He Knew He was Going to Die

Charles often wrote about dying, in his journals. It seemed to press upon his mind, in a way that causes me to believe he was aware that his life would be cut short. A few days ago, I found an old journal he wrote in, during our first year of marriage. I began to read the thoughts of his mind and heart. This is what he wrote, 14 years before he died...

5/14/00

I had a strange dream last night. I had a dream that I was a teacher, and that all the kids -- all the bad kids that I hung out with when I was in high school -- they were my students. 

I awoke from my dream, and it seemed like my life was flashing before my eyes. I was overcome with the distinct impression that I knew that I was going to die. And I knew that I was going to die of lung cancer. (Charles died of a pulmonary embolism, blood clot in his lungs). 

This scared me very much. 

I thought of Mari and having to leave her. I began to wonder whether I was ready to die, or not. I began to wonder whether or not I was ready to meet God. I began to think about what I would do to prepare myself. 

I would try and use my death to encourage people to repent and prepare themselves. Nothing sharpens your testimony like an approaching death. 

If I were to die, and Mari were to remarry, would she still be sealed to me? Would I still be able to obtain the Celestial Kingdom without her? My fear is that I would not. 

I am grateful that I was not filled with any selfish, "why me?" kind of feelings. I am not sure why I had these impressions. Maybe it was only a call to repentance. Or maybe it was a warning that I need to put my house in order, and begin to prepare myself for the life to come. 

- Charles