Mama Called the Doctor and the Doctor Said...

"No more anxiety, inside of Mama's head!" Well, that is not exactly what he said, let me explain...

I have been feeling weird for some time now. It is not just the wintertime blues, or feeling the effects of the grey and dreary weather (though that for sure does not help). No, I have been feeling a deep sense of fear and worry. It has begun to really bother me.

This worry, or anxiety, kind of builds, and can manifest itself in a panic attack. I have had a few attacks up to this point. (Heart pounding, dizzy, nauseous, and feeling a sense of impending doom.) The panic attacks are uncomfortable and scary. They are new to me. I have never experienced such feelings before. Sure, I have been anxious from time-to-time, but this is another level completely.

These panic attacks started right before I ran my marathon, back in June of last year. I had my first panic attack a few days before the big marathon day. I went to the doctor back then, they ran some tests, found nothing, and sent me on my way... off to run my marathon with a clean bill of health.

I ran the marathon. I finished it. But it was not as glorious an experience as I had maybe hoped for. Maybe I was even disappointed in the experience? Yes, I was. Sure, I finished, but it was so much more intense than I had prepared for, and I have had some regrets... wish I had performed better... wish I had run harder... anyway, I digress from the point.

So, I have been having these feelings: these super-anxious, and unsettling feelings. I recently had another panic attack, and have felt even more anxious, more often. It is like I can feel that something is coming, but I do not know what, when, why, or anything about it at all... just a feeling that "it" is on the way. Maybe there is an "it" coming, but don't ask me what "it" even is?

I decided to call my doctor to go in and get checked out more thoroughly this time. He ran some tests, did some blood work, and he gave me a brief mental analysis. He knows I dig deep when I go to the doctor, because Charles died after a misdiagnosis by a doctor, who dismissed his clot as a calcium deposit. Let's not think about that right now... talk about anxiety!

I explained to the doctor some of my concerns, the things that are on my mind, that might perhaps cause some anxiety for me. (Other than the general anxiety of being a widow.) I spoke of my concerns in possibly starting to date, and all that it entails, with changes to my family dynamic, etc. He said to me that my anxiety is very valid, and not some abstract thing out there in the dark waiting to pounce. He explained that I have every reason to worry about such things, because they are in fact very scary. (Sometimes people have panic attacks from irrational thoughts and feelings that come out of nowhere.) The doctor seemed to think I am of very sound mind, and not going crazy. That was reassuring. Hooray, I am not crazy! I want to get that in writing... 

After running a bunch of physical tests, and coming up with nothing unusual, I have a bit more peace. At least nothing is physically wrong with me, causing me to have such fears. What I need to do now is just learn how to calm down and relax, when I start to feel anxious. I also need to do things to help prevent such anxiety to build and "explode" with such dramatic gusto. Over the last week, or so, I have taken more deliberate time and efforts to find things that help me to feel more relaxed and calm. This does not mean just deep-breathing, or drinking Camomile. I can relax by doing exciting things too. I am the most calm and peaceful when I am moving my body, and not just lying still with my thoughts.

One thing I realized after going to the doctor is that I have not been doing my part. I have not been doing my part to prevent such anxious feelings in my mind and heart. I was given pretty specific counsel in a blessing given in the recent past, to do certain things that will provide me with joy and peace. I am supposed to run, write, and take pictures often. I have not been doing those things as much as I should, or could. When I do those things, I feel joy. When I don't, I feel kind of empty and sometimes even frantic. (Without running, or exercise, I really get anxious!)

I actually have a list of things from past blessings that I am supposed to be doing. The list is not just ultra-spiritual stuff, but practical stuff too. I am supposed to be getting daily fresh air, and taking time to really RELAX. Yeah, I have been slacking on that big time. Even when I have been watching movies, or resting, I have not been in relax-mode. I allow myself to feel anxious, or on-edge, far too often, because I haven't really thought about trying to change those feelings by taking action. For example, I must fully chill-out. I need to let myself sink deeply into the couch, without pondering the Cosmos, or planning my next whatever. I need to just be. Be still. In the moment. Breathe.

I need to be in this moment... not always wondering what my future spouse might be like, or where I should go to find him. (I really do think the access to "internet people" make anxiety so much worse than if I only had the circle of people around me to choose from.)

The things that cause my anxiety are things not so much with the now, or even the past, but of the unknown future. I can't control the future now, can I? No. And even if scary or challenging things do come up in the future, I will be able to handle them. Just like I have handled the ridiculously challenging things I have already managed to endure up to this point. It is the fear of the unknown, not the actual going through the hard event that is scary. I seem to rise to the occasion when rising is needed. As most people do.

It is the worry that kills us all... I've heard it said that "fear is faith in the enemy."

In an effort to fight my fears, I have been practicing relaxation, and doing things to help me really calm down more fully. I have been pleased with how I am able to be more aware of my anxiousness, and I do things to deliberately calm myself down if I start to feel unsettled. I would say my most crucial element in fighting anxiety is exercise, particularly running, and being outside to get some fresh air. This I must do, and do more faithfully. I also need to seek out ways to laugh. Laughing is such a fantastic way to relieve stress and fear. It unclenches all the deep places in the gut, and causes a much better feeling to occur. I love to laugh. I used to laugh more when Charles was around, because he was fantastically funny.

What makes me laugh now?

Two words: Duck Dynasty. 

I have been purposefully allowing myself to take time to lounge on the couch, and just laugh my guts out. Duck Dynasty speaks to my soul. Their humor is the stuff Charles was made of, and I need it in my life. I need humor and laughter in my life. It has been missing, because I have not been taking the time to add light-hearted humor to my day. All work and no play makes me... lose my mind!

Laughing is healing. I highly recommend it.

So, am I worried about my next panic attack? I dunno... not really. I am going to do my best to start doing the things I am supposed to do, and see how things go, and how I feel. I am a part of a widow/ers group. Anxiety and panic attacks are highly common amongst the group, because our futures have been ripped out from underneath us, we have seen death, bought caskets for our spouses,  we've become single parents, and we are meant to move forward into a life that is so full of uncertainty, it can be tremendously overwhelming, to say the least. I know that I am not alone in the strangeness that is widowhood and the never-ending process of shouldering grief and forging towards an unplanned future. For the widowed, anxiety is the norm. It comes with the territory.

Why am I sharing this information here on my blog? It is kind of personal. But I want you to know that I am human, and I struggle sometimes, like we all do. I struggle with my feelings and things that are beyond my control. I write this, because I know that everyone in my circle of friends and acquaintances have struggled and suffered in life, with something that has brought them low, or caused them to feel anxious and undesirable feelings. Suffering is part of life. The hard part. Being mortal is not easy, you know?

When I called the doctor, I was not going to be able to get an appointment for over a month. I called two different doctors, with the same month-out appointment available. I did not want to wait a month, so I had to ask special permission to be seen earlier, using my "widow card." (My "have pity on me, pretty please" card.) My family doctor was able to get me in, and was very gracious during my visit. I am glad I went. I do feel better having had an exam. Even just knowing my health is good brings me a sense of peace. At least I think... it has only been one day.

One thing this made me realize is that sometimes doctors are not available. (Unless you want to run off to the ER.) To express my concerns and problems to a medical professional, I had to wait. I almost had to wait quite a long time... over a month.

But there is One who is always there, at any time, day or night. He is the Greatest Healer of all. Yes, we are meant to turn to our doctors when we need help, for sure. (Go to the ER, or call 911 for emergencies!) But sometimes, it is the power of prayer that will help get you through another sleepless night, or panic attack.

When all the world is asleep, and all medical office doors are closed, Heavenly Father is awake. He can calm even the most ferocious of storms. He can bring peace to a heart full of fear and anxiety.

This I know, from firsthand experience.