8 Love and Marriage Lessons; Learned from being Remarried and in Love
I have also gained new insights from my husband. He has shared the lessons he has learned from going through the devastation of divorce. He has helped open my eyes to different aspects of marriage and difficulties, that I had not considered before.
Together, our experiences have helped us to really value the beauty -- and recognize the beasts -- that exists in the most sacred union of marriage. We are continuously learning from each other new lessons that we simply could not have learned any other way.
We are still in our first year of remarriage, so, clearly, we are by no means experts, or even experienced. We are very new to all of the unusual events that occur within remarriage and blended family dynamics. We may be new at this, but we are working really hard together to find solutions to some of our many challenges, and as a result, we have learned some valuable love-lessons.
We have especially come to appreciate the reality that everyone desires love, affection, and connection. As humans, we crave love! Having lived without that connection for a time, both David and I are so grateful to share the love that we have for each other, even though combining our lives creates fresh new struggles.
Love is worth the struggle.
Lately, we have been discussing some lessons that we have learned about love, and I would like to share some of those things here, with you.
I feel there is a great crushing pressure on marriage and relationships in the world. Love is being lost in the busyness, and hectic pace of life. My heart and mind have turned intensely towards the need to appreciate the sanctity of marriage.
Protecting love in our marriages should be at the forefront of our minds, and our actions. The only way to protect against the growing tsunami of broken homes and families, is by giving greater attention to the most sacred relationship of all.
I think we often have a tendency to see the weakness in our marriage partner, but we struggle to find and admit weakness in ourselves. Perhaps it is time to take a good look inward, at ourselves -- and our own personal output of love -- and consider how we can better show love to our beloved spouses.
I am not trying to preach the things I have learned, in fact, I am just trying to teach myself, as I write.
Perhaps you would like to learn with me?
Here we go...
8 Love and Marriage Lessons, that I Have Learned from Being Remarried and in Love:
(I believe they can be applied to all marriage relationships.)
1. Love Your Spouse, like You Could Lose Your Spouse
My first husband died unexpectedly. He was there one moment, and gone the next.
It is so easy to take our spouses for granted; but the reality is, they could be taken at any moment. Consider that, soak in that possibility -- that reality -- and then go embrace your spouse with that kind of energy! There are times when I struggle to let David go to work in the morning, because I know the value of just lying next to him, fully present with him, realizing it is sacred time together.
You never know which moment will be your last, or their last. If we keep that in mind when we show love to our spouse, perhaps our perspective and purpose will change.
I used to believe that love was like a fire, a flaming passion of heat, and romance. Now I believe that love is being willing to walk through the fire together. I have come to find that the most wonderful feeling of ecstasy is on the other side of walking through the flames and fire together. Love is found in sharing the painful trials of life. It is walking through the fire, together, where the real warmth and joy of love is found.
I believe that this kind of fiery-devotion and love should be at the core of marriage; it is the kind of love that can be the binding element of family life. It is this love-bond that confines and constricts the outer chaos, that constantly occurs with the commotion of children. It is this kind of devoted love that is so desperately needed throughout the world, now more than ever.
Try loving your spouse, like you will lose your spouse; because one day, you will.
2. Learn to Communicate with Care; it is Crucial
Marriage is hard work. It is really hard work. The hard part of marriage-work needs to be handled with careful and thoughtful communication.
While dating, we tend to put on our best performance, to attract another person. Showing the best of ourselves while dating is not meant to deceive, it is just part of the dating dance that draws people together.
In marriage, the careful choice of words and actions we dazzlingly dance with while dating, often fall prey to casual-couple-comfort, and even love-laziness. But the "comfort" of causal marriage communication, can soon become uncomfortable, when words are no longer thought carefully through, and hearts are filled with hurt and heaviness, instead of love.
Loving, gentle, and careful communication in marriage is key to nurturing the kind of relationships that will last, through the trials of life. Speaking from my own experiences, and from my own weakness, life is so much sweeter when I am gentle, loving, and kind. The hard reality is I do not always feel gentle. In fact, I often feel feisty, passionate about my position, and fiery. But the results in our relationship are so much better when I can put away my pride and speak soft and kind words of love. (This goes both ways, of course.)
Marriage is not an excuse to stop doing the dazzling-dating-dance.
So much of love is expressed through words and communication.
Words really do matter, and how we say our words might matter even more.
Communicate with your spouse in a way that shows them they are paramount in your world.
Communicate with love and compassion, even about the simple things.
Imagine you want to entice them to date you, forever.
Because that is what you want, right?
3. Discuss Hard Things Together, at the Proper Time
We have many challenges that we need to deal with, and work through together. One of our biggest challenges is finding how to best balance time between our two sets of children. We have moments of great stress, because we are both so passionate about our positions, when it comes to our children.
It is a very common cause of conflict, when it comes to remarriage. It is so very hard.
For me, I like to fix and solve problems quickly and casually, when sometimes problem-solving takes time and patience, and waiting for a better time to discuss important topics. We are working on this. My mind spins and comes up with great solutions that I want to be accepted, without any deviation. But marriage is about compromise and working together. That can be hard when you know you are right. ;)
One thing we have learned is that there are some issues that need to be discussed at an appointed time, when we are both prepared to "come to the table" fully able to be rational and reasonable. Some problems are too emotionally-charged to be solved in casual conversation, and they need to be wrapped in grace and compassion, before being discussed. Sometimes we just want our feelings on a subject to be heard and respected, and other times, we actually need to come up with a solution.
Sometimes we have to act fast, and make tough choices, and that is when the real "fun" begins.
But we have learned that avoiding hard topics -- just to prevent hurt feelings and discomfort -- is a great way to intensify a problem. Approaching problems in a spirit of love and understanding is not always easy, because we are such emotional beings; but it is a better way, with much better results.
When possible, set aside a time to discuss hard things.
P.S. Texting is not a great way to solve hard problems.
4. A Husband is not Another Child; He is a Hero
I have been around women who refer to their husband as "just another child." This is so sad. Men need to be loved, respected, made to feel strong and capable, and treated as the intelligent beings that they are. I have been married twice, and my observation is simple: men love (and need) to be uplifted, and complimented, often.
Please, my friends, compliment your husbands. They need to be nurtured and adored. Keep in mind that you might be thinking nice things, but they cannot read your mind, so say the nice thing out loud.
If you treat your husband like just another child, do not be surprised when he acts like one.
I have found that men tend to rise to the level of their compliments.
David is my brilliant and handsome hero. I adore him with all that I am!
5. A Wife wants to be Treated like a Beloved Queen
David often tells a story of a Father giving his son some marriage advice, it goes something like this:
The father says, "Son, do you know what is cheap?"
The father quickly responds to his own question, "Flowers."
"Flowers?" the son inquires.
The father then says to his son, "Do you know what is expensive?"
"What?" the son asks.
The father replies, "Divorce."
I will assume that the son went off to buy his wife some flowers.
Women need to feel beautiful and admired by their husband. Kind words of admiration and affection go a long way. There is no such thing as too much praise, or too many affectionate words, or too many loving actions. You cannot spoil a woman with too much love. (Too many possessions, perhaps, but not too much love.)
Women thrive on being treated like a queen who is adored. It won't ruin her to be overly complimentary and kind.
My dad used to bring home flowers for my mom, all of time. I never realized how special that action was. I never thought that I was the type of girl who "needed" flowers. Now, David brings home flowers often, and I can see the value in such a sweet and thoughtful gesture. Just knowing that he was thinking of me makes all the difference in the world. The love behind the flowers make me feel like his queen. (It does not have to be flowers, any act of admiration and love is precious.)
Flowers are cheap.
Divorce is expensive.
Marriage is priceless.
6. Lean into Physical Affection and Intimacy
I have one regret from my first marriage. There were times when I would pull away from physical affection, and attention, especially in public. Perhaps it was because of my own insecurities, and maybe I just felt gross sometimes from being a young mother covered in spit-up, and other various gross things that come with motherhood territory. But now, I lean into physical affection, all the way, no matter how nasty I feel.
Sometimes, David and I will just dance together in front of the children, and if he wants to be affectionate in public, I am all for it! I feel so blessed whenever I can hug and kiss him. I know it is a great privilege to have someone to hold. One thing many of my widow friends mention is how much they miss having someone to cuddle. If you have someone to cuddle, cuddle them!
Do not take their physical body for granted.
I spent many lonely nights just wishing for someone to hold.
I will not say too much about the next level of physical intimacy, other than when you have been without it, you recognize the tremendous value of being physically intimate. I cannot even express how grateful I am to have a companion again.
I refer back to #1 ...
Make love to your spouse, like you might lose your spouse.
Do not take making love for granted.
7. Get Away Alone, Together
Take time to get away together. David and I have to balance life with nine children, and we are discovering the beauty of getting away, even for just a night. The time alone where we can experience life, as just the two of us, oh my goodness, that time is so precious. We can sneak in some alone time at home, and even on dates, but it is not the same as planning simple getaways where we can escape reality for awhile.
Go. Get. A. Hotel. Room.
Never let the honeymoon phase end.
8. Cleave to Your Spouse and None Else
To "cleave" means: to adhere firmly and closely or loyally and unwaveringly.
We are meant to cleave with unwavering devotion to our spouse.
Sometimes the order of "people priorities" can become confusing, especially as a remarried couple, since we have two different sets of children, who rely on us to raise them. But the commandment of, "Thou shalt love thy wife [or husband] with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her [or him] and none else," is pretty clear.
Many second marriages have power struggles in this area; trying to determine how to do right by cleaving to the new spouse, while having a sacred and continued responsibility to raise children from a different spouse.
The impossible balance is hard.
And I do mean HARD!
In fact, I have never experienced anything as hard, in my whole life.
We would love to just cleave to each other all of the time, but this can sometimes be a tough thing for us, since we do not share the same children, and we feel our hearts and loyalties being pulled in different directions, quite often. We have to make choices about who to do what with, and when, and sometimes it can get really tricky.
Someone inevitably will be disappointed by the choice of how we choose to spend our time and resources. We are coming to discover we cannot make everyone happy.
At the end of the day, David and I need to be loyal to each other, and our marriage commitment. We should not cleave to each other at the detriment of our children, of course; but we should cleave to each other to honor our devotion to God, and to magnify our love for each other.
Marriage should be the priority, and it is; but sometimes that means we have to let each other be free to take care of our responsibilities as father and mother. We will ever be learning and growing and struggling in this area, to be sure.
During our wedding ceremony our cleaving to each other, as man and wife, was emphasized quite boldly. In our case of remarriage, it is more complicated, but still possible, and necessary. In just a matter of years, our children will be be old enough to leave and cleave to their own spouses, and if our foundation of cleaving to each other as man and wife is not solid, then what?
I have met plenty of people who mix up this priority, and it can create a wedge that is hard to overcome. Some even mix up the priority and continue to cleave to other family members, like mothers and fathers, sister and brothers, and that is not the proper way, either.
This does not mean we ignore everyone else; but marriage is foundational, and all other relationships are secondary and should not be placed with a greater priority above it.
We are meant to cleave to our spouses, and none else.
Marriage is divine, and should be treated with divine nurture and love.
Cleave to your love with all of your heart!
In conclusion, if you have love and marriage in your life, work at it, cherish it, be grateful for it, fight for it!
The real warmth of love is found while walking through the fire of life, together.
You never know what life will bring, love your spouse with all of your soul!
I would love to hear and learn from how you strengthen your marriage...
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