I Knew it Was Him

I've been thinking about love lately. I have specifically been thinking about how I came to love Charles. How out of all the people, in all the world, did we end up together? Were we meant to be together? Did we make some promise before we came to earth to find each other? Was our love merely the fulfillment of destiny, so our children could come to fruition? Were we pushed together by Heavenly hands? Did we just trip over each other, and make love work?

These are mind-boggling questions, fraught with mystery and intrigue.

Love is a mystery... can you explain it?

Love (romantic love) is an elusive and mysterious force; hard to define, or wrap your mind around completely. Writers, poets, artists, musicians... they all try to unravel the mystery. I think musicians come the closest to capturing the feeling and emotion of love. They also do a fine job of stirring up those emotions with lyrics, and beautifully crafted notes. Just thinking about a love song can send shivers down my spine. Music... love... shivers... wow. So many songs are love songs. People want it. People want to be in love.

But love is complicated to explain in words, isn't it?

Or is it?

Whether it is, or isn't, we still try, right?

Right.

Feeling dizzy? Welcome to love!

I found an entry of my journal from back when I first met Charles. I was very young, just 19 years old. My words are simple, but I can remember how I felt when I wrote them, and how my heart was bursting with feelings towards this man I had just met. There was something more with him, something powerful that drew us together...

Let me take you back to the young girl who was head-over-heels in love with a man named Charles...

May 8, 1999

Mari's Journal: 

I have met a man. His name is Charles van Ormer. He has brought such great happiness and beauty into my life. I am so excited to continue to learn about him and his hopes, his dreams, and desires. I love the way he thinks and treats this wonderful life. Our minds are a perfect match. Our intelligences compliment each other. We have chosen to practice self-control with each other which means no kissing. We are both very determined to be good and I am proud of us. We want everything to workout well and we are at the point in our lives where many decisions and choices need to be made. It is very strange but I feel as though I need to include him in my plans for the future. I want him to be there, or I want to be wherever he is. 

I really feel strongly about Charles. I am so grateful for him. I feel as though we could walk side by side through this life together and I would be completely happy spending eternity with him. All of these years I have always thought it would be more of an explosion -- like I would see this man across the room and I would just "know" it was him. Now I think a little differently. I think you see them, get to know them, and then you "know" and you learn each day what love is. You don't just "fall in love" it is a process where you learn and grow, and continuously grow from. 

I am so pleased with how Charles and I are treating each other and our relationship. It has been 3 weeks now that we have gotten to know each other and I know we have many more things to learn, it could take an eternity! When two people are good and doing good things, good things will surely happen. Blessings come in interesting ways, normally in the form of trials. The little things, the bumps in the road, the interruptions will pass and one day you look back and see, "Oh, that is why that happened!" You will be grateful for those trials, so glad they happened when they did. It seems strange but it is so true. People are too stressed out now, too much in a hurry to die or something? It is time to stop and smell the roses. Take a deep breath and smile, because this life is so beautiful! 

I read that if you practice self-control and individual will that blessings come as greater future happiness. I desire that. With my dear Charles it is not hard. He is such a great man and I respect him so much. It is amazing how you go through all of these different people and then finally one day you meet the man of all men and he is so different then you ever expected him to be, but so much greater. The overwhelming happiness that is there is so awesome, it fills my heart with joy! There is also great comfort and peace to be with him, no fears or worries. Safety, warmth, and contentment is what I feel. I am so grateful to have met him. I know I love Charles. These words have not been spoken, but the feeling and love has been shown and expressed. I know how he feels, I know how I feel. 

I continue to feed myself with knowledge and wisdom so that I can make the decisions which are necessary for my future. 

Charles van Ormer is my best friend and I love being with him, talking to him, and just having him in the room is good enough for me. I am proud of him, I am honored to know him, and to have him in my life. I know our future is very bright and if we both strive for future happiness now, all things will work out very well, the way they are supposed to. 

-Mari Lindquist
Age 19

Ahhh... love. Young love.

I was so innocent, and so free. Of course now I know love is so much more than the original feelings that causes you to find it; love grows with sacrifice, service, selflessness, forgiveness, the list goes on and on...

But what is that spark? What draws certain people to each other?

As I read back over my own words, I was surprised that even then I could feel that loving Charles was a choice I was making; not something forced upon me, without my consent. I did not just see him the first time and "know" it was him, the man I should marry. In fact, Charles and I were in the same Institute class for 4 months, and I had barely even noticed him, until he got up to present a lesson one day. The man I was to commit my eternity to, the man who would help me bring 4 children into this world, was sitting next to me for 4 months -- and I did not even notice him? What? Where was the cosmic force pulling us together? Where were the fireworks? Where was the love song... and the skipping towards each other in total bliss?

Nope, there was none of that.

At least, not at first...

It was not until he got up and spoke during class, and then I saw him. I really saw him. I saw the real Charles. And then it happened -- the fireworks, the cosmic forces, the excitement, the spark -- I was drawn to him like a moth to the flame. His voice... his wisdom... his charm.... My vision turned rosy, like Christmas morning.

What was happening to me? Where had this man been all my life? Why was he suddenly standing in front of me now?

So, maybe it was not love at first sight, but it was love when I was able to first really see him; not just viewing him physically with my carnal eyes, but when I was allowed a glimpse into his enchanting and captivating spirit. I had sat in the same small room with him for 4 months -- with only about 10 other students in the class -- and I did not even know he was there! At a time when I was not even looking for love, he was placed right in front of me. I had to make a choice... would I pursue him? Was I brave enough to go for it? Was I willing to give love a chance?

You bet!

I chose to chase the feeling that was stirring in my heart. I chose to chase Charles!

I was not willing to let my flame and feelings evade me, so I quickly approached him after his lesson and requested his phone number. I asked him to come and give his same message to the seminary class I was teaching the next day. He happily agreed. We spoke on the phone that same night, and became quickly connected. The "cosmic forces" started igniting, and we even spoke of when we would have "our" children, and "our" future together. Talking to him was the most natural and comfortable feeling I had ever experienced. I cannot say I knew it was him for sure then, but I did know something was different with him. We just connected in a powerful way. I had dated enough to know the difference.

We went to a dance the next night, we pulled each other extremely close, and that sealed the deal for both of us.

Fireworks? 

It was like a Disneyland fireworks finale, that was exploding in my heart!

Magic was thick in the air. There was a tangible shift in my soul. If there is a moment of "knowing," then that was our moment.

If I could pick any moment in time to return to, it would be that moment; when we first danced.

So, did I "fall" in love with Charles? Was it merely fate? In some ways, yes, I did fall, and fate had a hand in it. I sort of "tripped" over him one day, like when you trip over a large rock in the road, and it shakes your vision, and makes you more aware of the things around you. He had been in close proximity to me for quite some time. But until he was placed directly in front of me, and until my eyes were opened to him, I did not clearly see him; love was lying dormant between us, because our eyes were closed to it. I did not even know to look! But once my eyes were opened, once I truly saw him, the powers of love were unleashed in their full glory and splendor, and I could not hold myself back from the pursuit of love with him. Luckily, he felt the same way, and we chose to take our love to the next level with marriage and family.

The rest is history.

Marrying Charles is the best decision I have ever made. I am sure he would agree.

And though our story may not seem to have a happy ending, with early death, and widowhood; do not be deceived. This is only part of the full story. Our love is not finished, or over; it will never end. In fact, we have now reached a state of love that others only dream of. The romance of living in two separate worlds produces feelings that go beyond earthly explanation, or imagination. I will not embarrass you by describing such details.

That love I "tripped" over all those years ago, and then nourished over the years, is still in my heart today. Out of all the people in the world we were meant to be together, we were pushed together by cosmic forces/Heavenly hands, we did fulfill our destiny of bringing our children to fruition, and we will live out our eternity together in the mysterious state of love and romance. We will unravel the mystery of love together, one chunk of eternity at a time.

I knew it was him.


Now, just for fun and smiles... here is an entry from Charles' journal about the same time as my entry. It makes me giggle the difference between girl feelings and boy feelings. He was young, and I can tell you his ability to articulate his love for me grew over the years. And even more than writing his love down, Charles was masterful at showing me his love. Oh, and he also learned how to spell my name right. ;)

May 12, 1999

Charles' Journal: 

I have a bit of a girlfriend now. Her name is Mary. She is great. I'm glad I met her. She is a good friend. And she is very good to me. I was supposed to meet her tonight at her house, but she is not home yet. She is a great girl. She sings, and runs. She is very pretty and smart. She is 19, she graduated high school when she was 17. We spend hours talking together. I love it. She is a very special person. I remember the first time I was with her, it was so nice, I felt so good. I would like to continue to hang around her for a long time. 

- Charles van Ormer
Age 22

Charles, you have my permission to hang around me for a very long time...

Speaking of love and music... the words to "our" song say it best:

Oh, my love, my darling
I've hungered for your touch
A long, lonely time
Time goes by so slowly
And time can do so much
Are you still mine?
I need your love
I need your love
God speed your love to me...

I'll be coming home, wait for me