Giving Charles a Voice

Sometimes I feel drawn to Charles' journals. I do not often spend a lot of time searching through his thoughts and records, but every now-and-then, I feel the desire to read his written word, so I can remember and reflect on the past that we shared together, and so I can learn from his wisdom. The past that we shared feels more like a distant dream as the years go marching onward, ever onward.

It is nice, sometimes, to pause and remember -- to remember Charles -- and to feel his love for me, and our family.

I sometimes feel a bit melancholy that those who die become a quiet, distant, memory. The vibrancy of life is silenced by the closing of the casket, even though the casket-tenant is living and more vibrant than ever! I suppose reading through and sharing some of Charles' thoughts from time-to-time helps me to give him a voice -- it keeps him alive -- on both sides of the veil. I do not want him to be forgotten. He does not want to be forgotten! He wrote so much, it would be a shame not to share some of the lessons he learned.

He so desperately wanted to help others. I hope that his words might touch the soul of just one person who might need to hear what he had to say.

We had a beautiful and challenging life together, but I would not change it for anything. Time seems to require that the past fades gently into the promise and hope of the future, but our past together is the foundation on which I build my future. I am so grateful that Charles has been a part of my life, and for the lessons he taught me, and for all the love that we have shared. He was (and, of course, still is) a good man. He was imperfect, as we all are. He had overcome many tremendous challenges in his life, but he was so very good.

He wanted so badly to be good.

He had a very close relationship with the Lord, who He placed above all else.

I loved that about him.

Today I spent some time in one of his journals, and I thought I would share some of his thoughts and feelings that stood out to me. I carefully selected what I feel Charles would be okay with me sharing.

These thoughts are random, but insightful. These entries from the years 2002-2003 were from his years earning his Math degree, in Alaska. Some days were good, and some days were just plain hard. I will share a little of both, so that you can see that we struggled like everybody else. But we had a great love that helped us endure the hard times.

Sometimes all we had left was our love.

And somehow, our love was enough.

Charles' Journal Entries: 

March 11, 2002

Mari and I were up late last night, talking like we usually do in the evening. I am realizing more and more how special Mari is. We spent a lot of time talking about our friends and family and observations that we have made about the world around us. We talk about how individuals and couples act and interact with each other. We discuss behavior that we would and would not like to duplicate that we see in others. We talked about what we feel we can do to help people around us. 

As we are young and inexperienced, I feel that Mari and I have a pretty good start on life. We realize that we are not perfect. We manage to keep the most obvious commandments, which allow us to retain our temple recommends. 

I believe what I love most about the conversations that Mari and I have is that we are constantly learning from each other and with each other. We learn so much from the world around us, and we are excited to keep learning. 

I believe Mari and I are in a position to help others. We may not be able to help financially, but we can help teach and to strengthen. I am so excited to see what the Lord has in store for me and Mari in the future. I hope that the Lord will preserve us into old age, so that we may have the opportunity to help build the kingdom. 

September 18, 2002

I had a breakdown of sorts yesterday. Sometimes I get tired of going to school. I want a normal life and a normal job. Sometimes I want to give up. 

Mari and I both went to sleep crying our eyes out last night. I got a zero on a quiz in my mathematical proofs class. This was heartbreaking. I have never had a zero on a quiz or test before. Anyway, Mari and I are scared. We love each other and our life is good, but we still find that we have a great deal of sadness. I love my wife. I hope she can make it through the hard years. I hope I can make it too. 

September 24, 2002

I am happy. I am happier that I have felt in a while. I am not sure why I feel happy, but I do. This is not to say that I am not a regularly and generally happy person, but life just seems better today. 

I look forward to seeing Mari when I get home tonight. I love her. She is beautiful, and so is Sammi. But I especially love Mari. She has changed a lot over the three years of marriage that it has been my pleasure to have with her, but I still see that young and wild nineteen year old in her. I feel that our marrying young has in a way preserved us young in each others eyes. Mari will never grow old to me. She may get wrinkly, but she will never get old. 

January 22, 2003

It is becoming more real to me each moment that Mari and I are going to have another child. How did that happen? It seems like just yesterday that I met Mari, and now we are having our second child. Time sure has passed quickly for me. Weeks are whizzing by, and months are too. I hope there comes a point when life slows down some for me. 

I am excited to meet my son Daniel. I am able to imagine what he will be like, I can almost feel him near me when I am around Mari. He is going to be a good boy. He will have a strong will, but he will have a good heart. I will teach him to work hard and to use his mind and his time for good. I hope that he loves his big sister as much as I love her. 

February 13, 2003

I am so proud of Mari this semester. She has stayed by my side and has put up with my long hours at school. I am working hard so that one day Mari and I can be in a position where we don't have to spend all of our time working. We can struggle now, or we can take it easy and struggle the rest of our lives. Mari and I always try to plan with the future in mind. 

This has been the hardest semester of school I have ever had in my entire life. What has made this semester so difficult? I have been at school for sixteen hours a day, I go to school all day Friday and Saturday. I have been going on 5-6 hours of sleep every day. In addition to physical trials, I have had many spiritual and emotional difficulties as well. I have been faced with doubt, fear, anger, and sadness. I felt that the only way to do well in school was to work harder at it and less hard in other areas of my life. In a way I've felt as if I had been let down. I was doing everything that I was supposed to, or so I thought. But the Lord never promised that I would get all A's on my report card, He has only promised that everything would work out for the best. 

I have felt very alone this semester, and rightly so, for I have been alone in more ways than one. I have spent too much time away from home when my family has needed me the most. 

On the bright side, the Lord still loves me. I can repent. Mari still loves me, Sammi still loves me, and we have a son on the way soon. I am happy. I realize now more than ever that I have much to learn. I hope I live long enough to learn what I need to. 

- Charles van Ormer