A Proper Companion Will Come

I find myself clinging to hope.  I have this powerful hope of finding love again. As time marches on, my heart seems to long for love; it is a missing piece in my life. With the death of Charles, I retained my role as a mother, but I no longer have the role of a wife. This leaves a hole in my heart. I feel this hole more keenly now than ever before. It is not a hole from death or grief, it is a hole from living without a companion.

In a world where people seem almost obsessed with self-discovery, and freedom from the bonds of marriage and family, I find myself longing to lose myself in love for another person. I lose myself in the love for my children, but it is simply not the same as loving a spouse. The love of spouse, and the bonds of marriage, are a truly unique and beautiful thing. I really, really, miss it.

I recently read that I should be "whole" before I start dating again. The concept is, I should not expect another person to make me whole: I should be whole on my own. When I am whole on my own, then it would be the appropriate time to start dating. I understand the theory, and it makes a lot of sense. Dating and marriage is not easy, and going into it grief-stricken and emotionally mangled is not a very good idea: marriage is not a fix for problems. In fact, my life will become more complex upon remarriage. And yet, I am still willing to face the complexity, for the completeness, of love.

So, when will I feel like I am really whole, and ready to offer my wholeness to share with someone else?

This is a strange thing for me, because no matter how many marathons I could run, how many books I could write, how many pictures I could take, or how much service I could render, etc., there would still remain a hole in my heart.

I am whole, but I have a hole.

I am always "whole" simply because I am a daughter of God. I am complete because of the knowledge that I have, of who I really am. The emptiness that I feel is not from lack of self-esteem, or self-worth. The void will not be filled up by any amount of activities that I participate in, or miles that I run. There is simply a deep emptiness from missing out on the blessings of marriage. This emptiness grows. The hole becomes larger, demanding my attention.

I feel like no matter how whole I am, no matter how much I can accomplish in this life -- the hole will remain until it is filled with the love of a new companion. I love being in love. I love being married. I miss it terribly.

You see, part of the problem is I know how good marriage can be. I was blessed to have a loving relationship, with a very good man. Our time together was not perfect, but we sure loved each other fiercely, and enjoyed a very pleasant life full of adventure and joy. We had trials and troubles, but we would soldier through them together, and what did not kill us, made us stronger.

As I soldier on through life on my own, I find I am incredibly strong, and durable in spirit. It has been a dreadfully fantastic opportunity to find out what strength I have inside of me. But now, I feel a shift in the wind. I feel like, for me, personally, I need a companion to help me stretch and grow to my greatest capacity. I feel like I am sort of floundering, and going inward, as I remain single. This is magnified by being a single mother. I tend to my children, and then at the end of the day, I crawl into bed alone. I have gotten more used to it, for sure. But still, after 15 years of sharing a bed, being alone stinks. Being married helped me to become a better person. I am starting to feel sort of... stagnant.

There is a growing feeling in my heart that pushes me, quite forcefully, to seek out new love. It is not just hope I cling to in the love department, it is faith. I have faith that I will find new love.

I was recently given a blessing. It was back in March of this year. My dad was in town, and he gave me a Father's blessing. (A Father's blessing is counsel given from Heavenly Father, through a righteous Priesthood holder.) It is always a very sweet and precious experience to have my dad lay his hands on my head, and in reverence offer me comfort and guidance, directly from God. I had my mom listen and write down the things that she heard, so I would have a record of what was said, and what I am supposed to do. I have done this quite a few times since Charles passed away. I keep the recorded blessings in my journal, and reflect on them often.

Blessings are very personal, and are meant to be kept close to the heart. But there are a few things I would like to share here. I am only sharing what I feel is appropriate...

In the last blessing I received I was told, "A proper companion will come in directions unknown." This is very comforting to me, but also has made me very curious what "directions unknown" will mean. But the part that really stood out to me was, "You need to make yourself available, to those who are seeking you out." This counsel has had me somewhat baffled for a few reasons. I am just not sure how to even know who in the world would be seeking me out? And how in the world do I make myself available to such a person?

My mom and I both wondered at what that meant, after the blessing was over. My parents and I discussed my blessing for quite some time, as some of the blessing was quite remarkable in nature.

Along with the interesting counsel regarding my future, came the comfort. In the adventures that will be my dating life, I was told, "The Lord will help you be in the right place, at the right time." 

And that is where I cling to hope.

I try really hard to listen, and respond, to the whisperings of the Spirit: so I can be in the right place, at the right time.

One thing I know for sure: I am meant to be right here, right now. I could have left everything after Charles died, and moved to Alaska or Utah, but that just did not feel right. I know, for sure, that being here in Idaho is the right place to be.

I know I am in the right place... but the timing is out of my hands.

A proper companion will come in directions unknown.

All I have to do is figure out how to make myself available.

No pressure, right?