I Have to be Vulnerable?

My heart has been a battle-zone lately. For some reason, I have felt compelled to look into my wounded heart, and ask it some hard questions. When you lose your spouse, there are so many feelings that have to be reconciled and worked through. You cannot just ignore feelings; they will continue to knock, pester, and torment, until you "have it out" with them. I have been having a knock-down, drag-out, fight with my feelings.

I find myself a bit raw from the duel.

There is this word that keeps haunting me. It is a word I do not like. I have heard it many times over, from various sources.

The word is:

Vulnerable.

One definition of vulnerable is: susceptible to being wounded or hurt. 

Some synonyms of vulnerable are: accessible, defenseless, exposed, sensitive, unsafe, weak, out on a limb, sitting duck, tender, thin-skinned, unguarded, unprotected. 

This word is not one that brings me comfort. I have been told that it is what I need to allow my heart to be, in order to be willing to date again. I need to basically let down the intense protective barrier that is shielding me from harm, and allow my heart to really feel. Some of those feeling might be painful... dating is not likely to be a particularly easy process.

The first time I fell in love, it was not so complicated. I cannot really use the first time as a reference point: I was young, without children, and essentially carefree with only the future before me. Now, I feel that to love again would be high-stakes, with everything on the line, and it is not just my future that will be changed; but my whole family. My head and heart take everything into consideration. I find that somewhere lurking in the details, something leaves me immobilized by fear. Perhaps I am not ready to feel additional pain? 

I have communicated with some young widowers over the last few years. I have spoken on the phone, via email, and learned much from some of these men. One man that I spoke with on the phone (he had dated a lot after his wife died), mentioned the hardest thing for him was to allow himself to be vulnerable. He kept saying that word, and the word kept tapping me on the heart. It made me burn inside, each time he said it. Me, vulnerable? No, thanks. (Take a look at those synonyms one more time.) Ugh.

And yet, I know it is true. If I want to start dating, I am going to risk getting hurt, potential rejection, and I might have my heart broken all over again.

Doesn't that sound fun?