I Just Miss Him

I had a dream about Charles last night. I actually prayed that I would dream about him, because it had been awhile, and I just miss him. I am not going to go into the details of the dream, but I will tell you that in my dream I had such a longing for him... it was gut-wrenching and painful. He did not speak in my dream, he just looked at me knowingly, and my heart wanted to be with him so badly. 

When I woke-up this morning, I felt cold and empty. Most days I can subdue my emotions, but this morning I found myself left in a world without him, and it hurt. Sometimes I really want to just go back to sleep, because he might be there waiting for me in my dreams. But there is life to live. And so far, all my dreams do is cause me heartache in real life. They just remind me of what is gone from me. 

It was just an emotional day from beginning to end. 

This afternoon I had to go to parent-teacher conferences, alone. Charles used to come with me. He loved hearing about how the kids were doing in school. The conferences all went very well, but when I was finished with my last one (Sammi's) at the junior high, I got in the car, and tears began to fall. I was surprised at my feelings. I was not expecting such emotion to burst to the surface, but it just came. The conferences were a reminder that I now have do everything without him. I guess I also realized there was no one I could discuss the children and their progress with -- no one like him, who cares just as much as I do, because they are part of him. Once again the weight of being a single mother felt heavy on my shoulders. 

It is hard to keep so much to myself nowadays. I miss having Charles to talk to about everything. I just miss him so much in every way possible. We used to just sit with each other and talk for hours and hours. I loved that. We would solve all the world's problems together. Now I have to solve them on my own, and that is not as fun. 

As I drove home from the junior high in tears, the future flashed before my eyes. I imagined many, many, years of parent-teacher conferences handled all alone. My heart felt burdened, and I even spoke out loud to Charles, and my Heavenly Father. I even complained and felt a little angry, while in my sadness. I declared out loud that I hated the fact that Charles is not with me. I really, really, wish he was still here. I really want to see him again, and to be able to hold him again. I just miss him. It is all on the surface today. 

After the dream, I ended up thinking about Charles all day. I took some time to go over old blog posts, and I spent time looking over wonderful memories with him. I am so grateful I took so many pictures of him. I am so grateful I captured so much of our lives together. Looking over our life brings me joy, but it also makes me sad that there will never be pictures of us growing old together. There will never be pictures of Charles with his grandchildren. I so badly wanted to see Charles as an old man. I so desperately wanted to be able to grow old with him, to walk through life hand-in-hand, and to serve together. Instead, I get to go it alone... for potentially a very, long, time. I admit, that does not cause me much joy. 

My dreams for the future have all changed... I don't even know what I want anymore. I am trying to figure out a new dream, but I do not see a path before me other than "steady as she goes." I know I am still in the beginning of all of this "new life" thing. I am looking through a glass darkly. I feel like I am in a cocoon, and one day I will break free from it. I will be able to fly -- just not quite yet. I am still too fragile. I need to gain my strength, before I spread my wings and soar. 

Being a widow is an emotional roller-coaster. Somedays I feel so happy and enlightened beyond understanding, and other days I feel so sad, and I desperately want to know how everything is going to work out. It will work out... but I sure do wonder what that means? I know I am the one that has to make it work out too, with help from God, of course. I do not expect Him to do all the work for me. One day at a time I will find my way, and the path will be made clear to me. 

Today is a very mortal day. I feel very human. Today I just really miss my best friend. I wish he could be with me. I have so much to tell him. And so much to ask him! 

Dang it, Charles. Did you have to go? 

The very last picture is how Charles was looking at me in my dream... Oh how I miss that look.