Finding a Way Out

I was in a small, dark, cramped room, and in the corner of the room I could see a light. I made my way to the source of the light, and I found that there was a hole in the wall letting in the glow of the outside world. It was like a circular window without glass, about the size of a frisbee -- too small for me to crawl through, but big enough for me to want to try and wiggle my way out. It was hopeless, I could not get out. I was stuck.

I could see that there was a great big world outside of this hole; a beautiful, colorful, lovely world full of light. But I was trapped inside the room, and I could not seem to find any way out. The hole of light seemed to be there to taunt me, to show me what I was missing while being trapped inside this room of darkened misery. I seemed to be doomed to spend my life inside this dreary cage void of joy. Fear spread through my body.

And then I woke up.

It was one of those dreams that left me shaken. I was left pondering, wondering at what I had just beheld. It did not take me long to realize what this dream meant for me, and I was left with that sinking feeling of being trapped, even after waking up.

That uncomfortably small and dark room in my dream was grief and sorrow. They can act as a cage to keep one trapped, feeling as though there is no way out. You can see that there is life and a world going on around you, you just do not know how to get out to live in that world beyond your emotional cage. In my dream there were no tools for me to use to break through the wall; there was nothing, no way for me to escape. It was an excruciating feeling of being a prisoner.

I did not like that feeling, at all.

With my waking mind, I felt determined to not be a prisoner to my grief. In my dream there was no way out; there were no tools, or sledgehammers, or any way for me to breakthrough the wall. In real life I am not trapped without tools to help me overcome my sorrow and pain. There are so many ways to overcome those feelings that weigh me down and cause me to feel fear and sadness.

After waking more fully, I reached over to my nightstand and grabbed my scriptures and began reading. I read and read until I felt my mind lift just a little. Before crawling out of bed I began to pray. I prayed with all of my heart to be filled with light. I was lifted a little more.

I have come to discover since Charles died, that I have deep and real emotions that can bring me to my knees pleading for help. They hit me without warning, and can really be exhausting. I do not often display such emotions in public settings, but at home they come out quite freely, and my pillow is well saturated with my tears. I have also come to discover something I had not much considered before his death, and that is the reality that I have the power to choose how I will respond to my deep emotions; sometimes I respond like a champion, and sometimes I respond by eating ice-cream.

It is up to me to decide how I will respond.

In my dream I was trapped, my emotions left me a prisoner in an inescapable cage of darkness. This is not true in reality. In reality, I can do everything within my power to knock down those walls of my cage, so I can be free and enjoy the world beyond grief and sorrow. It takes effort to break free, but the effort is worth it.

This is not to say that it is easy, or that breaking through the wall happens without diligent action. It takes a lot of effort to break free, and be able to feel light and feel able to move forward. But spending your days chipping away at the wall, is far better than sitting in the dark making no effort to unleash the light of joy, hope, and life. If you keep chipping away at that wall, eventually you will break free; if you sit on your hands, you will remain sitting on your hands until the bitter end, unable to bask in the light of freedom.

I have found that the most important way to break down those walls of grief is to rely completely on the Savior. He can move mountains. He can surely help you knock down the walls of the cage that keep you from living your best life. We are here to be happy, but that happiness takes work. If you have experienced a great tragedy, a life-altering event, or other things that drag you down, it is going to take extra work to break free. But the reward is all the sweeter on the other end. The light shines brighter for those who have known the darkest nights.

I spent the other night on my knees pouring out my tears and fears to my Heavenly Father. It was one of those unleashing kind of prayers, where I exhausted myself in my pleadings. When I finished praying, I stood up, and I felt a keen sense that I had to dust myself off and get to work. I have a lot to do. There are reasons I am here, missions to fulfill, and a purpose to my living on Earth at this time, in my particular circumstances. I am meant to roll up my sleeves, and do what God needs me to do.

Heavenly Father has continuously helped me on this journey. I trust Him completely. When I am low, He lifts me up, and calms my fears. He can help you to overcome your grief and sorrow, and find a way out of whatever cage that holds you back from happiness. The way out is through our Savior, Jesus Christ. It is through Him that we can find our way out of the hole, and be made whole.

He is the way.