Sleeping Alone, Again.

I am going through a divorce. And that is about all I can say about that. It is a delicate subject, that requires more reservation in my discussion than I am used to; but I have to, undesirably, comply. 

I like to be very open about things. Writing -- especially on my blog -- has always been incredibly therapeutic for me, and it was especially healing and helpful for me while working through death, grief, and heartache. It was my therapy, and much more powerful for me than any of the therapists I have been to, so far. 

It has been hard to stay silent. 

Silence is not my forte. 

For now, my writing about current events has been mostly in private journals, and my sharing has had to be mostly with family, and others who are going through something similar. I have made some amazing connections with women who have walked the same path. I have some lovely widow friends, and lovely divorcee friends, and even divorced-widow friends, who have walked the same path I am currently on. (It is more common than you would think, remarriage after widowhood is HARD.) 

I feel comfortable at least saying that divorce is what is happening in my life right now, because, well, if you know me in person, you know it is happening. And if you only know me through my blog, or social media, you have probably had an inkling that something is going on. 

I do ask that, please, if you have questions, contact me personally. I just cannot share much on public forums. 

But, I am well. I am hanging in there. It is hard though. 

There is always a little bit of awesomeness, even in a mostly awful day. I have learned to seek after those sweet and wonderful moments, and to be grateful for them. And I try and create them, when I can.  

My family is doing good. 

My children are the most wonderful humans on the planet, and they have endured A LOT in their young lives. I could not love them more, or be more grateful for them. 

I am also incredibly grateful for my mom, who will answer a FaceTime call from me pretty much anytime, and she will listen to me and all of my musings, for better or worse. She deserves some sort of award for her incredible mother-listening skills... I vote her reward is extremely long life. :) 

I am trying to be resilient as I deal with what has been dealt my way; because there really isn't another option. Divorce is tragic and traumatic, no matter the situation. I will say, what I learned from coping with grief after death, has been extremely helpful for me to cope with the grief from divorce. 

Life is one continuous lesson and education, and everything gives us experience.  

I suppose I could just stay in my bed, and see if this has all just been a dream... sometimes it feels like it. 

Speaking of my bed, let's get back to the title of the blog, "Sleeping Alone, Again."

It has been interesting to sleep alone again. I can remember after Charles first passed away, I could barely breathe when I tried to sleep. I remember having discussions with friends -- before he died -- about how hard it is to sleep when a husband goes out of town, and how nerve-wracking it can be to sleep alone. And it was extremely scary, back in the day, after Charles died. It really was nerve-wracking, and panic-attack inducing to sleep all alone, especially with young kids, and fearing the future. Just the memory of those nights make me feel a bit sick in the pit of my stomach. Dark nights. Long nights. Shallow breathing. Grief crushing my heart. Hard weary-eyed mornings. 

But now... after all I have been through... 

I am not afraid anymore. 

I sleep, most nights, like a snuggly baby, wrapped inside my burrito of warm blankets. I have this sign right across from my bed to remind me to relax, GIVE IT TO GOD, and REST. 

And I do. 

(Why do I feel like I am asking for nightmares by writing this out loud?)

Maybe it is because I am SO darn tired by the end of the night, and exhausted from all the crazy that life can throw at me, I dunno. But I just have to let it go, and sleep. I breathe deeply, and rest. I pray that God will help me deal with the dark stuff of life, and then I try to let the light of peace in. Sometimes my prayers at night are simply, "Help me." And then I have to trust that, He will. And, "Zzzzzzzzzzzz....."

I have learned that panicking only accomplishes one thing: more panicking. 

One thing I am coming to terms with is the fact that I might always sleep alone. Before I got remarried, I was, well, pretty sure I was going to find someone and get married again. But now, I do not even want that anymore. I want to really figure out who I am, and what this girl, Mari van Ormer, is all about. And I want to figure out who I can become, without even having marriage on the menu AT ALL. Don't get me wrong, I believe in marriage -- you know I do -- but that is exactly why it needs to be shelved as an option, until I am like 75, or older. The next 32 years are about rocking it as a single lady! (Well, once the divorce is final, that is.) But you know what I mean. ;) 

I need some serious TIME to heal. 

It will take me at least that long to trust myself and my own discernment and judgement again. 

For now, I am going back to college! I will be pursuing my education through BYU- I Pathway. Well, technically I will be attending online through Ensign college, to pursue a degree in Communications. I am excited. I am not nervous, which is strange. I just feel like it is the right thing to do, and the right time to do it. Why did I choose Communications as a degree, you ask? I will let you know when I figure it out. ;) 

My focus now is on taking care of my family and home, pursuing my education, and even following some of my dreams, and individual aspirations. This includes writing more... because I miss it! 

Life is short, and my list of things I want to do is long. 

I better get started... 

But first, I better get to sleep. 

One of the advantages of sleeping alone is you can sleep however the heck you want, and no one will complain, or unravel your burrito of blankets. He, he. 

Sleep sweet.