Continue

The word "continue" has a few different meanings. The definition I like the most is, "to carry on traveling in the same direction." Our family motto is: Find the Courage to Continue. As a family, we have continued on with courage, traveling in the same direction, towards God. Even though Charles is no longer traveling with us on our mortal journey, we have not, and will not, deviate our course to return one day to our Heavenly Father.

I may be managing the journey as a single mother, but my end objective is still the same. Returning to our Heavenly home has always been the goal for our family, and it always will be, until our journey is complete. No matter what happens in life, we will always be a forever family.

Sometimes it is hard to find the courage we need, but with or without courage, we will continue into the future!

While we were at the Idaho City Cemetery last week, I realized Henry might have some questions about why we were there. We do not go often; once a year, maybe twice. The other children understand so much more than Henry, and as he keeps getting older, he asks more questions, and tries to understand.

I shared an experience we had while there on FB...

I also want to make a correction to the FB post. As I talked with Henry and Sammi again later about the experience, Henry told me he said, "Daddy, BE alive," rather than, "Daddy, COME alive." It is subtle, but I want to be accurate. What stood out to me was Henry telling him to LIVE! Henry is really starting to have questions, and he really is trying to figure things out, and it can get interesting sometimes.

He is rarely sad when we discuss his daddy, but Henry is not a sad kind of child. Henry is full of life and joy that is contagious. Henry lives in the now, and jumps for joy in the moment. I pray he will always keep his love of life, and energy for it. It is exhausting sometimes to keep up with him, but I would not change his disposition for the world. I just know his energy will be his superpower in the future.

Henry kept acting overly excited by Charles' headstone too, it was kind of funny? There was no time for sadness on this Cemetery trip, we were all too full of free-spirited fun. I just know that Charles is SO proud of all of his children. I know for certain that he loves them all so much it hurts him to be away from them in this life. But I also know, for darn certain, that he is their protector, and fights for them whenever he is allowed to intervene. I know sometimes he has to step back and watch them learn their hard life lessons, just like I do. But when he is able, he will certainly catch them before they fall, or comfort them after. He will always be their dad, and he has his eyes on them.

If we think about it too much, then we realize the strange reality that Charles' body is buried in the ground, and the thought is quite morbid. So, we try to focus on the fact that Charles is still very much alive and well in the Spirit World, and he is often with our family watching over us. Sometimes we are allowed dreams and visions of him, and I can testify that I KNOW that life continues beyond the grave. We do miss his mortal presence here now, but we are also blessed to have a superhero-angel in charge of our well-being and protection as a family.

Sammi has had some very choice experiences with feeling her father near, especially when she attends the temple.

I know Charles lives on. I have experienced things I cannot share. Just know that he lives. He lives because God lives, and Jesus is the Christ. I sure love and miss my Charles now. The pain is real, and it ebbs and flows like a river. The fact that he is mine forever softens the pain, but does not fully remove it. Until we meet again, there will always be a place inside of me that longs for him. It has been more than 4 years now since his death, and I have learned and grown a lot. But part of my learning has taught me that I will always have a widow heart, and I am learning to embrace that, rather than trying to run from it.

I described the "widow heart" a little here in this post on the Widow/ers site...

Now let's switch gears towards more regular day-to-day life. Life really does keep continuing forward, no matter what. Days are filled with this-and-that, and with four children going different places all the time, it is just a matter of keeping up! I have discovered that as the children grow older and have more going on, I often "drop the ball" more. I once loathed dropping the ball, or forgetting something, but now it is becoming old hat. Yes, I have a calendar, but sometimes there are multiple things happening at the same time, and there is only one of me! One of the benefits from experiencing the death of a loved one, is I do not sweat the small stuff as much. I know life is short. I know I will make mistakes, and so will my children, and then life will go on, until it is over.

Onto our daily life...

Here is William at his Science Fair. He chose to do his project on the Apple company. He did a great job, it was fun to visit him in his class and see his hard work. William loves to build, and think, and create, and take things apart. I often find him in the garage taking apart old bikes and things, and trying to fix them. I love that about him. I call him, "the fixer." He also has a love for all things cars. He must have inherited that from his dad. Charles loved cars, and details about different brands, etc. I am mostly clueless in that area. But somehow, William just naturally loves the world of cars. One day, I want to find a car show to take him to. I sure love William.

I took the kids out to Cabela's. We were on an outing to Michael's to find Sammi a crown for Prom, so we decided to pop into Cabela's for a bit too. The boys enjoyed checking out the fish.

 We found Sammi's crown...

My parents came to visit for a few weeks. It was the perfect timing to have them, because my mom was able to help fix up Sammi's Prom dress, just in time. Oh sure, I could have done a bad job fixing it myself, but my mom has skills, and I do not.

My dad enjoyed keeping Henry entertained. Henry said, "Grandpa is my father." I asked him why grandpa is his father, and Henry said, "Because, I love him." They played hide and seek, and all sorts of games together. Henry really loves his grandpa.

This is a picture from a night run with Sammi. It was such a beautiful night, with the moon shining. When we got home from running, I made my mom get in the car and we drove up the hill to chase the moon and the star. I just love soaking in the beauties of nature, day or night. I see the world through different eyes than most I think, but I am glad to find such pleasure in the simple things. There are moments in nature that feel so magical, I seriously want to wake everyone up to experience them. Sometimes, I do. :)

So, if you want to keep a child entertained, just buy some plastic cups. Henry was entertained for hours and hours. He would build a tower and knock it down. Grandpa got 2 big bags of cups, so he was loaded with high-tower possibilities.

The fun part!

This time of year there are always lots of concerts. Daniel had an end of the year band concert. He was awarded the "Most Inspirational," for both the big concert band, and Jazz band. The students voted, and the teacher had some input, too. This will be Daniel's last year playing the trumpet.

Next year, in high school, he has to pick a musical direction to travel, and he has chosen to pursue choir over band. He has prayed about it, and he said he just knows he would burn out if he tried to do both. He prefers singing to playing the trumpet, but it is sad to see him have to give up something he loves.

But the choice is his, and I think he has chosen wisely.

He also got the "Outstanding Musicianship Award," for the Jazz Choir festival he attended in Pasco, Washington. He played the trumpet, piano, and sang during the choir performance. (Not all at the same time.)

A little funny behind the scenes story, the night before Dan had to leave for Pasco, someone had dropped his trumpet, and his mouthpiece was jammed. We could not get it out, no matter what we tried. Luckily, William also happens to play the trumpet, and so Daniel borrowed William's trumpet for his performance in Washington. It made William feel special that Daniel won an award using his trumpet! It was so cute. You should have seen the struggle we had trying to get that mouthpiece out though!

Life is funny sometimes.

Music is life for this kid. He wants to be a choir teacher when he grows up, and I am in full support of that! I am a firm believer in doing what you love!

He had good times in Jazz band, but it is time to say goodbye.

 Dropping off Daniel for the Pasco, Washington choir competition.

 I had to drive him to the school super early in the morning, so he could get on the tour bus.

While my parents were here, we decided to clean out my garage. It started because my parents had some boxes stored at my house, while they were on their missions. But then, as we really got into it, we went to town cleaning out EVERYTHING!

It took 4 days, and my mom and I worked liked crazy, but we got it done, and it was very satisfying to have such a cleanse of stuff. I went through a lot of Charles' things too, like his old law school paperwork, college math books, and clothes. I was brutal and ruthless with getting rid of things. It is all just STUFF. My dad paid to have it all hauled away, and that was a very freeing moment.

Thanks again, mom and dad, for helping me with such a tedious project! Having it clean out there makes my heart happy. And if anyone messes it up, they better watch out!

I bought buckets and labels, and we made the garage a much happier place. Yes, that whole wall of shelves is Christmas decorations. In my opinion, there is no such thing as too much Christmas. Now my garage makes me feel good, not gross. Hooray! I am hoping to find a ping-pong table, so we can play out there. I loved playing ping-pong growing up, out in our garage, in Alaska. 

I love taking Sammi running with me. Sure she runs way faster than me, and she is often ahead on the trail. But we meet up in the middle to walk and talk sometimes, and it is nice. Just being with her is so pleasant. I love her insights about life, and the way she thinks so deeply. She is also so joyful and kind, and I value her perspective.

I often counsel with Sammi about family situations, and though she is young, she has an old soul with wisdom far beyond her years. I know it is not the kosher way to manage a family -- counseling with children, instead of a spouse -- but my family is not normal. Sammi is my sounding board, and I am often hers, too. I know all about her school and dating life, and she knows about my dating stuff, too. (Weird, for sure!) Sure, she may not share everything with me, but I am grateful for what she does share. I love to listen and learn about her world. I especially love her gospel insights, because she thinks even more deeply than I do, and that is certainly a thrill!


I have the same counsel-conversations with Daniel, on our drive home from his school. I have a solid 15 minutes each day to teach and learn from him. That time has been some of the most cherished time for me as a mom, even though it is my least favorite time of the day (the 3:00-5:00pm hours).

Daniel is also mature beyond his years -- spiritually and physically -- and his insights and questions are always interesting. Daniel is very matter-of-fact about the gospel. He just believes. He does not doubt. He is very insightful, but he is not as chatty as Sammi, or as question-asking as William (I love the chatty and questioning too), when it comes to discussions.

I enjoy Daniel's company, he makes me feel safe somehow, when he is around. Perhaps it is because he has proved he can carry me on his shoulders.

The other day I had Daniel with me at the store, and he rode the shopping cart, just like Charles used to...

Like father, like son.

William is still coming of age, but as he continues to grow, I discuss more and more with him, and I seek his thoughts and advice. He is still young though, so I only share so much, because he likes to share things with others very freely. But he has very unique and thoughtful questions. He likes to really try and understand things, and he knows facts and information about things I know nothing about sometimes. He has often helped me fix something I could not fix, and I try to provide things for him to take apart and put back together.

William has unique characteristics all his own that I adore about him. He is always thinking, always wondering about things. And he is very independent. He gets himself up and ready to go to school, and he rides his bike there. He is always so helpful, too. He seems to enjoy helping people, especially his teacher at school. He likes being part of the Safety Patrol, so he can help people cross the street safely. William wants to do things because he wants to, not because his brother and sister want him to. He is the third child, and as the fourth child myself, I understand his plight, and I try to emphasize when I can. Trying to keep up with the big kids is not easy, and having a baby brother who demands attention is not easy, either. I totally get it! But William is really a fun kid, and I am excited to watch him grow!

Sometimes, I even discuss family matters with Henry. In fact, there are times when I have asked Henry a question, and he has given me a pure and childlike answer, that made everything clear. Children can be wise beyond their years. So wise. Henry just tells life as it is, and so, if I want a straightforward answer, he will give me one. Henry's zest for life makes me happy. This boy brings an energy to our family that we just need. He reminds us to play, have fun, and SMILE!

A little Facebook post about Henry's honesty...

My children and I have been given blessings with very unique and specific instructions, partly because our circumstances are also unique. I know it is hard to understand our family sometimes, but I do my best to follow the inspiration I have received for myself, and my family. I have had blessings that have led me in one direction, until I reached a certain point on my path, and then the next blessing has counseled me to turn another direction completely. Perhaps I will explain that further in another post, because it is kind of interesting.

I am grateful to have such awesome children to travel life with. We have so much fun together, and sometimes we laugh so hard together, it hurts!

I love my van Ormer children.

Sammi went to Prom. She decided to Disney-bound as Cinderella. The dress was from a friend in our ward (Thanks, Dani!), and it just fit her perfectly.

She went with her friend, Kyle. They have known each other since first grade.

Check out Sammi's hair. I did it! I have zero skills when it comes to hair, but it just kind of came together as I played around on her head.

Funny story. One of our neighbors has a really flashy red sports car. Kyle thought it was so awesome, so he took Sammi over to the driveway where it was parked, to get some pictures by it. We all walked back to our house, and a few minutes later, the owner of the car came out, revved the engine, and pulled the car to the middle of the cul-de-sac. He then hopped out of the car and offered it for some pictures. It was so funny, and sweet too. Sammi was only a little embarrassed. Ha! 

Sammi went with a group of friends. Prom was outside next to a building by the river, so it was pleasant. (These pictures were taken by another parent.) 

Cheeseballs! 

Sammi had a great time with such great people. 

Sammi has had choir concerts, with a few more end-of-the-year ones to come. We are approaching the time when the Seniors will be leaving, and the tears will begin flowing. The final Pops concert is always a cry-fest. Sammi has spent some time crying already as she thinks about her friends leaving and everything changing for next year.

Encore (the audition choir that spends so much time together), becomes a family, and it is hard when the old family members leave, and you have to adjust to brand new ones. There are some phenomenal Seniors this year, so it will be hard. I bet next year will be great too, and Sammi will be a Senior, which is SO crazy!

Sammi LOVES being in choir and singing her heart out! Music is her focus choice for the future. We all rely on Sammi and her piano skills around here, I am not sure what we will do without her?

Just some bubble time with Henry

All 3 of my boys have birthdays, 3 days in a row.

Henry is on April 24th... (He turned 6!)

Daniel is on April 25th... (He turned 15!) 

Grandma was here and made Crepes instead of cake. Yum!

And William is on April 26th... (He turned 11!)

They each pick something besides cake on their birthday, because cake 3 days in a row is, well... it is nice to have some variety!

Good times! Whew!

Sometimes life just makes you tired like this... especially this time of the year!

We had some stormy weather.

Some beautiful sunsets.

And beautiful Sammi.

We went out and chased the storms, just for fun.

Henry loves to lay in the Hammock with me.

He also loves to color with chalk outside.

The spring blossoms have been amazing this year.

And life makes us tired again.

Sometimes it is best to just blow bubbles. 

Lots of bubbles!

And playing frisbee as a family is fun too.

We love to just be together.

Close together. 

Because family is FUN!

I love these kiddos!

We went to church in Idaho City, with my parents. The meeting there was great, and very uplifting. I knew the speakers because they were on the youth Pioneer Trek. I got to know a lot of people as the photographer on Trek, because I could travel around freely and mingle. Idaho City is a special place for our family. Charles somehow feels close when we are there.

The church building in Idaho City. It smells so good up there with all the pine trees.

This time of life is kind of crazy, but I also know it is the good stuff. I love having all of my children still here in my care, and I know that will soon change. I am just trying to make the most of it while I can, and I try to enjoy all the different phases of family life.

It is different trying to enjoy life as a single mother, because my plans for the future have had to change, without Charles. I do not dream of our life together in the future, the missions we will go on together, or living in the farmhouse we always wanted. Nope, those dreams are gone. I have had to adjust my dreams, and I am constantly trying to adjust my outlook on the future, without him. It is not easy.

And, yes, I feel cheated sometimes. I feel cheated of the dreams, that will not be.

Now, don't worry, I have worked out my feelings with God, and I am constantly in touch with Him about my feelings, and He helps me to work through the hard stuff. But it is hard stuff. And Heavenly Father knows it is hard. That is why I rely on Him for help.

One thing I have learned, is that personal revelation and inspiration can be fluid, as life and time change things. It has been very interesting for me to see such fluid spiritual-motion in my life, as I follow the directions I have been given from the Lord. I once had a certain path planned out for my future with Charles, but that path has had to alter course for something new, something different. I have had to adjust, a lot. That path with Charles felt so certain, and so right. My path now is so much more confusing at times, but I am never without guidance and direction.

I find that my life dreams now are quite simple. I just want to be worthy to return to my Heavenly Father, Jesus, Charles, and have a forever family... the rest is just details. The details are important, but I try to keep my eye on the ultimate goal. I also just try to enjoy life and have fun with my family, because life is a beautiful thing!

I am still finding my way on this path back to Heaven. I will always be finding my courage to continue.

I do know that life is a day-to-day journey, and it is not meant to be lived in the future, but in the now.

When I embrace life one day at a time, I can love life one day at a time, and leave the rest to God.

Life is to be continued... forever.