Where is my Heart Now?

When the one you love dies, you are left with an indescribable longing.  It is often described as a, "Hole in your heart." That feeling is so intense in the beginning, it can be quite hard to even breathe. As time marches on, the heart tries to heal, but the longing for your love still taps at your chest, taking your breath away from time to time. I had one of those moments last night.

I felt really close to Charles. There are times when I can just go about my business and keep him close without being overwhelmed by that longing. But last night, I crawled into bed and I just felt such sweet feelings towards him. I felt so grateful for him. I felt so much love for him it started pushing on my heart and making it feel heavy, and yet light at the same time; it's hard to explain unless you've felt it. I was just washed over with love, with pure and beautiful love for this man that I am bound to for eternity. I was filled with very enchanting and romantic feelings. My room was filled with a rose-colored light, and I just felt such happiness towards Charles. I simply adore him. I always have, I always will.

It is hard to feel such intense sweet feelings, without sadness following from the physical separation. But last night, as I reached down to pull my covers over my head, I found a little message from Heaven, a little "love token" from Charles. As I grabbed my blanket, I felt something hard in my hand, and I held it towards the light to see what it was. My bed is often filled with toys, mostly LEGOs, but I had just cleaned my bed completely, so I was not expecting to find anything in it. I looked in my hand and beheld a tiny pink heart, the size of a quarter. (It is pictured above.) My sadness turned to hope, and I knew that Charles had his hand in that moment. The heart was placed exactly in the spot I grabbed.

I held onto the tiny heart, and began rubbing it between my fingers, while I pondered its message. One thing I noticed about the heart is that there was no hole in it -- it was completely whole. As I have lived without my Charles, I have worked hard at trying to be whole, and not broken. It is not in my nature to linger in despair or defeat; I am a fighter. I always have been. I am not meant to spend the rest of my life wallowing away in sadness over my lost love, I am meant to live life to the fullest, and that is what I have been doing, and what I intend to continue doing into the future.

This little heart of mine, I'm gonna let it shine! I want my heart to shine with love, with charity, with hope. My heart has felt expanded by my recent experiences, not deflated, not empty. I feel this greater capacity to love others, my heart is full, so full of love, and gratitude.

The little love token was such a precious reminder to me that my heart is not broken. Charles does not want me to have a broken heart. He knows I love him forever. He promised me he would never let me walk the earth alone, I have it in writing. He also knows I do not want to walk the earth alone. I potentially have many, many, years ahead of me.

So, where is my heart now? My heart is being prepared. I can feel it.

I am often asked the question, "Would you ever marry again?"

The answer is simple...

Yes.