My Family, My Rescue Team

My family came to my rescue. After Charles died, all of my siblings began the journey towards my home to be with me, and my children. They traveled to Idaho from Alaska, Utah, and Arizona. They put on hold all that they were doing, and came to help me. And there is no way I would have made it through that fragile time without them.

During the first few weeks I was in a state of shock, and completely overwhelmed with emotion. I was just trying to process everything, and work through the many difficult details that go along with dying. The whole thing was a total out-of-body experience. It is strange to see pictures of me from that time because they are proof that I was actually there in physical form, though everything was experienced by me from deep within my soul... everything felt like a dream.

Even though it was a time of intense grieving and sadness, my family somehow helped me to smile, and even laugh. Along with Jesus, and his gospel -- my family is my foundation of happiness. My family was my sure thing in the chaos of death and despair. They are the people that I have shared my life with, from the very beginning. They were mine, even before Charles was mine. There is nothing like a loving family built on the foundation of the gospel of Jesus Christ. It is a beautiful thing. Family is a beautiful thing. I feel very blessed to have such a kind and giving family. My parents and brothers and sisters are such good, faithful, wonderful people. I am so glad they are mine forever!

My brothers and sisters came in and scooped up my children, and helped them to feel alive and happy. They took them to see movies, to get food, they played Legos, and all sorts of activities to help them feel the love of family, and the reality that our little family is not alone in the world. That our family is more than just our little unit in Idaho... it extends out into a bunch of loving and marvelous souls who love and care about us.

All of my happiest memories are with my family... with my little family, and my extended family.

Family is a divine institution, I can testify to that!

Oh, how I love my wonderful family!

I did not take many pictures during that time. I wish I would have, but I was a bit preoccupied and wasn't thinking of it. I only have a very few... 

This is my sister, Amy. She was William's rescuer. She came in and went right to him. There was an instant bond with them, and William just loved to be with her. It was so cute.

If you give my sister Kary a roll of toilet paper and a few minutes to think, she can come up with a game. (She used to be an elementary gym teacher.) 

I was kind of out of it, how did the game go again Kary?

This is how we watched General Conference. It was the weekend after Charles died. Talk about perfect timing. Notice where I am located on the couch. I am encircled in the arms of my family's love. Also, it is a good idea not to mess with me, cause they all have my back (and my front)! Let's just say I would want these people on my handcart pulling team. ;)

Smiling about who knows what? I am just surprised to see myself smiling.

My cousin Kellie (the one on the right) made the trip from Utah with her sweet friend. I was so happy to have them there! I did not know what I was going to do with little baby Henry during the life celebration, I just brought him hoping something would work out. Her friend volunteered to watch Henry in the nursery. It was a little big miracle!

A fuzzy picture of Sammi and Kary

We went out to a restaurant after the life celebration. I was a total zombie for it, but others seemed to be having fun. This is Sammi on cousin Jim's shoulders (he is 6 feet 5 inches).

And this is my brother John picking up Jim and Sam... before they all fell over. Like I said... if we have to pull handcarts, I know who I want on my team!

Cheese! We were all a little emotionally confused at this point. Between death and all the lessons from General Conference, we all had a lot on our minds! There were a lot of good conversations with everyone. I stayed up late talking to my baby brother John a few nights... just like when we were little. Johnny gave Charles' life sketch at the life celebration, and so we had to work that out together. He did an awesome job at delivering it with humor and skill. He was the right man for the job.

Even though it was an emotional roller coaster, we all kept smiling... despite being sad.

Kimmy, Amy, and Beppy sharing a laugh.

That is how my family rolls. We keep smiling through the hard stuff. That is how we were raised. And that is what Charles would want from us. We talked a lot about Charles and his humor, and jokes. It made us happy. I know that Charles was with us in a powerful way at the very beginning. I don't know this for sure, but I believe that when you die, you likely grieve for your loss and seperation from your family and loved ones. How could you not? I believe Charles was grieving and laughing along with us.

We went on a walk, I was still a zombie, but it made me feel alive. I went running a few days after with my brother and sister and it felt so strange. I felt so mortal. Just being able to breathe and move my body seemed bizarre. How was I doing it? I would ask myself. I should have been crying in the corner? But I did not want to. I wanted to BREATHE! And I needed to remind myself that I was still ALIVE.

My family helped pull everything together for the life celebration. My brother Bob put together beautiful slideshows that played in the cultural hall at the church. My whole family helped make the life celebration beautiful. My whole family -- including my wonderful church family -- who deserves a post all their own. 

Somehow we fit all these people into my 2 bedroom home. (Thank goodness for the couch!) Proof that when there is love, the size of the home does not matter.

This is baby John holding onto mommy. ;-)

And this is a very attractive picture of Charles entertaining my sisters at our family reunion last year. I believe he was telling a joke... or a silly story. Because that is what he did. 

This is a beautiful picture of Charles and my brother Johnny. They were buddies, AKA "Brudders." I have read in Charles' journal that when he had doubts about marrying me, he just could not bear the thought of not having my mom, and John, in his life -- so he went through with it. Thanks Mom and John! I owe you one! ;)

One day Johnny, and all of us, will be able to hug Charles again. I am pretty sure our hugs will look something like this... though I get the first one, and I may never let go!

Family is all about love. And boy howdy am I so grateful for my family! 

6 Months In The Spirit World

Charles has been living in the Spirit World for 6 months. Time and flesh keep us apart for now, but it also brings us closer together. I do not think I have ever loved Charles more than in the last 6 months, without him visibly by my side. My heart seems to have grown in capacity to love with this physical separation. I always intensely loved him, now I extremely long for him. I simply cannot wait to see him again, and give him a great big hug, and look into his beautiful brown eyes, and hear his contagious laugh. Oh, how I will savor that moment. 

I was recently asked what it is like being physically separated from Charles. I will tell you...

It feels like I am going crazy, and it also feels totally normal.

Life can seem so routine. Moments are just like they always were before. We are happy, the kids are thriving, and all is generally well and good. We keep busy, we run, we do homework, we eat, we watch movies, go to Church, etc., etc. And then, in a flash of remembrance, the thought will come to my mind, "But he is gone, he is dead." And I wonder how in the world I am allowed to feel joy and "normal" when my whole world has been turned upside-down, and the body of the man I love is sleeping in a grave in Idaho City.

But just as I think he is gone, and I wonder how I can possibly carry on without him -- I feel him near me, and I know he is not really gone -- I just cannot see him right now. I absolutely, 100%, know that he still lives. And I know that I will see him again. I just have to be patient, and it will be worth it. That is where living life one day at a time becomes so important. I can be happy, one day at a time.

I find the hardest thing for me is not knowing where he is at all times. I mean, I know where he is -- in a state of happiness in the spirit world -- but I am naturally curious where he is hanging out at any given moment. Is he in Idaho? In Hawaii? In Australia? He always talked about moving to Australia....

As I ponder these questions, and others, I find that there is some doctrine written on the subject of the spirit world, and how it works, but much is not. And that is where faith is required. And I have found a new reason to exercise my faith. Some things I just will not know (or see) in this lifetime. (I like to seek out and find answers -- that is just who I am.) But I take great comfort that all will be revealed, and I believe we will all stand amazed at how beautifully wonderful the Plan of Salvation really is. And how glorious life will be after we die. From what I have read, and studied, it is a place of beauty and glory beyond compare. If my dreams are any indication, then there is so much to look forward to!

It is a bit strange living in the physical world, while having part of my heart in the spirit world. Like I said, sometimes I can feel a little crazy. I don't know any other way to describe it. We mortals go around thinking we are going to live in this state of mortality forever, and then someone dies, and reminds us that we are only temporary visitors here. We are fragile and frail physical beings right now, we are always defying death each day we carry on living. But there is so much more to life and eternity than we consider on a daily basis. There is a Plan so much bigger than we can possibly comprehend. It is God's plan. It is properly named: The Plan of Happiness.

Can you feel that immortal being within you? Well, can you? Can you feel the reality that your life will continue on, even after you die? There is no way that Charles is only a decaying body in the dirt. No! He lives! Because of Jesus, and the plan of our Heavenly Father -- he lives!

I know it's true!

We are here to be tested to see if we will be faithful and true to the God who gave us life. Charles' mortal testing time was finished, and he has moved on to the next phase of life. Even though he was too young in worldly standards to die -- he was ready to meet his Maker. He has a special love for Heavenly Father and Jesus. His relationship with Them fills the pages of his journals.

He is now surrounded by his ancestors, and others who have the pleasure to dwell in his pleasant company. In my mind's eye I can see him surrounded by his family of valiant American soldiers, and hard-working farmers. I imagine them comfortably gathering around him, and loving him, since they have been watching him for a long time now. And I can see my Mormon Pioneer ancestors reaching out to him in love and fellowship, as Charles was a convert, and a Mormon Pioneer in his family. I can also see him with my Grandma Lindquist, smiling and joking together, and running freely through Heavenly waters. (Charles once pushed her in a wheelchair through the sprinklers at a park, and she loved him for that, and other reasons.)  They are special friends...

Of course my knowledge of the gospel plan takes some of the sting of death away, but for some reason, the physical separation is still very painful -- it is meant to be so. It is part of life and love. Perhaps one of the most challenging trials of life and love is being separated by death. Especially death of spouse, because, at least for me, Charles was/is my everything. And let me tell you, that physical separation is hard, and a heavy burden to bear.

I miss Charles desperately, everyday. But I also know that I will see him again someday -- who knows when? Right now, because I feel happy, that time does not seem so far away. Somedays it hurts more than others. But in this moment, while thinking about seeing him again -- I feel joy in my heart. As I write, my mind is swirling with images and hope for the eternal future with Charles. They are images so beautiful, I dare not write them. My pathetic words will never do.

In the last 6 months, my faith has been taken to an entirely different level. I never have, and never will doubt the gospel of Jesus Christ. It is truth, and I love and seek after truth. Denying the gospel would be denying my entire reason for existence. My life would be meaningless and void without it. All the happiness that exists in my life is because of the gospel found in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

It is because of the gospel that I will see my Charles, my great love, again. And we will be together forever. I have always known the gospel is true, but now I have a greater appreciation for my Savior and His Ultimate sacrifice. I have grown much closer to Him through this time of sorrow and pain. He has made me whole, even as I face the physical world without a companion. And that is a miracle!

I have made it 6 months with Charles living in another sphere, which I cannot now see.

I'll just keep taking the future as it comes, one day at a time.

And then, on one of those future days -- I will see him again!

Hooray!

I love you Charles!

Tomorrow is another day closer to being with you again.

A Musical Video Tribute for Charles

This video was a labor of love! I had to go through all the home videos we had on the camcorder -- videos that were mostly of the children -- but I happened to catch Charles in them, too. Add to the list of things to do for history's sake -- record video! And don't forget to turn the camera on to you, too, moms! I am so grateful for the video of Charles, it is priceless to me!

I love this man. Charles is the best. It makes me so happy just to see his face, hear his voice, and giggle along with his awesome laugh. He continues to raise us up. We all stand on his shoulders. I am super-excited to see him again. He is awesome.

Thanks for the memories, Charles!



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The Headstone

We took a Sunday drive up to Idaho City. At church today,  I was talking to someone who said they had gone up to the cemetery, and found his headstone. He then showed me some pictures of it on his phone. The funny thing is, I did not know it had been installed yet! It kind of took my breath away for a moment.

After a little Sunday rest this afternoon (I have had many sleepless nights, lately), I felt prompted to take a drive up to the cemetery, with the kids. I was really tired (I spent the entire night last night crying and talking to God), and I was not too eager to drive, but I felt we needed to go. My mind would not let go of the idea -- despite my puffy eyes, and weariness. It had been quite awhile since we had been there. And I was really interested to see how the headstone turned out -- I did help design it. Beyond that, it just felt important, somehow, that we go.

While we drove through the beautiful ponderosa pines (which smelled so yummy!), we played the Frozen soundtrack, and we all sang along to all the songs, at the top of our lungs. It was quite the beautiful noise we were producing. As I was driving, and singing loudly with great enthusiasm, I started to feel something. Something began stirring inside of me… it was like my moxie began seeping out of my mouth, as I sang with all of my heart and soul. It felt… good! I was reminded that I need to use it, or lose it. I need to sing more. Singing makes me happy. I want to be happy. Therefore I need to sing. Basic logic. (Did I mention I got an A+ in my college Logic class?) 

We got to the cemetery and it was really hot outside, with no hint of a breeze. It was not as pleasant of an experience as we have had in the past. It felt so empty. But the kids still enjoyed it, especially digging in the dirt, and looking at the headstone. We said a family prayer, which I gave as the head of the household.

It was nice to be there, and I am very pleased with the headstone, but something was missing. 

I did not feel anything. I suppose I went hoping for some great display of Charles' presence, or some hint of closeness with him, in his physical resting place -- which we have had very powerfully before. I knew I felt prompted to go, but there was nothing there for me, other than the pretty headstone. The air was still, there was no hint of the breeze which has become his calling-card. It was still, and quiet -- too quiet. It felt hollow for me.

I suppose I should not say that I did not feel anything, because I did feel something.

What I felt was that Charles was not there. He wasn't there, not at all. 

His body lay in a casket, in a vault, under 6 feet of dirt, with his headstone on top, but he was not there!  Not even in spirit.

This made me wonder. Lately, I have felt Charles very close to me. I have had very peaceful and calm feelings, also some very sorrowful and achey feelings -- but whether I feel joy or sorrow, I have felt him near me. But while at the cemetery -- a place I thought surely I would be able to feel him even closer -- it was void of the feelings I have felt, even within my own home.

He is not there!

After some time basking in the emptiness, and hiking around the hills, I loaded the kids in the van, and drove away from the cemetery. As I was driving home and enjoying the beauties of God's creations, I felt like the emptiness I experienced at the cemetery was a message to me. The message I felt was that I need to move forward with life. This death which has been all-consuming for me, cannot consume me. I am not dead, I am alive. And I need to LIVE!

The dirt next to Charles -- the burial plot I bought for me -- is still empty. I still breathe. I still have purpose. And I have work to do! Charles is moving forward with his life, too. He was there at the cemetery when we needed him before, but now, he has work to do!

We both have work to do.

I feel like Charles is urging me to move forward, and not waste time wallowing in grief over him. I am allowed my sadness and aching, but I need to keep pulling my handcart while I cry. I must keep moving forward… continuing forward.

I must find my courage! (I have been lacking it a bit, lately.) 

My vision is still fuzzy about what it is I am meant to do, but I do know this… whatever it is will be God's will, not my own.

My life is in His hands. My heart is open to hear the whisperings of the Spirit.

Right after Charles took his last breath in the hospital, I heard his voice very clearly.

Charles said two things:

1. "I am more powerful than I have ever been!"
2. "Mari, now go and become everything you are meant to be."  

I was alone in the hospital room when I responded to him, "I will."

So, now I am on a journey of trying to become everything I am meant to be. I don't know what that means, exactly, but I do know Someone who does.

If I am quiet enough, maybe, just maybe, I will hear the still small voice whisper to me.

And I will know what I am meant to do… I will know who I am meant to become.

I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father, who loves me, and I love Him.

There is work I need to do for Him, and I intend to do it!

I put "Mormon Pioneer" on his headstone because he is a convert to the church, and he has done a beautiful job with his Family History, and Temple work for his ancestors. The work he started is left for me to continue. He also gave everything for his family, and his God. He worked so hard and gave everything to us and others, with very little thought for himself. Charles was a true Pioneer. I imagine he is with his ancestors, of course, but I also hope my pioneer ancestors have embraced him with open arms, as he is worthy of their great company -- he can stand tall with those who have given everything for their faith in God. 

Onward! 

Somewhere Over the Rainbow -- Back to Our Engagement Spot

Charles asked me to marry him. It was September 4th, 1999 -- in Denali, Alaska. This was not a shock of an event, actually we had pretty much pre-planned it. We had gone together to pick out our rings, and we had talked about what kind of place would be special for us -- we were never really too big into surprises, or unplanned events. 

My family always traveled to Denali for Memorial day, and Labor day weekend. Charles came along for the Labor day trip, and we went on our traditional drive out to Savage Rock -- a great place to view Denali, see animals, and a great place to hike. (And get engaged!) 

Charles and I took off together, up to the top of Savage rock. While we were up there, Charles asked if we could pray together. We found a good rock, knelt across it, and had a special prayer. I sure wish I remember what we prayed about, but I do remember feeling very good. Then he pulled out the ring, and officially asked me to marry him. Of course, my response was, "yes!" 

And then, not too long after that, a rainbow appeared over Savage rock. 

As if we needed a sign… (But it sure helped, and it was beautiful!) 

What is really interesting for me now, is reading through Charles' journal, and my journal, from around that time of life. (Engagement/ early-marriage time.) We were such little babies. We were so immature, and so ridiculously silly! We also both expressed great doubts about whether or not we should even marry each other. We were so young... there were so many fish in the sea! We both had other people that would pop into the pages of our journals -- people causing doubt in our minds of whether we were "meant" to be together. 

But, looking back, there seemed to be a force stronger than ourselves helping us to move forward, despite our fears and concerns (and other love interests!). And, with Sammi, Daniel, William, and Henry as proof -- marrying Charles was the right thing to do! There is no doubt in my mind about that! I am glad we were brave enough to go through with it! We almost called it off at one point! (Another story, for another day!) 

That time -- engagement time -- was so difficult, and challenging. (Don't get me started on the first year of marriage! Yikes!) However, what is so beautiful to me, is that we persevered through the challenges, and over time our love blossomed into something strong and wonderful. Our fears and doubt about us being together faded, and our love grew stronger with each passing day. Of course we had trials, and challenges, and disagreements, and even heated arguments -- but we also had a foundation of love. And we were just best friends. And, well, we were willing to work things out -- even really hard things. 

It is just so weird for me looking back at Charles' feelings, during our first few years together. (I read through them a few nights after he died -- BIG mistake!)  I even got upset as I read about another girl in his journals, and all his love-interests, before he met me. But then, all I have to do is go take a look at my journal before I met him and, WOW! (I'll be ripping out pages of that journal… no one needs to read through that!) 

Also, reading about our first year of marriage stirred-up some really interesting emotions. Learning to live with someone new is really something! But as I looked through his/my journal, our feelings were mutual -- it was ROUGH!!!!

But we made it through to better days! Not really easier days… just better, somehow. 

It is interesting to read the changes in Charles' journal about his fears and doubts concerning marriage. And also when a transition took place. The tone of both of our journals seem to change about the same time Sammi was born, and when we became a father, mother, child, family. Perhaps it is because we put away our selfishness with each other, and worked together on a common goal of taking care of our children, and moving forward as a family. We were no longer just Mari and Charles, we were a Mom and Dad -- together. There is a clear difference in how both of us wrote when children entered the picture… it is a beautiful thing. 

Anyway, I am getting WAY off-topic here… But, I suppose, it's my perogitive to do that! Things pop into my mind, and this is where they go! 

So, getting to the point of this post… 

While I was visiting Alaska recently, I decided I wanted to go and visit Savage Rock. I wanted to have a moment there of feeling and reflection, and I certainly had it. So, I hiked up the mountain with my sister, Kary, and some of the kids. But when we got to the special place, I only took Sammi and Daniel up with me. (Kary kept the other kids with her.) 

We went up to the same spot where Charles proposed to me. We found the rock where we prayed together. There was truly a special spirit that I felt while up on the mountain top, with my children. I had a deep sense of gratitude to my Heavenly Father, and for every blessing He has allowed me to enjoy in my life. Charles is my greatest blessing. I felt overwhelmed, that somehow -- out of all the billions of people -- Heavenly Father allowed me to find my best friend. We did not start out as best friends -- that first year of marriage sends chills down my spine -- but we developed our closeness, and love, over time. And now my heart just bursts for him. His death has just made my love for him that much more intense. 

Love is amazing. Love is so powerful. And truly, indescribable with words! Wow.  

After some time with the kids, taking pictures, and carving our initials in the rock, I had them head down, so I could have some time alone. 

I found a place to sit, and pray, and ponder. The wind was blowing just right, and I was above the world, on the mountain, looking over God's beautiful creations. I felt so connected to Charles while I was there -- I did not want to leave, ever. Tears freely poured down my face, and I cried a very achey, painful cry. As I sat there -- crying and curled up in a ball in a crack in the mountain -- the rain began to fall. My tears were making friends with the rain falling on my face. 

Sometimes, when I feel so close to Charles -- like I did in that moment -- that is when it hurts the most. He is so close, yet so far away. If I had those moments all the time, I would not be able to carry on with life. These moments are unique and special, not everyday occurrences. Though they do happen, even when I am just at home. 

The rain kept falling. 

The rain caused me to get up and move. I could not stay there forever like I wanted to. I had to go back down to the real world, my children, and life… and find the courage to continue. (Seriously, just living the rest of my life on that rock felt like a good idea -- it was so calm, peaceful, and wonderful.) 

I am so grateful I had the chance to go and visit that most sacred and special place. It is now a treasured moment that I will cherish forever. Life is all about these kind of moments -- it is important to make them. Sometimes precious moments happen naturally, and sometimes you have to plan for them, and make them happen. 

I am glad I made this plan to visit our spot. It was wonderful. (Thanks to my family for getting me there!) 

From my experience, I learned that Charles wants me to keep moving forward… with life.  

His days on this earth are complete, but I am still alive. And he wants me to be happy.

If I spend the rest of my life shriveled-up in misery, he will be very disappointed in me. 

So… I choose happiness! 

And you should, too! 

Some images from the journey… 

On a clear day, you can see Mt. McKinley from this perspective. It was cloudly, but still beautiful. 

 Daniel checking out the view.

 Sammi found a quiet spot to ponder life.

 Daniel working on carving our initials into our rock.

C+ M = Charles and Mari forever

I wear my wedding ring, and also Charles' wedding ring on my thumb. I decided to take them off, and place them on the rock where he proposed, for a picture. (I was SUPER careful!) Notice the simplicity of my ring. I picked that ring because I am not a fancy girl, and jewelry is not my thing. (Though I have recently taken a liking to meaningful necklaces!) My ring has 12 diamonds, because that is how many children we originally wanted. (No joke!) We managed to receive 4 of the 12… and I (and my body) think 4 is a beautiful number!

 Another thinking spot for Sammi.

 The pathway to Heaven…

My view looking down from my crack in the mountain, where I was sitting to pray and ponder.

 Me standing in front of Savage Rock, holding my Courage to Continue sign.

 With the family…

Me sitting on the rock where we decided to become Mari and Charles… forever. 

Yes, I will continue… continuing. 

Right after we were engaged… notice the Rainbow right over our spot. Rainbows have been meaningful to us ever since. 

Somewhere over the Rainbow… that is where Charles is now… where happy little blue birds fly!