My Greatest Enemy

Fear. It is an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat. At least, that is how it is defined when I looked it up on a Google search.

I hate the feeling of being afraid. For some reason, lately, I have become more familiar with the feeling. I have even had what I think are panic attacks, when my fears physically consume me. It is very uncomfortable to have felt such fear in my heart. I do not like it, and I try not to let the fear in; but it comes, and all I can do is fight against it, with all that I am.

The other night I was startled awake by my heart racing, and I had an overwhelming feeling of fear. I did not have a dream that I can recall or anything, but I could feel the stress building even before I went to sleep. It was so bad, that I went upstairs to where my mom was sleeping (my parents were staying with me for a while, before heading off on their next mission), and I asked her to come and sit with me, and help me work through the feelings.

My mind and heart were racing, and the tears were flowing freely. After a few minutes of chatting, we called my dad down to give me a blessing. I did feel peace after receiving a blessing, and was able to calm down, and eventually fall back to sleep. But it was a very unsettling experience. My mind was racing so fast, I felt dizzy and sick.

After Charles died, I have felt more fear in my life. Sure, I had moments of anxiety and great intensity before he died, just from the more normal life-stressors. We all feel fear from time-to-time, and anxiety occurs when something big is coming, or a performance is required. But the weight of the moments are much more intense after seeing Charles' death, and becoming a widow. Seeing death, and living through post-death, just changes a person. At least, it has changed me.

I do not like to feel afraid though; not at all. 

Last night I decided to write in my journal, and I asked myself, what am I afraid of?

It is a very good question.

The list is actually quite long... but I will list just a few things. I will list the things that seem to be bothering me more lately. I am not talking about things like spiders, snakes, and popping open a biscuit can.

Here we go... the things on my mind... the things that bother me.

I am afraid of being alone for the rest of my life. I know I am never fully alone, but I am widow-alone, and I do not like it. I long to have a companion. And not just some guy to fill a void. I long for a companionship equal in quality to what I had with Charles. I believe it is possible. I just have not seen it come to fruition, yet. I place all my faith in God to help me find such a person, and that I can be that kind of person for someone too. I am just afraid that I am not doing everything I should be doing to find someone new. I have not been brave enough to even try putting myself out there. How do I find what I am not searching for?

I am afraid of being rejected in the dating world. It is just another form of loss, and I am unsure if I am ready to handle it, because it will happen. This is not my number one fear, but I am sure not too interested in this aspect of putting myself out there. Not everyone will like me, that is just a fact. But I have heard that widows have more of a challenge than other groups, because of a variety of reasons. Widows are also prone to be vulnerable. This is something I have my guard up for... like a solid, brick wall, of non-vulnerableness. Still, being rejected is never fun. I have to expect it along the way. Do I fear it? Yes.

I am afraid of finding someone new. I am not sure if this scares me more than being alone! All of the "what ifs" can be so paralyzing to my soul. Especially the what ifs that have to do with changing my family dynamic, and altering life for my children, and myself. I can "what if" myself out of even wanting to date again. And yet, it is my heart's greatest desire to love again. I think about it all of the time, whether I want to, or not. So, I have these two opposing feelings constantly trying to dwell in my heart, and it is starting to hurt. It is like my heart is a punching bag, being knocked back and forth between what I want, and what I do not want. What I want, and don't want, are the same thing. How does that work? It doesn't.

Let's see... what else am I afraid of?

That is strange... I cannot think of anything else at the moment. Clearly my mind is fixed on my current dating (non-dating) dilemma.

So, this is my dilemma: I am afraid. I am scared to do the very thing that might possibly lead to greater future happiness. I am not sure if my fear is protecting me, or preventing me from the thing I desire. I will say that just waiting around for someone to appear seems a strange approach, and very unlikely compared to being committed to the search. On various days I feel differently about what I should do. I have received no solid confirmation about waiting, or working towards the efforts of dating. I am doing what I can to prepare myself, you know, trying to become the best me and all of that good stuff.

I do know I am supposed to make myself available to those who are seeking me out.

And that scares me too.

So much to be afraid of... so many fears in my heart.

But last night, when I started having some unsettling feelings, I decided to look to Jesus for some peace. Sometimes reading the scriptures can help me, but sometimes reading words can be too much for my racing mind and tired eyes. Instead, I decided to turn on one of the Bible videos on my phone, and it actually physically soothed my body, and gave peace to my soul. I was amazed at how it calmed me so much. The message was just what I needed: "Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid." Sometimes even I forget that God is really in control -- even of the details. I try to control everything, but I am not God. My job is to trust Him more, and do His will. And things will work out somehow... someway. Even though the way is unknown to me, it is not unknown to Him.

Last night I felt that I allowed faith to replace my fear, and it felt good.

I can either have Faith in the Lord and His power, or I can have Fear.

"Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering." - Yoda.

I choose faith!