Handling the Hard Stuff

There is always something. Life was not meant to be easy-peasy. Just when you think you have conquered one trial, another will surely follow -- so you can continue learning and growing, right? It has been one of those "learning and growing" times around here, that is for sure!

Everything I had planned last week had to be changed. I actually had a lot of things planned -- even very important things. But not one of my planned events took place. Everything was put on hold to take care of poor Henry. I missed out on my daily running, which left me feeling really gross. I even missed my weekly temple trip, and I felt the difference in my spirit. Everything was thrown-off, but Henry needed his mommy, and so everything else got kicked to the curb. And, somehow, the world kept spinning, despite my unexpected change of plans.

Henry has had a rough go of it. After our trip to the Emergency Room, and then another trip back to the Urgent Care, I was told he had a urinary infection. I knew that something was not right. His extremely high fever and the way he was acting was different than any illness my other 3 children have ever had.

After the test results came back, it was determined that he had experienced his first issues with his unique internal plumbing (4 compartments in his kidneys, and 4 ureters). It sounds like maybe his reflux produced his first infection -- that is to be verified after I go and visit with his urologist. I admit I am growing weary of the hospital. I have seen enough of it to last me a lifetime.

The day after the excitement in the ER -- having him hooked-up to machines and throughly tested -- his fever was still really high, so I took him to the Urgent Care. Henry was put on antibiotics, which seems to have helped the infection. However, the antibiotic has also caused him to have constant and unpleasant diapers, which has resulted in a nasty rash. He has not been himself for the last week, he has been very irritable, and waking often in the night crying and uncomfortable. His infection is healing, but his rash has been a pain in his butt -- literally.

I have been loading his bum up with A&D ointment, and it is working OK -- but I think he could use something stronger... any recommendations?

He has made it all this way (over 2 years) without any problems with infection. This was the first one. Perhaps it is the first of many, I don't know. I will discuss those things with his doctor. The infection does make the need for surgery much more likely.

Fun stuff.

I still recall the moment when I was driving home from the hospital, after discovering the news that Henry had kidney issues. He was not born yet. I was pregnant and emotional when I heard a voice tell me, "It will be hard, but it will be OK." Back then I had no idea how hard it was really going to be. I never dreamed that the "hard" would include handling Henry's kidney issues -- and life -- without Charles to help me. I thought surely Charles and I would walk through the "hard" and make it "OK" together.

Nope. It's all up to me.

Good thing I have broad shoulders, or else life might be really hard.

Sometimes it makes me sad that Charles is gone, and will not physically be around to help me through the hard things. He will be missing out on kidney infections, surgeries, braces, the teenage years, boys turning into men, dating, college, missions... and, well, he will miss everything. The good and the not-so-good. He will not be here for any of it. This breaks my heart, it really, really, does.

I know he is watching us always... but it is not the same as having him here with me, holding my hand as we face the world together. I often wonder how I will make it through the next 10 years, or the next 50 years... but all I know how to do is take life one day at a time. I can do one day at a time.

It is strange because now Charles has become a memory. He is a picture, a video clip, a journal entry, a memory from times gone by. He is no longer in my physical present, or presence. He was my past, and he is my future. This reality is sometimes hard to wrap my brain around. He was once my whole life, and now he is a dream extending in both directions from this point. It was a beautiful past with him, and is a bright future ahead -- but the now leaves me wanting to go back or forward. The now is the hard part.

I was told it would be hard. I was also promised that it will be OK.

One day at a time... that's how I handle the hard stuff.

Tomorrow is another day.

I can handle tomorrow.

And maybe the next day too. ;)



P.S. This was a "Courage to Cry" kind of post... these days come and go like the wind. But they are just as important to record as the "Courage to be Cheerful" posts. We cannot know joy without knowing sorrow. I know both, often daily!