From Lonely to Never Alone

 

It was not that long ago that I was alone. I had time -- quite a lot of time -- by myself. I was a single, widowed, mother, and so I had my children; but I did not have a companion. What I did have was a lot of time by myself, and even more time to feel lonely.

It was hard. 

Those years alone were really, really, hard. 

My life was full, even as a single mother; but there was still an emptiness without having a companion to share life with, and someone to share romance and deep connection. I have always loved and needed deep connection. I have learned that having a spouse changes everything, every single aspect of life. And I must say, I very much prefer life full to the brim with love, even with the insanity that has become our crazy remarried life. 

I was growing so very weary of being alone, and trying to raise my young family by myself. It was hard to be alone, and more than that, it was hard being lonely. I loathed that aching widowed feeling that followed me wherever I went. I hated that gut-wrenching reality of empty and unfulfilled dreams, that had been shattered by losing my first husband. I prayed and prayed for a change in the winds -- for a miracle -- to ease my lonely days, and to relieve me from my long, cold, nights. 

It seems that God heard my desperate lonely widow prayers, because, now, I am never alone! 

God sent me a companion, at just the right time. When I was finally ready, and feeling generally pretty good on my own, that is when I was able to offer myself up to the dating scene and the risk of remarriage. I was promised in a blessing that a companion would come, and that I would be at the right place, at the right time, and that miracle did happen. 

God did provide a way! 

And now, my husband and my children are around me each and everyday, almost every minute of every day!  

I do not even know what being lonely feels like anymore! 

Because of the pandemic, I am surrounded by people all of the time! 

And being by myself, alone?

What is that? 

Honestly, there are times now, when I would not mind being alone, just for little bits of time. I can't remember the last time I was home, alone, by myself, without anyone else around. That used to be a very normal occurrence, when the children would go off to school, and even David used to go off to work at the office. 

But now... they are all, always, there. And it has been that way for many, many, months. David has an office at home, and he works remote. The kids are all doing only online schooling, even Sammi, who is doing her college online. Sometimes the kids go out for fun, and with friends, and David flies to Idaho to be with his kids; but for the most part, we are all home together. 

As a homemaker, this arrangement has been weird for me. On Sunday, I had a moment when I just had Henry at home with me (by "moment" I mean maybe 20 minutes). He was downstairs, so the whole house was quiet. It was as close to being alone in the home that I have felt, in a long time. I realized -- as I walked into the living room, and just stood in awe of the beauty of the moment -- that I kind of need that quiet time to connect with my home. 

I don't know how to explain it, other than it is not necessarily "me time" I need; but rather "home time," that I want sometimes. I have a desire to sit quietly and connect with my house, as a living breathing thing; my home needs one-on-one love and attention from me, too. 

Does that sound weird? 

I dunno... it probably does. 

But home is what I do, and being a homemaker when everyone is always around is just, different. I used to love to prepare the home during the day, and then be ready for when everyone would come back home. That was my job. But now, all of those old familiar habits of homemaking have gone by the wayside, to accommodate everyone being at home, all of the time. I have had to adjust my vision of what I want, to what I have to work with. And even though it is different, and strange, it is not necessarily a bad change. 

I have loved having my family so close. I really do. I really, really, do. I am especially grateful for this extra time with my older children, who will soon be leaving the nest. My children have all become closer as a result of this forced family time together. I love watching them play together, and become close friends. 

Lately, they have all become more and more close -- playing games, sledding, planning Halloween, and singing together -- and my mother heart could not be happier about it. It has been good for David to be around during the daytime, to see how home life goes. He is able to connect with my children and become familiar with them, as we all try and learn to work together, in our new family dynamic. It has been a blessing, to have us all together. A weird, and unusual blessing, in the form of a worldwide pandemic; but still, I can see the good from it all. 

So, I guess what I am saying is, sometimes we pray for things, and hope for things to be one way, when God has other more interesting plans, then the plans we could come up with. I feel like I have been saying that a lot lately; but perhaps I am just realizing how much better Heavenly Father's plans are than our plans. 

I was alone and lonely just a few years ago, and now... I am never alone. And because I know the difference in the two ways of life, I can see this time with everyone around as the blessing and miracle that it is. Sure it is not ideal, and everything has had to change; but my family is closer than we have ever been. And I barely remember the feelings of loneliness that once plagued my daily life as widow. Do I want alone time? Sure. But I also have had plenty of that in my life, and so I am enjoying the together time for what it is. 

As for connecting with my home one-on-one like I love to do, I am sure that day will come, too. And then, when that time does come, I am guessing I will wish that all of my children were back in the home, and that these sacred times with us all smashed together, would never end. 

Just a few pics from our all-at-home days... 

Everyone in the house wakes up, and jumps on a computer. Well, they don't actually jump on a computer, they login to it. Sometimes I want to jump on the computer, when it moves so slow, and won't login for Henry. 

When the electricians were here, the kids had to find wherever they could to do their online school. It was so funny listening to Daniel acting during his theater class, while Sammi was trying to listen to her college lecture. 

David used to work on the front porch sometimes, before it got a little too cold for that. 

This old home we live in now, needs a lot of work. It has been such a blessing to watch as David guides Daniel and teaches him how to work with tools. They are remodeling the downstairs room together. Daniel told me one day, "I have learned more doing this house project with David, than all of the online classes I am taking." And just yesterday, David left Daniel to help guide William in learning new building skills. I cannot tell you what a blessing it is for me, and my children, to have David as an influence in their lives. 

Demolition of the room together. 

The room is coming together. 

This was the room before demolition... it looks nice, right? But underneath that floor was total nastiness. I am so grateful to have this room ripped apart, I look forward to seeing it put together in a whole new way! 

I am so grateful for this home -- our new old home that needs a lot of work and repair -- but it is full of family, life, love and togetherness. The shattered dreams of my lonely widowhood days are being rebuilt in a completely different, totally beautiful, and unexpected wonderful way. 

God is a God of miracles!