My New Love Helped Unbury My First Love

It has been five years since Charles died. On this day, five years ago, I had to let go of my love, and allow him to return to Jesus. The day he died almost destroyed me. When Charles' physical heart flatlined, my emotional heart did, too. I felt a tangible fog of grief descend on my broken soul. That shroud of grief would become my companion for many years following his death. The sun would still shine through the fog, and I lived in the warmth of friends and family, but the pain of love and loss is a grief that can't be spoken; a pain that goes on, and on. 

Charles laid there white and breathless on the hospital bed, and I could not believe that he was really gone. But he was, really gone. We would no longer enjoy the sweet physical and emotional affection together that we cherished so much. His once vibrant body and soul was left lifeless and limp, and I was left a young widow, with four children to take care of. The agony that exists in that space leaves me without words to describe it. 

In that moment, my whole world -- my hopes, my dreams, my future -- became broken into devastating pieces. I was not prepared for the grief that was to come, and blanket the caverns of my soul. Grief can be such a burden to carry. The grief that follows death feels like wearing a backpack full of bricks, on your chest. It can be so heavy. So, very, heavy. 

In the years following his death, there were times when I felt so hopelessly alone. Jesus was always there, of course, but still, living without a companion can be very lonely. I could be surrounded by love and people, and I had the sweet assurances of the gospel, but I would still feel all alone. 

One thing I have learned, is there is a beautiful golden hue that exists in life when there is love -- romantic, intimate, deeply connected, passionate love -- between two people. That blissful and hopeful vision was taken from me after Charles died. That heavenly hue of love faded into a fleeting memory. And though the world would still sparkle and offer joy and happiness for me in different ways, it was very much missing something. I was missing the beautiful light of companionship and love. 

And then, about 8 months ago, I met David. 

Over these last many months, my eyes have been reopened to a new vision of what love is. My heart, and the shrouded caverns in it, have been opened in a way I never thought possible. 

I will share more about David in the future, but for now, I would like to share an experience that I had with him, my family, and Charles. Today seemed like an appropriate day to share this sweet story, to portray the beautiful tapestry that is created along the journey of life and love. 

A few weeks ago, we decided to take David up to Idaho City, to visit the cemetery where Charles is buried. We drove up to the location, and discovered that the cemetery was covered in deep snow. We could not even get to the main parking lot, and to get where we wanted to go, we would have to hike up a long hill. I decided we should go for it anyway, especially after driving all that way there. So, we all hiked through the ridiculously deep snow, periodically sinking thigh-high, just to get to Charles. As we went up the hill, we passed someone walking with snowshoes, they were certainly the smart ones! 

When we arrived at the location where Charles is buried, we found that his headstone was covered completely with snow. My children found the general location, and they started to dig around to find him. After a bit of time, they gave up, but David did not. He just kept digging and digging to fully uncover the headstone. As I watched him working hard to uncover Charles' resting place, I felt this surge of love for him that I could not even imagine was possible. I also stared on with wonder at how crazy my life and experiences have become. Watching my new love unburying my first love, was like something out of a Hallmark movie! I could not have imagined this scene, in my wildest dreams! 

 Here is Daniel working with David to dig up his dad.

After some real effort, and thanks to David, the headstone was coming into view.

 Look at this sweet guy working so hard to get to Charles. :)

 Hooray!

 We found him! Look at all of that crazy snow!

What a beautiful act of love I was able to witness on that special day! David is so respectful of Charles, and he is so understanding and comforting. One of my favorite things about him is how open he is talking about anything and everything with me. We have both been through hard things, and he seems to have been prepared for me with the life lessons he has learned. David is continuously serving and loving in ways that have blown my heart wide open. There have been moments throughout our dating where we just know that God is in the details. He has been such a blessing in my life, and I am so grateful for him and his love!

Sammi is our "shoulder angel." ;)

 The trek through the snow was worth it!

Charles, we will always love you, forever! You once promised me you would never let me walk the earth alone. I know you had your hand in bringing David to our family. Thank you for keeping your promise!

The world is ablaze with a golden hue once more. I thank Heaven for this wonderful man in my life!

I love you David!