The Speed of Life

Breathe, just breathe! Whew! I simply cannot believe how fast life is going lately. Really, I feel like I am on a rollercoaster ride, just hanging on for dear life! This year has been so full of activity. This is good. I like activity, but I normally like to keep some days on my calendar clear without anything, but it has been nearly impossible to do so. 

I normally need little breaks amongst the chaos, to recover, and revive myself. But it looks like I will have to just put on my big-girl pants, put my hands in the air like I just don't care, and just enjoy the crazy-fast ride of life! (Did I mention I don't actually like riding rollercoasters? I much prefer the speed of the Pirates of the Caribbean, Jungle Cruise, or "it's a small world" at Disneyland. I like to be able to soak in the view while I am on a ride, not just go so fast that I feel like puking.) 

I will say, I am feeling markedly better. I have been following the things I have been instructed to do as best I can, with a little bit of variation, as life demands. I feel like I see more flashes of my normal self, and like I am slowly going to crawl out of this mono thing. I still feel like my energy is not quite there, especially in my chest area; I can just feel tired, dizzy, and sometimes I get fiery headaches. But I just remind myself that it is the virus, and I move on with life, knowing that I will recover fully one day, so I just take life a day at a time. 

My anxiety that has accompanied this illness has gone down lately too, as I have been focusing on calming myself amidst the chaos. It has been so hard to battle both the illness and the anxiety that has gone with it, because it is hard to tell which is which sometimes. I can calm myself from anxiety, but not the aches, pains, and body stress from the virus, so it can be tough. 

While I was at the temple recently, I was given a bit of encouragement that I will share. I was told by the Spirit, "You are not depressed, you have just been depleted. And you will slowly regain your strength." This counsel was very meaningful to me, because I do not feel depressed, as far as I know. But I have been left to wonder, with the symptoms of the virus, which way is up and which way is down? I have felt very sick, and that is depressing (there is a difference between facing things that are depressing, and suffering from depression). But my head feels happy, despite the virus. I don't know how to explain it,  I would if I had the words. I am just grateful for the comfort that was given. I have absolutely felt depleted, completely, for sure. I also know, if I do my part, I will regain my strength, albeit slowly. Slow and steady wins the race, right? 

I have, however, without question, experienced anxiety and panic attacks with this virus. I now appreciate, just a little more, how others feel that suffer with true anxiety. I have felt anxious in my life before, but nothing like the anxiety I have experienced during these last many months. I did not even comprehend anxiety, really, until going through this experience. Everyone experiences feeling anxious from time to time; but not everyone experiences overwhelming anxiety, and the difference is incomprehensible until you go through it yourself. I would not wish it on anyone. My heart goes out to all those who suffer from mental illness, and the harrowing effects from it. It is life-altering to say the least. I have learned, however, there is help and hope, always. I will write more about that later. 

I will also write more about my visits with my therapist. I am totally comfortable talking about my experiences, and I want others to be comfortable, too. If you want to get your physical body in good shape, you would seek out a personal trainer, right? Well, a therapist is like a personal trainer for the mind. I want a stronger, more vibrant mind, and I want to know how better to control my thoughts and anxieties -- because they can be managed with care. Sure I have had a virus, but my mind has become weakened and floppy, and it needs training to be firm and tight. As I share my experiences, I will always use my filter, and share what is appropriate, and keep close to my heart what is not meant to be shared. I will be as open on my blog as possible though, in hopes of being helpful in some way. 

At this point, I have only been to therapy a few times, and we are just scratching the surface and coming up with a plan of attack. He is not quite sure what would be most helpful for me at this point, but because my anxiety and panic attacks have happened mostly at night, he wants to try and delve into my subconscious mind, and try and work through some unresolved business there. There is nothing weird, or unearthly, about the process. (If there is, I will run away as fast as I can!) But the fact is, the conscious and subconscious mind are different places that require different techniques to help in the healing and strengthening process; especially when dealing with things like PTSD, grief, sorrow, pain, etc. I have tried to work through those things on my own, using what I know, but it has not been enough. I am at the point now where I need help, and I know it. It was time to call in reinforcements. 

Just being reminded by my therapist about having a subconscious mind has been helpful for me. I mean, how often do we think about our subconscious mind? I know I'm not normally aware, or in-tune with it. I have since been practicing meditation, and positive thinking, because I was inspired to do so, after visit two. It is different than just thinking positive thoughts. You have to go in a little deeper into the mind, and it takes some practice to get there. Luckily, I have taken Marital Arts, so I am familiar with being in "the zone." It is while in the zone that I feed myself positive thoughts, and I can tell you, I have felt a difference already. This meditation is self-prescribed, but I feel it was inspired by what I talked about with my therapist. Sometimes we learn more than what is taught, through the Holy Ghost teaching us at the same time. 

You know, I saw my husband die in front of me. The weight of that fact has caught up with me, and I can no longer carry the burden mentally, without professional help. I truly believe, ok, I know, that this is the right answer for me, and that through this process I will be able to reach a new level of hope and healing for the future. I also know that this opportunity was provided to me by a loving Heavenly Father who has put the right people, in the right place, at the right time, to make this possible. 

There is a lot of talk about facing your fears. Well, for me, I have been afraid of seeing a therapist, and digging up the dark caverns in my widow-brain. But, I claim to be a woman of courage, right?  So, there is nothing for it... I must face my fears. And perhaps, the very thing I am afraid of facing, will be the thing that helps me to heal. 

OK, enough of that... moving on to the more interesting stuff... but really, I know you want to know about the dark caverns of my brain, right? ;) 

So, normal life is full of joy, light, and goodness... and loads of laughter. 

Here are some pictures that are just small moments amongst many... 

Zoie is growing and calming down, sort of. She really is getting better though. She is doing better with the biting and fast crazy-puppy motion. She is still bonkers, but less, so it makes a difference. A good difference. 

 Easter came and went... it was a good day.

 I did eggs with Henry and William. Sammi and Daniel were somewhere... they have been gone a ton lately with concerts and such things.

 In just 4 years, both Sam and Daniel will be out of the house, and William and Henry will be it.

 We made Golden eggs this year, they were pretty cool!

Our house is a disaster. We are all working together on Daniel's Eagle project, which is a big Music concert to raise food for the Food Bank. We have been pulling it together for months now. It is going to be wonderful. It will be on May 6th, this Saturday! I can't wait!

We found some Lava Lavas from when my parents went to Samoa on their mission. The boys wanted to wear them. They turned on Moana and danced along to the music.

At the vet with Zoie. She has been healthy so far. We got all of her vaccines out of the way. She is going to be staying at Camp Bow Wow the day of Daniel's Eagle project, so she is not home alone (she can't be). She gets to go and socialize with other dogs. I took her for a test run, and she did well, but she stuck close to the humans. She is in the small dog group for now, until she matures to the big dog side. I still cannot believe this is my life, my life with a dog.

 The weather is hopefully taking a turn for the better. I cannot believe the rain we have had here. It has been so strange.

 There have been some pretty skies from the crazy weather.

 William soaking wet after school, riding home in a cloud burst.

Cutting and spraying stars for the Eagle concert 

 Henry trying to kiss me.

 Sammi playing with Zoie.

There have been so many rainbows lately. I have always felt rainbows mean I am heading in the right direction. (It is something from way back when Charles and I got engaged.) I must really be heading in the right direction with the amount we have had!

Playing games with Zoie. Zoie really is for William. He needs his special furry friend. He does take care of her the most. He was the one who really wanted her. She stays in her pen when she needs to relax, but she is out more and more as she gets older.

 We had the 3 birthdays in a row for our boys: April 24 is Henry, April 25 is Daniel, and April 26th is William. Crazy, right? We get burnt out of cake, so I let them pick other things. Daniel wanted Sushi, and William wanted to go to Dairy Queen. Henry wanted the cake.

 Playing with birthday toys.

 Sunshine!

 They say that dogs look like their owners... William and Zoie have the same crazy hair.

 Rain, rain, go away...

On William's birthday we went to DQ. It was me, William and Henry. I ordered some food and ice-cream for each of us. We rarely, almost never, go out to eat. We prefer to get fun food and bring it home. I thought William would enjoy going out special on his day. (Sammi and Daniel were gone, this time at the temple with the youth.) About 5 minutes after we sat down, and after 2 bites of ice-cream, Henry started to puke. I was totally shocked since he seemed just fine. I was trying not to laugh too hard as I had him keep his mess under the table, to try and avoid making the other costumers sick. He kept letting it fly. It struck me ridiculous, like so nutty that all I could do was laugh. I figured having him use the bench to yack, was better than dragging him across the floor to the bathroom, whilst spewing. The birthday boy was helping by grabbing entire containers full of napkins, and I did my best to clean it all up. Luckily, I do not think anyone even noticed. Do you know why? They were all looking down at their phones! I let the DQ staff know that our table might need a wash-down. We ended up throwing away most of the food, and we got the heck out of there as fast as we could. Henry was just fine when we got home, and he was hungry. Seriously, it was more comical than anything. Poor William on his special birthday. Luckily there was a package at our doorstep from Grandma and Grandpa when we got home, with cool gifts that brightened his barf-filled birthday.

 William before the fun began.

 Cool gifts from Grandparents.

 Daniel wanted fun shirts for his birthday. He is a guy that likes to make a statement.

 More rainbows... I ordered this rainbow off of Amazon for William's birthday. It arrived just in time.

 Another rainbow on another day.

 Beautiful sky.

 Just playing.

 Henry made this.

 Practicing for the concert.

 I tried a short jog the other day. I went to the river and the water is still so crazy high and flooding the best trails.

I've been going to the temple weekly again. I am so grateful to be able to go. It has brightened my life in beautiful ways. It has been a busy season of life, but I make it a priority, and guess what? I have time for the things I need to do. I had really let my efforts in temple attendance slip. Interestingly, I have suffered with anxiety for the same amount of time that I let the temple slip out of my life. Perhaps it is because it cannot just be a passing thing for me, but must be a part of my life, especially with my life circumstances. I need the light of the temple, and the peace that it brings.

 I have been pulling out my grade school skills, to help with some props for the concert.

More of Daniel's birthday shirts. Music is life for him and Sammi. Sammi is going to be able to finish almost all of her Personal Progress, by combining forces with Daniel on this concert. Two birds with one stone? Yes, please.

 Sammi was innocently doing her homework...

 And then Zoie came to say hello...

The dog ate her homework, like for reals. Luckily, Sammi has a good sense of humor. She had to rewrite the whole thing. I love dogs. It makes so much sense to have a puppy right now, adding to the chaos. She is such a calming influence on all of us. Ha!

Here are some pictures from Daniel's choir benefit concert when he played Marius. 

So cute.

And more rainbows... :)