Little House, Big Love, and Time
"Love grows best in little houses, with fewer walls to separate. Where you eat and sleep so close together, you can’t help but communicate. And if we had more room between us, think of all we’d miss. Love grows best in houses just like this."
My friend sent me that quote the other day. I feel like it expresses my views exactly. My Nan used to tell me that love grows best in small spaces -- and I believe her. Five years ago I deliberately made the choice to pick the small home that we are in. It was not forced, it was on purpose. I wanted to live in close quarters with my family. I wanted to be in each others business. I wanted to see my kids, and know what they are doing. (I know that most of my childhood shenanigans happened in the far away basement.)
I have never regretted the choice that I made to keep our family tight, it has been amazing. And now that we are back after a year of living a different way, I can honestly say I love it even more. Sure my 3 boys have to share a room, and Sammi sleeps in the closet off of their room, and Charles and I sleep in bunk beds -- but I would not have it any other way, right now. There are moments so rose-colored, and sweet, that it makes me want to cry out in joy. (There are crazy, head-spinning moments, too -- don't be fooled.) But I just love it. I know it is hard to understand, and people think we are crazy fools (mostly for the bunk beds, but they are temporary, mind you!), feel free to feel that way. We are crazy. But I am happy here. I am happy with the way we live.
What do you think . . . is it a bad thing to have to share a room with a sibling? Somewhere along the way society determined that each child should have their own room, or else the child would be doomed to . . . ummmm . . . I dunno, what? Families are moving into ginormous amounts of space to keep their kids from the worst thing ever in the world -- sharing. It is kind of tragic. I think parents are raising a generation of children who feel entitled to everything they want, their way. They are little princes and princesses who deserve to be spoiled rotten. "What can I get you your highness?" says mom.
But I disagree. I actually think a little (maybe even a lot of) deprivation is extremely healthy for children. I know it, because I have seen it. How else will they appreciate what they receive? I know it is hard, as parents, not to give children everything they could possibly ever want, but it is also necessary for their health and well-being. There is nothing worse than an ungrateful child, and nothing better than a grateful one!
I love keeping our lives small and simple. Our children know we do it on purpose. And guess what? They love it here in small-and-simple land, too.
On a similar (but different) note, I read an article in the Ensign that I enjoyed: Here. It discussed a topic that I have always found interesting . . .
Should you push your kids into sports and dance when they are young?
A piece of the article asked: “What if you gave your children something better than training in sports or dance?” Amy’s mother asked. “What if by staying home, they could learn to feel the Spirit more?” Then her mother reminded her of what President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Second Counselor in the First Presidency, has taught about the power of focusing on life’s basic relationships.
I asked myself that same question long ago. I asked it long before my first child was able to walk. I determined for our family that I am far more concerned about their little minds, and their little spirits -- than I am interested in them becoming the next pro-sports team member, or prima-ballerina. I want their confidence to come from within themselves, because they know who they are . . . not just because they can put a ball in a basket, or twirl around on their tippy-toes in a pink tutu. Tell me adults friends, how many of you made the big time because you played tiny-tot sports? Hmmmm? Anyone?
Yes, I know I am offending everyone right now. I am used to it. No worries. You can still love me, even if you completely disagree with me.
For our family I made the decision that once school sports were available, then my kids could do whatever they wanted, and I will support them 100%. Sammi participated in Basketball in 5th & 6th grade and she managed to keep up with her friends who went to B-Ball camp/played since they were babies, etc. She even scored the most points in a game. She also got to play the clarinet and saxophone at school, which she loved and excelled at. And because of her time learning how to read music in school, she has been able to teach herself how to play the piano, and she is pretty darn good for being self-taught, with 2 lessons from grandma. The way she plays you would think she's taken piano lesson for years. Nope, she just loves it, so she WANTS to do it = SUCCESS.
I am not sharing this to boast about my glorious children. (Though I am very proud of them.) I am saying this because I purposefully deprived them all those baby/tot years, and guess what? They are still super-duper! And I got to have all that time with them to teach them, and love them, and help them to know who they are. And now, I feel ready to let the older ones fly! And fly they will!
Daniel is going into 5th grade this year and he is so crazy-excited to play Basketball. He brought his ball to school everyday to play on the playground. It is what HE wants to do, not what I am forcing him to do. I am so excited to go see him play! He also gets to pick an instrument and start his musical journey -- because he wants to.
I have always believed that children (and adults!) will succeed at what they love. And now that some of my kids are older, they are finding what they really love, and they are doing well at it. I am so glad my theory has proven to work for our children! Whew! I could have destroyed my children with my crazy ideas of deprivation!
So, how can you possibly teach your kids/prepare them to play sports/music, etc.? Well, we like to do things together as a family, like bike-rides, running, playing catch in the backyard, karaoke nights, singing all the day long, art projects, etc. Expose them at home to lots of different things and they will find their way! Play with them, teach them, lead them, guide them, walk beside them . . . something like that.
McMansion houses and forced child-prodigies -- it is all a bunch of bunk. All of it. Let the little darlings be little! And don't try to keep up with whatever society thinks you should have. It is all folly. Happiness is not in these things.
Like the lady in the Ensign article, I think we would all do well to consider what we are doing with our children, and if we are over-scheduling/over-burdening them with activities and demands. Perhaps there are more important things we can be teaching them? Perhaps there are more valuable things we can do with our time as families? There is nothing as beautiful and as joyful as quality time spent as a family. That is what it (life) is all about. Not bouncy balls, and princess dresses . . . though they are fun.
So, summertime is here! YES! And yet, I have heard so many parents complaining about having their children around them ALL day. How will they cope? How will they manage? I completely disagree with that notion. I am not "coping," I am ecstatic to have my kids with me ALL day! How lucky am I? My babies, my loves, my little preciouses are MINE!!! Yes! Lucky, lucky, me!
I am jumping off of my soapbox now.
Live simpler. Live happier. Or not. It is up to you. :-)
My friend sent me that quote the other day. I feel like it expresses my views exactly. My Nan used to tell me that love grows best in small spaces -- and I believe her. Five years ago I deliberately made the choice to pick the small home that we are in. It was not forced, it was on purpose. I wanted to live in close quarters with my family. I wanted to be in each others business. I wanted to see my kids, and know what they are doing. (I know that most of my childhood shenanigans happened in the far away basement.)
I have never regretted the choice that I made to keep our family tight, it has been amazing. And now that we are back after a year of living a different way, I can honestly say I love it even more. Sure my 3 boys have to share a room, and Sammi sleeps in the closet off of their room, and Charles and I sleep in bunk beds -- but I would not have it any other way, right now. There are moments so rose-colored, and sweet, that it makes me want to cry out in joy. (There are crazy, head-spinning moments, too -- don't be fooled.) But I just love it. I know it is hard to understand, and people think we are crazy fools (mostly for the bunk beds, but they are temporary, mind you!), feel free to feel that way. We are crazy. But I am happy here. I am happy with the way we live.
What do you think . . . is it a bad thing to have to share a room with a sibling? Somewhere along the way society determined that each child should have their own room, or else the child would be doomed to . . . ummmm . . . I dunno, what? Families are moving into ginormous amounts of space to keep their kids from the worst thing ever in the world -- sharing. It is kind of tragic. I think parents are raising a generation of children who feel entitled to everything they want, their way. They are little princes and princesses who deserve to be spoiled rotten. "What can I get you your highness?" says mom.
But I disagree. I actually think a little (maybe even a lot of) deprivation is extremely healthy for children. I know it, because I have seen it. How else will they appreciate what they receive? I know it is hard, as parents, not to give children everything they could possibly ever want, but it is also necessary for their health and well-being. There is nothing worse than an ungrateful child, and nothing better than a grateful one!
I love keeping our lives small and simple. Our children know we do it on purpose. And guess what? They love it here in small-and-simple land, too.
On a similar (but different) note, I read an article in the Ensign that I enjoyed: Here. It discussed a topic that I have always found interesting . . .
Should you push your kids into sports and dance when they are young?
A piece of the article asked: “What if you gave your children something better than training in sports or dance?” Amy’s mother asked. “What if by staying home, they could learn to feel the Spirit more?” Then her mother reminded her of what President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Second Counselor in the First Presidency, has taught about the power of focusing on life’s basic relationships.
I asked myself that same question long ago. I asked it long before my first child was able to walk. I determined for our family that I am far more concerned about their little minds, and their little spirits -- than I am interested in them becoming the next pro-sports team member, or prima-ballerina. I want their confidence to come from within themselves, because they know who they are . . . not just because they can put a ball in a basket, or twirl around on their tippy-toes in a pink tutu. Tell me adults friends, how many of you made the big time because you played tiny-tot sports? Hmmmm? Anyone?
Yes, I know I am offending everyone right now. I am used to it. No worries. You can still love me, even if you completely disagree with me.
For our family I made the decision that once school sports were available, then my kids could do whatever they wanted, and I will support them 100%. Sammi participated in Basketball in 5th & 6th grade and she managed to keep up with her friends who went to B-Ball camp/played since they were babies, etc. She even scored the most points in a game. She also got to play the clarinet and saxophone at school, which she loved and excelled at. And because of her time learning how to read music in school, she has been able to teach herself how to play the piano, and she is pretty darn good for being self-taught, with 2 lessons from grandma. The way she plays you would think she's taken piano lesson for years. Nope, she just loves it, so she WANTS to do it = SUCCESS.
I am not sharing this to boast about my glorious children. (Though I am very proud of them.) I am saying this because I purposefully deprived them all those baby/tot years, and guess what? They are still super-duper! And I got to have all that time with them to teach them, and love them, and help them to know who they are. And now, I feel ready to let the older ones fly! And fly they will!
Daniel is going into 5th grade this year and he is so crazy-excited to play Basketball. He brought his ball to school everyday to play on the playground. It is what HE wants to do, not what I am forcing him to do. I am so excited to go see him play! He also gets to pick an instrument and start his musical journey -- because he wants to.
I have always believed that children (and adults!) will succeed at what they love. And now that some of my kids are older, they are finding what they really love, and they are doing well at it. I am so glad my theory has proven to work for our children! Whew! I could have destroyed my children with my crazy ideas of deprivation!
So, how can you possibly teach your kids/prepare them to play sports/music, etc.? Well, we like to do things together as a family, like bike-rides, running, playing catch in the backyard, karaoke nights, singing all the day long, art projects, etc. Expose them at home to lots of different things and they will find their way! Play with them, teach them, lead them, guide them, walk beside them . . . something like that.
McMansion houses and forced child-prodigies -- it is all a bunch of bunk. All of it. Let the little darlings be little! And don't try to keep up with whatever society thinks you should have. It is all folly. Happiness is not in these things.
Like the lady in the Ensign article, I think we would all do well to consider what we are doing with our children, and if we are over-scheduling/over-burdening them with activities and demands. Perhaps there are more important things we can be teaching them? Perhaps there are more valuable things we can do with our time as families? There is nothing as beautiful and as joyful as quality time spent as a family. That is what it (life) is all about. Not bouncy balls, and princess dresses . . . though they are fun.
So, summertime is here! YES! And yet, I have heard so many parents complaining about having their children around them ALL day. How will they cope? How will they manage? I completely disagree with that notion. I am not "coping," I am ecstatic to have my kids with me ALL day! How lucky am I? My babies, my loves, my little preciouses are MINE!!! Yes! Lucky, lucky, me!
I am jumping off of my soapbox now.
Live simpler. Live happier. Or not. It is up to you. :-)
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis is Mari's husband, Charles. I almost never comment on Mari's blog. Okay, I have never commented on Mari's blog; at least, not that I can recall. This seems as good a time as any to make a first appearance.
ReplyDeleteMari, I get what you are saying here. Henry David Thoreau may have been considered unusual by his neighbors in Concord because of his extreme minimalist approach to life, but today he is read, quoted, taught and admired because, for all his eccentricities, he had some things right. Or at least he gave his readers an option beyond what society in general can offer. I believe he was quoted in a General Conference recently. A life consumed with consuming is not a life at all.
Mari, I am glad that you have found joy and satisfaction in your life and our particular circumstances. There have been some moments that we have shared together that, in the moment, I might have wished away because of fear, sorrow or pain. However, looking back, we have been blessed to see the hand of God in our lives. Those moments, as wonderful and difficult as they might have been, have become some of the sweetest memories of my life. I can see that a little deprivation has gone a long way with us, and certainly a little should not go amiss with our children.
Although, I do not believe that our children are deprived at all. They have our absolute devotion, attention and love. We share everything together, time, space, smiles, elbow-room and everything else decent people can share. Our children thrive and succeed in a wonderful way. I encourage you to continue to share your unique perspective and views on life. It is not popular. It is not fashionable. It is not what the world might consider desirable at all. But, maybe, you can help others out there to be satisfied with what God has given to them. Because, as you and I have learned, all we can do is the best with what we are given, and enough is as good as a feast.
Charles
I'm glad you have listened to the inspiration on what is best for your family. It looks like you are reaping the rewards. I remember the article in the Ensign you talked about....it was great! I remember she talked about how she and her husband prayed and pondered and that is what led them to their decision about their children. I think that is key, to pray for what is best for your children and you and Charles have done that. I'm glad that you are happy and feel good about the way your family live your lives. Nothing is better than feeling like you are being led by the spirit. When you do that you can't go wrong. :) Thankfully the Lord leads us to do what is best in our individual circumstances. :)
ReplyDeleteI definitely think there are different times and seasons for things. And, of course, it is always best to pray what is best for your family, and individual circumstances. I appreciate your comment Rachelle, thanks! :-)
DeleteLOL
ReplyDeleteOh Mari LOL
What a post.
I shared a room my whole life and loved it. My children will always share. I believe in it and so no matter how big our houses get over the years that won't change.
I grew up with sports and loved them, so parent slightly different than you in this area and I feel great about it. I don't feel like I'm over scheduling my children and I love the joy I see in their faces when they're playing in team sports. I was brought up with it and loved it and always wanted it for my kids. I always said, however, sport at 5 and instrument at 7 and only one of each and I feel great about this after much discussion with my husband. This is the key.
I don't think for one second there's a 'one size fits all' way of parenting especially with different children and therefore it's our job as parents to listen to the spirit and figure out the right thing for our families.
It seems like you've figured it out for yours and that's great, but my way is a different way from yours yet I feel equally as good about my decision as you seem to about yours and I hope that you can see this and be happy for other families who feel good about their decisions in this area.
<3
Yes, I can absolutely see how people can parent differently from me, and that that is the right thing for them, and their family. We are all so very different, especially as parents, with our ideas and theories. I honestly don't think I have found ANYONE who agrees with me on this topic, so I did not expect anyone to support my idea. And I have had many people question why I do it the way I do it (waiting until school for sports, etc. "Depriving" my children from those things and other things.). People think I am nuts, (and they are right) and keeping my children from success. I suppose I wanted to share my feelings because I was so excited to finally read an Ensign article that expressed my ideas exactly. I was thinking, "Yes! Yes! I am not completely CRAZY!"
DeleteRecently, I have had many interactions, and read comments, from mothers who are over-scheduled, over-budgeted, and they are ripping their hair out, complaining about going to and fro for activities, and even had a mom tell me she just wants to rock in the fetal position most days. In an effort to have some peace in the home, and in my life, I have tried to avoid this as much as possible. There are some times that so much is going on already, church, etc., that adding extra things would just be insane!
So, yes, Melissa, I totally support your parenting choices, even though they differ from mine. That is what is so great about friends and blogs -- you can nod and smile when you see something you disagree with, and still totally love that person.
I was not trying to ruffle feathers here, just expressing my opinion pent up over many years. I must be wrong since no one agrees with me. ;-) I am just grateful my children have shown to me that I have not completely damaged them for my silly way of parenting.
I suppose I knew when I wrote this that no one would agree with me, but for some reason, I wrote it anyway.
I hope you can still love me, my friend, my mate. :-)
Always Mari, always.
DeleteWhen it comes down to it we have to believe in how we parent because people will always question us on it. So I admire you for not questioning your parenting style and seeing success and happiness.
Thanks for the comments. :-) You know, I don't think small and simple is necessarily so much in the square footage of the house, as it is in the way the house is run/the feeling in the home. But I do think some houses are getting out of control in their size. I found that living in a large house for a year, my kids could disappear and I would not have to see them all day, it was weird. For me, personally, I just like to know where my kids are and what they are up to. I also found that the larger house did not equal larger happiness. But definitely I am with you about a garage or storage space! They are so helpful! Thanks for the link. :-)
ReplyDeleteI promise to keep speaking my mind, even if no one agrees with me. :-)
Hi Mari,
ReplyDeleteYou probably don't remember me from the Anchorage 6th ward years ago (Kellie Watson) but I always looked up to you then. I found your blog through Aurie's blog and read a little bit of it.
I just wanted to say that I agree with you! I could've written this post myself -except for the bunk beds :). I always remind myself that less is more. Less rooms in the house is more family time. Less stuff is more time to play together.
We just bought our first house (in Middleton, not far from you, I guess!) and my dad thought we were crazy to buy a house so small. I love our house though! We have the three kids (2 boys and a girl, 7, 5, and 3) in one room-they have always shared so they don't know differently. We have one room with a mini pack and play for the upcoming baby. My mom has the third room. Whenever I run out of space, I get rid of stuff, and life is good again. :)
My kids also don't play sports or do anything extracurricular yet. We love doing things as a family. And I LOVE having my kids home all day (but we home school....so I get the fun of being around my kids all day year round).
Anyway, I just wanted to say you're not alone! And your kids seem wonderful.
Kellie, I DO remember you! :-) Thanks for your comments. Good for you for doing what you do, that is awesome! It is nice to know that at least one other person doesn't think I am super CRAZY!! :-) Like my husband always says, "Enough is as good as a feast" and it is SO true! I am glad you have found a happy way to live with your family. I wish you the best!
Delete