You Only Live Once... Forever!

I suppose uncertainty has become normal to me. When you watch someone you love drop dead in front of you, it changes the way you comprehend life. My perspective since becoming a widow 6 years ago, demands that I take life one moment at a time. If I try to think about the future too much, I simply can't comprehend what it might become with all of the strange and moving pieces. I recognize that all things can change in an instant; for better, or for worse. With all the crazy in the world right now, many things are uncertain, but it really is going to be okay, because no matter what, we are in God's hands.

As they say, the trick is to enjoy the journey.

And, oh, what a journey my life has been! Wow!

I am really learning to enjoy the journey with its bumps, bruises, and even the bootie pain.

Speaking of bootie pain... I have started Mountain Biking! It is something that David loves, and so I thought I would give it a try, too. David has come running with me many times, and so, since marriage is about compromise, I am making an effort to do something that he loves, because I love him. And, since I am 40 now, I figured I better start trying the things I have always wanted to do, before it is too late to try!

I have not done a lot of bike-riding; at least not riding that does not involve pulling baby-trailers. So, just going out on the trails with only David, has been a real treat. We have also started having the kids along on their bikes to enjoy some riding, too.

It has been really fun! I am still so much of a newbie, and what I think is hard is likely easy for many who ride regularly. But you know what? I am thrilled at my ability to even do this thing that once scared me!

WooHoo!

I wrote a post on the Widow's page on Facebook about an experience that I had while biking. I thought I would share it here... 

May 16, 2020

I recently started mountain biking. It is new to me. My new husband, David, loves to mountain bike, and so, I am trying new things, and going out of my comfort zone, and onto the trails with him.

On our second time out, David took me into some back woods area. We reached a certain point where I suddenly felt unsure, nervous, and like I wanted to throw up. I was able to climb up the hills well enough, but some of the downhill parts were steep and long, and I felt very unsure of myself going down with so much speed. I was so worried about crashing.

As I approached one particular downhill, I had to stop and make a choice to simply walk myself, and my bike, down the hill. I felt like a pansy, especially after watching David fly down it gracefully, right before me. But I knew I was not ready for such a big downhill on the bike yet, so I uncomfortably walked, instead of trying to ride like the wind, down the steepness of the rocky trail.

I did not want to risk injury, or worse. I have already had some minor crashes a few times, and my body is becoming familiar with bruising and bending in new ways. I am not a fan of pain, and I try to avoid it if I can. My body knew I was not ready... yet.

Come to find out, the trail he had taken me on was not a beginner trail, it was intermediate -- above my skill level. I knew it was too challenging for me, because of the way I felt, but I did not want to just turn back.

So, I pansy-walked the hard stuff, but I kept going forward; riding when I could, and walking when I couldn't ride. The only thing injured was my pride, as David would wait for me to walk myself down to him.

But I did not turn back, even when I wanted to barf, and despite the fact that I was shaking with anxiety and fear. I followed my David into unknown wilderness, and I kept on keeping on, until it was time to turn around and go home.

My new adventures in mountain biking made me think about the journey of life, and for me in particular, it made me think about the challenges of being a newly remarried widow.

The uncharted treacherous path of being married again is SO challenging sometimes.

It can be thrilling, and the view is beautiful, but remarriage also feels like pedaling uphill on rough terrain, or flying downhill too fast, that everything feels out of control.

Sometimes, there are flat parts, where it is just smooth-sailing and enjoying the view, but so often remarriage is hard emotional work. We are dealing with some hard stuff right now, and I am feeling it.

Getting remarried required an act of great bravery on my part. I was SO scared to get married again. I was getting quite comfortable alone with my children, at least that was familiar territory. Now so much of my life feels uncertain and even uncomfortable, as we try to adjust to the newness of so many different relationships within our family.

Learning how to mountain bike is also out of my comfort zone, but even though it is hard and new to me, I am learning and growing so much from this new challenge. And the more I do it, the more I want to do it more!

I know that Heavenly Father wants me to continue to learn and grow, and I know that remarriage is stretching me in ways I simply would not be growing alone. (I never would have started mountain biking without David, for example! He often gets me to try new things and he flings me out of my comfort zone, often.)

Life is, in some ways, harder together, but life is also better together.

It is amazing how often hard stuff is better for the soul than comfort.

I guess my point is, if you are stuck in a comfort zone, don't be afraid to get out there and crush the comfort out of the zone! If you have to walk instead of ride sometimes -- especially as you are developing new skills -- then walk.

But don't turn back.

Have the courage to continue!

Do you know what is on the other side of crushing your comfort zone?

JOY!

And pain too... but mostly, JOY!

So get out there, my friends, get out there and get into your uncomfortable zone and try something new that scares you.

The hillside of hard and joy are just waiting to be traveled.

I have been mountain biking again since I wrote that post, and I hope to continue improving my abilities to ride, in places that I am not currently competent in. I am trying really hard to overcome my fears of going down long steep hills. My deeply embedded fears stem from breaking my leg while flying violently down a sledding hill, at age 12. It was for sure a moment of impact in my life, that changed the course of many things, because my body was broken. So, even now, all these years later, I just freeze when I look down a steep long decline.

I know I can learn how to conquer my fear and glide smoothly down the mountain trails, and through the trials of life...

UPDATE: I DID IT! I tackled a steep downhill, and I did not crash, or die! It was an amazing feeling! As I approached the big hill (it was big for me), I was originally planning to just hop off my bike and walk it, but after some downhill practice on less steep areas, I felt strangely confident enough to try it! It was like my bike spoke to me and said, "We've got this girl!" So, I positioned my bootie down low, and I very slowly went down, praying the whole time, and I made it to the bottom! WooHoo! Honestly, in some ways it felt better than crossing the finish line of my marathon! This same hill might be easy-peasy for some, but for me, conquering my downhill fear in that moment was HUGE!

I have been back to go down the hill again and again now... I can do hard things!


Oh my goodness... sometimes it is just SO beautiful out on the trails.


My son, Daniel, said recently, "You only live once... forever!"

This life is all part of forever, so I might as well live it fully, right?!

Speaking of life... here a million pictures of life lately...

Over the last few months the kids have spent so much time together, it has been kind of wonderful to see as a mother. I know they miss their friends and activities, but watching them grow together and play together has been great !

 We have had times of painting.

 And deep discussions about life.

 I painted a little... This is my attempt at The First Vision of Joseph Smith praying in the Sacred Grove.

We have gone through all sorts of weird emotions, both highs and lows. One day Daniel put on his Jean Valjean costume, because he felt trapped like a prisoner. (Ahhh... drama kids.) ;)

The boys have been jumping on the trampoline together a lot. It has been really bonding for them. They all put on their Comfy's and fly!

 Spring has been beautiful, and the flowers and growth have made for glory all around.

 The Heron are often flying around our area.

 We have gone for LOTS of walks, in all sorts of weather, just to get outside to breathe!

 Rainbow!

 On one of our walks it started out pouring and then the sun broke through and it was magical.

 This was over a month ago, before the leaves were fully out.

 Boise really is beautiful.

 I have taken the kids outside a bunch of times, to play by the river, and again... just breathe. For our family, this being together a lot does not feel so unusual.

 I love these kiddos!

 Good times.

 It is a blessing to live so close to nature.

 Just exploring our world.

 The blossoms of Spring seemed all the more potent this year.

David decided to take the canoe down the river, he called to get permission to make sure it was okay at the time.

 He took William along for the ride.

 They had a great trip, until they flipped over and had to chase the canoe.

 Ahhh... life's adventures.

David definitely provides opportunities of adventure for our family, that we would not have without him.

 What's around the river bend... just around the river bend...

 We found these cool path lights at Costco.

 We sometimes go and park in front of the temple, since we cannot yet go inside. I sure miss it.

Sammi made hearts and put them all over our windows, to show love for people during the pandemic.

 The kids have found unique places to get some "space" at home.

Online learning with Henry... fun times. I have so much respect for teachers, they should be paid a million dollars.

Henry made himself a friend. He has been adding to his robot friend for months now... he even gave him a heart and a brain.

 More nature time in the river.

 One day everyone was restless, and so I just took them to throw rocks in the river, it made all the difference!

 This is what home church looks like. Teaching from the hammock.

 Who am I?

 One day the kids started doing Yoga, based on William's Yoga Puppies calendar.

 Only normal stuff happens around here.

 Weeping Willow tree! My favorite!

 Spring images...

 Sammi sleeps on a cloud.

 We celebrated our one year anniversary! It has been a crazy, insane year, but we made it... together!

 We had our 3 birthday boys. It goes Henry, Daniel, then William all in a row of 3 days.

Henry turned 8! We are still waiting on the good word, so he can get baptized!

 Daniel turned 17, so he decided to go on a 17 mile run on his birthday. He rocked it!

 WooHoo!

William turned 13. He got his bike all fixed up so he can really ride! 

Home Church has been going really well for us. I have loved it. I miss meeting with people at Church, but there is a simple beauty to being safely gathered at home.

 I love these babies of mine!

 They sure love each other, most of the time.

Daniel has really taken an interest in helping Henry. It has been so cute. These boys are all really having to learn more about each other, and how to get along, despite their very real differences in personality.

 These purple blossoms smell so good!

There was a really big storm that came in and churned up the air. We were driving through it, and we saw all sort of debris and things flying through the sky.

 It was pretty violent.

 The wind was wild.

 I always love a good storm.

 This is the bell on my Mountain Bike. Yes, I am motivated by ice cream.

 We started out by just riding out to Lucky Peak, on flat paved trails. It was a gorgeous night.

 The weather was perfect.

 This big tree was downed by the storm.

 I love evening time as the sun sets!

 I have had lots of good time with this guy. I am grateful he likes to get out in nature as much as me !

 There is no place like home!

 We came across this owl on one of our outings.

Here is Henry balancing his budget.

 We brought the kids to the Bike Park. William was in Heaven.

 I am so grateful for the many outdoor activities we have to do !

David and I have been scoping out places to ride our bikes. The other day we walked for hours, in places I had never been before.

 I was so excited for new places to roam.

 This time of year is especially glorious with the yellow flowers everywhere.

On Mother's Day, David took me out in nature, where I could enjoy some peace and quiet. It was so amazing to hear nothing but crickets.

 Trails... so many trails to ride!

 I have taken the kids out for hikes and outdoor fun.

 I love traveling with this crew.

 You find the coolest things in nature...

 The hills are alive!

We watched the high school choir concert in the living room, via the Virtual Concert. It was surprisingly so good, and emotional! The kids of choir are family to my children.

 It has been raining a ton lately, I am loving it. It is making everything grow and green.

We had our old roof replaced, just in time, before the pouring rain. It was in sad shape, and it needed to be done.

 Here we have Daniel with his flowing locks. He looks like a professor of... something?

I am so grateful for this beautiful city!

 Take me home, country road.

It is strange how biking is getting under my skin, and I just want to go more, and travel more places. Maybe it reminds me of childhood, I don't know... but I like it!

 We have awesome places to ride here!

 I sure love my travel companion.

Just walking our biking trail to check it out...

 Nature makes me feel alive!

 Seriously? SO BEAUTIFUL!

We got home after a hike, and returned to find Brownies on a Christmas plate. What could be better than that? Thanks Harlins!

I found Sammi in her room, reading Charles' old notes in his mission scriptures. I love it that she wants to keep a connection with her dad. I love that he left behind so much for them to read and learn from, such as his journals.

It has been so cold lately, we have resorted back to wearing Comfy's!

Onward... ever onward... forever!

Tomorrow is another day!

Keep having the Courage to Continue! :)