Are You Done Grieving Yet?

I believe when you really love someone, grieving for them never ends. At least not in this life. It has been more than 9 years since Charles died, but my heart aches for him like it was yesterday. The pain is not at the same magnitude as in the beginning, but the dull ache is ever present in my heart. It is just there. Sometimes I don't notice until the dull ache is pushed on by an outer source. But his death has changed me, and my heart, forever. 

There are probably some who wish I would "move on" and stop talking about death, grief, and even Charles... but that is not going to happen. Charles was such an integral part of my life, my love, my joy and he is the father to my van Ormer children. 

We are a forever family. 

And a piece of our van Ormer hearts is missing. 

I know we will see him again someday. And that day draws ever closer as the clock keeps ticking and tocking into the future. 

But while we live in mortality, it still hurts. I still miss him. My children miss him. There are those who understand, and those who do not understand... yet. But one day, we will all eventually lose someone we love. We all will learn the gut-wrenching pain of death and the utter hole in the heart that is left behind for those still breathing earthly breath. 

With time it becomes easier to breathe again. Mostly because I have learned how to cry and let the tears come, instead of trying to pretend to be strong enough not to cry. Holding back tears causes REAL pain. I don't recommend it. 

I have had moments of pure joy in the last 9 years... some of the best moments of my life have been after his death and almost all of those wonderful moments have been with my children. But sometimes, some days... the wind is knocked from my lungs and grief peeks it's ever-lurking head and being mortal just hurts. 

Today I felt that heart-heavy feeling. It felt like Charles was knocking on the veil that divides us, and that he was trying to get my full attention for awhile; I gave it to him. I looked through old pictures and memories, and I felt that magical, romantic, lovely, wonderful, wholesome, joyful, glorious feeling that comes whenever I look at pictures of us and our family together. We had it so good. We had hard things, but it was still so good. 

I miss the so good family feelings. 

I miss what we had so much. 

I miss Charles' tenderness and gentle kind ways. I miss what a beautiful listener he was, and I miss listening to him and his calming pleasant voice. I miss hearing him sing and play the guitar. I miss him giving me the look of "I love you so much," with a twinkle in his light brown eyes. I miss the trust that we had. I miss the comfort of his strong embrace. I miss watching him be a father to our beautiful children. I miss his hands, they were so capable and warm. I miss watching him teach, and speak, and serve in the Church with all his heart. I miss having late night conversations about deep gospel topics when the room would light up with a Heavenly glow. I miss him waking me up in the middle of the night to tell me his latest idea and plans. I miss spontaneously getting in the car and driving somewhere... anywhere. I miss working by his side. I miss intimacy, real intimacy. I miss fully loving and being truly loved in return. 

You might be thinking... well, no wonder her second marriage didn't work out, she wasn't "over" Charles. And she has "grief issues." But that wasn't it at all. I will never be able to write about it in detail. But it wasn't that. I will say, with the divorce proceedings, I have a new kind of grief that I am working through, and that has been a challenge as well. I am kind of in a grief death + divorce sandwich right now, but I know it will be okay... eventually. 

I also know more now than ever before that Charles van Ormer is "one of the greats." 

The promise of forever with him is so comforting to me and brings me daily hope. 

Having hope while hurting helps with healing.  

So, if you know someone who has lost someone they love, be kind and patient with them. Grief doesn't go away... it just changes with time. And it keeps changing in different ways at different times. Grief is malleable like that. 

Sometimes grief is tolerable and other times it is terrible, and it often involves tears. 

When you love someone, really love someone... they become a part of your soul. 

And that piece of my soul that is missing, I felt it today.

And that's okay. 

I needed to feel it. 

Sometimes grief is simply about remembering. 

And when we remember those who are gone... they become alive again. 

If we lean into those on the other side of the veil, they will lean back into us.