Remarriage is a Beautiful Battleground

We have been married now for almost 4 months. Clearly, with 4 months of experience, this makes me an expert on the subject of remarriage. Since I am so highly qualified, I want to share my wisdom and acquired remarriage expertise with you.

Ha. Ha.

Okay. Let's be real here. I am no expert. In fact, I feel slightly (immensely) vulnerable sharing much of what I have learned up to this point. I am a newlywed novice when it comes to the rigorous realm of remarriage. I am just an infant when it comes to the life lessons that will surely crawl my way, as I live with a new husband, who brings five children along for the journey. I have no clue what adventures and trials lie waiting in the balance of the future.

But, that is exactly why I want to write and share what I have learned, right now, in the beginning.

I do not have decades of knowledge and experiences to glean my remarriage wisdom from. We are now in the trenches. We are just entering this new battleground; a battleground full of unknown emotional monsters and dragons. These beasts are just waiting to breathe fire on our already war-torn widowed and divorced hearts. We have both fought our separate battles of grief and pain, and we carry with us our scars from our previous combat zones.

These heart-scars are freshly stitched up and still healing, but now we soldier on -- much stronger -- together.

We stand together on the front line. We are fresh, exposed, vulnerable, and we are trying so hard to fortify and strengthen our love and relationship, as we face tremendous strain and tests that often catch us off our guard.

We are standing on the edge -- the beginning of an eternal commitment to each other and our families -- and it is often a scary view (for me), if I try and look too far forward. I can become almost paralyzed by what I imagine the future to be, rather than what it will become naturally, one day at a time. I have come to learn that imagination can be a beautiful thing, but it can also be destructive if not tempered with a healthy dose of day-to-day wisdom and a sense of reality.

As I look to the future of our families, I need to remember that I have survived all the days of my life so far, and chances are, I will survive all the rest of them, too. If I do not survive, then I will die. If I die, I will still be alive, because of Jesus, and that is not so bad either.

Isn't Heavenly Father's plan wonderful?

One thing I have learned is that marriage is beautiful, and it is also hard work. It can be really hard work, the second time around. The discussions we have are often book-worthy as our plot thickens, and the characters in our combined worlds continue to have increasingly interesting, and dramatic storylines.

Oh, and let's talk about my new title: "Stepmother." Ugh. I just did a Google search of the word "stepmother," and the first thing that showed up was Cinderella's evil stepmother. Nice. Will someone please, pretty please, write a story about a sparkly-fairy-princess stepmother, who saves the world with love, kindness, and rainbows?

I keep asking David's children to just think of me as more like an Aunt, rather than an evil stepmother. When I mentioned that the first time, his oldest son said, "But that is gross, that means my dad married his sister." Hmmm... the struggle is real. Another one of his children said, "Well, if you are my Aunt, than I have to be your evil nephew." He began to giggle with delight at his own cleverness. I applauded him for that one. Well played child, well played.

With all of the crazy we have to deal with, one of the things that we do to fortify our relationship is studying together. David is also a deep-thinker, and he loves to have deep conversations about everything. I feel blessed to have found such a lovely match with him in that area. He had done a lot of studying before I met him. He made a great effort to heal and grow, and to become a new creature. He has developed and changed so much. I was making a similar effort to become better, and to stay close to Jesus. I am so grateful for the efforts we have both made to get us ready for each other.

Now that we are together, we have new higher-level lessons to learn. Without a companion, I could only grow and develop to a certain level. In marriage you receive a special kind of feedback that does not take place in other relationships. You really get to see all the different aspects and elements of each other: for better, or worse. I have seen areas where I need to improve, places that could not have been uncovered without a companion digging into the deep emotional caverns in my heart. It can be hard, but I am very grateful to have such a loving and supportive companion who is open to learning, and who also wants to learn and grow along with me.

We have recently started using a marriage resource guide put out by the Church. It is called "Strengthening Marriage." We have found it very helpful, insightful, and wonderful! It is short, sweet, and straightforward. I highly recommend it for everyone to read through, whether you are in a relationship, or not. The short guide helps to really see yourself, and helps to take a hard look at your own patterns and behaviors that might need some improvement. It can help you in all the different relationships of life.

Click HERE for the resource guide.

It really is awesome! Read it!

My personal tip while reading through this guide is to take your finger, and point it towards yourself. I know, hard to do! While going through the material, do not look at it wishing your companion would fix this-or-that about themselves, look at it wondering how YOU can do better in the relationship.

I have been doing this myself, and I can see areas where I very much need to grow and improve. There is a section on anger management, and I can see some passive areas that I need to mop up within myself. I am not above improvement! It is not easy to be open to such hard introspection of oneself, but in a relationship where it takes two people working together, it is crucial to be able to see yourself, and the part that you play as a peacemaker, or a peace-taker.

We all have room for improvement, I am sure!

What is possible in marriage is extraordinary. I lived without being married for five years as a widow, and I know the difference between single and married life. Marriage takes sacrifice. I repeat, marriage is HARD WORK. But the work is so worth it. There is no relationship as precious and valuable as the love shared between husband and wife. It is such a sacred space, where deep, heavenly, learning takes place.

I am grateful for the resources that are available to help strengthen the marriage relationship. I never expected to walk into marriage a second time. My first marriage with Charles was on a beautiful path that I loved and cherished so much. I never thought I would be without him in this life. And now, after a very short time together, I cannot imagine my life without my sweet David by my side. I can see how clearly he was meant for me, and I have been prepared for him too. God prepared a way for us to find each other, and I cannot even begin to express my gratitude.

I do not know how things will work out in the eternities, as far as who I will end up with (Charles or David) forever. That is too far beyond my comprehension of eternal matters. I do know that Heavenly Father knows those things, and so I will rely on Him to work those things out.

In the meantime, I cherish the memory of Charles, the covenants we made, and I love David with all of the capacity of my heart right now. I do not see David as the man who is walking me back to Charles, that is a ridiculous notion to me. I love David with all the love I have to offer, he is my husband, and I love and adore him fully, without limits. If ever the rules change, and I can be sealed to David in the temple, we will run to the temple as fast as we can! If the sealing can't happen in this lifetime, my children said they will take care of it for us. Yes, that is how much they love David.

As I walk through this journey of life, after losing my beloved first husband; living as a single mom of four children for five years; getting remarried again to a man I absolutely adore; being a stepmother (Aunt Mari) to five more children; and entering the world of hundreds of new Youngberg in-laws, I sometimes have to wonder what God wants me to learn from all of these unexpected experiences.

The thing is, I know the answer.

The answer is simple, yet complex:

God wants me to learn how to love.

He does not want me to learn how to love just a little.

He needs me to learn how to love a lot.

I can almost feel the stretch-marks forming on my heart, as the capacity to carry my maximum heart-load continues to stretch and grow.

God has given me a lot of people to love, on this beautiful battleground called remarriage.

I hope my heart can handle it!