feel that "healing feeling" by doing the simple things that make you feel better, each day.

That's what I am trying to do.

Here are some simple daily healing pics...

I went outside and watched the moon rise over the hill. It was gorgeous!

Easter Sunday. Church was filled with beautiful music about the Savior. I cried SO hard.

Smiling with Johnathan... he is a joy. He is a little miracle.

Sleeping with Johnathan. He likes to take a nap in my bed, and he likes me to sing him to sleep.

Running in a storm. I love storms! No thunder and lightning yet, but hopefully soon!

A rainbow! My favorite! I am always so happy to see a rainbow.

Gorgeous sunset.

I love Spokane.

Spring is finally showing its beauty. I try to appreciate the small things like flowers shining in the sunlight.

Life is emerging!

Going for a ride on William's back. Johnathan loves being up high.

Johnathan showing me piles of tiny rocks. He helps me see life in its simplicity. When was the last time you held a pile of rocks in your hands and just examined them? It was... healing. ;)

Hammocks... are heavenly.

I have been playing catch outside with the boys... it is healing... but also it hurts, they are strong!

Multitasking.

We have been going out walking/running as a family. I love my boys! William pushes the stroller, because he is preparing for the Pioneer Youth Trek this summer! Yay! I love Trek.

I have never seen so many ladybugs in my life! It was amazing! They are supposed to bring good luck, right?

He loves to find his way into my bed. I am grateful to have him to snuggle.

William is such a wonderful big brother. He takes care of Johnathan so beautifully.

Johnathan is so funny, he just loves to look at life from different perspectives. Mostly upside-down.

Such a good helper!

I got to FaceTime while Daniel gathered his group of Nauvoo Missionaries for a music night. It is always so great to hear them sing and be together! He is super excited to go back for round two of Nauvoo!

My sister Kary joined in too. :)

Pumpkin bread for breakfast! Yay!

A late evening run and sunset.

And here is Sammi, because she is cute.

My running shoes... may they help me invite healing daily.

Onward... ever onward. :)

I Guess my Blog Needs a Disclaimer?

I have recently learned that everything that I say, or write, can and will be used against me ... even the good stuff! Because of this strange new reality, I am adding a little "Disclaimer" on my blog, to make sure my writing efforts here on www.clingtocourage.com are more clear and concise and will not be misconstrued.

My blog isn't a play-by-play of factual happenings in my life.

Does anyone write the full story on social media? I think not. I certainly do not write my full story on my blog for the world to read, just bits and pieces of this and that.

There have been plenty of times where awful things have happened and I have not shared a word about it, because, well, I just can't. And it will always be true, that some level of discretion and privacy is needed when sharing life happenings on the internet. I share pieces of the puzzle, not the full picture. The only One who sees the full picture and complexities of my life is God. I am grateful He is my judge.

So, here is my disclaimer:

(And it can always be found right under the "Cling to Courage" blog header.)

DISCLAIMER

This blog is where I record a limited depiction of my feelings, family, and faith. My blog was recently under intense scrutiny, and so I feel this disclaimer is necessary. I try to tell my story as openly as I can, but this blog represents a cropped and narrow-viewed version of my story -- like all social media -- it is NOT the full story. Many events happen behind the scenes that are not recorded or written about, due to the sensitive nature of others involved. Life has many layers. Many layers can be shared and many cannot, and this blog is simply a layer of my life that I allow others to view, but it is not an accurate depiction of all the layers of my life.

Johnathan is turning into such a cute little boy. He is no longer a baby.

Here we have a couple of older cute boys enjoying a nice sunny day in the backyard here in Spokane. Daniel enjoys wearing his family Tartan whenever he can.

And we are upside-down again.

And again...

My boys like to play with these really fun toys. I got them for Johnanthan, but they are fun for all.

I have been spending a lot of time in the temple lately. I LOVE it there! It is a place of peace amidst the CHAOS of life.

A gorgeous sunset with a single storm cloud.

I have a great view of the sunset from my back deck.

Why is Spring hiding this year? I am pretty done with the snow.

And more snow...

I had my kids visit Spokane, the original reason was not so fun, but we made our gathering fun regardless, because that is who we are! The kiddos sang for me, and that warmed my heart! I miss the music!

Yay for FAMILY!

Sammi serenading us on the piano. The piano has missed her.

Soaking in the sunshine!

Laying on the hammock together like we used to. :) Do I look concerned? I have been concerned here lately, for sure. It is hard to hide that concerned look on my face.

Cuties. My parents came to Spokane too, to help me through some hard times.

Sammi helping Johnathan.

A rainbow shining through on April 1st. A little love symbol from Charles. It has been 9 years since he passed away.

The big boys ready to leg wrestle.

Sammi wanted to join the party too.

The big kiddos gathered in the basement for games. They LOVE playing games together. I joined them sometimes too. ;)

Gorgeous clouds.

Learning how to interior design using himself as an accent piece.

Johnathan loves to sit in my cozy red chair. The chair was left with the house, and it is my FAVORITE!

Henry is such a great big brother to Johnathan.

Working on some letters and numbers.

And shapes.

William showing off a cool LEGO set.

Henry showing his cool LEGOS.

Johnathan loves being outside.

And watching the spinning thing in our backyard.

Oh look... it is a picture of Sammi... she made the frame in her art class.

She is majoring in Art, so she must look like it.

She is also a major Disney Princess at parties... she has done most of them!

Merida... (I think she was just trying this costume on for fun.)

Anna... super cutie!

Ariel...

I love how everyone is working creatively on something different in this picture.

Sammi drawing with Henry.

Sammi giving William a hug. He is still working on loving having his picture taken. William has recently worked SUPER hard, lost a bunch of weight and gotten in great shape. It is super inspiring!

This is the machine William used to get in shape. The seller left it with my home. William was super diligent and disciplined about working out on it (still is). Johnathan wanted Sammi to take him on a ride on the machine.

Stacking cups... a favorite thing to play with.

Johnathan often stacks them by color.

He found a Santa hat and wanted to wear it. So cute.

Clouds... I love these kind of puffy clouds.

More Santa hat cuteness.

Johnathan loves his boots. He loves that he can put them on himself.

He has certainly needed his boots this year!

It is interesting because in Spokane, there are still trees that never lost their leaves. So, the Fall leaves are still there in the Spring, except Spring looks like winter. Crazy! Gorgeous though!

More cups...

Sweet baby was sick, but he still looked precious.

The sun comes through these doors and makes rainbows... it is really amazing. I love it.

Because sometimes you need a bulk-sized pack of stress balls.

Family game time, which included Sammi on FaceTime. :)

I love my boys. They are so much fun together.

Family games... see Sammi on FaceTime? :)

Either Sammi is giving Henry life advice, or Henry is giving Sammi life advice. I am not sure which?

Preparing for battle.

This was one of Charles' games... Bounce the Broom. It was SO funny how long it took William to figure it out. We were dying laughing SO hard!

Daniel seeing if he could carry Henry out of a burning building... Yes, he could.

And William too.

Chilling in the toy room.

Playing his dad's guitar.

The boots.

Fun playroom.

I got a splash table for inside during the winter. It is messy, but fun!

Johnathan loves his grandpa. He wanted him to push him on his little car... a little too far down for grandpa.

He would follow him around into the kitchen. Grandpa doesn't always wear a suit, but he had just returned from the temple. My parents were a huge help to me, when I needed them.

I loved General Conference, it was SO needed.

Fog on the high drive.

Cuddling with all the kiddos... Johnathan was running in circles.

I love my children SO MUCH!!!

Here we are gathered in the living room having a very interesting conversation about politics and world peace. One thing I love about my family is that we can have these kind of hard conversations, and even disagree, but we can all still learn from each other and love each other.

The van Ormers in the kitchen. Our natural habitat.

Daniel sporting his kilt and BYU hat, and a Muppet shirt.

Daniel making sure his muscles are still there.

More Disney princesses... because that's normal... and real life. Ha, ha.

This kid and his boots. Love it!

This is a beautiful building in Spokane, the Courthouse. Look at the architecture! Why don't we build like this anymore?

Such an impressive structure.

Building forts for General Conference.

A pan of some of the best brownies ever. It is an old family recipe. SO GOOD.

Ice cream. Is the best.

Enjoying the sunshine.

Johnathan found a strap on Dan's overalls and was holding on to him.

Baby blues.

More princesses.

This wig is so cute it makes bangs look good. :)

I think she does Anna SO well.

Ariel... with feet. :)

Daniel and a Performance Missionary gathering.

Daniel is going back to Nauvoo this summer for another performance mission... here he is practicing for the LIFT!

Nico eating some yummy food.

Some of Sammi's art from class. She is learning to work with different kinds of materials.

Nico and Sammi watched Johnathan and took him to the park.

Yummy food that Sammi ate. It looks amazing...

A cute pumpkin painting by Sammi.

Princesses with some BSU football players.

More Anna.

I think Anna is Sammi's other Spirit Animal besides Rapunzel.

Normal Sammi.

In-between Princess jobs.

Elsa. Sammi mentioned the children can be kind of afraid of Elsa, unless Anna is with her.

Tinkerbell!

Scarlett Witch.

Food eaten by Sammi.... hmmm... I am hungry.

More Sammi's food. And I am more hungry.

Yum. Yum. Yum!

An art project by Sammi...

Airport. Sammi is going to travel quite a bit this year. (Hopefully she will share her pictures!) ;)

BYU attired Daniel.

A pile of brothers.

Just chilling.

Sammi flying.

Sammi went to see some shows.

Beautiful snow!

Beautiful Sammi!

Scary Sammi. (She was helping a friend with a ghost project.)

Beautiful art by Sammi.

A large gathering of the Performing Missionaries at Christmas time.

Dan going to the temple with some friends.

Daniel got into the big musical production, The Secret Garden, at BYU. If you are the area, you will have to go see it! It will be playing in November 2023. He is a lead role with lots of beautiful songs.