Waiting for Answers
If there is one thing I am really bad at, it is being patient. I have a very difficult time waiting for answers. I want to know the solution to the problem, so that I can get to work at doing what needs to be done. Once I know the direction we are supposed to go, the work to get to the goal does not bother me. It is the waiting, the not knowing, it is being in "limbo" that torments my mind, and makes me worry, and fret.
I am currently working on my patience skills.
Lately, we have felt what we like to call "Divine Discontent". We are doing fine, things are trucking along just peachy -- but there is something, something, that makes us feel that change is coming, or needed, or imminent...
But we don't know what the change is!
In moments like these, it is hard to know what moves to make.
Do we go this way, or that way? Do we change this, or that? Do we stay, or go?
We don't know.
But there is something...something unknown. I can feel it in my bones.
We just don't feel "settled". (Maybe there is no such thing as feeling settled?) I wouldn't know, we have never really been settled in our 14 years of marriage. We have always been in school, or renting houses, or living in a two bedroom home -- it is hard to feel settled in those circumstances. It is not for lack of trying!
We have been very happy in all of our circumstances, but we have not felt like we have planted our "roots" somewhere. We have a desire to stabilize things, because our children are growing way too fast. Sammi has only 5 years left until college -- 5 YEARS! Yikes!
We just want to find home. Not just "a home", but "the home". We want to find a place that is just right for our family. We are not horribly picky, but it just has to feel right. And it is not that we are not content now, with what we have -- we are. It is not that we do not love having 1 bathroom for 6 people -- somehow we make it work. It is a miracle! But I confess, I (we) do hope for more one day. (One more bathroom would be amazing!)
We are in a position to find a home, and settle in. But over the last few years or so, we have struggled with making a choice about a home. We have looked at countless homes. (Charles has his Realtor license, which is very convenient -- we can view homes without the pushy salesman aspect.) But we have not found anything that we really like! We have probably looked at hundreds of homes now, in all areas of our city. We have also considered adding-on to our current home. We have even had plans drawn-up, but we still have our reservations about proceeding -- we can't seem to jump in with both feet. We have even considered staying where we are forever, and seeing if we can pull off 6 people in our 2 bedroom 1 bath, with teenagers. (Doesn't that sound fun?!) We have considered many, many, options.
But nothing feels right, right now.
We search, we plan, we hope, and we feel no sense of direction. We settle on one idea for a time, only to feel unsettled about it a week later.
Our course is not clear. We don't know what move to make.
However, there is one thing that feels right, the only thing that feels right, and that is...
WAIT!
Wait. Be patient. Hold your horses. The answers will come…
So, we wait.
Your course can never be perfectly clear. You have to decide what you want to do and decide you must. The Lord will let you know if what you have decided is not in your best interest or according to his will. He is not going to direct your life for you...he wants you to use your agency. That may mean going outside your comfort zone...it is easier to wait than to do. Enough philosophy for today. -- Dad
ReplyDeleteThere are, of course, many pieces of the story I left out of the post…lots of details outside of having to be patient just about a home. There are a lot of pieces to our life puzzle, I left most of the juicy details out. We have done a lot of "doing" not just waiting, including having home plans drawn-up, we spend many Saturdays walking through houses (even on the other side of town!), we have been applying for jobs, getting bar exams in other states, etc. The point is, that nothing has felt right -- YET.
DeleteWhat does feel right is waiting, because there might just be opportunity around the corner that is not in front of us right now. (Maybe job, maybe house….) All of the options we have right now are not what we want, so there is nothing to decide that we must do. (Other than hang tight for awhile.) Once we figure out what we "want" from life, maybe that will make the choice more clear. Sometimes the right thing to do is wait.
We are certainly not waiting for God to make the choices for us, we are just waiting for options to choose from. (The options we do have are not what we want to do.) What is in our best interest right now is staying put -- that is all we know. It is about patience right now -- not major action. Though that may change at any point, even tomorrow!
It is WAY easier for me to do, than to wait, actually. What I (we) don't want to do is make foolish and hasty choices -- and that is why patience is required. Unfortunately, my inability to have patience was inherited from my mother, so I find waiting very, very, difficult.
Thanks for your philosophical thoughts. I appreciate them. I especially appreciate them coming from you. You who moved your family from Arizona to Alaska without a job, just relying on faith that it would "all work out." And it did. :) Who knows, maybe we will try something crazy like that! (Not Alaska, but somewhere. Hmmmmm...Hawaii sounds nice.) ;-)
Love ya!
Your dad says wise words.
ReplyDeleteGood luck Mari.
i have full faith that you'll get there. i think what your dad said it right though, and you may have to step outside your comfort zone rather than wait...you may have to take action first for the pathway to be lit ahead. i know you aren't afraid of taking action, being bold, etc....and i know you are not waiting just because it's easier than doing something grand or different (waiting isn't easy!). you are told to wait for the time being, but i have no doubt that the time will come when that will no longer be the answer. :)
ReplyDeleteIn my conversations with you over the past 6-7ish years there seems to be a lot of waiting and feeling unsettled for you. That is no fun and I hope you get to a point where you feel mostly settled. Like Erin said the time will come when waiting will no longer be the answer. You guys are close to the spirit and I have no doubt you'll figure it out when your supposed to.:)
ReplyDelete