Always Be Forgiving

I enjoyed 15 years of marriage with Charles, before he died. Tomorrow, we would be celebrating our 19th wedding anniversary. As time goes on, I find that I feel less sorrow, and more gratitude, for what we shared together. In fact, my heart burns with gratitude as I think of the sacred relationship that we had, and the joy I was allowed to experience.

Charles does feel like a memory on normal days, but I find that if I look through pictures, a flood of memories come surging into my mind and heart. Some memories are better than others, but they all combine into the beauty of the life that we were able to spend together. I am so grateful for the life and love that we had. I feel very blessed to have known such love in my lifetime, even though it was cut short. Well, I suppose it was just Charles' life that was cut short, not our love.

Love never dies.

When we were sealed in the temple 19 years ago, we were given very little advice. But the advice we were given was perhaps the most powerful I have ever received. The temple sealer said to us, "Remember to always be forgiving." Those words were etched deep into my heart, on that most sacred wedding day.

There were so many times throughout our relationship where forgiveness was required. Charles wasn't perfect, and I was equally flawed. As we tried to balance our flaws, with our desires to be better, we managed to gloss over a lot of our weak places with the ointment of love and forgiveness. It was not always easy to work through the hard things that would frequently come up. Sometimes there were big things, and sometimes the day-to-day things could get the better of us, if we were not careful in how we treated each other.

To truly love someone is not an easy task. So much of love requires a forgiving heart, and an equal measure of patience, and kindness. Love really is an action word, and not just the noticeable exterior service-style actions, but also the quiet charitable choices applied to the interior of one's own heart. Choosing to show love is one thing, and choosing to feel love is another. Sometimes pride can get in the way of such charitable feelings and actions, particularly when it comes to loving a companion. Our hearts can grow cold, even towards those we once loved the most, if proper care of the heart is not taken.

Pride is so very destructive.

If the heart is locked up with pride, forgiveness is the key.

I recently read a quote that said: "Opening one's heart creates energy. Closing one's heart depletes energy." And it is so true, especially in marriage relationships. I think of that "energy" as the radiant energy of love. We can have our hearts open to love, or closed off to love.

And it is a choice!

I have personally experienced being both open and closed hearted, even on the same day! I can for sure say that having an open and loving heart is the better option. We may "close" our hearts to try and protect them from pain, but the only thing we are protecting is our pride. And having a prideful heart is perhaps the most painful thing of all. Ouch! 

I sometimes wonder how well Charles and I would have handled life moving forward, with the challenges that have come from a different, more mature, stage of life. I guess I will never know the answer to that question. But I cannot help but wonder how he would have handled things like the teenage years for our children, and really scary things, like his only daughter dating boys! (Heaven help me!)

The counsel of forgiveness that we received all those years ago, while kneeling at the temple, has been such a blessing in my life. I have referenced it often throughout our marriage, and in other challenging life circumstances.

I even had to forgive Charles for dying, and leaving me a single widow to raise our children. (As if he had control over it somehow!) I also felt like I had to forgive God for taking Charles from me, in such an abrupt and unexpected way. Oh how deeply I struggled with my feelings, as grief and sorrow flooded the entirety of my fragile heart. I am grateful for my foundation that was built upon my Savior, or I would have surely fallen into despair.

It took me some time to reconcile my feelings towards Charles for dying. (Yes, I know that it is not rational to blame Charles for dying, but when your spouse dies, being rational often dies, too.) And then I had to work out my feelings with my Heavenly Father. I had to let God know all of my frustrations and hard feelings, and get them all out, and lay them at His feet -- honestly and openly -- before I could see the wisdom in His plan for me, and my family. It has not been easy to walk such a path towards peace and understanding, but it has been worth it.

Yes, I was mad at God. In fact, for a time, I was very mad. And guess what? He could handle my anger towards Him. It is amazing how the intensity of grief and loneliness can be a violent battleground for proving one's faith and foundation. I never once doubted that my Heavenly Father knew and loved me, I was just so sad and scared, and my fear turned to anger, as fear often does. This is why fear is such a great tool for the adversary to use to manipulate our hearts. If you are feeling angry, perhaps ask yourself if that anger is not just fear with a mad-mask.

I am so grateful that God has forgiven me for my mortal weaknesses, and my emotionally-driven human frailties. But He understands! He created me, and you! He totally gets us and our feelings! As I managed to let go of my fear and angry feelings towards God, I realized I did not have to forgive Him for taking my Charles; I had to trust Him, and His eternal plan for me. And once I was able to do that, I discovered a peace that surpasses all understanding. I had need of forgiveness from God, not the other way around. Harboring anger for anyone -- especially towards God -- is a great way to harden one's heart, and I do not recommend it; unless you enjoy pain eating away at your soul.

So, my pride was getting the best of me, closing off my heart, and causing me pain. My feelings were real and intense, and I needed to work through them. And with Heavenly help, I have been able to! Hooray! (It has been more than a year since working through these feelings.)

I am so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who is patient and kind, and He knows me perfectly. I was prompted to make frequent temple attendance a more valued and important part of my life. As I continued attending the temple, I was able to open my heart more and more. I needed to be as close to my Heavenly Father and Savior as possible, and the temple is a piece of our Heavenly Home on earth. I have found healing in the House of the Lord. It feels as if each time I go, Heaven's light opens my heart more and more to greater love for God, and from Him.

Trusting God completely is a process. I believe all who experience such an extreme loss in life find that to let go, and trust Him, is a path that must be physically and spiritually walked -- not just in thought and theory -- but in faithful, fiery, footsteps. The process of grief, sorrow, forgiveness, and spiritual freedom is a lifelong journey, not just a quick one-time jolt. The journey is ever-changing, but as we cling to Christ, life can be full of love and beauty beyond compare!

I do believe as I fill my own heart full of forgiveness and love, and as I focus my life and energy on my Heavenly Father and my Savior, my capacity to love will grow, and maybe, one day, I can become the truly loving woman I want to be.

Happy Anniversary, Charles!

Thank you for teaching me how to really love!