Settled?

I recently received an e-mail from my Mother, in which she expressed a desire to be more "settled." (My parents just returned from an 18 month mission, they have moved in with us in the last month, and they are currently visiting my sisters in Alaska for a few months.) Her words really stuck out to me -- I have been pondering the thought of being "settled" for a LONG time. I have wondered if that feeling even exists?! 

I have found that no matter what stage of life I am in -- I never feel content. There is an almost nagging feeling that fuels my days . . . onto the next thing, the next phase, the next step, the next moment . . . ever searching for a sense of being "settled," but never finding it!  It is as if I have an urgent desire to speed up time and beckon the "end" to come, rather than enjoying the treasure that is my daily life. 

Living "in the moment" has often escaped my grasp. I have frequently been found sitting in one cozy home, while searching the internet for the next desirable house -- not enjoying the beauty of the present home around me. Or, even more strange . . . I will often have a great longing to go back to where I once was, rather than be where I am. (Mostly our poverty-stricken Spokane days . . . Spokane was magic!) 

I never appreciate what I have, when I have it. When I look over my thousands of stored images on my computer -- I often feel like crying. I will look at a moment captured in time and remember the smells, the sounds, and colors associated with that particular memory. Some memories are so vivid, I can close my eyes and be there all over again. Oh memories . . . how I love you. 

Sometimes I will come across an old picture of myself and think, "Wow, I looked good?!"  But at the time, I never realized it . . . I just walked around with my normal insecurities. I often find myself wishing I could look as good as I once did, even though I didn't think I looked good at the time! Silly. Oh . . . time. You play cruel tricks on me!  

I find this concept of not feeling content extraordinarily disconcerting. Especially as I sit in a very beautiful home, surrounded by every lovely thing imaginable -- I still long for something else . . . another time, another day. The future, or the past. The "now" just cannot seem to capture my attention? 

I can be sitting here in my excessively pleasant and comfortable home -- wishing I were back in my little 2 bedroom house, baking pumpkin bread, staring out the window at the fall foliage, and listening to Nat King Cole serenade me with, "Autumn Leaves." My memories are so clear, they almost hurt as I reflect back. I wonder . . . did I enjoy that moment? The moment that caused me such joy in reflection? Or is my life only seen through Rose-Colored glasses, when glancing in thoughtful retrospect? 

What is my problem? Why can I not stop and smell the roses, NOW? What is it that pushes me forward, and also makes me look back? 

Time.

There is a profound song called, "Sunrise, Sunset" from the musical, Fiddler on the Roof. The concept of the song (morning and night, birth and death) is sweet, and true -- but what about life at high-noon? (My least favorite time of day, I much prefer a good morning or evening.) What about all that time in between sunrise and sunset? What about the middle? What about NOW? (Well, not exactly now -- it is nighttime as I write this.) 

Truly "time" is such a pesky, restrictive, earthly event.  An event that seems to play tricks on my ever-searching mind and the concept of Carpe Diem. But, there is hope! Even for me! I recently read an article by Elder Uchtdorf that helped me refocus my perspective . . . a little. I am still working hard to focus on "the now" . . . daily. 

He said: "This change in perspective is more than a simple trick of the mind. There is a sublime truth behind the idea that we are always in the middle. If we look at our location on a map, we are tempted to say we are at a beginning. But if we look more closely, wherever we are is simply in the middle of a larger place. Whatever our age, whatever our location, when things occur in our lives, we are always in the middle. What’s more, we will forever be in the middle. Being always in the middle means that the game is never over, hope is never lost, defeat is never final. For no matter where we are or what our circumstances, an eternity of beginnings and an eternity of endings stretch out before us." 

Awesome. Thanks, Elder Uchtdorf. You are the best! 

It is hard to fathom that concept . . . Eternity. Our minds struggle to wrap around "forever" because all we know is the ticking of the the clock, the hands of time ever spinning around -- with deadlines, schedules, and appointments. But thinking about being forever in the middle of life . . . always life stretching behind us, and eternally moving before us. Never ending. Always. Forever. Eternal. Is that not a beautiful concept? I suddenly do not feel so rushed! I think I might be OK? I think that looking forward and back . . . is not such a bad thing after all? 

It is like I am sitting in the middle of a great tetter-totter (an eternal tetter-totter, mind you). I have to look at one end, or the other -- because I am placed in the middle. With infinite time behind me, and infinite time in front of me . . . memories and hopes are what life is made of. That is life. 

Always in the middle and not "settled." Being settled is an impossible request! Forget being settled, and just be in the middle of it -- of life -- always. Heck, I can handle that, right? No need to change my reflective ways, or panic about the future. I just need to change my mind! I can be happy in the middle! I was generally happy in the past, I will be generally happy in the future . . . I am happy enjoying the now! (in the middle). 

I am sorry to tell you, Mom, I guarantee that at NO TIME will you ever feel "settled." It's not possible. It's not gonna happen. 

So just enjoy the middle, wherever you are . . . Carpe Diem Forever! 

*Children know how to sieze the day! 
Here they are playing with kitchen utensils, in the beautiful "Sun-Square."